Last Exit

After crying for who knows how long and really coming to a realization that my existence was not needed nor wanted, I decided that I would take my life. As my final request to myself, I sing my favorite song entitled Last Exit. Every word I sing feels like it's my life being described, better yet feels like I’m the one who wrote the song. The song makes me cry even more as I now see that maybe my happiness was meant to be with the moon goddess and not with the living. It hurts me so much that even if I go now, no one would miss me. All I wanted was for at least one person to like me for me but I guess a dream is a dream for a reason, it’s not real. Death is the only way I can free my pack and myself. Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if I was born a different gender or in another pack. Maybe I was a mistake and wasn’t supposed to be born at all. I take the rock that I had in my hand and press it against my wrist, pressing down hard enough to draw blood. I press down harder and pass it across my wrist, forming a deep cut with blood dripping down slowly. I continue making deep cuts from my wrist to my shoulder and then move on to my next arm, not satisfied with the rate at which I’m losing blood, I start cutting at any part of my body that was exposed and even on the clothed parts. Feeling a little light headed, I get up and walk into the water until I am directly underneath the waterfall, where I dunk myself in the water. Refusing to resurface my chest begins to burn from the lack of oxygen as well as now, my blood was running like a river and mixing with the water. I smile to myself and close my eyes, letting go of my consciousness, thoughts and everything else that held me back or tied me to the world of the living. Eventually everything was slipping and I hated to admit it but that was the best feeling in the entire world, feeling my life slowly slipping away feels like an orgasm and a high at the same time. It feels so right and so good, almost like my own sexual high and I am loving it so much. I no longer feel any pain just pleasure and for the first time, happiness. Ha, who would believe that the first time I feel happy is actually the last time I would feel anything literally. Finding humor in the situation, with the little bit of energy I have, I chuckle causing more water to enter my lungs. My memories start flashing before my eyes, reminding of why I was doing this. Memories like me being neglected as an infant, my parent's severe punishments to me, my twin sister abuse and the rejection flash before my eyes until they suddenly stop and I come face to face with a bright light. The light slowly sucks me in until I am enveloped by it, enjoying the warmth I get from it, I move faster inside of this light which feels like home. Home, something I never had and hopefully finally had now. Home sweet home. The light dims and I find myself in a garden full of flowers, birds, an oasis and my wolf Alexis, who I run to and hug immediately, basking in the warmth. Alexis yips and howls in happiness at us finally seeing each other face to face. I kiss her over and over until she gets annoyed and softly paws my face away from hers. We sit down in the flowers, embracing each other and basically bonding without speaking because there really wasn’t a need to, Alexis knew everything and loved me no matter what. Feeling guilty for ending my life without saying anything to her, I whimper into her fur and hug her even tighter. Alexis understands and licks my face to say she accepts my apology and it’s okay because she understands. We stay laying in the flowers for a while before we hear a soft and melodious voice singing in the distance. I immediate get up with Alexis following. We make our way towards the voice which ends up coming from a woman with pale but glowing skin and white flowing hair that reaches the ground and actually continues for miles. Her hair had blue and green strips that were different shades, she had a head piece that was like a flower crown but instead of flowers, there were gold ornaments in the shape of wolves, the earth and the moon. She has her back to us but turns the moment we reach her and I gasp from the beauty of this woman. She has mismatched eyes, one blue and the other green, she has pink plump lips and a warm motherly smile that makes her look like an angel. She smiles at us and says “welcome my children”. I stare at her confused and she chuckles at my expression, going on to say “do not worry I am the moon goddess, mother of all and I am here to talk to you about your suicide”. I pale at her words and shakily step towards her, when she pulls me into a hug, I can only describe with one word, home.