[04] - The Queen of ... a World without Subjects

65 days.

65 days passed and I was already bored. In the beginning, everything was fine, there is nothing to complain about the whole world at my disposal.

I attended private screenings and performed plays for the wind. I slept in the best hotel rooms, had exclusive parties, destroyed a car with a bat, then exploded it, also broke dishes in a furniture store after spending the night there (yes, it was a little creepy). I read books I never would have read, I danced with Hayden in the middle of the library with the loudest sound we could handle. I went to the zoo and entered the empty cages (also creepy and horrible). I dived into pools until my fingers were wrinkled. I bought very expensive works of art with my imaginary money, I won at War for the first time (Hayden was not very good). I rolled over on the ground covered by the first snowflakes and ate too much candy from the candy stores. I observed the night sky in isolated parts of each country, and I admired the dark ocean. Hayden had made jokes and I laughed.

With each song that passed, I felt his presence closer to me. Even though it sounded like a complete delusion, it was what kept me trapped in reality.

65 days. He said in my mind. We can try another continent, a change of atmosphere can bring new perspectives.

I looked at the pier with the small sailboats tide on. It seemed like a bad idea. I haven't sailed in years. I didn't even remember the last time I visited the little boat my mother left me on the pier near my house (it had probably sank a few years ago).

The wind blew strong, tossed my hair up while a storm was forming in the sky. That was not a good day to start trying.

You can do it, not today, but you can do it. Hayden said with encouragement. After all ... the worst that can happen is that you finally end up like the human race.

“Thank you, it was exactly what I needed to hear!”

Crossing the ocean for so many days sounded terrifying. I would probably get stuck in that wooden box adrift waiting for the crows to eat my dead body (oh,yeah... there are no more crows). It was bad enough being alone, but being alone at sea was worse. What if, while I was at sea, someone was waiting for me on land?

What if someone is waiting for you on another continent? Or on the moon? Or in your mind?

“Sarcasm, we sure have reached a new level at our relationship.”

I needed some more time before making any decisions. I get Hayden out of my head and hop on the bike cycling back to the hotel where my things were. Some raindrops were beginning to fall. I curse the weather, making my voice echo, reminding me, again, of my loneliness. A thunder sounded in response and not far away lightning hit the ground. It was a beautiful sight, the light cutting across the sky was more fascinating than I was able to explain.

As I arrived at the hotel completely soaked, my shoes flew across the main hall and the wet clothes got left behind as I walked up stairs to the third floor. I closed the bedroom door behind me and snuggled into the comfy robe. I lay in bed putting a movie on Netflix. The rain sounded loud against the window. I cringed with a little fear of being too much alone in that storm in the middle of the ocean.

With a few clicks, I turned the volume up and let the film start on the TV. But I could avoid looking at the rain. I remembered when my mom took me out to run in the rain and I was sure she was crazy. She had a strange love for the water. The ocean, the rain, the glass half full ... I felt a childish impulse take over me. I took off the robe, got into some pajamas and a raincoat over it, added a pair of boots and ran out of the hotel.

The sound of the rain was so loud that I barely heard my thoughts. I heard the rain against the plastic, let it all hit my face as I looked up, not as the annoying little drops, but the river that was falling from the sky.

“Good night to all the possible forgotten people on earth without any explanation” I shouted to the sky as water entered my mouth. I ran to the middle of the square and climbed up to the statue of some old dude “If, for some reason, you are listening to me, please land or walk here. I would love to meet you all. Do not be afraid, I will not judge any of you: zombies, ghosts, vampires, aliens ... Everyone is welcome, including humans, especially humans. Who speaks to you is…”

At that moment my name escaped me. I realized how irrelevant it had become. I didn't need a name, no one else would call me. I could be called generic things like human, person, living being. I would be the only one, everything in that world referred to me.

”Who speaks to you is your Queen!” I proclaimed myself not caring about the problems of the monarchy.

The queen of ...

... a world without subjects Hayden's voice sounded like a whisper in my ear. The warmth of a voice in my neck made me turn scared, slip and fall into the fountain.

I stood up looking around me scared to death. There was no one behind me, yet it all seemed very real, like a ghostly presence far beyond the voice in my mind. I didn't believe in ghosts, anything from this supernatural world, so I assumed my brain was disintegrating and my mind had collapsed into pure madness.

It would be a good name for your biography - I heard his voice again as a distant whisper. I turned around much more afraid this time.

"It would be a good name," I agreed, hoping he would say something more (so I could see, or not, my madness).

I looked around again, unable to think clearly with the sound and sensation of rain. I knew that a certain level of madness in my situation was interesting, but I did not know how far I could deal with it. I ran back in and locked the door behind.

After a hot shower, I ended up falling asleep. I had troubled dreams where I was in a big dark void and no matter where I was going everything was still the same. I woke up to the sound of loud thunder and a light illuminating everything. The storm had not stopped.

How much water can there still be in the sky? - Hayden's voice sounded so real to me that I sat on the bed not knowing if I was still dreaming.

I got up and turned on the light. It was scary, why did the voice come out of my head? Sure, I liked being able to hear it, but I couldn't deny how terrifying it was. A disembodied voice whispering in your ear is as close as life could get to a horror movie.

"I like your music," I said, feeling completely stupid. If I saw someone in my situation, I would have laughed.

I'm glad you liked it. I spent a lot of time choosing them.

Once again I had to spin my head. I leaned against the wall with my hands over my ears. I was delusional, something in my food was making me hallucinate. I couldn't accept that I was hearing voices, I wouldn't let my sanity escape that easily.

"I need you to stop talking"

Okay he said it like his voice was completely acceptable in that situation.

“Damn it! Why are you doing this to me?”

I'm not doing anything!

“I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to my brain!”

I don't think it's any better than talking to me.

I laughed .. I was crazy. Not only was I speaking with an imaginary voice, but I was arguing with it, better, with him. And, even better, I had been doing this for a while now, not seeing insanity in all of this.

I felt myself being swallowed back to the beginning. My first questions were repeated. Why was I alone there? What happened to everyone?

That's when I heard a noise, a familiar and nostalgic noise. I looked at my things and ran towards my backpack. I pulled the phone off the side with such force that it flew out of my hand and almost fall to the floor.

Right on the home screen, a new friend request appeared. "Hayden Dwight wants to be your friend". I looked up for cameras. That could only be the signs I was in a reality show. My cell phone vibrated in my hand showing new requests. "@HaydenDwight followed you", "@HaydenDwight followed you", "@HaydenDwight followed you"and it kept on going until I had a new follower in every social media I owned.

I threw my phone across the room without thinking twice. I was stuck in a horror movie. It was clear, someone was watching me!

There's no one watching you. I'm just getting more real, as you want to.

I stopped wondering what exactly I had said out loud. If someone was analyzing my steps, he could only know what I said out loud, right? That person would know I had been talking to Hayden and used it against me.

“Damn it!”

I didn't know anymore. Who could tell if there wasn’t a chip monitoring my thoughts? No, it didn't make sense. I was probably in a simulation, nothing was real. Or maybe I was dead, and that was my personal hell? I walked to the other side of the room, picking up the phone with the cracked screen. It still worked. I accepted the requests and started to see what Hayden was up to.

The musical tastes matched the songs on the iPod and each of the personality traits that I would have given him was described there. There were no photos, but it was still too bizarre. Whoever was doing this wanted to play with my head.

I took a test. Thought about Hayden loving croquembouche and croquet, and hating like football and chocolate.

I could agree with that, but chocolate? There's no way I don't like chocolate.

I waited a while. If they were in my head maybe it would become true? But if they were in my head they would know about the test, and if I was delusional, it wouldn’t become true because I knew I was a test.

I laughed at my thoughts. Relief entered my lungs, my breathing calmed me, but I didn't feel any better.

I texted Hayden and sat on the chair waiting for an answer. If there was someone on the other side of the screen, I wanted to know.

For hours and hours, I had no answer. I sat on the gamer chair that I bought from the store and used the table to get impulse. I repeated the process a few times before the nasty gum under the table touched my hand. I pulled my hand away in disgust, but then it was clear.

A perfect hotel has no gum under the table. I lay on the floor looking for whatever was down there. Not to my surprise, I found another card. Yay! ... Another clue to my meaningless journey.

"When you understand, come and find me."

What does that even mean? What kind of self-help card would say something like that? Why would anyone leave a clue for me assuming I would look under a table full of gum? What was happening to the world? Where the hell was everyone?

I heard the phone vibrate over the wood table. I stood up fats hitting my head on the corner of the table. After a few moments of suffering, I took a look at the notification through the locked screen.

"Hayden changed his profile pic."

I'm sure you will be impressed by my beauty. - he said convinced.

"Be quiet" I said as I opened the photo.

I stared at the image for too many minutes before going to the window, opening it, throwing the phone as far as I could, closing the window, touching it, and screaming angrily (with a hint of panic).

“Why are you as I imagined? How could that be?”

Not sure.

“Am I going crazy?”

Not sure.

“So what's going on?”

I don't know, but you should try finding me.

“You?”

I'm giving you clues. "When you understand, come find me", we can ignore that there is something happening and there is clearly someone to be found. - he said with the rationality I no longer possessed.

I looked around as if I would see Hayden in front of me, but I was still alone. How would I find someone I don't even know who is? Someone who was watching me, who didn't want me to meet unless I understood. What the hell should I understand?! And how could I be sure I wasn’t hallucinating it all?

[Patience you must have my young padawan]

I laughed in despair. The fact that Hayden was quoting Star Wars at that moment was ridiculous. an hour was as ridiculous as it was motivating. I pulled the screen down looking at the new update.

“We will find you and I think I know where to start” I say said, looking at the monument behind Hayden's photo