Chapter 6 - Where did we go wrong?

LUKAS' POV

I'm not the same as I was. I kept repeating myself that as I watched my wife and daughter hugging on our driveway.

I'm not the same moronic asshole as I was once, I changed long ago, when Tara and I started living together, I was already a different guy, that guy I was, that I have been with her, that's the real Lukas, the Lukas my mom would have wanted me to be ... then why do I keep on screwing it all up? Why does it feel like a déjà vu? Why am I being a complete and utter idiot all over again?

I would like to say her words didn't cut deep, but they fucking did, and how couldn't they? Despite everything, I've spent 18 years of my life with this woman, we've had three kids, we've shared everything, lived the most perfect romance ... and now it's all over. It sucks.8

The signs have been there since long, I know that, and I know we cannot keep dragging on and on something that, clearly, has exhausted its reason to be, but still.

At least one thing of all this was good: Tara and Nicky seemed to have gotten closer. I just wish it wasn't my fault.

Then again, it's not like what Nicky did was worth forgiveness. Maybe I overreacted, but that doesn't mean she's right.

However I do wonder where the hell did I go wrong, when did my daughter and I start falling apart. It can't be just that simple time, can it? I apologized to Nicky hundreds of times for that, but she never wanted to listen. Just like her mom.3

Sighing, I raked a hand over my face. Well, time to move on, I guess. My marriage was broken long ago, useless to keep on crying over spilt milk. Maybe, in the end, we weren't really meant to be, maybe I was really just confused by my feelings ...

I loved for the very first time, of course I thought it would be forever. I made the same rookie mistake everybody makes. Love doesn't last forever, now I know that.1

"I'm going to pick up Zach at soccer practice", I mumbled as I strolled back to Valentine's car, as if nothing happened.

"No need. I'm going", Tara spat as she reemerged from their hug. Nicky remained stuck to her mother's side, weirdly enough, her face immersed in Tara's chest, while my wife gave me one of her cold stares I've learnt to live with throughout these years, ever since our marriage started cracking.

Somehow the change in her is crystal clear. She's been evolving since high school, has made only steps in advance, from the terribly shy fat girl that could barely dare leave her house, she's become a perfectly confident woman that's achieved everything in life. How did that happen?

How did she move forward so perfectly, without glitches, while I keep on stumbling back to my old self? How? Weren't we supposed to walk towards the same destination? Together? When did I start being on my own on this trip?3

"It's fine, I promised him we'd get pizza, I-"

"No, you don't get it, Lukas. I'm going to pick up my son, and I will have to tell him his father won't be in his life anymore. You can go back to your bitch, we're gonna be just fine without you."12

When? When did my wife start hating me this much? I would like to say that didn't sting, but it fucking did. Way worse than before. But there was also anger, because she can't think I'm gonna let her keep my children away from me. "You can't be serious."

"I am perfectly serious, Lukas", she squeezed Nicky into her while saying that, and for some reason my daughter didn't even blink, just remained there, as if she were back to the cuddly child she was once, before everything started failing, before I fucked it all up.

Because that's it, isn't it? It's my fault if this family was broken, I can acknowledge that. However that doesn't mean I'm the sole player in this. Maybe I fucked up, but that doesn't mean Tara is innocent either. We both screwed it all up big time.1

"Are you saying you're not gonna let me see my kids?" I asked, my jaw clenching as I took a couple of steps closer to them, starting to see red.

As if on cue, Tara backed up with Nicky in her arms. She did the same upstairs. Why? Why does she fear me now? She never has. Why now? I can understand anger, I can understand why would she be mad at me, but why fear me? I've never given her reason to.17

"I'm saying I want full custody. And if that doesn't sit well with you, then I'll see you in court."4

"You can't be serious!"

"I am very serious. Now you'll excuse me, I gotta go inform my son his father is a jackass", she moved to her car, Nicky still with her, although not stuck to her anymore. 2

My daughter got in the car without a word, without even glancing at me, as if I were a horrific monster that threatened to ruin her life, as if she hadn't just disrespected both me and her mother in the worst way. I can understand female solidarity, but not flat out stupidity. Tara was taking her defenses simply in order to go against me, I bet.

However, that wasn't the point now. The point was, my soon to be ex wife was talking nonsense. Before she could get in the car, I walked over to her and grabbed her arm, stopping her. "You hate me, I get it, and it's fine, for what I care, you may as well curse me, pray I die of the most horrible death, but don't you dare, Tara, don't you dare take my kids away from me, I won't let you."1

Her eyes reverberated pure hatred as she spoke: "Where were you when your children needed you the most? Don't pretend you care now, because you fucking don't, and we both know that. All you care about is your job and your bitches, so just go back to them and leave us all in peace."

"That's not fair, and you know it, Tara. I may have made mistakes, but I've always been there for my kids."

"Have you?", she crossed her arms, leaning against the car, while Nicky watched us from the passenger seat, and so did that gossipy neighbor of ours. "Then where were you when Gloria's braces caused her an infection last month? Where were you when Zach missed school for a week because of measles? And when Nicky broke her arm in 6th grade? Where the hell were you, Lukas?"

She paused for drama. "Right. Unreachable. As usual. So don't bullshit me with the caring father pantomime, because it doesn't work anymore. I want you nowhere near my kids. And you know what, neither do they want you around, Lukas, because even they know how much of a lying bastard you've been."

She pushed me off, so that she could open the car door, but I stopped her once again, gripping her arm, this time tighter. I'm sure the neighbor was enjoying the show even too much. "I always came, and you know it, Tara. I was late, but I did come."

"Why were you late?"

"I was working!"

She nodded, freeing her arm. "That's the point."

"Ugh, you can't be seriously blaming me for working! I'm a fucking doctor! When my patients need me I can't just disappear!"2

"You could have found somebody that would replace you, you're not the only oncologist in there."

"You're being irrational."

"No, I'm finally seeing clear." She crossed her arms, glaring. "I've put up with your shit all these years, and I'm sick and tired of it. You ruined my life, sure as hell I'm not gonna let you ruin the kids'."

I wanted to laugh in her face, seriously. It's always so Tara to be so melodramatic. "I didn't ruin anything! You did! You sabotaged us, you have been blaming me for screwing it up, but it's not like you were such a saint!" I raised my voice, getting closer, practically yelling in her face.

"I'm not the whore between us!"

"Oh, for God's sakes, quit it, Tara! I cheated, okay, I made a mistake, but you did too!"1

"At least I was there for my kids!"

"So was I!"

"No, you weren't! You left me alone all the time! You were too busy screwing this or that intern! You're the whore that broke his daughter's heart!"

I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose. "You're never gonna let that go, are you? I apologized! To you, to Nicky, to everyone!" I punched the car for good measure, furious that she would never acknowledge one single good thing I did. It's all my fault, always my fucking fault here. I've screwed up, I know I have, but it wasn't just me, for fuck's sakes!2

Tara flinched at my reaction, and the simple fact that her hazel eyes showed fear felt like a punch in my stomach. But worse was the voice I heard next.

"I don't give a shit about your apologies." Nicky stood there, beside the car, arms crossed, glaring at me for the umpteenth time, but this time way more intensely than ever. I think I felt shivers just at that. Or maybe it was her words: "You're a complete failure as a father. I want nothing to do with you and neither do Gloria or Zach. Just leave us the hell alone."

"Nicky ..." I tried calling, weak.

"Mom, let's go."

I let Tara push me off without reacting, I was too busy staring at my daughter, finally seeing her for who she was. A 16 years old girl whose expectations and ideals on her father were miserably failed, a girl that lost trust in everything and everyone when she lost it in her dad. I did that. I made my daughter the irascible punk she is. How the hell could that happen?7

I watched, powerless, as Tara stepped in the car along with Nicky, and left. How could I go from living the most perfect fairy tale, to shattering it all? Was I truly just blinded by my feelings? Is that really all? 4

I recall how much I tried to win my wife's heart, I remember my determination to make it work ... where did all that go, and how can I take it back? If not for Tara, for Gloria and Zach, and even Nicky. I know how it is to grow up lonely, with a distant father, I don't want that for them, too. How can I make it work again?3

***

TARA'S POV

"You did the right thing", Sean mentioned as he sipped his drink. "I mean, not to rub salt in the wound, but Taz, the man's been a class A asshole for years."1

I sighed, leaning back in my chair, but nodding. "I know. I just ... is it really right? I mean, he's still their father, no matter how much of a jackass he is."

"True. But how many times has he hurt them already?"

I pressed my eyelids, not wanting to acknowledge that my friend had just hit the bull's eye. The first years, Lukas was a really amazing father, I have books full of photos to prove that, then ... I don't know, he changed. It's like he went suddenly from Jekyll to Hyde.

Then again, why am I surprised, wasn't he the same when we started living together? Sure, that one was all an act, as he later on told me, he was only pretending to be the same jackass, just so I wouldn't get suspicious, but what if that's not true? What if he really put up an act all these years? Lukas has always been one hell of a pretender.

Yesterday's stunt was the last straw that broke the camel's back, he got me over the edge, and I reacted accordingly. I cannot have such a moody man around my kids, especially when I'm not sure anymore that he will not get violent with them. I've always had the uttermost certainty that no matter how badly he behaved, he would never ever dare lay one single hand on his kids, but ... yesterday's facts made me think.

Lukas has changed so much throughout the years, or he stayed the same but just acted, I don't know, the point is, I am not sure who my husband is anymore. Maybe, was I alone, I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but I cannot risk my children's safety. How do I know he won't blow up again like he did yesterday? How do I know next time he won't add hands to the words?

Besides, Sean is right. I've lost the count of the times I've had to console my children because their dad disappointed them. I honestly don't know how comes Zach still believes in him.1

"Look, only time will tell whether it's a good choice or not, maybe take it step by step, don't alienate them totally, I mean, they've got a lifetime ahead, growing up, they might hate you if you keep them far from their dad, but ... do fight for full custody, Taz. Let him see them, yeah, but ..."

"Don't leave them alone with him?"

Sean bit his lip, merely nodding. He might be a little biased, because he's never really gotten along with my husband, but that doesn't mean he isn't entirely right. Maybe it wouldn't be right to leave my kids without their father, have them grow up without a single contact with him, but ... as of now, like I said, I don't know who Lukas Bennet is anymore, and I cannot risk. So, well, full custody it is.

Sean leaned in, and grabbed my hands in his, giving me an encouraging smile. "It's gonna be hard, but we're here for your, Taz, alright? Always will be."

I smiled, squeezing his hand, sincerely thankful. When 18 years ago Sean and I met, I wouldn't have bet on our friendship, instead we're still here, and I couldn't be happier about it. He and Aiden have proved to be the best of friends for me.

Sure, Sean and Lukas never really clicked, but it was nothing too dramatic. In the end, I think Sean never really liked Lukas mostly because of the recounts I gave him. He's my confidant, so he knows everything, every single detail of my life ... how could he like my husband when he knew what he put me through?

"So how's Aid?" I asked, pulling back when the waiter came to bring our first course. Yesterday I texted him a brief recount of what happened, and Sean insisted on having dinner tonight, so that we could talk it out. He does that. Whenever there's something, we have dinner, just the two of us, and we talk things out. I honestly love it.

Sean smiled, even though his eyes were on the waiter, who was taking a little too long in serving us, actually. Once he was finally gone, my friend spoke: "He's fine, having fun babysitting tonight. He'd have wanted to join us, but, you know, with Keira now it's ... complicated."

I smiled back, nodding as I grabbed my fork, and listened to him delightfully recount me his life as a fresh dad. He and Aiden married three years after Lukas and I, but only two years ago they started the big talk: kids. Neither of them was sure, but in the end they finally decided for a yes, and they've been happy daddies of lovely Keira since summer. "He's enjoying it, isn't he?"1

Sean grinned, nodding, love vivid in his eyes. "Yeah, I'd have never guessed, I mean, you know him, my Aid doesn't exactly come off as ... mature and reliable, does he? But ... he's been firmly into this since the beginning, and he loves, loves his time with Keira. He's so over the moon that he's already starting to talk about getting her a sibling, can you believe it?" Sean laughed, and I did my best to do the same, but, I couldn't help feeling a little sting in my heart.

My friends are happy together, and I am truly happy for them, but ... I can't help thinking that what they have, all this blissful happiness, Lukas and I had it too ... how Sean talks about Keira now, how they take this fatherhood, it's how Lukas and I talked about Nicky after she was born. The way they plan ahead, the pure contentment you can read in their eyes ... it was us. It used to be Lukas and I.

"Hey ... Taz, you alright, hun?" Sean asked, reaching for my hand, which I gladly squeezed as tears prickled behind my eyes. Just because I was determined, doesn't mean it was an easy choice, just because something broke between us, doesn't mean I don't regret it. Just because I've started hating Lukas, doesn't mean I've stopped loving him.

I've always thought divorce would be easy, because if I got to choosing such path, it would be only and solely because I could not make it anymore, but ... well, theory is always easy, reality? Not so much.

I've spent 18 years of my life with Lukas Bennet. 18 years. He's the father of my children, he used to be my safe line, my anchor, my ... true love. Or so I thought he was. The crap he's put me through these years, I can't forgive him, but that doesn't mean I don't wish we could go back in time.

"I'm fine", I smiled at my friend, not to worry him, "you were saying?"

"Taz ..."

My smile held strong as much as possible, but in the end it broke, inevitably, as much as I burst into tears, tired. "I'm sorry, Sean, I ... I shouldn't ... I'm sorry."

My friend rounded the table, and came to sit beside me, embracing me, like he does every time I'm upset. Yes, these dinners usually end in tears, be it mine or his, but mostly mine.

"It's okay, hun, it's okay. I'm here for you."

The last words should have comforted me, but they only reminded me of my husband and how many times he said them, and I wondered if he ever meant them at all, if he ever meant anything of what he said, if he ever loved me at all ... and if he did, when did he cease? If Lukas ever loved me for real, when, at what point in our lives did he start unloving me?

"Where did I go wrong?" I asked aimlessly as I cried against Sean's chest. Why didn't it work? Why did we fall apart like this? We used to breathe each other's air, how could we go from that to hating each other?