Chapter Eight

2 weeks later – October (California, USA)

You sighed in amusement as you watched your band mates fooling around in the studio. Your guitarist, Jackson, was currently being bullied by Kenny, your drummer, teasing him about chickening out in asking out the girl he liked.

"Come on man!" Jackson whined. "I totally panicked, alright?!"

Kenny ruffled his hair then gave you a face, which made you chuckle. "That's what you said last month!"

You shook your head as you went back to your notebook, writing the current song you were working on. Since returning back from Seoul, you had been writing nonstop; in the car, in your room, over dinner, and even in the middle of the night. You were so inspired that you had written about five songs within the week. At this rate, you might even have a full album by the end of the month.

"Yo, Y/N." Kenny called, interrupting your silence. "We're going to grab dinner. You coming?"

You waved a hand at him, "You guys go ahead. I'll catch up."

"Okay." He said and everyone moved out of the room, leaving you in quietness. Once everyone left, you sighed and ran a hand over your face. You looked at the piano at the corner of the room and a sudden though hit you.

It had been two weeks. Two weeks since you cleared everything with Guk. Two weeks since you had proper closure, which you knew was the one thing that has kept you up at night for the past five years.

Looking away, you grabbed your clear book from underneath the desk, in search for a scratch paper you can use. As you flipped it open, you found yourself staring at a page with a familiar handwriting.

The handwriting was evidently not yours.

Tracing your fingers along the phrase written in charcoal, you sighed as you read: “Tryin' to light up the dark.”

You realized that you haven't finished this song and that it had been kept hidden all this time. It was the same song you had been writing back at the theatre in Seoul; the same song Guk had helped you out with.

Sitting at the audio console booth, you looked at your phone, debating whether to call him or not. Your hands reach out and you unlocked it, opening your phone book and scrolling through your contacts until his name appeared. Your thumb hovered over the call button but just like always, your head got the best of you and you immediately closed your phone and placed it on the table far away from reach.

Instead, you reached for your guitar and turned your notebook to the page of the song you were currently writing. Taking a deep breath, you positioned your pick against the strings and strummed the first chord, your voice following automatically.

~

I bet this time of night you're still up

I bet you're tired from a long hard week

I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window

Looking out at the city and I bet

Sometimes you wonder about me

~

Seeing your phone on the table you felt the words flow from your mouth as easily as you were speaking a rhyme you had known so well.

~

And I just wanna tell you

It takes everything in me, not to call you

And I wish I could run to you

And I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do.

~

A sudden thought came to you and you reached out for your phone again, opening the voice memo app. Pressing the red button, you recorded the next stanza, which you had written the first night Guk had texted you. The night your writer’s block came to an end.

~

I bet, you think I either moved on or hate you

Cause each time you reach out there's no reply

I bet, it never ever occurred to you

That I can't say hello to you

And risk another goodbye

~

Closing your eyes, you felt the tears come but you still played...

Still loved...

~

Oh we made a quite a mess babe

It’s probably better off this way

And I confess babe

In my dreams your touching my face

And asking me if I wanna try again with you…

~

You suddenly stopped playing, unable to control the emotions washing over you like a storm surge. Your shaking hands covered your eyes as you sobbed your heart out in the quietness of your studio.

"And I almost do." You whispered as you felt your walls finally break down.

You hated it; hated the fact that after five years, your fairytale ending turned out to be so bittersweet. Hated the fact that Guk loved you and you loved him yet... you couldn't be together.

You hated reality as it promised a tomorrow without your best friend, without the love of your life...

Without Guk.

~~~

It was almost 2 a.m. when you came back home to your apartment. You spent the night recording the new track you just produced, which would be part of your new album.

You were extremely happy about the progress of your album for it was really coming together but at the same time, you couldn't help but feel a bit sad considering the events that happened in the past few weeks.

You have to move on, you told yourself as you made your way into the bedroom, plopped down on your bed and opened your laptop to check for emails. There were a few from your label, giving feedback on the demo tracks you sent but you skipped the messages, thinking that you'll get back to them in the morning.

Somehow, you found yourself drifting to social media. On twitter, specifically, checking your fan's tweets. Your spirits lifted slightly at the kind words they sent you.

>>

When's the record coming out?! I'm simply dying @Jane_Lou

@Jane_Lou Your perf in Seoul was amazing!!

@Jane_Lou I love you! ❤❤❤

In love? your eyes widened and you immediately tracked back through the tweets, and before you knew it you were redirected to a YouTube link. Your heart almost stopped when a familiar face came into view on your laptop screen.

It was a vlog... Guk's vlog.

You found yourself increasing the volume as you listened to what he had to say.

"October 22, 2014 Guk's log. It's been a while since I went on here. Mianhe," he chuckled and you felt your heart flutter at the sight. "We've been busy with promotions and we have a new project coming up, but I'm not allowed to say anything about it yet."

You watched him as he continued to speak about their schedules, how overwhelmed he was at the amount of people who came to see them at the fan signs and music shows, and how grateful he was to everyone who continued to support and take care of them.

You smiled at his words, thinking how mature he had become; although you could still see his shyness coming through.

"And," he rubbed his nape. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry to a friend of mine. We haven't seen each other in a long time and I was really happy that we got to meet again. I guess," he looked down at his lap and even if the framing didn't make you see, you knew he was fidgeting with his fingers like he always does when he was nervous. "I want that person to know that I'm sorry and I hope things were different."

You covered your mouth as you heard his words, fighting the tears that threatened to escape your eyes.

I hope that too, you thought.

"And…" Guk drawled, smiling. But it looked almost sad. " I hope you're not mad I finished the song."

Song? you thought curiously.

"And yeah," there was a pause as he looked straight at the camera and you swore your heart skipped a beat. "Don't cry, okay?" He said, his lips turning up slightly thought it didn't reach his eyes. A beautiful—sad smile. "Be happy."

His last words were barely a whisper but it reverberated through your hollowed heart, penetrating deeply until you had to catch your breath from the impact.

As he said goodbye, you looked at the recommended videos situated at the right side and saw a video of a song performance by Guk with a title that caught your eye: “Lost Stars.”

Your mouse hovered over the video in hesitation, but eventually, you mustered the courage to click on the thumbnail and the video appeared with Guk holding his guitar.

"So this is a song I wrote with a friend. I hope you guys like it." he started strumming and you slightly gasped as he began to play a familiar tune.

~

Please don't see, just a boy caught up in dreams and fantasies

Please see me, reaching out for someone I can't see

~

Guk continued to sing, your lips following his words in sync with the melody and you felt like you were sharing a secret. You closed your eyes, letting his words consume you, remembering the events that happened in the past few weeks: seeing him again, talking to him again, loving him again (though you knew you never stopped) …

As the second stanza hit, an instrumental played along and you gasped as you listened to the words he added into the song.

~

Who are we? Just a speck of dust within the galaxy

Woe is me reaching out for someone I can't see.

~

--Flashback--

“I remember we used to play songs together a lot.” He said. “And you always get so frustrated when lyrics escape you. I always have to help you out.” He snickered and you felt your chest tighten.

“Humble as ever, I see.”

“You know I’m kidding.” He said, his smile slowly fading as he continued, “Uh, hey. There something I’ve been meaning to ask you.” You hummed. “There was a line you said to me before…”

“I’ve said a lot of things to you before.” You muttered amusedly as you placed your guitar down, avoiding eye contact.

“People are just specks in the galaxy.” He said and your breath hitched, remembering those words. “But without us, there is no galaxy because we’re what it’s made of.” Silence hung over the two of you for a moment before Guk continued, “It seemed really funny before, how you used words like that to encourage me to make a difference with my music.” He glanced at you. “Do you remember that?”

--End of Flashback--

~

Don't you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow

Yesterday, I saw a lion kiss a deer

~

--Flashback--

"Ouch." He mocked a hurt expression as you handed him the chopsticks and you looked back into the bag just as he added, "That was my 'I think I'm in love with my girlfriend' look."

You stopped the moment the words were out of his mouth and you looked back at him in shock, seeing his face unchanged, staring at you with an adoring gaze and a soft smile. "W—what?"

"You heard me." He whispered.

--End of Flashback--

Guk looked straight at the camera; straight into your eyes as he sang the next few bars of the song:

~

Turn the page maybe we'll find a brand new ending

Where we're dancing in our tears

~

Your cheeks stained with tears as you smiled, understanding what he was trying to say through the lyrics he had written.

"Be happy." He had said and the tears flowed from your eyes like rain. You knew the reality the two of you were in, understood the consequences that could have occurred if you tried again when the circumstances were no better—had not changed.

~

And I thought I saw you out there crying

I thought I heard you call my name

And I thought I heard you out there crying

just the same...

~

--Flashback--

"I would've tried again if things were different." Guk said. "I would've tried again and made it right."

--End of flashback--

I would've said yes again too, you thought as you wiped the tears from your cheeks, knowing that your love for him still burned with a passion within your heart and that he will always be the one person whom you knew could make your heart beat, stop, and beat again with a single note.

~

And God tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young

It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run

Searching for meaning

~

"Be happy." You whispered, feeling a lightness in your chest at the realization that love, even though unacknowledged, remained true. Love stayed the same even across borders and even when circumstances fought against it.

~

But are we all lost stars?

Trying to light up the dark?

~

We definitely are, you thought.