10

How Does the Dom Address Her?

Often a Dom will give her a pet name, and this can be not only pleasurable (indicating that she is a special person for him), but it can be useful too, because it allows her to develop, if not a separate personality exactly, then different aspects of her personality which only come into play when the name is used. That can be very liberating, a kind of role-play that allows her to inhabit a secret self which only he knows about, one free from social constraints and inhibitions.

There are also certain phrases which help create the right mood and push her into sub-space if used properly. One of these is “good girl”. I use this a lot, but I’m aware that it’s not without its problems. Many self-confident and strong women, whether they call themselves feminists or not, object to being called “a girl”. I share their dislike of the way in which television commentators will call women tennis players or other athletes “girls”. In such contexts the term is demeaning and patronizing, often deliberately so. It’s quite a different matter if women call themselves “girls”. There are several blogs (AlwaysArousedGirl, SpankoGirl, Sexy UK Girl to name a few) which employ the term, yet these blogs are written by people who certainly do not accept they have a lower status because they call themselves girls. It’s much the same as gay people calling themselves “queer” or black people calling each other “nigger”. They can call themselves what they like, but it doesn’t give other groups the right to use the term.

If I say “good girl” what do I intend to convey? It’s certainly not meant as a put-down. It may invoke some element of age-play, even if indirectly, but I don’t think it necessarily connotes this. When I say “good girl” I’m implying a difference in power and authority rather than in years. It’s the best term I know for indicating that I am in control. It’s the sort of thing I would say if I had my hand on the back of her neck, exerting firm but gentle pressure, or if she were kneeling with her head in my lap. I use it when she pleases me, and it indicates affection as well as approval.

At times I want to take this further, and call her my “good little girl”. Again, this doesn’t necessarily mean I reduce her to the (metaphorical) status of a child, but it does indicate I expect deference. And there will be occasions when I shall want to call her “bad girl”. I think this would usually be in play. If I was angry (god forbid) I don’t think I’d call her a bad girl. I’d use her name, her real name, to indicate I was really serious, that she had stepped out of line. I’d hate it if I had to talk like that to her, and so would she. But if I called her “bad girl”, she would know I was in the mood to play. A fun spanking might be just around the corner.

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He calls her “good girl” when he is pleased with her. But he also wants her to be his slut. How can you be a slut and a good girl at the same time? After a while she begins to understand the apparent contradiction. She realizes it is mainly a question of attitude. It’s not so much a matter of what you do or don’t do that gets the approving pat on the head, but what her state of mind is when she does those things. And so she finds she can do really bad things, things she has scarcely dreamed of (and when she dreams of them she never tells), and still do them in such a way that gets the magic words of approval.

A submissive girl wants to be told when she has done the right thing, she wants to know she has pleased her Dom, she wants a tangible sign of his approval. “Good girl” is a verbal pat on the head. If you don’t like that, your head isn’t in the right place to be a submissive. No reason why it should be. If you don’t want to be one, don’t be. It’s a free country. It’s a matter of having the right attitude. The attitude of wanting above all to please, the attitude that says, it’s not so important exactly what he wants me to do, or how much I want to do it, what’s important is that I do it anyway, and what’s more, do it with a good grace. No pouting, no sulking, no sighs. If you do it because you genuinely want to make him happy, then he’s a very surly Dom if he doesn’t say “good girl”.

I know some girls struggle with this a bit. The first few times they bristle. It seems inconsistent with the respect they feel is their due, as an independent, adult woman, albeit one who is willing to accept sexual domination. But a Dom never loses his respect for his sub. It’s just that he expresses it in a different way, and the way he responds to a female acquaintance in ordinary life is not the same as the way he responds to his sub.

It may take a bit of getting used to. She needs eventually to shake off her dignity, her sense of amour-propre, her disposition to bridle at any disrespect. She needs, both literally and metaphorically, to get used to being on her knees, to being comfortable with that. When she is, each time she hears “good girl” she will know she has done really well. And that will be her reward.

What a Dom Expects

Submissive girls like to know where they stand, what’s expected of them. Every Dom has his list of cardinal virtues. This is mine. Of course, a willingness to submit is a sine qua non. But that’s not enough. One looks for other qualities, and there are four I rate highly. They are virtues that might be generally valued, by anyone; I’ll explain why they are particularly important in a submissive.

Punctuality

Not meeting deadlines, turning up late for an appointment, not being available online when you say you will be, all these things are irritating to anyone who is a victim of them. But to a Dom they are particularly aggravating, because they display a fundamental lack of respect. If you are late, it shows you don’t care enough to be on time. Of course, there are sometimes unavoidable delays. That’s obvious. But persistent lateness is a sign that you can’t be bothered. And if you can’t be bothered, nor can I.

Politeness

Everyone likes nice manners. They don’t cost much and they provide the essential oil to ease the wheels of social intercourse (and, yes, of sexual intercourse too). In a D/s context, politeness shows respect, even deference, and a Dom always finds that welcome. It’s not that he minds having his views or orders questioned. It’s the manner in which it’s done that is important. I think we can all agree that ‘Fuck off!’ is not the most appropriate response, even to an instruction that pushes the boundaries to an extreme degree. And I think if you like her to call you “Sir” (and I do when we are in D/s mode) then you should insist on it every time she speaks.

Punctiliousness

By this I mean attention to detail. This can cover such things as spelling, punctuation and grammar. I’m old-fashioned and I still think the correct use of the apostrophe matters. Why is this relevant to a submissive’s conduct? Again, I think it’s a question of respect. If she knows these things matter to me, then she will give them her attention. If she is careless that shows she doesn’t care enough. Or that she needs further training. Punctiliousness also covers such things as taking care to carry out instructions to the letter, always answering questions put to her, asking for further information if she is not clear about something, and not forgetting what she has been told. Doms are apt to be sticklers for detail, rightly so in my view. If you take the trouble to tell her exactly what to do, you want it done exactly, not more or less.

Patience

Last but certainly not least; this is a virtue which goes to the heart of D/s. Submissives are inclined to be over-eager. They want what they want so badly they can’t help themselves trying to push things forward. The result of this is topping from the bottom, which as everyone knows is a serious offence, against which the Dom must mount eternal vigilance. Training a submissive to be patient is time-consuming work, but it must be done if the Dom is ever to be satisfied with her conduct. I favor various kinds of exercises in making her wait. For example, permission for orgasm can be indefinitely delayed; if she grows ever more impatient, make her wait even longer. She will thank you in the end, when she comes to realize the rewards of virtue, the satisfaction to be obtained in pleasing her Dom even, or indeed especially, at the cost of having her own wants denied.

Anxieties of a Dom

Submissive women are prey to anxieties. A common one is a fear of disappointing the Dom. Is she submissive enough for him? Can she take as much as he wants to give her? Enough pain, enough humiliation, or whatever he demands of her. What submissives don’t always appreciate is that the Dom has anxieties too. For example, your goal is to bring her to the point where she is giving you absolutely everything she has to give. (She ought not to be worrying about whether that’s enough; you aren’t measuring her tolerance for pain or whatever against some objective standard. You just want all she has, and that will always be enough for you.) Your problem, though, is knowing when exactly she has reached that point. You don’t want to stop while you feel she still has more to give. But you don’t want to go too far either, and traumatize her by going past her limits. Knowing precisely at what point to stop is something you learn from general experience, and also from your knowledge of each woman in particular. By paying attention to all those subtle signs, the little sounds she makes, her movements, even her silence, you can get a feel of when a little more would be too much. But if you get it wrong it can be serious, so there’s bound to be some anxiety attached, especially in the early days of your relationship, while you are still learning to read her.

Another possible source of anxiety is whether you will find the right key to unlock her. Every submissive is different. Some respond to one thing, some to another. With one it’s a particular tone of voice or choice of words that sets her off. With another it’s something physical: a hand on the back of her neck, a slap on the face, the tweak of a nipple. With another it’s being ordered into position: on her knees, perhaps, or up against the wall. With yet another it’s some implement you use, a gag, maybe, or handcuffs, or the sight of the cane, that makes her wet.

What you’re looking for are signs that indicate which particular approach will get you inside her head quickest, which one will enable you to dig deepest into the particular nature of her submission. The signs are not always easy to read. They can be elusive. Sometimes she doesn’t want to let you see them. Maybe she’s afraid of you getting too much of a hold on her, afraid she’ll become dangerously addicted. Or maybe she’s too ashamed to admit that her secret fantasy is to be kept in chains all night, or exhibited naked to other men, or made to eat from a bowl on the floor like an animal. You have to find the right way to get past this resistance. It isn’t always easy.

Sometimes you think you’ve found it, the key to unlocking her mind, and then it doesn’t work anymore. She’s barred the door; she’s not going to let you back in. It happens. Not every woman with submissive leanings wants to act them out for ever.