Chapter One: This is how a heart breaks

"Look at her, she's so good with him." Her softly spoken voice said smiling over at the sight of our children. Ava sat on the couch as she cooed over her sleeping baby brother in his bassinet. “Thank you." My silvery voice whispered in her ear as we stood in the door frame of our newly remodeled kitchen.

“For what?" She asked turning around with a frown. “Giving me something to cherish." I grinned, walking fully into the kitchen. Kids was never in my handbook, but after creating two of them, I realized how much they make me who I am today.

"You're welcome, baby." She spoke smiling, which only caused me to smile big my damn self. Her smile could brighten up so many rooms. “I love you." I told her placing wet kisses on her juicy lips even though they were coated with lipgloss. “I love you more." She blushed, taking my bottom lip into her mouth. "Always and forever."

Waking up in a pool of my own sweat, I realized it was yet another dream. I swiftly pulled the white t-shirt from my body, tossing it on the empty side of my bed. Everything was pitch black, all that could be heard was cars driving by. Sitting up in the bed, I rubbed my hands down my face. It's been a whole year and I just still can't come to terms with it. Not only did I lose my wife, but my daughter lost her mother. No child should ever have to go through life without their mother. This is something that I'll live with until the grave.

I quickly rolled myself a blunt to smoke out on the porch. The fresh California air hit my bare chest as I stepped out in just a pair of sweats and my robe. It was the middle of June and outside was feeling like a cool summer night. Being from Virginia and moving all the way to Los Angeles was definitely something that I had to adjust to. It's like the streets don't stop out here, people are always on the go. Lighting the blunt up, I took a long pull before I exhaled all the smoke. In the last year so much has happened. I now own five of the biggest car dealerships, Ava is two years old and getting ready for pre-k.

This single parent shit wasn't peaches and cream, but I do what I have to do because I'm all she has. Some days are more frustrating than the next, but I'd go to hell and back for my daughter. I still can't find the right words or things to say whenever Ava asks about her mommy. It's just like, how do you tell a two year old that their mom is dead and their never going to see them again physically? Taking my last pulls from the blunt, I immediately felt my high. A lot of changes were made in my life since the last year.

I cut down on smoking, I didn't have much of a social life. Everything I did now revolved around Ava or work. I kept in touch with friends and family of course. All the guys back in Virginia seem to be doing just fine. Travis and Becky are newly engaged, Dex is still running the traps and keeping things situated, while Jigs, well Jigs is still out here being Jigs. Walking back into my room, I stopped in my tracks seeing Ava's little body spread out in my bed. She held her favorite bunny rabbit while sucking on her thumb. “Another bad dream?" I asked, placing a fresh t-shirt on my bare skin. “Yes daddy." She pouted. I wasn't the only one having bad dreams about London.

For the past three months Ava has been waking up all hours of the night due to having dreams about her mom. “Do you want to tell daddy about this one?" I questioned, positioning her body closer to me, in order to comfort her. “I saw mommy." She spoke in her gentle baby voice as she held her head down. “It's okay princess, tell me what happened."

Picking her head up, I made sure I could see her eyes that looked so much like her mother's, now more than ever. “Mommy said she loves me. And she's sorry." She said grabbing her stuffed bunny tighter.

"That's right princess, mommy does love you." I assured her, brushing her wild hair that was all in my face. “Daddy?" She called out after a small moment of silence. “Yeah?" I answered, biting my lip already knowing what the next question was. There was just no possible way to avoid it. “When's mommy coming back? I miss her." She spoke in her baby voice, again. Lowly sighing, I contemplated on what was the best way to explain this whole situation to her. Ava might only be two years old, but trust, she's very smart and well spoken for her age. “I don't know baby girl, I don't know. But I do know your mommy loves you more than anything in the entire world." I told her placing kisses on her forehead.

"Now, it's time to go night night. I love you." I told her. “I love you too, daddy." She spoke kissing me again on the cheek. I know I will eventually have to tell her the truth once she gets older of course, I was just dreading to have to be the one to tell her something so heartbreaking. I lost my mom and that's a pain I wish I could take away from my own daughter.

I wish I could turn back the clock.