8

What Does a Dom Expect?

We all have expectations of each other, assumptions about what might be reasonable and consistent and appropriate behavior. When a Dom encounters a woman whom he wishes to become his submissive and from whom he receives an initially encouraging response, he begins a grooming process during which he will teach her what his expectations of her are, should she wish to enter into a full D/s relationship with him. She may bring with her an already acquired set of responses. From previous encounters she may have learned what works and does not work for her. She may have done some reading in the copious literature on submission and domination, which will have planted certain ideas in her head. And certainly she will, as a combination of the character she was born with and her upbringing, be conditioned to behave in certain ways and not in others.

So the Dom does not get to work with a tabula rasa; far from it. But remember; he is the Dom. He is the one who will take the initiative. I nearly said, who will dictate events. But it won’t be a dictatorship, not at first anyway. I don’t frequent chat rooms, but I’ve spoken with submissive women who do. And I never cease to be amazed at the conduct of some of the men who lurk there. “On your knees, bitch” seems to be their idea of a subtle opening gambit. I can’t think of anything more likely to repel the kind of submissive I might be interested in. A D/s relationship is first and foremost a relationship, like any other. Won’t a woman want to like you and trust you before she lets you spank her bottom? There are no short cuts, and certainly not in an online relationship, with all its potential for undesirable outcomes.

Nevertheless, the Dom must lead. The sub may set conditions. She may have a list of limits beyond which she will not go; in which case the Dom will negotiate them, accepting some, and regarding others as a challenge if they stand in the way of what he wishes to achieve. A good Dom never simply accepts what the submissive will and won’t do for him, for often her limits prove only to be the camouflage with which shame covers those things she dare not admit to wanting. On the other hand, he will discover some limits are real and must be respected. It’s a test of his skill to know which are which.

But it’s not just a matter of limits on what she may or may not offer. A Dom will also have expectations about what is appropriate behavior, both within the bedroom and outside it. There’s much to be said on this question. I’ll confine myself to three requirements I have found essential if a D/s relationship is to make progress. First, she must trust me. Of course, trust has to be earned. But it cannot be indefinitely withheld. I must know that when I say a thing is so, she believes me. That when I say I will do a thing, she believes me. And when I say I will not do something, she believes that too. Women are taught to be cautious; early in their lives they have fears implanted in them, rightly so, in order that they may protect themselves against those who may wish them harm or who wish to take advantage of them through deception. But in a D/s relationship you must learn to let those fears go. If you cannot trust your Dom you will never achieve what you are capable of, and mistrust will ultimately corrode whatever you have together.

Second, a submissive must learn patience. This seems to be a hard lesson for many. Your Dom cannot always give you what you think you need. Subs can be high-maintenance. A good Dom will not fear that. But at the same time he cannot allow her needs to become paramount. Ultimately she is the one who must please and he is the one who must be pleased. If she cannot accept that, then say goodbye with no hard feelings; no woman is obliged to be a submissive, and doubtless there is plenty of enjoyment to be had simply with a little topping and bottoming. But a true Dom needs a woman who will wait, secure in the knowledge that he will call her when he needs her. And that when he calls, she will come.

I hesitate on what to call the third expectation I would have of a submissive. I think the nearest I can get is ‘deference’. Inside the bedroom I want a good deal more than that. I want obedience; isn’t that what being submissive is about, after all? But outside, I don’t want a fawning, puppy-like devotion, I don’t want a doormat who walks three paces behind and genuflects every five minutes. And I don’t, ever, want her to be afraid of me. What I do want is respect, an acknowledgement that in principle my wishes have precedence, as long as they seem reasonable. I want to feel that she genuinely wants to please me, that she accepts and likes me the way I am and doesn’t try to change me, and that if the circumstances that govern our relationship are not quite what either of us might choose, then she will make the most of that and not complain about what cannot be helped.

That’s a lot to ask, I know.

***

Here’s one mode of being submissive: For her there’s nothing as intoxicating as the knowledge of a beating in store, that delicious mixture of fear and anticipation. She loves all the ritual, the undressing under his eyes, being stood naked in the corner, hands on her head, made to wait for the discipline to come, then his hand tight in her hair, his voice firm and insistent in her ear, being led to the bench or the bed or the chair, bent over, told exactly what position to hold, ordered to lift her ass towards the whip or the cane, hold herself ready. And then the first vicious stinging blow, the blinding pain, almost too hard to bear as her flesh is lacerated, the pain thudding or cutting into her, from paddle or whip, over and over until the endorphins kick in and the searing agony becomes replaced by another sensation altogether. How to describe it? Pleasure-in-pain or pain-in-pleasure, hard to know one from the other, but she doesn’t want it to stop now, because the more intense the pain the greater the pleasure. She doesn’t know when to stop. She’s in his hands. He will know; he will decide.

Here’s another mode. When he says go stand in the corner she’s almost nauseous with apprehension. She trembles at the thought of the cane thwacking into her bare bottom, the cruelty of it, and the sheer naked brutality of his power. She shrinks, her insides clenching into a small, tight ball. She’s never liked pain and she still doesn’t, even after so much training, so much practice at endurance. There’s only one thing makes her submit to it. More than she wants to avoid the pain, she wants to please him. Nothing comes above that. After each stinging blow she will force herself into position, grit her teeth awaiting the next stroke, all because she knows how much pleasure it gives him to beat her, to assert his naked power over her, and she wants more than anything to be his, to be his owned property. And if a man can’t beat his property when he feels like it, what use is it to him, she thinks. And then afterwards, when at long last he lays down the cane and takes her in his arms and soothes her and tells her what a good girl she is, then she knows a profound pleasure that makes up for the pain, more than makes up for it. She feels proud, she feels fulfilled, she feels that she is exactly what he wants her to be, and that is all that matters.

So, the question I was asked by a reader is, what sort of submissive would a Dom get most pleasure from? Is it more satisfying to beat a pain-slut, a submissive who revels in the whip and wants to be pushed further and further? Or is it more of a testament to his control over her, does it give him more of a power-rush, if he knows she submits despite the pain, not because of it? Speaking personally, I would say you can’t compare the two. There’s a different kind of pleasure in each. It’s good to feel that she enjoys each stroke as much as you do. But it’s also very satisfying to know that she will endure so much just to please you. And it might also be that she has different moods, or better still can respond to his different moods, the same girl being sometimes one thing and sometimes the other.

Seven Types of Dom

Mindful of my attempt to categorize submissives into seven types, a reader asked if I think there are different types of Dom too. I think I can see several variations.

1. There’s the slave-master. He wants her utterly and totally submissive, obedient to his every whim. He wants, in the most extreme example of the type, to dominate every aspect of her life. Not only does she spend most of her time in his presence naked and on her knees, in chains. He may even dictate when she goes out, whether she works, and who her friends are. He wants her, both physically and metaphorically, in a cage. I’ve even heard of Doms who dictated their slaves’ religious and political practices (I suppose you can’t literally force someone to believe in god, but you can certainly force them into church.) I think many submissives flirt with this idea; in their secret thoughts they find such extremes exciting, while knowing full well they could never consent in this way.

2. At the other end of the spectrum is the fuck buddy, D/s style. When he’s with his submissive, he likes to spank her or tie her up (or both; some Doms are greedy!). But he has little interest in pursuing his domination outside the bedroom. He can’t be bothered with all the rules, regulations, and surveillance. Some people would say he’s just a top, not a Dom. I don’t really mind what you call him, but I think you know the type. He’s perfectly happy being the way he is, he doesn’t want the full monty, and there are lots of submissives who feel the same way: I’ll do anything you want when we’re having sex, but don’t try to impose on me afterwards.

3. I think there are Doms whose major motivation is the infliction of pain. That’s what excites them, not all the rest of the psychological stuff that usually goes on around that. If the submissive wants the pain, so much the better, since that means he can dish out more of it. But he’s also pretty interested in giving her more pain than she wants. These guys can be dangerous, though lots of submissives in their secret fantasies imagine being at the mercy of such a scary figure.

4. By contrast, there is the lover. He adores his submissive. It’s a moot point whether he’s really in control, because even if she doesn’t know it, and she probably does, he’d do anything to please her. Spanking her or otherwise taking control is really the icing on the cake, not the essence of the relationship. He’s different from the fuck-buddy, though, because this is a full-time relationship, almost certainly one that excludes others, probably incorporates marriage and the rest of the domesticity package and which both parties assume is for life.

5. I think for some Doms a great part of the thrill of having a submissive, besides the power dynamics of the sexual relationship, is, for want of a better word, the intellectual pleasure of analyzing it. Some Doms act more like their submissive’s therapist than their owner. I don’t mean this as a criticism. It’s simply that it’s never enough for them to get her on her knees. They want to know how that makes her feel, and even why she does it. They want to get inside her head, maybe in part so that they can manipulate her more effectively, but also because it’s just so interesting to figure out how the submissive mind works. There’s always something more to learn. I confess to feeling that way myself sometimes.

6. Some Doms want to be worshipped. They want not just obedience but unquestioning devotion (there are plenty of vanilla guys like that too, I know). They like fancy titles and they like having her look up to them (literally as well as figuratively). They don’t like to be questioned. Instead they like the adoration to be expressed not only by acts of sexual worship, but by domestic service too. They regard such service as their due, as a tribute exacted from a subjugated being. I don’t mean to sound critical, there’s no reason why this can’t work, and lots of submissives want to offer just this kind of service. But I think of all the types of Dom it’s the one I least feel close to. I mean, I don’t object to a bit of cock-worship now and again, but I’ve always ironed my own shirts, thank you.

7. Finally, there are the ritualists, the Gorean Doms and the rest, who want the full paraphernalia of bowing and scraping, the submissive speaking of herself in the third person, using lower case when she writes of herself, doing all the formal rituals of “presenting”, following precise rules of dress, of deportment, of speech. I think some of this can be fun. I don’t think I have got the time or the inclination to go in for it full-time. But for some it is a vocation.