Chapter 5 - She won't be single forever

Emily gazed at herself in the mirror for the nth time, feeling even more insecure with all that skin that was exposed. Why did she even accept to buy and wear that dress?

Oh, right, because it had been Riley to suggest it, and how could she say no? Well, she hadn't been able to say anything at all, her thumping heart hadn't allowed her, because he'd been too close, too intimate, too ... everything.

That day at the fair, while Vanessa had gone on trying dress after dress, never getting to a decision neither to having Emily try on any of them, Riley had disappeared amongst the stacks of clothes, only to be back with a knee-length red cocktail dress, sleeveless, criss-cross V-neck. The one she was wearing right now.

Riley had given her one of his charming smiles as he'd inched the dress in her hands, suggesting her to try it, she'd been reluctant, not wanting to look horrible in his eyes, but he'd insisted, and because she'd never budged, mostly because she feared his opinion for once, other than seek it, he'd just grabbed her hand and guided her to stand in front of a mirror. Her heart had never quit thumping as he'd stood behind her, his lips unwillingly or not brushing her earlobe as his husky voice had insisted: "I think it's perfect for you. Why don't you try it?"

Even while finding it hard to breathe, with him so close and in such a different way from the usual, Emily had tried to argue about everything: it wasn't her color, it was too short, too elegant, too much only for a simple party ... never naming the one main reason: it wouldn't fit her. No dress ever did.

And it'd look horrible on her, like everything, she just wasn't made for dresses nor anything that went beyond baggy and sportive, and even that, Vanessa could pull off a model-like figure even while wearing only tights, while she could barely afford sweats bottoms, not to mention how pale bright colors made her look. She was a mess, a complete and utter mess, that was all.

But Riley hadn't budged. "Just look at yourself in the mirror for a moment, will you?" He'd asked so gently that it was impossible not to comply, so she had, but only for a second, she'd barely looked at it, then had pretended she didn't like it.

Riley hadn't let her win, though, he'd remained there behind her, his body pressed against hers making her feel very weird and very wrong emotions, even if it was innocent, and he'd cooed in her ear: "I think you'd look stunning with this on."

Emily had blushed profusely, more at his tone than at his words. He'd sounded so different from the usual. Years ago he'd have jokingly pushed her to try, he'd have never sounded so ... well, she didn't even know what. She'd felt her heart racing like a fool while Riley stood behind her, his unfaltering smile melting her to a puddle as she stared at him through the mirror.

"Just try it on." Riley had insisted softly, and maybe it had been the mix of feelings and anxiety, but she had let those words tumble out, even if only for him to hear: "I-It'll never fit me ..."

She would have sworn Riley's countenance had molded into concern and frustration for a moment, but he'd only let out a tiny sigh and pressed his cheek against hers while assuring her softly: "It will. Trust me. Just try it on."

There was so much underling in his tone. From concern to hope, to even guilt, and she'd felt horrible at the idea of having disappointed him. It'd felt as horrible as it had been to look into her mother's eyes and say she had to quit volleyball because of that injury.

Her mom had never pressured her in any way, Emily had started playing of her own will, all that Sybil had done was support her daughter at every single match, just like Riley and grudgingly Jason had. Even her dad had come to almost all of her matches. It had seemed like with one very simple act she'd let them all down and she couldn't stand it.

That time she'd found herself relieved at the thought of Riley not being there to acknowledge the fact. He'd been her most fervent fan, just as much as her mom, so she'd been relieved that she wouldn't have to look him in the eye when he got to know.

But now this ... it'd felt like she'd lost something in his eyes, as if only admitting she had fears had undermined the idea he had of her. The last thing she'd ever want was to disappoint him or to lose the good opinion he had of her, therefore Emily had very lightly nodded and grabbed the dress, letting a shaky sigh out only once she'd been in the booth, far from his eyes.

The rest had been a hallucination. Because when she'd come out of that booth she'd met eyes that didn't belong to a brother. The way those forest green eyes had raked through her body had almost made her gulp and brace herself to hide all those imperfections he was certainly noting. No, there had been nothing brotherly in the way Riley had checked her out from tip to toe for a long, long minute, until he'd quirked his lips into a satisfied smile and, meeting her dull brown eyes, he'd breathed out a very simple "gorgeous" that had been spinning in her mind all week since Sunday.

What did he mean with that? She'd tried to picture Jason in that same situation, but ... well, no, he'd have never looked at her like that, he'd have barely glanced at her, bored, then waved off his hand in dismissal-well, Jason wasn't a great example. After all, Riley was the complete opposite to him.

So Emily had tried to observe how he looked at Vanessa when she tried dress after dress and ... maybe it was only hope or disillusion, but while he'd clearly appreciated, all he'd ever done was judge the dress and how it looked on her. Nothing more than that.

Even that same word hadn't rolled off his tongue, he hadn't called Vanessa "gorgeous" with that dreamy tone, he'd only commented on how each dress fitted her or not. In a word, to Vanessa, he'd given the male opinion he'd been asked for, but to her ... Emily had tried to unravel the mess, considering every possible chance, but in the end, the response was very simple: either she'd hallucinated or Riley didn't think of her as a little sister anymore.

Emily glanced at her nightstand, where the napkin from the diner they'd stopped at to eat something was. She'd kept it for a whole week, always wondering if she should do what was written on it or not. What Riley had written on it.

That Sunday, Vanessa had left them alone at their table for a few minutes, to go to the restroom, and in those few minutes Riley had inquired on the reasons why was Emily so gloomy, directly, without preambles, but she hadn't budged, shielding herself with being tired, which he hadn't believed.

Out of the blue he'd grabbed her hand and slipped a folded napkin in it, asking her to read it when she felt sad. She'd read that napkin every night before falling asleep. She'd read it so many times per day that she knew the lines by heart now, but she hadn't dared pick up the phone, she'd even done her best not to remain alone with Riley, against her every wish.

Those words he'd scribbled on that napkin were very simple, but held a huge meaning Emily didn't want to face, neither did she want to pain him with her troubles. She'd already disappointed him, she couldn't keep going.

Still barefooted, Emily walked up to her nightstand and grabbed the napkin, which had been saved from her mother's cleaning up only because she'd tucked it inside the book she was currently reading, as a bookmark. Reading every single word possibly for the thousandth time didn't relent the emotions. It was always just as intense:

I left a peaceful but smiling barely teen four years ago. Now I find a gloomy, insecure quasi woman. I don't know what happened in between, but I'm here to fix it. Whenever you feel sad and lonely, remember this, Emily: you've got me. As it always has been and never will change. I am always here for you, Honeybee. Call me whenever you need. To me, no one and nothing has ever been nor will ever be more important than you. – Riley

Not new, but it felt so different. And the last part ... to me, no one and nothing has ever been nor will ever be more important than you. It felt so much like a promise. A huge promise. Of what kind, she wasn't sure she wanted to know. Sighing, Emily tucked the napkin inside the book again. She'd saved the number written at the bottom of it in her contacts, but she'd never dared dial it neither send a text.

She'd very much wished to do so, though. Just as much as she'd wished she'd had the nerve to grab Riley's hand when he was at her place, take him outside, far from indiscreet eyes and ears, and ... tell him. Tell him everything that tormented her, that had been tormenting her since years and she'd never voiced.

She'd lost more than volleyball. She'd lost her lights, the only two lights that guided her life. Then the rest had followed. Loneliness, insecurities, self doubts had started chewing her up. Each step felt like an unforgiving descent into the darkest abyss, and Emily had no idea how to get back up.

However, while volleyball was one huge wall sustaining her that had fallen down, maybe ... it might have been less hard if ... no, it wasn't his fault. She couldn't blame it all on him for leaving. Riley had his life, she certainly couldn't expect him to stay there with her forever.

It wasn't Sandra's fault if she was so boring to be around. It wasn't Riley's fault for choosing to leave. It wasn't anybody's fault. It was just her. Just her with her worthlessness. She wasn't worth being around, she wasn't useful, wasn't even interesting.

She wasn't as beautiful and cheerful as Vanessa. She wasn't as clever as Jason or Riley. She had nothing that was worth it. She was only a mess of tangled up thoughts she couldn't control. No wonder Sandra and the other girls didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore. It was actually a surprise that Vanessa picked her over the Queen Bee and her minions.

Then again, they'd soon take separate routes, she was well aware. Vanessa would leave to find someone that better suited her bubbly personality. Actually, it was a wonder she hadn't abandoned her yet.

After all, everybody had. Her family was still there only because they ought to be, not because ... ugh, how stupid and arrogant she was. Of course her family cared for her. Of course her parents loved her. And even Jason in his own way loved her.

Her family was there. But as for the rest? Whoever she'd love might get tired of her, because she wasn't interesting. She was brooding, melancholic, even cold, because she never showed her emotions, she'd never once, never, said anything affectionate to anyone. The most she'd ever forced herself to say was two I miss yous to Riley. That was all.

The words I care for you or even I love you had never left her lips. Because they were a sign of weakness, and she couldn't let herself be weak, because it would hurt. And she needed to protect herself.

If she let herself care, then being abandoned would hurt only worse. Her heart would ache as much as ... as much as it did when Riley left.

Riley. He'd been the first to leave her. He'd been the first to break her heart even without knowing, what told her everybody else wouldn't do the same? She didn't blame him for leaving, she knew, was aware that he had every right to live his own life, but ... the thought had crossed her mind, maybe he'd left because he needed to be far from her.

Maybe she'd occupied his life, leaving no space for anything else. Maybe he'd left because he needed to live without her, without the constant reminder of her needing him close. Maybe she'd been a burden, ball and chain, that's why he'd left.

If even Riley had reached that point, why wouldn't anyone else? After all, there were billions of people in the world, billions of people much more valuable than her. Prettier, funnier, cleverer, more interesting. In a word, worth the effort.

But she? Nah. She wasn't. Her being so fat was only the tip of the iceberg. There were so many other things that people couldn't like about her. So, so many.

Now, how could she tell Riley such things? He'd be so disappointed in her. Especially if he came to know what she'd put herself through ... it was something Vanessa had sworn not to mention while making Emily swear to quit. It was something embarrassing and mortifying, to say the least.

If Riley came to know about it ... he'd be so disappointed in her, he'd look at her differently, possibly, he would even feel guilty, and she didn't want that. The last thing she'd ever want was to hurt him in any way.

Emily closed her eyes as she plopped back on her bed, uncaring of the possible wrinkles to her dress. She cared for Riley. He was, if possible, the most important person in her world. Possibly, not even her own parents and brother could measure up to that, even if she did love them in silence, without ever telling. And she loved Riley.

But in what way? Was it the same love she felt for Jason? Or was it the same kind of love Juliet felt for her Romeo? That was the biggest question, but it wouldn't have an answer, better said, it shouldn't have an answer.

Because it would bring to nothing good. Especially because, and that was a matter of fact, Riley would leave again in two weeks. For Boston only, yes, but he'd leave. Boston was only four hours away from the town, but it felt like eternity.

Emily heaved a sigh as she brought a hand to her heart, to calm down that unbearable ache, the burning that didn't give her one chance of relief.

Again. This again. No, she couldn't allow herself to take it further. She couldn't keep on dwelling in such dangerous feelings. A single tear escaped her eyes, and she bit her lips to bite back the sob that wanted to erupt. Her heart had weakened, believing she could have again the same bond with Riley was pure utopia. It was different. Many things had changed, too many things.

Riley lit up her life. But that light was bound to fade. And then what? She needed to sort out her feelings before anything else. She needed to get out of her system every single wrong emotion. But how?

Certainly seeing Riley didn't help, but not seeing him would only be worse. Then what? Dating? Well, that was as much utopia as considering her and Riley an item was. No fool would ever consider her in that sense. As for Dean ... well, he was probably just confused.

Emily only had the time to heave a big sigh that a knock on her door disrupted her thoughts. As she was used to do, she closed her eyes and counted up to three, then, wiping away a couple of tears, she took a deep breath and responded calmly: "Yes?"

The door cracked open, and a pair of big grey eyes met her browns, which was followed by a shy smile she'd come to get acquainted with since four years. "H-hey, Em ... uh ... your mom said you were here and ... uh ..." Dean grazed the back of his neck nervously, messing his honey blonde hair that resembled his twin sister's. Even the eyes were the same, with the only difference that his were slightly darker.

Emily managed to give him a small smile and nod as she invited him in. He hesitated a little, but then complied, though remaining close to the door, as if he wanted to flee any minute. He wore a pair of black jeans with a dark blue dress-shirt and even a black jacket and black tie. He looked look cuter than usual, Emily couldn't help thinking. Dean was a handsome boy, pretty obvious, after all, his sister was nothing but gorgeous and they were twins. Emily was pretty sure he had some girls that wanted him, he was just too shy.

"Uh ... are you ready?" He asked, always nervous. He'd always be like that with her, he was shy in general, but with her it was even worse.

She gave him another small smile-nod that had his ears tinge pink as he asked if she wanted a few more minutes. "I just need my shoes. Then we can go." Heading to her mother's party, of course. "Didn't we agree to meet there?" Emily asked, curious, as she fetched the silver sandals her friend had picked for her, which were luckily flat.

Dean nodded warily, grazing the back of his neck as he cleared his throat, explaining: "Uh ... yeah, but ... Nessa kinda forced me to get out first and ... she said you ... uh ... wouldn't mind me picking you up and going together, so ... does it bother you? I thought she was right, but maybe no ... it's alright, I'll just-"

"It's fine, Dean. Don't worry." Truly. The one person that was shier than her.

He let out a shaky laugh, fearing he'd made a fool of himself, so Emily offered him one more genuine smile that, she didn't know, had his heart race like a fool. Ah, he liked her. He more than liked her. She was so amazing. It had been years, she'd captured him since his eyes first landed on her when his sister introduced them, but he never had the courage to tell her. Every attempt Vanessa had made at leaving them alone was useless, he'd spoiled them all, but he wouldn't spoil this one.

He'd use this party as an excuse to be closer. He dreaded it, but he needed, if not to tell her, to ask her out at least. Do something. Do something before she slips away, his sister had warned him. Get that head out of your dumb ass and do something, for God's sakes. She won't be single forever. He needed to take action. And maybe the party was the best moment.

But she made him so nervous. Every word got stuck in his throat every time she looked at her. So gorgeous. So breathtaking. So unique. He was a real disaster with girls, his friends often taunted him, his only luck were his good looks, so that girls were more pushed to approach him if he didn't. That's the only reason why you're not still virgin. His best friend often joked. But if with girls he was a disaster, with Emily it was even worse, because she had his heart race every time and he couldn't manage. Tonight would be different, though. Tonight he would be a real man.

"Let's go then." Emily announced once ready, standing in front of him.

Dean's throat dried as he took in the whole result. A real man, huh? A real man that didn't have the courage to even only compliment this gorgeous girl standing there, just as nervous as he was. Man up, Dean. Man up. He cleared his throat, looking anywhere but at her. "Um ... before we go, um ... may I ask you something, Em?"

She blinked her eyes, surprised, but nodded. Dean took a few steps closer, his heart thumping loudly, till he stood only a few inches away from her, their breaths almost mingling, which only made him more nervous. He reached for her cheek nevertheless, making her flinch, but she didn't pull back ... a good sign?

Dean forced himself to look straight into her eyes as he asked: "Em, m-may I ... may I kiss you?"

Her eyes widened, her heart starting to race, even if not in the same way as it did when it came to Riley. Did she hear it right? Dean wanted to kiss her? Why?

She felt his calloused hand on her cheek that was most probably as red as a tomato, she read the anxiety in his big grey eyes and she noticed his chest rising and falling at the rhythm of his heavy breaths. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad. She was 18 and had never kissed anyone.

Emily took a deep breath and nodded lightly, which had Dean suck in a breath, and only by forcing himself did he found the nerve to come nearer and close the gap between them. He was taller than her by an inch or two, but it was enough for her to have to tilt her chin up. She had no idea how to do it, but she trusted in his experience.

Dean took a deep breath, and leaned in, his lips almost hovering over hers, and even while breathing heavily, he came to almost graze them ... before the door swung open.

Emily pulled back abruptly, feeling her heart thumping, as if she'd been about to do something really, really wrong.

At the door, hand still on the knob, a frowning Riley that, if he had to be honest, wasn't at all displeased to have played killjoy. "Did I interrupt something?" He asked nonchalantly, seizing Dean with careful eye.

"N-No, no! Nothing!" Emily responded quickly, as if she were worried about his reaction.

Dean looked in between them, then straight at Riley. She won't be single forever, Vanessa had warned. Possibly because she knew ... a new rival had entered the game, and, Dean was sure, winning her heart now could become near impossible. But he'd try. He had to. He wouldn't go down without a fight, not this time.