10

ATHARV'S POV

I swallowed the urge to feel the physical pain till my emotions went numb. Just something strong enough to erase this suffocating catacombs of my own feeling. I pressed my eyes shut and tried to take deep breaths but nothing happened, nothing. No calm invaded in me, just like always.

That's it. I can't take it anymore.

" I-I..wish cancer had killed me." Vanya's soft voice echoed into my ear making my eyes snap in her direction.

Her face was soaked with her own tears of vulnerability. She had pressed her eyes shut and fingers clutched near her heart. But this time I didn't felt her pain, maybe because I was already drowned in my demons. I just needed something to stop the intolerable feeling building up in me, something strong yet peaceful like the feel of blood dripping out through my skin but I know I couldn't. I couldn't because I had promised Vanya.

My fingers itched to hold on to something which will never let me go, my lips craved for peace, my body fought for snuggling into something deeper to ease my demons which were ready to jump out of my bones.

One look into Vanya's eye which was enough for me to give the hope that my demons can calm without hurting my flesh. I don't know, what my heart was planning but in a matter of seconds, I pulled her fragile body against mine. The warmth radiating from her made me to wrap my arms around her as if I was getting dependent on her. She tried to wriggle out of my hold but my selfish reasons were not allowing me to let her go. At that moment I wanted.. no..I needed nothing more then her. I needed all of her. Her soul, her body, her heart, everything strong enough to make me forget about my suffocating pain.

"P-Please..I need you, Vanya." I mumbled in the crook of her neck, my lips brushing against her tenderly soft skin.

" T-This is wrong." She shuttered, clenching my back in between her tiny fingers.

Wrong? If having the urge to forget myself by being inside her was wrong then I don't ever want to do right.

"P-Please.." I reluctantly pulled myself away from her and cupped her face.

"Just for once."

I creased the corner of her lips with my thumb. She looked into my eyes like she was finding a way through my soul. Her gaze too strong to withheld a contact that I thought of bending my head low in shame. She was hurt. I had hurt her by asking her to do something only because I wanted to be selfish. B-But I need her. If it will be not her then maybe the cuts on my skin.

She closed her eyes shut then nodded. My mind told me to stop but after ignoring anything, I pressed my lips on her and the second I did, my nerves flooded with a strange ecstatic feel. The salty taste of her tears itched on my taste bud but deep down I realized that now there was no going back. I will become selfish to ease my wounds even if it means hurting her. I-I just..Fuck with all these debates, I am going to have her to stop this inner suffocation.

I moved my lips over her in rather harsh pace till the metallic taste of her blood came to my mouth. But it didn't gave me enough strength to stop instead I pushed her on the bed, hovering above her.

She had her eyes closed but still her face was mixed with pain and satisfaction. I inhaled a deep breath then tore apart the yellow summer dress she had wore. The dress was way too bright to my liking. After all a fucked up boy like me can never be out of darkness when the source of his only light was long gone.

Her pale skin came under the contact of my cold fingers which brought nothing but comfort and an excitement to feel something more and more strong till my body went numb.

I removed the clothes from my body and without giving a second thought, I thrust into her. A pure peace enveloped my sense when I was deep into her. Pressing my eyes shut, I continued with the rough pace while gripping onto her waist.

This was all how I've had thought. I've got numbness through the excitement of being close to her naked body. She was a distraction from my pain and one thing which I was sure about was that, she was residing inside me like drug. This girl was the drug to betray my demons.

" S-Stop please.. It's h-hurting." She whimpered, silently letting her tears escape from her closed eyes. She had her fist clenched on the bedsheet.

I blinked, breaking the chains of my thought. " Vanya? Shit. I am sorry." I quickly pulled myself away from her and that's when my eyes fell on the red patches of blood lying on the bedsheet.

My eye widened in shock and all I could feel at that moment was nothing but disgust towards me. I-I..had taken her innocence? Guilt consumed in me with such an intensity that everything stilled for a minute. She must be in pain when I did it. How came it went unnoticed by me?

Now she'll hate me, wouldn't she? No..No. I will not be able to afford her hatred. I need her, more then anyone else. After Aroma, she's my only lifeline. I will not let her hate me, even if that means, begging in front of her.

" P-Please, don't hate me. The last thing which I ever want will be your hatred. I am sorry... I shouldn't have taken advantage of you but believe me, at that moment only you seemed like my last hope. I-I wanted to hurt myself but look I ended up by hurting you. Forgive me, Vanya. I..Sorry."

I rested my arms on her stomach and with my thumb creased her skin but didn't found enough guts to look into her eyes.

My nerves heated up in anticipation. What if she'll never forgive me? There was that sudden storm swirling around my heart for holding her, forever and never let her go.

Is this only friendship or my selfishness to keep her my myself to keep my mind sane?

I ignored that question as the answer was always the latter one. I know already that I am becoming selfish but I couldn't help it. Everybody needs something to heal their pain and maybe Vanya was my personal heal.

" Sex with you was something I too needed for removing my darkness and stepping into paradise." She spoke bluntly in a hollow voice.

Her words were smooth to my itching nerves but still the guilt was overwhelming.

" I am sorry."

" You don't have to." She smiled a little then snaked her arms around my neck and pulled me closer to her.

Being unable to react in any way, I simply placed my head on her chest, listening to her melodic beating which soon started acting like a lullaby. Her divine scent fogged through the passage of my smelling ability and the heat evolving from her body acted like a blanket to cover up my pain. And then sleep started knocking over my eyes and simply a carefree smile touched the corner of my lips. Yes, I was oblivious to the reason behind that smile but maybe possibly it was only because I was finally feeling the peace.

After this, one thing I was definitely sure that for me Vanya was like that tune which had struck in my mind and even though I will try to remove her from my mind, I'll always be pulled towards her.