Chapter 5 - The price of freedom

Lucas tapped his fingers on the breakfast table, wondering. It was dawn in San Francisco, a great, great dawn, the dawn of his last day far from New York, far from a specific person. His flight would leave in a couple of hours, he'd already settled the bill with the hotel, he had all the time to get ready, there remained one question ...

Breakfast was lain on the table, waiting for him to dig in, but his ocean blue eyes were only focused on his phone once again, always that same contact on the screen. He'd remained there staring at that picture so many times within three weeks, secretly wishing for telekinesis or whatever to be real, so that she might hear his heart calling out for her, and maybe she would be braver, making the phone call first, but it never happened, and every day his hopes diminished. Within three weeks, she'd never once contacted him, not a single time ...5

Lucas knew she was awfully proud and stubborn, but was that the sole reason? Or was she serious when she implied she was glad she wouldn't see him for so long? Three weeks without the drug might be a great start at cleaning up, she'd claimed. Was she serious? Was their unspoken deal really over? 1

And if it was, what excuse could he make up to spend more time with her? Was he supposed to start being a bastard employer now? Oblige her to do overtime in order to spend the nights with her? She would read through his intentions all too easily, and she'd only get mad, Lucas knew her enough to be sure she might start seeking another job even.2

Maybe it was all from his part only. Maybe it was only him to be feeling this compelling need to be with her, maybe she truly caved only because afraid he'd fire her. Maybe it was truly only out of fear, she'd mentioned that the job at Grant Enterprises was her guarantee for the green card, the sole thing that kept her on American soil, was she to lose it, she'd be forced to go back to Italy, unless she found something else. 2

Was he willing to risk that? Samantha was stubborn enough to resign on spot if he dared be too insistent, then what? Maybe she'd have a hard time finding a new job, and she would be repatriated ... could he risk that? Absolutely no.

But then, she might solve everything by marrying an American man, and Lucas was certain that that Sean would be all too willing to sacrifice. Lucas' jaw clenched at the thought. Sean. That guy had all the freaking time in the world to woo her and bring her to his side, he had access to her house, which meant that not only her dog loved him and trusted him, but she did, too, and that was an awful sign. 2

Samantha wasn't the type to trust just anybody, Lucas knew that, if she trusted that Sean, it meant they were close. And that angered Lucas. Weeks ago he might have not known why, but he had a vague idea now.

Was it too late to stop the fall? He ought to. At least in this, she was right, everything was against a sex liaison, imagine a real relationship. For starters, he wouldn't see the end of it from HR if he dated an employee, and the board council would take the ball to claim nonexistent rights.1

However, the most they could ask of him was that he either broke up with the employee or that he fired her: they would have no right to ask that, he would fight it, they would appeal to their power as shareholders, he would flaunt his 60%, and that would quiet them down, unless they wanted to lose the billions Grant Enterprises gave them every year, and Lucas was sure they'd rather cut off their balls than accept that.1

Conflict of interest was only the minimum issue, though. It was always about choosing between pursuing a love interest, or keeping the company to the maximum of its history. It was between giving up everything for love, or remaining stuck with an empty heart but loads of money.

Then again, was Samantha truly a love interest? Or was his judgment fogged by the lack of sex with her? He was addicted to it, Lucas had to admit it, was it simply that? All this longing, was it only for that? Were all these only withdrawal symptoms? Or was there more? And if there was, was she worth it?1

Here it came the third part of the problem. Samantha herself. It was harsh, but he ought to face the truth: Samantha Benedetti would be quite difficult for a girlfriend, did he have time and energy to dip in such undertaking? He ought to be utterly sure. There was too much at stake to simply try.1

Lucas gaped at her contact once more, only to frown when he noticed the change in picture. It'd been only a sunrise before, now it was her Siberian Husky, only his head could be seen, it was lain on the floor, and he was staring straight at the camera. Lucas couldn't help feeling marveled, the dog had such vivid sky blue eyes, that it was hard not to see a soul in there. 1

However, he chose to focus more on the fact that she'd just changed her profile picture, which meant that she was awake already. Well, it was already 8 am in New York, wasn't it? She was surely getting ready for work. 1

Lucas found himself wishing to be a mosquito, able to fly from wall to wall undisturbed, watching her from afar when she didn't guard herself. He shook his head then, realizing how gross that sounded.5

Gaping at that same contact, Lucas bit his lip, wondering. Would it be so bad to make the first move? It would mean nothing, right? He was going back to New York, he did say he would see her when he came back, didn't he? It wouldn't be so out of the ordinary.

With a pounding heart, Lucas opted for texting instead of calling: he was sure he would not be able to keep his voice steady in this circumstance. Three weeks far away from her, not a single chance to hear her voice nor know how was she doing ... he was champing at the bit to see her.

Hey

He sent, regretting it right after. Hey? Hey? What was he, a clumsy teenager? He groaned at himself. Way to be stupid. However, his heart skipped a few beats when the response came, even if it was only a disappointing:2

Hey

Five minutes, and that was all he got? Lucas sighed, trying to keep control.

How are you?

Way to be vague, but there was no other answer. He couldn't be direct, one like Samantha, she'd run off immediately, like last time.

S: Fine, thank you

Coldness personified, wasn't she?2

L: I wanted to tell you, I'm coming back to NY today

S: Nice

He rolled his eyes at her answer. It was like trying to shear ice with bare hands: long, tiring, and probably useless. Then how comes he couldn't quit?

L: I was wondering, could we meet up?

S: When?

L: My plane lands at noon, NY time zone

S: I have work today

He rolled his eyes, but retained the sarcastic answer.

L: No, you don't. I'm giving you all free afternoon.1

S: Why?1

Because that was the easiest way to persuade her? She'd never accept if she knew it was for her, would she? Also, it would sound immature to just give his employees the afternoon free only because he wanted one of them to be available.

L: Because I'm the boss and I can :P1

He tried joking, but received no response. He sighed, thinking of a good excuse to dismiss his employees. Was there some feast maybe? It was a Friday, they'd have the whole weekend, but he needed a good reason. The CEO needing to spend the most time he could with one of them didn't sound good, did it?

L: The trip was successful, you all deserve a reward

That sounded sane, right?

S: We deserve a reward for something you have accomplished?

Lucas sighed. A tough nut to crack, definitely.1

L: I just want to reward my employees for their excellent job, is that bad?

S: Only suspicious4

L: Sure, I'm willing to lose a day of work just because I'm horny and I need my favorite employee to satisfy me. Does that sound less suspicious to you?2

S: I didn't mean that

L: Mean what? That I can't keep it my pants? Oh, I know you think it.1

S: You're being irrational.

L: I always am, aren't I?

Samantha sighed, leaving her phone on her stomach. Why was he so touchy lately? She gaped at the watch on the nightstand: she had 20 minutes to get to work, she'd never make it in time, considering she was still in pajamas. That gave her the idea.

S: I can't anyways, I'm sick.

A silly lie, but it was worth it. All she needed to do now was call the office and actually call in sick for the day. It was a matter of minutes, Amanda was even too quick to liquidate her.

L: How sick?

Samantha then read his message. She bit her lips, distractedly caressing Sky that was beside her, poking his nose to see the texts.

S: I woke up with flu1

That should do it. She hoped that was enough to keep him away, then she'd have the whole weekend to prepare to see him on Monday and, finally, face him: she would tell him, she would finally tell him she wanted to break off whatever was between them. She would, she was determined ... just needed a few days more to gather courage.1

However, the next text ruined her plans.

L: I'll come see you once I get to NY1

Her heart skipped a few beats as she gasped, and Sky barked in alarm, seeing her troubled. He couldn't come to her apartment, he would see she was lying, and it would be trouble.

S: No need, thanks

L: I just want to make sure you're okay, is that bad?

Samantha inhaled deeply, closing her eyes. What was he doing? Didn't he know it was risky for them to get too close? Why was he insisting? Why did he care to know how was she?

S: I'm fine. It's just flu.

Believable, after all it was October already, Halloween would be in a couple of weeks, weather was actually colder now.

L: I'll come as your friend, not your employer. I wanna make sure that you're okay, not control if you're lying to ditch work.

The word friend echoed in her mind for a few moments as she let Sky snuggle into her. Friend. Lucas deemed himself a friend. It was odd. She'd never had a friend, not a real one, to the very least. 1

The most she'd had had been close acquaintances, which she'd lost easily because of her distant attitude, Sean deemed himself a friend, that might be somewhat true, but Samantha didn't really know what it felt to have a real friend. Someone to turn to when in need, someone that would worry about her, be willing to spend time with her, despite her silences ... Sean did that, or attempted to, but he was always rejected.

Now Lucas ... he was a friend that wanted to make sure she was okay, he claimed. Was that true? Or was he just saying it? People do that, she thought, say one thing, think another, she'd had many of her acquaintances do that, practically all of them.

Even her ex boyfriend talked about her to his cousin, complaining. She'd heard him once, saying she was too frigid, sex with her was barely decent because she never let herself go, she never showed any sign of affection, never once texted first nor called, it was always him ... it was a bit of a shock for Samantha, who'd believed their relationship was working precisely because he didn't need those things, he was fairly distant of his own. Needless to say she broke up with him right after that.1

Maybe Lucas didn't mean it. Maybe he was just seeking an excuse to come to her place. Yeah, he surely was. He just wanted to poke his nose into her private business, the same as that night in the elevator. Shaking her head, Samantha texted her reply:

S: I'd rather you wouldn't. Thanks.

Lucas growled in exasperation. He was a stubborn bull, but she seemed to beat him easily.

L: Do you have everything you need? I can bring you some medicines as soon as I get back.

He couldn't deny he was sincerely worried. It was just flu, yes, but it could be debilitating.

S: I am fine. I need nothing. Thank you.

L: Right. You've got Sean taking care of you, what else could you need ...

Lucas deleted the latter message, knowing it was too bitterly honest. Sighing, he rubbed his temples, headache raising once again. Maybe that was it, she was all well taken care of by that Sean, that's why she didn't want him there, maybe Sean truly was her boyfriend, and she didn't want him to know she was screwing another guy. Lucas felt his anger rise at that thought. Could that be true? Was he truly caught up in a betrayal?

L: Is Sean there with you?

He bit his lip before sending it, but in the end he did. If he really wanted to take a step further, he needed to be sure it wouldn't be in vain. Also, he felt dirty even only thinking he might be part of her betrayal.

S: No, why?

L: I don't know, I would take care of my girlfriend when she's sick ...

S: Sean is not my boyfriend.

L: You sure?1

S: I would know that, wouldn't I?

Too happy, too happy ... oh, screw it. She wasn't taken, it was a step in advance. But she was too committing, too complicated ... was she really worth it?1

***

It was only when Sky started barking loudly that Samantha realized there was someone at the door, the music had been too loud to hear them knock, and she'd been too busy dusting the bookshelves, aka jumping back into her favorite books.

Dusting off her hands on her sweats, she hurried to the door when the knocking got insistent and Sky started agitating, alarmed. "Down, boy", she ordered as she grabbed him by his collar, to hold him back. Before opening, she called out: "Who is it?" It was mid-afternoon of a mid-October Friday, it couldn't be the postman nor the courier, Sean was still working, who else would come knocking on her door?

"A friend." A male voice answered from the other side. Somehow Samantha thought of only one person that would say that. Swallowing hard, she thought of a reason not to open. "I come in peace, I swear", the voice continued from the other side of the door. 1

Sky barked louder, starting to growl at the door as he saw his mommy turn pale. "Come on, open the door, Samantha, you know who I am". That's exactly why she didn't want to open, she'd have wanted to point out, but held it back. The sole solution she was able to find was silence, which didn't work at all, obviously. "Samantha, I'll stand out here until you let me in. You know how stubborn I am."1

She bit her lips, her voice trembling a little as she pretended to cough while answering: "Go away, I'm sick".

Lucas rolled his eyes from the other side. "That's exactly why I'm here, silly girl. Come on, open this freaking door. I won't attack you, you know".1

She would have chuckled, hadn't she been too anxious. Inhaling deeply, she only persisted: "Please, leave".

"You gotta force me, baby". He spat through gritted teeth.1

Even the nickname had her heart vibrate, and she clumsily brought a hand to it, in order to keep it in check. "Keep calm", she whispered to both herself and that unruly muscle. He'd never called her that, heck, he'd never given her any nickname, why now? Shaking her head in denial, Samantha stubbornly repeated herself: "I'm sick, Lucas. Please, leave".

"Ah, so you do know who I am ... come on, I brought you medicines."

"I don't need anything, thanks."

"Sam ..."

Yet another nickname. What was he doing? Trying to cause her arrhythmia? Her breathing itched, and she lost control of Sky's collar, which allowed him to start scratching the door, barking in alarm, while she dropped against it, trying to restart breathing properly. It was only a nickname, only a nickname, it meant nothing. Nothing. She couldn't lose herself just for that, she was a reasoning adult.1

Yet it was hard to control her heart while it ran so fast. Only at a frilly nickname. "Lucas, please, leave", Samantha repeated, this time weakly, her head spinning. Distance, she needed distance. He was going too far, too, too far, was getting too close to her heart. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, for how shaky that was, moving a hand to her own heart, trying to bring it back to submission, but failing.

"Sam, come on ... the more you keep me out here, the more I'll worry. Just let me in. I only want to see how are you. Just one minute and I'll leave, I promise." Why did he care this much? It was only a flu, for how fake, why was he bothering so much? Those were the questions each of them asked to themselves, without getting a clear answer.1

However, knowing full well how stubborn he was, Samantha did her best to regain her impassive control, and stood at the door, about to open it. "Only one minute", she remarked, grabbing Sky by his collar, ordering him to keep quiet. Taking one more deep breath, she opened the door, but the sight left her speechless. There he was, Lucas Grant in all his glory, wearing a black suit, with black vest, white shirt and red tie. For hating suits, he wore them quite often lately, she thought.1

"I came straight from the airport", he justified, as if reading her mind. Samantha nodded, unsure of what to say. Sky tugged at her grip to be let free to jump the intruder, but she held him back, while Lucas took a step back. "He doesn't like me, huh?"

"He doesn't know you", she answered pragmatically, to which he let out a small smirk.

"Well, like parent like child, right?" He scoffed, gaining a dirty look that he ignored, focusing on her appearance. She wore black joggers and a grey off the shoulder sweatshirt, sneakers at her feet, her hair was up in a messy bun, glasses always on her nose, yet she managed to take his breath away, which was a bad sign, Lucas knew that. Clearing his throat before she noticed he was staring, he asked: "So ... how are you feeling?"1

Embarrassed of her lie, Samantha bit her lip, guilty, blinking her eyes when he cleared his throat, averting his gaze from her. "Like I said, I'm fine", she managed to sound cold enough.

He nodded, and handed her a small paper bag. "Like I said, I brought you medicines, in case of need." She grabbed it automatically, and he stuffed his hands in his pockets, conscious that it wouldn't be long before he just pinned her against the wall and kissed the heck out of her, for how much he'd missed her. That'd be counterproductive, though.1

Silence reigned for only a few moments, before Lucas broke it with a joke: "I've only got one minute, so I guess I better make the most of it ...", receiving no response. He cleared his throat, wondering how catastrophic would it be to ask her out.

He needed to tread very carefully, he wasn't sure of anything yet, and it wouldn't be fair to play with her feelings – if she had any, that is. "So, um ... I just got back, and ... uh ... I'm not leaving for a while, so ..." That sounded idiotic, he scolded himself, mentally face-palming.1

"If you're implying what I think, it's not the right moment." Samantha pointed out matter-of-factly, only moving to push Sky back inside before he started barking, and she closed the door behind her.

Lucas noticed the gesture, taking it as the simple fact that he wasn't even allowed in her home, which together with her phrase offended him a little. "I'm not here for sex, Samantha", he pointed out coldly.

She nodded, crossing her arms over her chest. "Okay. I ... gotta go".

"You look fine for being so awfully sick" He mentioned, now seeing the truth behind her lies.

As if on cue, she took a step back, ending up blocked against the door, which was a feeling she didn't like one bit, and him attempting to close the gap between them only worsened it. She could feel her anxiety levels raise already, her hands starting to sweat and tremble, no matter how hidden beneath her armpits. She was a wreck, she knew that, and that was one more reason to keep rejecting his closeness, emotionally, to the very least.

"You just didn't want to see me, did you?" Lucas pointed out, his ocean blue eyes fixated on her hazels, making her anxiety levels skyrocket. She was close to hyperventilating.

"I-I'm sorry", Samantha stuttered, lowering her gaze while her heart raced like a fool, both because of her anxiety and because of her hidden emotions.

"You could have just told me, you know", Lucas mentioned, a little dejectedly. "I wouldn't have been mad."

"Lucas ..."

"No, it's fine. Last time ... we didn't exactly part on good terms, did we? I understand if you want to ... stop seeing me after work." His heart screamed out its disapproval, but what was he supposed to do? It was evident that she didn't want him around, his sole presence made her wary at this point, he couldn't force her, could he?

Besides, maybe it was really better to just avoid seeing each other for a while, this way he might put his mind back on track, well, he could try, to the very least, and if that didn't succeed, he could fully evaluate whether the whole thing was worth the effort or not, before taking it any further. He didn't want to be a mediocre boyfriend, if he didn't have the strength to put up with her complications, then he ought to just let her be, otherwise he'd only risk hurting her, didn't he?

Samantha's heart stopped at his words, though. It was true that she'd been determined to end it, but coming from his mouth ... she had troubles breathing as she closed her eyes, holding back every emotion, for how possible. Normally it would be easy, but this time she was close to breaking right in front of him. That's why, without any further explanations, Samantha just muttered a weak "okay, bye", and retreated back into her safe cocoon at the speed of light, without leaving him the time to think of an answer.2

Weak, fragile, and hurt, Samantha dropped against the door, covering her mouth with her hand in order not to sob loudly, tears already streaming her cheeks while her heart ached. She'd wanted this, she'd wanted to end it, whatever there was between them, yet now it hurt.

Sky swiftly came to her rescue, snuggling into her arms, whining with her, licking her face to cheer her up, but it didn't work. It was supposed to be a good riddance, it would give her the chance to forget about him and the thoughts he'd been causing her, but it hurt nevertheless.

The price of freedom. At least half of her heart.

Standing outside her apartment, Lucas gaped at the door, confused. What just happened? He'd only said one sentence, and she'd run off as if the devil were hot on her tail. She'd seemed weaker, pale, kind of quivering, her voice trembling ... was she getting sick for real or was it an unexpected response to his statement? He battled with himself, should he insist or just let her be?2

Every time he tried to get out of the anonymous muddle of strangers, she pushed him back in, evidently rejecting even the sole idea of a friendship. If she didn't even want them to be friends, then how could she want more? She certainly didn't.

Was all of this really worth the trouble? Especially given that he wasn't in the right shape to be a good boyfriend as of now. He'd given up on girls that gave him much more than an ongoing cold shoulder, why should he keep fighting to breach through the cold stone wall she'd put up to keep him out?

Because she's worth it. That's why. His heart chided. Samantha was worth it, she was worth every effort. She might be complicated to deal with, it was easy to notice, but was he supposed to give up because of that? He'd had three weeks to move past the thought of her, he'd had every chance to forget about her, even if only for a while, yet he never had, even while chatting with Karen Selfridge, all he could talk about was Samantha. 2

Samantha here, Samantha there ... he just couldn't move past that subject. She was in his every discourse, no matter what, as Karen had pointed out, and he was gloomy when she wasn't around, he'd missed her ... gosh, how much he'd missed her. Then what was there to wonder? The signs were clear, anybody with eyes could see them.

He was ... falling in love. Plain and simple. No matter how cold she was with him – outside of bed, that is –, no matter the distance, despite the evident conflicts not just of interest, but also of real chances ... Lucas finally realized, he was falling in love with Samantha Benedetti. Deeply, madly, unstoppably. 2

The real dilemma now was, was she falling too, or was he alone in this fool journey?