Part Four

“And that's how you get 5.46. You just have to apply this formula then divide it by two.”

Olivia scrunched her eyebrows and chewed on her lower lip, her brain turning to mush. Ian was patient as always, explaining the steps one by one and not missing a single detail. They had been doing the tutoring session for several weeks now and Olivia had come to know him a little bit better despite his quiet demeanor.

Emphasis on “a little bit.”

She was naturally friendly and social and could practically get anyone to warm up to her in more or less an hour. But getting Ian to warm up to her, however, proved to be an even harder feat than taking intermediate Math. Ian was too quiet—aloof, and would only speak to her if it was related to Math or school in general.

Olivia believed you could tell a little bit about a person in the way they dressed or the things they owned. Ian almost always wore black or one of those white shirts that seemed to be too big for his figure. The fact that he carried around the same gray backpack didn’t really give her much to ponder over either.

Ian was a walking mystery and Olivia was slightly getting tired of figuring him out. Not bored. Just tired. It was frustrating that no matter what attempt she made at small talk or a simple “hey, want to get some snacks together?” it was always met with a firm “no,” like a door being slammed shut to her face. The door wasn’t even fully open in the first place! Just slightly ajar.

“I think we can call it a day.” Ian suddenly said when Olivia finished the last of the exercise he had given her. “You did okay today.”

Olivia tried not to snort at that. “Okay” was probably the closest thing to a compliment the boy has ever given her. She looked up and saw him already standing from his seat and gathering his belongings. Swift and quiet, as usual.

Olivia bit her lip, unsure what on earth she was thinking when she blurted, “Hey Ian? Are you busy later?”

The library was already quiet as it is, but with Ian pausing and turning to stare at her like she had just spoken to him in a different language, the dead air was almost deafening.

“Why?” He asked. “Do you need more time to review?”

“No, I…” Olivia shook her head, her hand gripping the pencil so tightly she feared she might break it. She wasn’t sure what came over to ask this…

Because you want to get to know him once and for all, a small part of her brain said. Ian was looking at her expectantly and she thought since it was already out there, she might as well finish what she started.

“I’m just…really hungry.” She said and Ian’s eyebrows rose slightly. “I was wondering if you wanted to grab a bite... My treat!” She added at the last minute, as if bribery was the only way to get him to say yes.

Olivia held her breath for an answer. She could almost feel the “no” resonating through Ian’s blank stare. He always seemed like he had somewhere else to be and was almost always in a rush to leave; their sessions always ending on the dot. So, Olivia was sure this time wouldn’t be any different—

“Sure.”

Olivia sighed in defeat, and then perked up when she realized she had heard him wrong.

“Wait, what?”

“I said sure.” Ian reiterated as he placed his Math textbook into his backpack. He slung one of the straps onto his right shoulder and looked at her expectantly. “You coming?”

It took her about ten seconds to gather her things and follow Ian out of the library; feeling fulfilled at having her mystery tutor finally agree to do more than just teach her about fractions and integers.

“Okay, let’s go!” She said a little too excitedly as she stood beside him, bouncing on the balls of her feet. Ian merely looked at her, shook his head slightly before turning and walking ahead.

Olivia stood there dumbfounded—floored, really.

Did Ian just smile at me?

~~~

The trip to McDonalds was short. It was, after all, just a few blocks down from campus. But the silence that surrounded them as they walked through the streets made it seem like the roads stretched on forever.

I can’t do this, Olivia thought helplessly just as she sidestepped Ian and turned to face him. He stopped, surprised when he was suddenly face to face with her but before he could comment, Olivia began walking backwards.

“So,” She held the straps of her backpack. “You’ve been in this city for how long?”

Ian gave her a worrying look, eyebrows scrunching slightly. Olivia thought it would’ve been cute if he didn’t do it ninety percent of the time. “Can you not do that?”

“Do what?”

“That!” he pointed at her walking backwards.

“Why?”

“You could trip and fall—”

“Please, I’m a pro at this.” She smirked though Ian didn’t look like he believed it one bit. “Anyways, how long?”

Ian sighed defeatedly, thinking it was hopeless. He knew how determined she could be from the way he watched her answer all those problem exercises. The girl would fight to explain her answer even if she was wrong. Somehow, that fact made him smile. He admired that trait of hers: the strength to speak one’s mind.

“All my life.” He muttered, glancing down slightly to make sure she wasn’t stepping on uneven path.

“Whoa, really? That’s cool. I’ve never been in a place for that long… Do you have any siblings?”

“An older brother.” He answered again and Olivia was thrilled. This was the most she had gotten out of him. She wondered what he had eaten this morning to be this way. She wanted to know so she could buy more of it for him.

“I’m an only child.” She replied. “Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a brother or a sister, though.”

“Doesn’t really make a difference whether you have one or not.” He shrugged and Olivia paused, sensed something dark in his tone.

“Of course, it does! It’s…less lonely.” She admitted, unsure why she had told him something so personal that easily. “What’s your brother like?”

Ian looked away then and sighed heavily. “He… he’s much older than me so we were never close. He works in America as an engineer…” Sadness clouded over Ian’s face but it was so brief Olivia wondered if she even saw that right. “I haven’t seen him in years.”

This time, Olivia stopped and looked at him. “So, who do you live with?”

Ian glanced at her. “I live alone.”

Olivia’s eyes turned wide as saucers. “Is that even legal? You’re what? Seventeen?”

“I’m eighteen.” Ian corrected and just like that the discussion ended. Olivia often forgot she started schooling much earlier than most kids, causing her to be a bit younger than the students in her grade.

“Oh, okay well then—whoa!” Just like Ian had predicted, Olivia tripped on an uneven path. She prepared for impact but it never came, for he was already reaching out and pulling her towards him. She stumbled forward, right onto his strong chest and the impact knocked the breath out of her.

She looked up and their eyes met. And for the first time, Olivia felt like her lungs stopped functioning. Ian’s eyes weren’t black as his soul as what she initially thought (the boy wore so much black his dark eyes might as well have been) …They were warm brown like hot chocolate on cold winter’s night, his gaze emanating warm sparks the way embers on the hearth.

Then she saw something else: an image of a two people hand in hand, a girl in a flimsy white dress, and warm eyes reflecting pure love and adoration. His eyes…

Wait, what?

Olivia backed away so fast as the thoughts vanished. It was almost like she had been electrocuted. She was terrified by them, unsure where they came from.

“You okay?” Ian asked, looking slightly worried by her shaken form.

Olivia looked at him and saw the boy who has been tutoring her Math for weeks now; seeing nothing different and yet…He felt like a whole different person.

Or someone vaguely familiar…

“Fine.” She smiled tightly and shook her head when Ian gave her a doubtful look. “I’m fine, just… thought of something. Wow, I must really be starving!” She joked to lessen the awkwardness before turning away and walking ahead.

Olivia was unable to look him in the eyes after that.

~~~

A few more weeks passed and Ian felt something change in his relationship with Olivia.

He tried to ignore what was happening. The truth that Olivia made him forget. She made him forget that he was alone, that he had this burden of seeing the exact time of a person’s death. He caught himself watching her on several occasions; memorizing her smile and even noticing the little details, like the way she would scrunch her nose in distaste whenever she was faced with a difficult Math problem. Ian liked the way she laughed too, even when she snorted sometimes. It was supposed to be funny but he only found it endearing.

He liked her determination and couldn’t help but feel proud whenever she passed a test. He could feel a warmth over his chest whenever she turned back to look at him in the classroom, waving her test paper with the B- written in red ink at the top right corner of the page. It wasn’t just the fact that he couldn’t see her numbers at all; a mystery he’d rather not crack and hoped wouldn’t dare change, but also how Olivia had made him feel like he could finally breathe; like he could finally see the light after hiding under hoodies and looking away from people’s faces.

With Olivia he could see. With Olivia, he could stare for as long as he wanted without feeling afraid—without feeling the heavy weight of guilt when faced with the numbers hovering over people’s heads.

With Olivia, he could just be normal.

And he might be naïve, his feelings unbounded by experience or valid reason. He may be like a moth drawn to a flame, unashamedly following the light he had been deprived of for so long… But Ian had never felt so alive. And as crazy as it sounded, he couldn’t deny that his feelings were sinking into dangerous waters a little deeper each passing day.