Chapter 7 - War is war

TARA'S POV - 16 years and a half ago

I barely retained a girly giggle as he kissed my temple, our hands entwined. It's been a long, stressful day, well, make it week, ok, months, yeah, months ... these past six months haven't been exactly easy, I'm trying to take it on my shoulders as much as possible, because I know Lukas is too busy with finals to think about the rest as well, I know he'd want to help, but I'd rather he focused on his studies, he's so stressed lately.

"It's my fault", my husband whispered, and I turned to him, confused, which caused him to grin, amused. "She's taken the habit from me, my mom always told me I was a real pain in the ass as a newborn."

I chuckled, nuzzling his chest. "I doubt your mom would speak like that", I argued. I've never known the woman, but given what he recounted me, she was a true angel on earth, hardly would she speak of her beloved son in such terms.

Lukas grinned, squeezing my hand. "Yeah, no, she said it differently, but I presumed that much."

I laughed, this time wholeheartedly, but soon covered my mouth, knowing that even the tiniest noise was risky in such situation. Nicky fell asleep barely ten minutes ago, after hours – hours – of lulling. She barely sleeps at night, and consequently, neither do I, I get up every hour to go see what's wrong ... I won't deny I'm worn out.

I've bought ear plugs for my husband purposely, this way he can have his resting sleep, so that in the morning he'll be able to study and all. I'm being such a considerate wife that I swear, after he graduates, Lukas will owe me more than he could afford. Then again, I also owe him tons of interrupted sessions ... it's quite tricky to have sex when you have a newborn waking up at the tiniest noise.

Sighing, I rested my head on his shoulder, draping my arm over his torso. "I love you so much, Lukas." I admitted, placing a small kiss on his naked chest. It's in these tough periods that I feel like remind him, the same as he does to me, because I feel like we need to keep that fixed point in sight, so that we won't lose ourselves.

At least that's what my grandma says: whenever you're tired, exhausted, you feel like you can't stand a minute more of marriage life, remind yourself why did you marry him in the first place. Why did I marry Lukas Bennet so early? Because I love him with my whole heart, and I can't be without him, that's why. And he gotta know that. He gotta know, every day of his life, how much he counts for me.

He smiled, kissing my temple. "I love you more, baby."5

I smiled as well, tucking myself closer in his arms. Maybe tonight our daughter would grant us some peace. These six months have been hellish, can't deny it, Nicky swallows all my time, in the beginning Lukas and I split our duties, but since three months now he's entered a tricky period, and I don't want him to get distracted, so I've taken upon my shoulders everything, from Nicky to the house, the bills, the rent ... everything.

My husband does nothing but study for his finals and work on his thesis – he could avoid that, but he says he wants to anticipate graduation as much as possible, so that then it'll be easier.

If I gonna be honest, sometimes I think it's luck that my husband is ... well, rich, because this way I can take care of everything without worrying that I'm currently unemployed. I've been sending curricula everywhere, but found nothing, wasn't there Lukas' fund, we'd be screwed.

Even though, Fran says that whenever I'll want my old job back, she'll be there waiting, but, well, honestly ... I didn't sweat blood on books for so long to be waitressing my entire life. As it is, I'll go back to working at Fran's café only if circumstances will force me to.

I guess it might be soon, because, well, Lukas doesn't know this, but, doing accounts, with all we've spent and will be spending on Nicky, then the cost of Med School and all, if I don't work, and Lukas doesn't work, then his fund will last us ... no more than a year.

Newborns cost tons of money, in case you were wondering, and ... Lukas is just half a foot away from entering Yale's Med School, which costs one hell of a lot, considering he can't get scholarships because of his high income bracket. 1

I won't tell him anything of these worries, because I know he'd say he can give up on Yale and try Boston University, which is a lot less expensive, and I don't want him to give up on anything. In the end, if everything fails ... I can always swallow my pride and ask my father-in-law. 1

Lukas would skin me alive, if he knew I accepted his dad's financial help, that's why I'm keeping that option as a very last resource, like ... I'm gonna call my father-in-law only if we're one minute away from being homeless. There are my parents as well, but ... I'd rather work as prostitute before asking them.

Then again, all these worries are only product of my paranoid mind, I'm sure everything's gonna be fine, I mean, it's not like Lukas' fund is that easy to exhaust. I think what took me off balance was the fact that I spent almost all my savings for the wedding – even reduced to the minimum, it cost an arm and a leg! –, because I was too stubborn to let Lukas pay for everything, and the fact that I'd taken into account that he would go to Boston University, not Yale. Okay, maybe I'm just an overanxious mom and wife. We'll be fine.

We both sighed, happy in our small cocoon, we needed to sleep, I did especially, yeah, but neither of us wanted to close their eyes, because, well, with a newborn around, always seeking attention, it's hard to get some romantic time with my hubby, so, well, I was willing to delay my well deserved rest in order to spend some more quality time with Lukas.

We're in such a desperate period that he's started studying at home instead of at the library, just so he'll be able to spend more time with us, but because Nicky is quite noisy, he's started using the ear plugs during the day other than just through the night.

"I can't wait for all of this to pass", Lukas mused, and I lightly hit his stomach, disagreeing.

"Don't say that. These are her best years."

He sighed, nuzzling my temple. "Yeah, and I'm losing every moment."

"Babe ..."

"It's true. You're with her 24/7, while I barely get a couple of hours per day. There are still six months before graduation, I'm in time to lose her first word, her first steps, the teething ... within six months I'll be able to lose some of her most important milestones."

I bit my lip, not sure how to cheer him up. He's been so in neck deep with college stuff lately, it's true that he doesn't spend much time with Nicky, because every minute counts when the last exams are so tough, and he gotta ace them all, because merit is the basic criteria to enter Yale's Med School.

Moms in our parenting group see so little of my husband that they've started spreading rumors that maybe we're getting divorced ... that's to say how little of his daughter Lukas gets to see, so I get why he's so frustrated, but there's not much we can do.

"You won't lose anything, you're staying at home to study purposely, right? That makes it easier."

"Yeah, but ... Nicky and I are hardly bonding. She's starting to be uneasy when I hold her in my arms."

I squeezed his hand, cuddling him. "That's not you, babe, she's being uneasy with everybody lately."

"Everybody she sees less than three hours a day."

"Lukas ..."

"It's alright, I'm just ...", he sighed, turning his body to face me, "I'm just tired of all this crap that keeps me away from my daughter ... and from you."1

I caressed his cheek, giving him a small sympathetic smile. "I understand. But Nicky and I are here either way, just focus on your goals, you can't give up now."

"I know, but ... maybe if I postponed graduation, I wouldn't have so much work, I could spend some more time with Nicky ..."

"Nicky is only six months old, Lukas, she won't even remember if you're there or not, but if you postpone graduation, things can only get more chaotic, you know that, because then you won't be able to apply for Med School, and you'll have to take a year off, and-"

"Well, would it be so bad? Taking a year off? I could focus on my family ..."

I smiled at his sweetness, and kissed his nose as a response, even while disagreeing: "Nicky and I will still be here once you're done with all this madness, babe, don't worry. Just hold on a little more, then everything will be easier."1

He cracked a sad smile, unconvinced, as he tucked his head behind my neck, something he's taken a habit of doing whenever he's tired. College really does stress him too much, I think also because he wants to do so much altogether, just so he'll be sure he'll make it, and the result is that this Lukas is barely a shadow of the untiring guy that wore down my resistances only over two years ago.

"Once I enter Med School, it'll all be even harder, you know that, right?" Lukas mused.

I sighed, nodding, as I left my forehead against his. The next years are gonna be hellish, more than these six months maybe, I know that, but we're gonna make it, I'm sure we will. He's worked so hard to reach this point, I can't let him give up now. "I know, but we'll make it, we always do."9

Lukas smiled, and pecked my lips, wondering: "You're so understanding and sweet ... who are you, and what did you do with my wife?"

I giggled as he straddled me, and kissed my neck. "I'm only accumulating favors, Bennet. By the time all of this is over, you'll owe me big time."

He chuckled, but his hands slipped to my hips, swiftly working to raise my tank top. "Right now there's something you owe me, baby ...". He lifted my top, and placed a small kiss on my tummy, making me giggle, he then trailed kisses down my navel, while his hand slid down my, well, his basketball shorts I was wearing. I bit my tongue not to emit the smallest sound. With a bit of luck, Nicky would sleep peacefully at least for an hour more.

Lukas slid down my panties, and I felt shivers. It's been so long since the last time ... "Nine months, 27 days and 3 hours", Lukas counted, as if he'd read my mind. I chuckled, aware that he'd felt the abstinence way more than I, but I whimpered a little when his tongue flickered inside me. It felt so weird.

After a human being has come out of you, it's hard to go back to normality for those zones, and even though it's been six months, I still felt odd.

"You okay?" Lukas asked me when he noticed my reaction.

I smiled, dipping my hand into his hair, and nodded. "It's just ... you know, it's been so long ..."

He grinned wickedly, going back to my core. "That's why we need to make up for it ..."

I barely made it to letting out one single moan as Lukas flickered his tongue inside me, that the alarm went off ... it felt like a chilly shower had just frozen our hormones.

Sighing, I sat up. "Sleep, I'll go see what she needs", I murmured, patting the bed in search of panties and shorts. Our daughter has an incredible talent for waking up at the worst moments.

"No, I'll go, you rest", Lukas argued, standing up, "at least I'm decent", he added with a mischievous smirk. I rolled my eyes at his cockiness, but was actually relieved. As he got out, I tucked myself back in the sheets, without getting dressed, thinking maybe I'll try to wake up earlier in the morning to surprise my hubby, but I couldn't drift off to sleep right away ... unable to resist, I quickly put back on panties and shorts, and headed straight to Nicky's room.

I didn't enter. The door was cracked open, so I remained there, listening in. The smile that took over my lips was so huge and persistent that I thought it would never leave me. Lukas stood in the middle of the room, cuddling Nicky, softly singing to her – he was terribly out of the tune –, when that didn't work, he resorted to sweet-talking to her: "Come on, sweetie, mommy needs to sleep, alright? She's doing so much for us, don't you think? The least we can do is let her sleep."2

I barely retained a chuckle, I'll admit. What melted my heart, however, was the gentle smile that plastered over his lips as he beheld our daughter, the way he kissed her temple, so lovingly, the soft tone he used as he tried to lull her to sleep, the adorable sight Lukas and Nicky made together ... swoon-worthy.8

It took him a few minutes to get her to yawn, however, before her eyes closed, Lukas kissed her forehead once more, murmuring the words that truly triggered my touched tears: "Daddy loves you more than anything, Nicky, I hope you'll remember that when you're all grown up and you'll hate me, through your teenage tantrums. I know you'll fight me and loathe me, I know you will, because so I did with my father, and let's be honest ... you've got my blood rushing through your veins, so, well, mommy doesn't need to know, but you and I, sweetie, we both know that means you're gonna be one hell of a stubborn, hot-headed ox. So was I, and so will you be. I just hope you take more from your mommy throughout the years. Either way, no matter how much you fight me, no matter how many I hate yous you'll yell against me, no matter what happens, daddy will always love you more than anything, Nicky. Remember that."37

***

PRESENT

LUKAS' POV

I don't even know why am I doing this, it's a lost cause, I've already been marked as monster, what's gonna change? Nothing. I should save at least some dignity, I guess, but ... it's my kids we're talking about, I can't just give up, not without trying to be forgiven.

Taking a deep breath, I knocked. It was a bit of an ambush, because I knew my soon to be ex wife wouldn't be home ... I saw her having dinner with Sean barely ten minutes ago. She forgot I know that restaurant too, I'd gone to get some take away, and I saw them there, having their usual chit-chatter dinner, also known as the tearing Lukas to bits night. As if I didn't know Sean likes to spit all the venom possible against me, and incites Tara to do the same.

For once, however, it was a good thing. Because it gave me the chance to do this humiliating act of a desperate father. It's already been two weeks since Tara threw me out. As of now, there's nothing done yet, we, well, I am and I suppose she is merely studying the papers with the lawyer, we have a few weeks more before things start getting serious. Once, I would have fought for this, I would have tried to see whether we could fix our problems or not, but let's be honest ... there's nothing to do.

It pains me, but our marriage is over. Nothing more to add. What I am willing and determined to fight instead, is this ludicrous idea she has of keeping my kids away from me. She can't. I've talked to my lawyer, and she can't. 3

My sole fault was cheating, that marks me as bad husband, not bad father, which means that Tara has nothing to base her case for full custody on. At least that's what my lawyer says. The problem is, why fight if they don't want me? That's why I'm here. To try and see if I can fix things. And, honestly, because I miss them too badly.1

I held in my breaths when I heard footsteps, until, finally the door was opened. The sight I met wasn't encouraging.

"What do you want?" My teenage daughter stood there, bored and annoyed, giving me one of her cold stares. Normally I would be too mad to think, since a few years every single one of the intercourses between me and Nicky have been brimmed with shouts and curses, but right now ... right now I only saw my little Honeybunch, the lovely little girl that used to come rushing down the stairs to welcome her daddy, anxious and eager to play with him.8

"Nicky ..." I started, unsure what to say.

"Get the hell out of here", she spat as a response, slamming the door in my face.

I sighed, defeated. I deserve it, definitely I do, but still! I knocked once more, and she opened, her face molded in spite.

"What the hell do you want?!" Nicky barked, hand on the knob, ready to shut the door again.

I grimaced at her tone, but it wasn't the right moment to remind her I'm still her father and she is not allowed nor supposed to disrespect me like that. I tried the meek way for once. Taking a tiny step closer, I inhaled, and tried to blurt out everything in a couple of seconds, before she slammed the door in my face once more: "I miss you, and Gloria and Zach. I just want to apologize, I've been a real bastard, I know that, but you're still my daughter, Nicky, and I love you."25

She didn't even blink. Barely the time to finish the sentence, that once again I had the door slammed in my face. I sighed, defeated and hurt. It's too late, isn't it? I've done too much, my daughter now hates me.

I tried knocking a third time, but all I got was a hissed "go away, dad!". Well, at least I'm still 'dad', not 'Lukas', not 'the moron', 'the bastard', as I was in these past fights. Maybe there's still a tiny crack of hope.

Because I didn't hear footsteps, I presumed Nicky was still at the door, so I made one last attempt. I know that, beneath this rebellious teen, beneath this thick layer of hatred, there's still my sweet Honeybunch. With Nicky, just like with Tara, you gotta press the right buttons. I wish I knew what those were.

"I know I've fucked up, Honeybunch, I've been the king of bastards, the most awful dickhead you'll ever meet, and God knows I pray your future husband won't be like me, but Nicky, please ... you're still my daughter, I still love you more than anything. I always will, no matter what. Just give me one more chance."1

No answer, but neither noises, so I decided to keep going. Give or take.

"I'm sorry for everything I've done, I'm sorry for betraying you, honey, I'm sorry for disappointing you. I'm sorry for all the times I yelled against you instead of listening to you." I sighed, leaning my forehead against the door. "I should know something about awful fathers, I'd sworn to myself I'd never be like my dad, yet here I am ... but I can make it up to you, I want to make it up, honey, just ... just give me another chance."1

Nothing. Glacial silence. I knocked harshly, desperate, tears inevitably filling my eyes. "Nicole, please! I'm begging you!" I would sell my dignity for one cent, if that meant I could have my daughter back. I've screwed up big time, but that doesn't mean I don't love my kids. That's what Tara doesn't understand, damnit. I've been a crappy husband, I can admit that, but she can't forbid me to be father.

I think I've never cried in my life, not since childhood, but I was merely a few seconds away from breaking down this time. I can accept that my marriage had been a huge failure, I can accept I've lost the one person I thought I would spend my whole existence with ... but I cannot accept losing my children. Not like this, not without a fight.3

When I heard some ruckus inside, my heart skipped a few beats, daring hope that Nicky was finally starting to melt, when the door started opening, I even dared believe I'd made it ...

"Daddy?"

I closed my eyes in order to wipe tears, before he could see them, and concealed the blow to my heart. At least one member of this family is still by my side. "Zach, hey ..."

My 9-years-old son tilted his head to the side, like he does when he's confused. "Mommy said you were travelling."

Ah, so that's the lie she told the younger ones. Clever. "Yeah, I uh ... yeah, buddy, I've ... travelled a lot these weeks ..."

"Are you back home now?"

I wish. "Uh ... no, Zach, I ... I'll be off for a while, buddy."

"Why?"

I thought she'd told him about the divorce. I frowned, though carefully asking: "What ... did mommy tell you about it?"

He shrugged, shaking his head. So all this time, Tara said nothing? All they know is that I'm travelling? Not sure if it's a good thing or not.

On one hand, it's tricky, because in the end they, well, Zach – because I'm sure Nicky's told Gloria already – will find out, be it only because, as my lawyer said, if my wife and I don't agree on custody terms, the kids will have to appear in court ... to choose.

On the other hand, it's good, because Zach is the only fan I have in this family, so maybe if news still hasn't reached him, I can still have a chance at not breaking that ideal fatherly figure he sees in me.

Hence, because he was starting to get confused, I gave him a small smile, and ruffled his hair, assuring him everything was fine, so he smiled. The boy has my features, but the smile and the eyes ... all his mom's.

"Hey, uh ... how about you and I go camping in the weekend?" I asked, hopeful. If I ask, Tara's never gonna agree, but if Zach pulls his puppy face, she won't be able to say no. Predictably, but thankfully, my son's face lit up, and he nodded eagerly, agreeing. Phew. At least one child out of three doesn't hate me ... yet.4

Smiling, I took in every word Zach rambled about what we would do, where did he want to go and such. I've always brought him camping since he was 3, not because I particularly like such activity, but because I thought – and Tara agreed – that some solo time between us boys would help strengthen our father-son bond.

Sadly, barely ten minute into our chitchat, I heard a car pulling over. That should have been my cue to make a peaceful exit, but ... I didn't feel like it.

"Mommy!" Zach called, enthusiast, for how squeezed into my side. I'll admit I did tighten my grip on him mostly in order to keep him from running to her.

Tara gave our son a pretty fake smile, the one she puts on for the sake of the kids whenever she's in pain, and came to stand beside me, as if that were normal. "Hey, sweetie", she welcomed him, completely ignoring me, ruffling his hair, which had Zach giggle. "What are you doing still up?"

"Daddy said we're going camping this weekend!" Zach exclaimed, enthusiast, gaining me a cold side glare from his mom, which she concealed quite easily behind the smile she was still offering him.

"Oh, but that's great!" Tara commented, with a tone that was as fake as a made in China. "However, I'm sorry, sweetie, but ... you can't go ..."

"Why?" Zach and I asked in unison, but my voice brimmed more of rancor other than disappointment.

Tara smiled wider at our son, and grabbed his hands, pulling him into her, I bet in order to break our hug. "Because ... we're seeing granny this weekend, remember?"

Zach pouted. "Oh ... can't we go another weekend?"

"She's waiting for us, sweetie."

"Yes, but ..."

"Another time, okay? Camping can wait."

Dejectedly, Zach nodded. I guess she won the battle, we'll have to see about the war. I did my best not to grind my teeth, and forced a smile on my face when my little boy turned to me, hopeful: "Can we go to the go-carts tomorrow?"

I was about to nearly shout an excited yes, after two weeks of distance, I was craving to spend some time with my little boy, but ... the Wicked Witch of the West came once again to spoil our plans: "I'm sorry, sweetie, but you have an appointment with Dr. Moore tomorrow."

Zach sighed, disappointed, and I glared at my future ex wife. She thinks she's clever, inventing crap in order to keep me out, but she won't win.

I was about to offer to take Zach to the dentist myself, so that later on we could stop by the go-carts, but Tara once more prevented me: "Now, it's time to sleep, sweetie. Go brush your teeth and put on your PJ, I'll come tuck you in in a few minutes, alright?"

"Daddy, can we please read Peter Pan again?"

Before I could even open my mouth, she intervened: "Daddy has a night shift, sweetie. I'll read it with you." The bitch. 24

I waited until Zach had gone upstairs, after having hugged goodnight, to turn to my future ex wife, my face now showing all the anger I felt, I bet. "You think you can keep doing this? Inventing crappy excuses to keep me out? It's not gonna work, Tara."

She shrugged, weirdly peaceful, and walked in, hand on the door. She gave me an angelic smile. "Go fuck yourself, Bennet." Third door slammed in my face tonight.4

Sighing, I took a step backwards, acknowledging the defeat for tonight. Just one score in her advantage, I can always recover. At least I have Zach by my side, which is great, because as of now, we're at war.

She thinks I'm a heartless bastard ... I'm gonna show her just how bad can this bastard be. I thought we could be reasoning adults, but she wants to play dirty. Fine with me. War is war.9

I walked back to my car, and stepped in, but before starting the engine, I took the phone out of my pocket, and sent a text to a specific number:

Some moments are meant to be shared with the whole world ... don't you think, darling?9

She wants to play dirty, well, two can play that game. Like I said, war is war.