Chapter 9: Pain v. Uncertainty

She was crying silently and Gary couldn’t stand it. He wanted to stop telling her, but the words just kept on coming out. When he finished, he watched her take a tissue out of her bag with trembling hands. He couldn’t look at her red eyes and pink nose without wanting to overturn a table and scream, so he turned away until he thought she’d composed herself.

He knew it made him look like a cold, uncaring man, but Gary wouldn’t be drawn in. He couldn’t possibly let himself because it would hurt having to step back again.

The moment she had pulled herself together, he stood up and put money on the table before helping her out of her chair.

“Come on,” he said quietly, “let’s get out of here.”

She didn’t say anything the whole way to the parking lot.

Halfway to the car, he heard the broken sigh that escaped her lips.

Gary knew she was overwhelmed by everything he had told her. That little sound almost broke his resolve. When they reached the car, he held her close for a moment and he was worried she would start crying again, but it was a very brief moment before he let her go.

One minute she was secure and warm, the next she was a little cold and she felt very lost. It was as if he knew she was hurting and she needed some comfort but he didn’t really want to be the one to hold her and say all the gentle things that would make her feel better.

Back on the road, he drove without knowing his destination. “I’m sorry for making you cry. I shouldn’t have told you.”

“I’m glad you did. Thank you for sharing all that with me- maybe things’ll start falling into place. For now it all seems as though what you just told me happened to someone else and not to me.”

“Maybe.” His hands gripped the wheel tightly.

“You’re upset.”

He laughed humorlessly. “You could say that.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” she said, confused, more unsure of how to treat him now than ever before.

“I know. It’s not really anyone’s fault.” Surprised to find himself back at the house, he stepped on the brake pedal. “Thanks for coming out with me. I hoped I helped you and I hope you realize I would never do anything to harm you.”

She was stunned into silence. She looked at him, but he was looking straight ahead, his eyes narrowed and his jaw set. What did he know? At that point all she found out was that he had no intention of going inside.

“See you around,” he said glancing at her, gunning the engine.

“Thanks for lunch. No one could tell me what happened to me. Except you, obviously. So... I appreciate it very much.”

“You’re welcome.” He glanced at her and revved the engine again, facing straight ahead.

“Bye.”

Gary only saw her flee from the corner of his eye. He felt numb and worn out, not quite sure what to make of the last couple of hours.

Once he got home, he would take apart the day’s events. He knew that there had been conflicting emotions running through him when he told her all he had. Worse still, he wasn’t sure which emotions Kris had seen.

What he did know now was this. One- taking her to Confusion had been a subconscious request to be remembered. Two- he could remember exactly what had sparked the argument the night of her attack. Three- the pain of the attack and the ensuing months were still as fresh as they had been the days when it had actually been happening. And he still blamed himself. If he hadn’t said those stupid things, she’d still be his, she’d have never been assaulted or lost her memory and he’d still be playing football.

Four- the only personal reasons apart from his own recuperation which kept him away from her during her relapse had been his own emotional pain, fear and remorse.

Five- he had hated himself for not having the guts to comfort her when she had wept at the table. More self-hate filled him for having caused the tears in the first place.

The worst part he struggled with until he pushed open the door… Six.

Granted, she still didn’t remember the incident, but it made it very hard to sympathize when she couldn’t remember him at all. Knowing that after everything they’d been through, she didn’t know him from a campus freshman. She didn’t remember him and she hadn’t said she didn’t blame him for her attack yet. Now that she knew the truth, that look she gave him sometimes should have changed, but he could still see suspicion, doubt and fear in her eyes when she looked at him.

She hadn’t even admitted it aloud but she didn’t have to. He knew it was there and that hurt the most. Gary knew she thought it was his fault.

The phone interrupted him as he headed down the hallway to the gym. “Hello?”

“Gary, what did you say to Kris?”

It was Reese.

“Why?” he answered warily. “What’s the matter now?”

“Well, apart from her arriving home alone and rather subdued, she just called her mom. She wants her old diaries!”

“What?” Gary noticed the excitement in his brother’s voice.

“Exactly! She is looking for ways to remember more. Last night she didn’t want anything to do with the past, now she’s almost obsessed with it. What did you say?” Reese asked again.

“I gave her my alibi,” came the dry reply.

Silence.

“It’s not an alibi anymore, Gary,” Reese reminded him softly.

“Tell me that when the victim believes it.”

There was a longer silence. Reese didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry, bro. I didn’t know she felt that way.”

Gary laughed without humor. “I’m not even sure she knows how she feels. But hey, I’m happy I’ve helped her make a breakthrough.”

The forced happiness made Reese aware that his brother wanted to change the subject. He didn’t want to talk about Kris and whatever was going through her mind now.

“Yeah. Uh, Carrie said there was a dinner dance next Friday,” he said, moving on. He told him what he knew.

“I’ll probably stop by then. Make a couple girls swoon,” Gary joked, trying to avoid making his brother worry about him unnecessarily.

Reese laughed, relieved Gary could shake it off so easily. They spoke for a while longer then hung up.

Kris didn’t say very much when she practically flew into the house from Gary’s car. In fact, she felt like crying, she wouldn’t have been able to keep talking without bursting into tears.

On one hand she was happy that he had an excuse for his presence in her nightmares, but on the other she was back to square one.

Maybe not square one, she conceded to herself. Gary had told her of the entire experience according to what she had told him at the time.

That’s if he is telling the truth, a part of her intoned.

Why wouldn’t he be? He’s Carrie and Reese’s brother. They wouldn’t let him around her if he was a threat to her in any way.

For the sake of progress, suppose he is telling the truth, she thought. He was still in her dreams. Bad dreams. He had appeared last night and if he wasn’t the element of danger, she still didn’t know who had hurt her. The threatening force that had begun to break her down was still haunting her. Whoever had beaten her, nearly raped her and tried to drown her was still a faceless menace. Perhaps that was the least of her worries. What bothered her was she still had so many questions.

Who had Gary been to her- a close buddy or a love interest? Why had they fought on the fateful night? Why couldn’t she remember him? Why wouldn’t anyone talk about him or tell her who he was? Hadn’t she detected slight resentment during his narration? Should she have told him that she believed him and did not blame him for what happened?

That question stopped her.

Did she? Did she actually blame Gary?