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What Qualities Does a Dom Need?

I’ve been asked this question more than once. Here’s a list of qualities I think a good Dom should have ideally, though nobody’s perfect.

1. A good Dom should really want to be a dom. Sounds obvious? You don’t have to read too far around the net to come across cases where someone is trying to be a Dom or someone is trying to make him one, but it isn’t really working because he doesn’t actually want to control a submissive. There seems to be quite a lot of subs who are dissatisfied with their Doms in one way or another. They are always having to ask for spankings, always giving hints about their need to be tied up or roughed up, but they don’t get the response they need because he isn’t really into it.

I think quite a lot of ‘Doms’ pretend to want to control their subs because they are trying to please them. They know their lovers are submissive and want to be dominated, they are nice guys and so they try to please them by being as domly as they can. But any self-respecting sub can see through this easily. It never works. My view is that if your heart isn’t in it, leave it alone. Yes, your lover will be left dissatisfied. But it’s better to be honest; in this case, half a loaf is definitely not better than no bread; a pretend Dom is worse than none at all. If she really, really wants it, and you aren’t that way inclined, why not let someone else spank her instead? This isn’t as strange as it sounds. Some people make this arrangement work; read The Adventures of Spanko Girl website if you doubt it.

2. A good Dom should really like women. Again, this might sound obvious. Why would you bother if you didn’t like women? In fact, there may be several reasons. Some men want to be Doms because they actually dislike women; it seems like a good way to take it out on them, to do them down. It’s a disguised form of misogyny. I think a lot of men don’t really like women, not much anyway. They need them, for all sorts of reasons; the woman can cook better than he can, or he’s lonely without her, or he wants sex and/or children. None of these reasons are totally disreputable ones for sharing your life with a woman. But they aren’t to be confused with being a Dom. Ask yourself, potential Doms, do you really, deep down, like women? Would you right now rather be talking to a woman or a man? Do you have as many women friends as men? Do you think women are nicer than men? Do you think women are better at living productive lives than men? Do you get as much satisfaction from your woman’s orgasms as you do from your own? Do you think women are as intelligent as men? Do you think a woman’s cunt is the most beautiful thing in the world? If you can’t answer yes to most of these questions, perhaps you don’t like women very much, or not as much as you think you do. And if not, perhaps it would be better if you didn’t try to Dom them.

3. A good Dom should really like sex. Don’t we all? Well, no, in my experience from talking to men, and to the women they fuck, I get the impression that many men don’t really enjoy it all that much. What they enjoy is the end product, the intense physical sensation of the orgasm, and the psychological release it gives them. And some men enjoy the chase, the whole process of enticing the woman into bed. But once they get her there they want to get it over with. So they can get back to what they prefer to spend quality time on: building their careers, drinking with their buddies, writing their blogs…

If you are a Dom, you have to enjoy the actual process of having sex with your sub. You have to enjoy all the details, all the ritual, for its own sake. You have to really, really want to spend an hour tying her up, or an hour spanking her and another hour of TLC (Tender Loving Care) afterwards, or an hour teasing her clit with your tongue till she begs and cries and whimpers to come. If you get impatient with how long it’s taking, if you are looking at your watch wondering how soon before you can fuck her and come, then perhaps you don’t enjoy sex enough to bother with being a Dom. There’s no shame in not being one. It takes all sorts. You could save a lot of time by not being one, if you aren’t sure.

4. A Dom needs confidence. His sub needs to feel she is in the hands of someone who knows what he is doing. Confidence is not the same as arrogance. A Dom will always look for feed-back, but he must have a firm idea of where things are going. If ever a sub gets the feeling he’s about to ask her, “what would you like next”, he’s ruined it for her.

5. You need imagination. Both because D/s relationships like any other kind can get in a rut, and you have to constantly reinvent, think up new routines and rituals. And also because the Dom needs to be able to imagine what things feel like for his sub. Put yourself in her place. What sort of experience is this that she’s having? If I were a sub, would I like it? It’s my theory that the more you are a Dom, the more you can understand a sub. It’s just the reverse side of the coin. Opposites attract.

6. Patience. Subs may need a lot of training. Most subs worth their salt are high-maintenance; they need a lot of care and attention. It’s not easy training a girl to give you everything she can. Often there’s resistance. She’s shy, she’s had a bad experience in the past, she’s afraid you might harm her; she’s not sure submitting is good for her. It takes time to instill trust in her and convince her to let go. And you have to be prepared for set-backs. It’s not going to be smooth progress all the way. It’s no good trying to cut corners. Anyway, it’s precisely in not cutting corners that the fun lies.

7. I think it’s important a Dom can express his thoughts and feelings. If she’s going to give you everything, she needs to know what’s going on in your mind. She needs to understand both what you want and why you want it. You have to talk to her. Submissives are very needy. They require a lot of input. I suspect some Doms adopt a gruff and moody mien, thinking it will intimidate her. But it’s not a sign of strength, being silent, articulating your feelings isn’t just a thing for women.

8. A sense of humor. Sometimes things go wrong. Sometimes what you are doing will seem comical. Generally, I’m suspicious of people who say, “Oh, sex is such a ridiculous form of activity. Humans never look more silly than when engaged in intercourse.” People who say that sort of thing may have a problem with sex. It’s a defensive response: “I am not at all sure I like sex, so if I say it’s ridiculous I’ve covered myself.” On the other hand, sometimes when executing a difficult bdsm maneuver, you trip up and fall over. Time to laugh.

9. One thing that’s essential is self-control. I don’t think a Dom should ever lose his temper. He may get angry, if she’s given him due cause. That’s only human. But he must control this anger. Lashing out will damage the trust she has built up in you. Nor should the Dom ever get carried away in the heat of the moment. If you get into a sexual frenzy you risk harming her. She’s the one you want to lose control. But getting her to that point means you must always be in charge, both of her and of yourself. Remember, submissive women put themselves in a very vulnerable position. We need to take good care of them.

10. Willingness to admit being in the wrong. I don’t find this easy at the best of times. But I’m learning that confidence is one thing, pig-headedness is another. You can’t know everything. Sometimes you can’t understand the signals your sub is giving off. So you do the wrong thing. Admit it. She will respect you more if you do.

A lot of this is just human relations; it’s not specific to D/s. Anyone needs patience, imagination, etc. It’s the first three qualities that are more specific to a Dom. First and foremost I’d say you need confidence. You have to feel sure of what you want and certain that you will get the right response. You can’t afford any uncertainty about what you are doing, or about whether you are serious about it. She will sense any hesitancy on your part, and it will affect her ability to respond to you. Such confidence is not an easy thing to acquire. It comes both from an inner knowledge, that this is truly what you want, and also from experience.

What Do You Call Your Dom?

If you are a female submissive, how do you address the one to whom you submit? Not all submissives call him “Sir”. Such terms can carry quite a weight of cultural baggage. For someone of my generation Sir is a word which has echoes of formal, institutionalized authority structures. When I was at school we called all our (male) teachers “Sir”. (For all I know, these days students call their teachers by their first names.) And “Sir” is the term by which you address a senior officer in the military. Interestingly, you don’t call a sergeant “Sir”; only an officer. This suggests that there is a definite class difference implied by the use of the term; it’s not just about who has authority over whom.

In England, with its finely graduated and still pervasive class system, we have an extensive glossary of the proper terms for addressing people of different social stations. Thus you must call a Duke “your Grace”, not “my Lord” (which is appropriate to an Earl). A bishop is also addressed as “Your Grace”, but a Cardinal is “Your Eminence”. An ambassador is “Your Excellency”. You call a judge “Your Honor”, but a mere magistrate is “Your Worship”. The Queen is “Your Majesty”, except that in conversation one says simply “Ma’am”. Of course Doms and subs don’t have to follow such rigid rules. They can call each other what they like. If he wants you to address him as “Most August Lord of All Dark Knowledge and Shaker of Worlds”, that’s fine if you can say it without giggling, though life is easier if you can agree on something simpler. “Sir” is probably the most common choice, but it doesn’t trip easily off some submissive tongues, perhaps for the reasons alluded to above, that it carries associations. Maybe the sub doesn’t like the suggestion it carries of deference to one’s superior in the class system. She submits, but sexually, not because she feels she is a socially inferior person. Even if the term is used without such associations being implied, it does surely carry a sense that the submission is not purely sexual. (Though is anything in D/s ever purely sexual? By the same token, is anything ever purely non-sexual?) When he says “Bend over” and she answers “Yes, Sir”, what is signaled is surely not just her assent, but her recognition that her obedience is given in the context of a structure of authority and deference.

So, it’s not uncommon to find that a submissive has some resistance to using the word “Sir”. Maybe she can’t quite take things seriously enough to do that. But the urge to giggle can simply be a defense mechanism; if so, and if the Dom recognizes that for what it is and insists nevertheless on the use of the deferential term, he may well be rewarded by finding she is pushed into subspace through the act of having her resistance overcome. Of course the Dom wouldn’t necessarily insist on her using the term in everyday life. It might be reserved for when he wants to feel her submission.

In my case, all the women with whom I have had a D/s relationship have been considerably younger than I am. This hasn’t necessarily meant that there is an element of age-play at work in our relationship, though it has sometimes been there in the background. But it does perhaps make it easier for the woman to say “Sir” if the man is older. What about women who submit to men younger than themselves? Do they say “Sir”? Do they find it easy?

I think the use of the term “Master” is somewhat simpler to define. I would not ever expect any woman to call me Master unless I had earned the title. I think that takes time, it takes work. What the term “Master” signifies to me is a far greater level of commitment and stability in the relationship than could be arrived at after merely a few weeks. I would also think it implies that the Dom has taken charge of more than just the submissive’s sexuality. He will be in control of many other aspects of her life; perhaps even of all of them.

And, while we’re on the topic, what then of “Dom”? I take this to be an abbreviation of ‘Dominant’ and that it implies a certain degree of permanence in the relationship (though less so than in the case of a Master), and a greater degree of authority than a “top”. Of course, it’s a description, not a form of address (I can’t imagine her saying “Yes, Dom”, “No, Dom”.) Some people don’t like labels; they resist being called, or calling another, anything at all; though then there is the problem of how to talk about the person without employing lengthy circumlocutions. Perhaps we need some new terms which are value-free. Like DSO/SSO: Dominant/Submissive Significant Other. But I’d still want her to call me Sir when it mattered.

PS. One could write another essay on how a submissive man addresses his Domme. “Mistress” seems common, but perhaps it’s a little old-fashioned. I’ve heard of men who say “My Lady”.