08: Heart In Vain

Ezra’s Point Of View.

I QUICKLY got inside my car and rested my head on the steering wheel while jars of tears kept streaming down my face. But instead of throwing myself in despair, I chose to defeat sadness for the meantime. I chose to brace myself up and leave.

I started the car engine and drove away. Since I didn’t plan anything beforehand, I don’t know where I will go or what I will do now. The only thing in my mind is to get away from here and from those who are trying so hard just to find me.

The weather was fine not a while ago but now, it’s raining cats and dogs. The sky must have been sympathizing with my dejection.

I dialed Kiana’s number because she’s the only one I can think of. I’m thankful she answered the call right away. To this day, my tears still do not stop falling.

“Oh, Ezra! Why did you call?”

I sniffed between my words. “Kiana…”

“Are you crying? Why is your voice hoarse?” she asked worriedly.

“I… I left their house.”

“What?! Why?! Did they kick you out? Tell me!” She sounded angry real quick.

“N-No, I left voluntarily because I assume it’s for the best…”

I sobbed in silence knowing for a fact that it was entirely my fault. It was my personal choice to leave and no one forced me to make such a hasty decision.

“I don’t want to draw them in a tight corner in case Mom finds me, and I’m catching feelings for Hyde…” The last words I said were almost a whisper.

“My goodness! You’re in trouble, Ezra! b Where are you exactly right now? Tell me.”

“But–”

“Worry about yourself first! Now, tell me where you are!” Kiana insisted and I couldn’t do anything but let her know where my location is.

“I’m inside my car. I’m not sure where I am exactly but I think I’m across Main Street.”

“All right, wait for me there. I’ll look for you. Don’t try to do anything stupid. I’ll be there soon.” Then she ended the call.

I breathed heavily as I put my phone away. I felt relieved knowing Kiana is on her way to come and see me after a long time.

I must admit I need someone to talk to and cry on. I need someone to comfort me and that is no other than Kiana. In this world, she is the only one I trust. I don’t even trust my own mother. Not anymore.

***

IT WAS half an hour before Kiana found where I was. She also brought food, and I immediately consumed it since I was hungry, too. She got in my car and hugged me.

I missed my bestfriend so much!

I started crying aloud again on her shoulder. I literally weeped for the nth time today. My eyes are so annoying! They didn’t want to stop shedding tears.

“I missed you, Ezra.” She spoke as we let go of the hug. “I’m not going to ask how you are because I can see, without a doubt, you’re obviously not fine.”

I smiled bitterly. “I don’t know when my life will be quiet and when I will be free, Kiana. I feel like a prisoner. I feel like I’m chained. I can’t live my life freely the way I am supposed to and I feel like my every move is always being watched. I feel like in everything I do, I’m not allowed to fit in with ordinary people, when in fact, I’m nothing but a normal person, too.”

I couldn’t figure out what went through my mind earlier and I suddenly left the boys. But I know for sure I’ve made the right decision, or whatever you call it.

When the flashback of their faces and reactions crossed my mind, especially Hyde’s, it hurt me even more. It hurt me double the times I felt betrayed by my family.

The way Hyde admitted his feelings to me, that was the hardest for me to take. I wanted to tell him how I truly feel for him. I wanted to tell him I like him. I wanted to, but unfortunately, I couldn’t.

“I hate your parents for making you feel like you are not their daughter!” Kiana ranted. “How can they use you as collateral to save their company from bankruptcy?! They went too far!”

Suddenly, I froze in my seat. I turned to look at Kiana, unable to progress the words she said in my head. She covered her mouth in shock as soon as she realized she accidentally spilled something she shouldn’t have told me in the first place.

Bankruptcy?

She immediately looked away to avoid my questioning eyes. “D-Don’t mind the things I said. It’s probably out of anger.”

“Tell me the truth, Kiana,” I said firmly.

She sparingly laughed and because I know the way she bit her nails whenever she’s hiding something, I identified she’s faking it.

“I must be out of my mind for babbling nonsense. I didn’t want to fill your mind with negative thoughts. So, don’t think about it,” she nervously added.

“You know you’re the only person I trust the most, Kiana. You’re an honest person. So, please, tell me everything I must know!” I begged.

She was a bit hesitant at first, but she then nodded later on not because she’s feeling guilty but because she knew I deserve to know the truth.

“We both know your fake engagement and arranged marriage with Raiko is nothing but a scheme for the merging of the Tan company and your family’s, but you wouldn’t believe the real reason behind it,” she started. “I overheard my Mom and your Mom’s conversation the day after you ran away because Auntie visited the house. Auntie said Medina Enterprise is going bankrupt and the only way to save the company is to set up an arranged marriage for you and Raiko. I found out that your parents borrowed a huge amount of money from the Tan’s, and since Raiko likes you, he asked his parents to offer your Mom an easier way on how to pay back their loan, it is to engage you two and arrange you a marriage with Raiko. Your Mom immediately agreed to the deal, and said she doesn’t want all her efforts for the company to go to waste. She literally didn’t have second thoughts to accept the offer knowing your entire life will depend on it. She used you to pay the loan she owed them.”

I was devastated after hearing everything she disclosed to me. Mom has a loan to the Tan family yet she used me as her payment by agreeing to marry me with Raiko? She did all of that just to save her skin and revive the company? Is her company more important than me? How dare she! I can never forgive her for sacrificing me!

I hate her so much! They say mother knows best but I disagree! This fixed marriage isn’t the best for me and it will never be, it is best for the company — for her company because it gives her money, power, and everything.

How I wish we were poor, so she won’t have to be this selfish and greedy.

***

When I cooled myself down, I shared with Kiana the actual reason why I decided to leave the seven bad boys’ house. I can feel her pity for what happened to me.

If only no one was looking for me and forcing me for an arranged marriage, I wouldn’t have to leave the seven. I wouldn’t have to hurt them and Clarence wouldn’t have to get mad at me. But then, I realized if nothing had happened, I wouldn’t have met them. That’s why, after all, I still have a purpose to be grateful for the life given to me because I’ve got to know them and I had the chance to be a part of their memories.

I’m not asking for anything, but I wished I could have fulfilled my promise to them, especially to Hyde, at least.

“It’s undeniable you’re hurting, Ezra. I can see it clearly in your eyes. Maybe I don’t feel like it because I’m not in your situation but I know how hard it is for you to leave them. I know they also loved you even in that short time,” said Kiana.

“I wanted to stay yet I chose to leave because it is the only best option I have. Why do I need to sacrifice every time for the people I love?” I sobbed. “I want to be happy, too…”

It makes me think sometimes. Is this pain actually worth it? Is sacrificing and wasting tears worth it? Is leaving them and killing my happiness worth it?

Will it be worth it eventually?

“It’s because sacrifice is always a part of love. You have to endure every ounce of pain for your loved ones. You rather take all the suffering in silence because you can’t bear seeing the people you love hurting.”

Reality hits me with her precise and plainspoken words. I bawled on my knees and shed the remaining tears I had until there was nothing left.

Honestly, I don’t want to cry anymore. It’s wearing me out. I feel like I haven’t slept for a few days, so I feel drowsy. The feeling that even when you’re not doing anything tiring, you still feel tired because your emotions are swallowing you.

Unbeknownst to me, I had fallen asleep in the middle of crying. I just woke up when darkness was already occupying the sky.

Kiana and I were still in the car and she was just scrolling on her cell phone but when she noticed I was moving, she immediately turned to me.

“I’m sorry, I fell asleep,” I apologized. “What time is it? You must be home by now.”

“No, it’s okay. Besides, I have called Mom and told her I’ll be home late tonight, and at least you were able to rest somehow.”

I forced a smile. I feel a little bit well now because she’s here by my side — to listen to me without any judgement. We’ve known each other for a long time. She’s really like a real sister to me. I will always be thankful to have a best friend like her.

“Thank you so much, Kiana,” I sincerely uttered, tearing up because I deeply appreciate her in every little thing she has done for me.

“For what?”

“For always being here, taking my side and joining me in life’s series of problems and waves,” I answered. “You have seen my flaws and imperfections yet you still love me as your best friend. You helped me escape even though you’re aware that you might be put in danger as well. I consider you as my sister even though we’re not blood-related. You’re better than my own family.”

“Of course, I can risk it all. That’s what friends are for.” She smiled at me. “You’re my best friend, Ezra. Since we were in grade school. You know that, you’re the only best friend I have. At times I had no friends to talk to and lean on, you were there. You were the only one who came to me and befriended me. I was a loner, but not until we became best friends. You also helped me before, that’s why I’m returning back the kindness you have shown me.”

She started crying like a baby. In the two of us, she’s always the emotional one. I often show my fearless and badass side, while Kiana is not afraid to express herself.

When she’s mad, she will show she’s angry. When she’s happy, she will laugh out loud and flash a smile throughout the day. When she’s scared, she will exaggerate things. When she’s sad, she will burst into tears as if there’s no tomorrow. She’s verbal and expressive in conveying her thoughts and feelings, and that’s the reason why I envy her sometimes, but not in a bad way, though. I envy her confidence and bravery to be true to herself. Because I, all this time, was only pretending to be strong.

“I don’t care if Auntie will punish me by helping you on leaving the house or by hiding you somewhere else. She can’t blame me, your decision was right. She shouldn’t force you into something you don’t want. You’re a lady now, not a dependent princess needing a guardian to protect her. You know what’s right and wrong. You have your own knowledge to make the decision you know is best for you,” she added. “I’m so proud of you, Ezra. You’ve matured and grown. Even though you’re hurting, you still sacrificed and validated the feelings of people around you. You put other’s happiness as your first priority over your own and that’s why I admire you. You are the strongest in the times you think you’re not. I hope you don’t lose your shine. I wished and I still wish for your happiness, because you deserve it.”

“Enough of this drama! I don’t want us to cry anymore!” I complained and hugged her. She wiped her tears and chuckled.

Hot tears streamed down my face, and I squeezed my eyelids shut in the hope my tears would stop but it still didn’t work.

Damn these teary eyes!

“By the way, I have reserved a hotel for you near here. You stay there temporarily. At least I can visit you here whenever I have free time. Another thing, the hotel here is private and hidden so the place is not easy to be tracked,” she changed the subject after.

“What if Mom’s agents follow you? You will be involved in this, too, Kiana. I don’t want anyone to get hurt because of me. You know that.”

“No, don’t worry, I will be extra careful. Besides, I will be more complacent when I know where you are.”

I responded with a nod. I will not win with this woman, and I agree with her plan as well. At least she will know my situation and so will I. We will also meet more often.

Somehow, my breathing became looser than before, but I still couldn’t help but feel my heart rending.

I feel really sorry for the seven bad boys I left behind. They don’t deserve someone like me as their friend. I completely understand if they would resent me. I promised not to leave them yet I still did. I broke my promise and didn’t keep my word.

Maybe this was the biggest mistake I have made in my life, but I don’t want to regret it at all. I’m willing to sacrifice for them, for the better and for their safety. If it’s for the seven bad boys, I will never stop doing the same thing and making the same decision.

I just hope all my sacrifices will be worth it in the end…