[05A] - Always forward

I wasn't sure what to do. The Mediterranean was not the worst of seas, but still ... I didn't feel safe doing it. I looked at the backpack on the floor of the boat. It was risky, I didn't want to be the last person on Earth and die adrift at sea.

I closed my eyes hoping for some enlightenment, if the monks could do it, it was worth a try.

If you stand still, you will certainly not get anywhere.

- This is called meditation. What do you suggest I do?

Go ahead. Cross the sea, it will not be so difficult, the ancients used to make boats much worse. Besides, you never know what you might find on the way.

- Why do you speak as if you know something?

Maybe I know ... Hayden said in his most mysterious voice. In that whisper I felt his hot breath on my neck, a shiver running down my spine. My delusions were getting worse.

I got up motivated and started to search for the boat. I chose a small yacht, as I would venture on an old sailboat at the mercy of nature and much more work.

I went down to where the two bedrooms and the small kitchen were. Everything was well organized and clean. A few things were covered with sea salt. In one of the rooms, I found stars that glowed in the dark stuck to the ceiling. On the counter beside an old DS next to the iron man lamp. It was a child's room with an oversized bed. I wondered what his end would have been.

I checked the drawers and looked in pockets of clothes. I lay on the floor looking under the furniture and searched every crack. At nightfall, I found myself on the floor, plunged into a sea of ​​clothes on the back, exhausted with my headphones at full volume.

- Did not work. What is the next step?

What are you talking about? It worked! How can you not understand?

- What are you talking about?

You said yourself that the answer is in front of you. See it.

- More puzzles ... You are completely innu–

Before I had a chance to complain to my imaginary friend, I understood what he was talking about. Hayden was one step ahead because he had access to my subconscious and, I must admit, it was my best part.

I got up without taking my eyes off the tip of the biggest star that came off the ceiling. Failures in that pseudo-perfect world were always indicative.

I climbed on the too-soft bed with a fear of falling (not that it was a big fall).

Do not worry. I won't let you fall. Hayden made me safe, almost as if he were holding me.

I reached out as far as I could, but it took a little jump to reach and pull the star.

I smiled as I looked at what was written on the back in childish handwriting. There was no card, but something even better: "Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning.", Second star on the right and then straight, until dawn ... I was sure that whoever was texting me was not the author of that sentence did not have that style or that same sweetness. The author of this message was a child who still believed in the impossible, I used to be a child who believed in the impossible.

Then something caught my attention. I stretched again by placing my hand inside the ceiling lamp. I felt a relief from the damn cards ... Yay ... one more. I removed my hand leaving the card inside. For that day my note left by the little boy was enough, I didn't want anything to ruin that.

I lay on the bed sinking in the middle of it, I was golden curls in the mother bear's bed. Sleep gradually took me, letting me sink into a sea of ​​troubled dreams.

I was back in that endless, dead-end darkness. I ran around seeing a few feelings in front of me for fear of encountering a scary monster. Despair grew as I picked up speed and then a thump. I crashed into a large mirror that didn't reflect me. It could have been just a glass, but I knew it wasn't because I saw the mist that passed my feet reflected from the other side.

I touched the mirror trying to understand why I was not in it. A whisper reached my ears with icy air. I looked to the side to see that someone inside was coming towards me.

- Hayden? - I said seeing a tall boy with black hair approaching me.

He had a smile that was completed with the pair of eyes in a shade of blue that he didn't know was real.

- Sorry to put you through this. I don't have much time - he touched the place where my hand touched the mirror. I felt a chill, a strangely familiar sensation - Go ahead, but forget me, let Hayden get lost in the ocean. You–

Before I could say anything else, the dream changed. I was in front of the cellar door, I was a 12-year-old girl again. I heard the desperate screams and the knock against the door. I didn't move. The sound of firemen breaking into the front door did not make me come out of the trance. One of them put me on his lap and took me outside, an ax hitting the metal door trying to break it open. The house was not on fire, just full of smoke, the basement on the other hand.

I woke up coughing. I sat on the bed with my heart pounding and my nose burning. Everything seemed so real ... I took a deep breath looking out the window, the sky was already clearing, but the sun has not yet crossed the horizon. I sat looking at the lamp, I didn't want to, but I needed to get the damn card and get on with my life. I stood on the bed and stretched again. Hayden read:

"You want everything to go back to normal,

but he never understood the normal.

Want to come home,

but he doesn't remember what this place is.

Organize to find chaos.

Remember that a world understood is a world without questions. "

- Great! More puzzles! Because?!?!?

In an enraged movement, I stepped on the wrong foot and went towards the ground. I was able to anticipate the pain that would come next. It was supposed to be a small tumble painful enough to regret it, but I never fell. I was pushed back onto the bed.

- I said I wouldn't let you fall.

My eyes widened like never before. I touched my back where Hayden's invisible hands touched me. Five fingers, the pressure against my skin. Everything so real ...

It was possible? No no no! A delusion would have dropped me, a delusion cannot touch me. What was happening?

- How did you do it? Are you ... a ghost? - I said regretting at the same moment.

- Ghost? Same? Did we get to that point? - he suppressed my stupid comment - I am you, a part of you.

- I know you're me, but how could I have done that?

- I don't know, but you don't need to thank me for helping. - Her tone of false irritation tried to relax me.

- Thank you, just ... It doesn't make sense ...

I sat on the firm and secure floor, picked up the iPod by putting on the headphones and pressing play. I was shaking while Ekki Múkk from Sigur Rós played again. Thank you for not understanding the lyrics, it was exactly what I needed.

"... A world understood is a world without questions." The words invaded my thoughts. Too many questions ...

1. Why me? Where were they all?

2. Why does everything still work?

3. Do the cards have a meaning?

4. Or was I looking for answers in the wrong place?

5. Was I so desperate for some sense in this madness that I was imagining things?

6. When would this torture end?

7. Who was behind it all?

8. Why did Hayden look more and more real?

9. Why did the Hayden of my dreams want me to forget about him?

10. Was I going crazy? IM crazy?

11. Should I stop enumerating my questions?

"Organize to find chaos ..."

Was that what he was talking about? What was he talking about? Why did I keep referring to the person behind it as him? Or as a person?

"You have a message." Hayden's voice sounded distant as if it came from the other room.

I ran and picked up the phone on the counter.

Me: Hi :)

Hayden: Hi;)

He was online! I jumped up and pulled out the chair to sit down.

Me: where are you? How can I find you?

Hayden: Go ahead, you're on the right track.

- He's right.

- Shut up.

Me: How do you know so much? - I typed fast and angry - Are you responsible for all this? Or was it forgotten like me? Who are you?

Hayden: I'm just like you, but I wasn't forgotten because you weren't either. I am not responsible for this, I am responsible for the solution. Just don't bring me the reality.

Before I could type anything back, he escaped me. Hayden was offline again.

- Dammit dammit dammit! - I threw the phone out of the boat.

It was the second cell phone in less than 24 hours, I needed to control my tantrums. Rage. The word hit me again. I was never as angry as I was in those recent times. I had become a pool of anger, doubt, sadness, and madness. Something needed to change.

- Hasn't he meant you? Or do not bring me the reality?

- He's kidding me. He wants me to play this game, but I'm not going to do that - the certainty in my own voice surprised me - Let's move on, but we won't go to him. - that part surprised me even more - Let's go to the beach a new beach, let's forget all that. I hate it all! - I shouted with such hatred that my voice failed in the end.

- But as for what he said, the clue on the ceiling. It means something.

- Of course, it means, but I have no idea what it is. Theoretically, you know, or the other you, which means everything is in the darkest depths of my brain.

- How did we get that out of there?

- Sun, coconut water, the sound of the sea ... A good time of meditation ...

I went up to the joystick and started the engines without letting daydreams of the other Hayden enter my mind. I wouldn't listen to someone who was clearly as crazy as I am. Solitude must have hit him harder. I connected the iPod to the sound system. Caribbean Blue played making the moment a little surreal. I felt like part of a movie. The sun rising, the music properly is chosen, and the endless sea landscape. A desperate tear escaped me, but I kept the feeling from taking over. I wiped away the heavy tear that took with me the last hope I had that everything would be back to normal, that I would wake up from that nightmare. The text was right. I never understood what was normal, why then hope to return to it? I needed to accept loneliness, embrace my madness, and live it. It was too tiring to fight anyone. It was tiring to fight against myself.