9

The air is getting hotter and hotter, it tickles my skin and I can feel it getting clammy. A hot breath crashes against my neck. My body reacts instantly: I shudder.

I feel someone nibbling at my ear and I moan.

"So, how is my love?" asks me a soft and suave voice.

"Gab... let me sleep."

His hand seeps into the blanket and soon clings to my hip. It brushes my stomach and goes up to my chest very slowly. His palm on my bare skin warms and electrifies me. Seeing that I don't react, he wraps his legs around my hips and kisses the back of my neck.

"Hey, we're waking up. We have class.

He tries to move away from my chest but I hold him with one hand, his contact gives me a good primitive.

"You just didn't have to keep me up all night, I'm dead." Stay.

His lips move up to my jaw. He kisses me chastely.

- If your parents surprise me again in your room, it will be difficult for me.

“We're not doing anything wrong. Please stay. I wrap my arms around his neck.

His smile fades, he kisses me briefly and gets up from our bed. He picks up his jeans without ever taking his eyes off me. He details my body exposed to his eyes while I am still dressed in my most neutral device. I don't have the faith to go to class today, I'm exhausted. Gabriel has always been much earlier than I am.

Once he fastens his shirt he pulls out his cell phone and takes a picture of me. I curl my legs up against my breasts and he can't help but laugh. He lies down again next to me and tries to relax me.

“Your smile is gorgeous,” he replies. Never let anyone take my heart away from you.

To thank him, I give him my biggest smile. I pull her towards me to give her my last kiss of the morning. He takes the time to appreciate it and so do I. Her lips are both soothing and delicious. He whispers to me that he loves me before stepping back.

I look at her jeans not tight at her hips and her disheveled hair, it makes me laugh. And then, he disappears like every morning.

****

Never let anyone take it away from you my heart.. anyone... my heart...

I open my eyes and straighten up immediately. The rhythm of my heart beats all records. I feel him explode from my chest. I watch myself in my mirror, I scare myself too. My black hair is messy and my skin is wrinkled. I think about it again, it's been a while since such thoughts occurred to me.

I was seventeen at the time, I had no idea that this night would be the cause of the upheaval of my whole life.

I look at the time, it's four in the morning. My alarm clock is supposed to go off in two hours.

I pull out a pack of cigarettes from my bedside table and light it. I breathe in this tobacco-filled air and then expel it from my lungs. I'm not sure it really helps me get rid of these depressing thoughts but it slows down my fear.

I walk slowly towards my terrace overlooking the common garden of my building and settle down there. It's cold, I'd say it's two degrees to break everything. I shiver, but this mixture of hot and cold gives me a vague feeling of well-being.

I stare at the sky for a moment, I can't wonder what Gabriel thinks of me now. He must hate me, he must hate the person I've become, but he's gone.

It's the first time in a long time that I feel so alone. I often thought of calling my sister back but for what in the end? So that I repeat the same nonsense and she breaks? Bad idea.

I have no one, I no longer have anyone. I can only blame myself, I force people to hate me. It's easier, I don't want to hold on, I don't want to anymore. I've already given myself enough to this activity.

I turn on my cell phone and list the number of friends I could call in such distress. My finger goes down my very closed contact list. She reaches the end of it, without being able to select anyone.

There's Tyler's number, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. I made him hate me too.

Tears roll from my eyes. I have no one, I have to face the facts. I thought that having no contact with others would help me, and it did, but now I feel like a great void.

I put my phone down and wipe my few tears. I miss Gabriel more than anything. Not a day goes by that I don't think what happened was my fault.

***

- Where is the office that I asked you boss?

I ignore Tyler who has been talking for a while and continues to tap away at my computer. Actually, this time I'm not researching my husband's killers or anything like that. I write rather mechanically, everything that goes through my head so that he leaves me alone.

Maybe once he understands that I'm ignoring him he'll let me go.

- Alright very well, he continues. I'm going to sit in your office.

Total failure. I continue to ignore him and tuck one of my brown locks behind my ear.

“You must be in a really bad mood. You haven't hurled a single insult or threat at me since this morning.

His deep voice is starting to annoy me. I spent a terrible night remembering my past and crying. It was stronger than me. I just wanted to be left alone today.

- Do you happen to close it?

I don't have to watch her to know that a soft smile stretches from her lips.

- When is the next mission he asks?

- Tyler! I got angry. You piss me off. You know what, I'm giving you the day off. I'm not in the mood.

I get up immediately and grab my bag. I can't work in such conditions, I'm somewhere else, I need to clear my mind and seriously.

"Are you leaving?"

I take the time to inhale a long breath of air, I push him back without giving him a look.

His hand then grabs my wrist to hold me back.

- I'm thinking of having lunch with a friend in London, would you like it?

I stare him up and down: from his tousled brown hair to his out of place Adidas. Does he know who he is talking to? I am just as much a boss as a woman who does not play in friendship. A giggle takes me at the moment.

- It's a joke I hope ?

He shakes his head.

- No I'm very serious, he says.

"While a week ago you wanted to kill me?"

- I did not want to kill you stop with that shit. I'm just asking you, I guess you're not a woman who goes out a lot, call it a co-worker date if you want.

He looks more serious than ever. I undo our contact quickly. Normally I would have said no. I would even have insulted him with all the names. But it's true that a change of scenery wouldn't hurt me today. I even felt flattered by such a proposal.

- If you insist.

***

I couldn't congratulate myself more for having taken the rest of my day for myself, and even more on this day.

We took the underground to get to our destination. I rarely take the tube, but Tyler assured me that parking near Tower Bridge was more of a hassle.

So we arrive at London Bridge station. This is where he must wait for his so-called friend.

Seeing her come, I couldn't help but cringe. I stare at her without kindness, I almost look at her. How long has he been around this kind of person? Doesn't he have a wife?

- Your friend or your sex friend? I ask while she is still far away.

He's laughing.

- Both ?

- And your wife ? I ask.

His eyes gauge me and then he looks down at me. It seems that I touched a sensitive chord. He doesn't even take the time to answer me.

- You'll love my friend, you'll see.

I breathe as the woman runs to his arms, a smile on her face. She kisses him briefly on the mouth and I can't help but look away as it sickens me. Friend ? Sex friend or girlfriend?

He also seems rushed by this intimate gesture but says nothing.

“Camila, meet my boss, Ella.

A splendid smile appears on his face. I watch him. She has black hair, a very thin waist and few forms, she is especially very tall, with slender legs. Her long green tunic gives her endless legs. She is really pretty.

"Your boss?" She doesn't look like the horrible woman you keep telling me about.

The horrible woman you keep describing to me? Pardon? But what does that mean? That I'm horrible to him?

- Do not be fooled by appearances, he lets go while staring at me with a grin.

Bastard. I give her a hypocritical smile and extend my hand to her friend. She stares at this hand before hugging me, as if we were two friends forever. I remain speechless.

We exit the tube station and soon we are walking along the banks of the Thames. It is very cold, the wind whips us in the face. I enjoy the view. The London Bridge and the Tower bridge give me a feeling of absolute power. The atmosphere around us is jovial. Djs punctuate the place with music, people talk, chat over a beer. It's very pleasant to watch. I had never seen this side of London. I wasn't looking for it either.

It is almost five o'clock, the sun is getting weaker and leaves a golden color to the buildings around us. It's golden hour.

I walk behind Tyler and the woman, silent, I really have nothing to say. We sit in an open-air restaurant/bar with an atmosphere just as pleasant as the others.

I watch the setting sun and my heart beats fast. Gabriel had promised me: we would go to every country in the world to watch the sunset. I'm willing to bet he would have photographed the landscape as it was so beautiful.

But he is no longer there.

I feel a tear fall and I have to take it upon myself not to show anything. My heart is pounding and my hands are shaking. I observe Tyler who is talking heatedly with his friend, they are so caught up in their conversation that they don't pay attention to me. So much the better.

If my ears are to be believed, they're discussing Kim Kardashian's butt: Very futile.

"And you, Ella?" Camila suddenly asks me.

- Me?

- Do you think she put how many pounds of plastic in her ass to be so big?

I pretend to choke. They are serious ? So they don't have any more existential questions running through their heads?

I shrug my shoulders. I don't know, and it doesn't interest me.

And then Camila ends up leaving, I think her mother is expecting her.

Silence immediately settles between Tyler and me. My fingers thump frantically against the table, I'm nervous. I wonder what possessed me to accept such an invitation.

"Am I going with you?" He asks.

I shrug my shoulders and stand up immediately. He pays the bill and we begin a long walk towards the metro station. We again take the path along the Thames.

I take a cigarette out of my pocket and light it. Only the laughter of the people around us governs our conversation.

Tyler eventually stops.

“Look, it's not that I appreciate your sadistic humor or anything. But that disturbs me. What's wrong ?

I blow out the air from my cigarette and stare at him. I don't really want to talk about it.

- Nothing that does not concern you, I let go.

He looks at me, surprised. He raises his eyebrows and leans against the wall.

"Okay, let's change the subject. What else is your passion? What do you like to do other than... kill men?

I start looking surprised. I step back and stare at him.

- Cut their dick, I answer tit for tat.

He rolls his eyes and I break into a discreet laugh. A laugh...

- I'm kidding. I like photography.

He seems to have trouble digesting my famous joke, he feels recovering slowly.

— Why photography?

I look at my cigarette before shifting my gaze to the town across the Thames. Photography, because Gabriel loved photography, he loved taking pictures of me, that's all.

"I must have a reason to like something now?" I let go annoyed.

He sighs and also pulls a cigarette out of his pocket. He turns it on and takes a deep breath.

Finally, even if he is only a colleague and the atmosphere is cold, I appreciate the situation. His presence makes me feel good, I exteriorize, there is nothing better.

"Why are you playing dumb?" I ask calmly as I puff smoke.

He eyed me for a moment before bursting into laughter.

- Did I say something funny maybe?

My eyebrows furrow, my face becomes colder, it calms down.

- No, but for once you ask me a question, I thought you would approach something less harsh ... But be it ... I'm not an asshole, believe me.

- You use this girl Camilla when it's obvious, she has a crush on you. You keep talking about girls as if they were falling into your arms, when you have a wife!

Unexpectedly, he smiles at me and shrugs.

- Oh, you know, since the day she called me crazy I erased my life.

My body stiffened immediately. How can he talk about his partner that way? Whatever Gabriel did to me, good or bad, I could never spit against all this happiness that he allowed me to live intensely.

- I said something wrong ? He asks me surprised, seeing that I don't answer.

- Oh no. Nothing at all, I hasten to answer with an innocent smile.

He shrugs and turns his body away from mine. He leans against the low wall and lets his gaze wander to the horizon.

- You know, I know more talkative women than you.

- I hope so.

He looks at me and starts laughing. I don't know why, but he finds it funny.

- Yeah but it's strange. I mean, Eva and Cheyenne spend their time chatting with me, even though they're completely screwed up inside. But you, it's like you're holding back.

"What do you want me to tell you?" I sigh. My name is Ella, I'm twenty three years old, my life is as dull as a koala's.

I am now the center of his attention, he smiles at me.

- I'm very moved, I think I've never known so much about you.

I tap his shoulder and he starts laughing like an idiot again. This laugh gives me a feeling of well being. It's nice, it warms me.

“Seriously,” he continues. Delighted. Tyler, twenty-eight.

- Honestly, you do eighteen mentally. Can we abbreviate and come to the why and how?

- I beg your pardon?

“Don't tell me you think I'd believe this whole charade for a moment.

He frowns.

- But still?

- What do you want ? Why do I have to lug you my presence tonight? And don't tell me that you really care about my morale.

I see a wide smile form on his lips. He turns fully towards me and relaxes his muscles. His position would be almost sexy.

“You are paranoid.

- SO? I am getting impatient. Go straight to the point. Frankly, watching you play the silly, nice man with your boss literally breaks my ovaries.

He pushes his hairstyle to the side and moves a little closer.

- I do not play, but either, there is something I want, he continues. I want you to send me on a mission, I've already told you.

A laugh escapes me and I see him grow colder, my behavior irritating him.

- What next ? I have no faith in you Leicester.

His gaze is hard, he never lowers his head. The atmosphere is dark and oppressive. My power take-off can be confusing for the people around us.

“And you should because we are a team. You have no reason to trust me either, but until you try it, you and I will never get along.

"Who tells me that you don't play it backwards for us?"

"Do you really think your boss is capable of accepting anyone into his organization?" Do you really think I would burn my fingers for bullshit? You think he doesn't know your life as well as mine?

I force myself to take my eyes off her face so perfect, her resplendent pupils.

“Besides, you need company. So as long as you don't trust me, you will remain alone and sad.

I raise my eyebrows, surprised at such an intervention.

"I beg your pardon, what kind of claim is that?" Alone and sad? Have you seen me complain once about the life I lead? Did you see me crying out for any attention from you?

He breathes for a moment and I see his upper muscles relax.

- No. But I have no doubt that inside your head it's thinking.

"Oh, are you sure you haven't taken the wrong path?" Aren't you an innate psychologist? You have some nerve, first of all I send back an image of a frustrated woman, but also lonely and sad. You're lucky that people surround us, or I'll strangle you, I reply with a most sadistic smile.

He indulges in my game and a grin gets stuck on the corner of his lips.

“Okay, then tell me. Tell me that you love your life, tell me that you are a fulfilled woman. Tell me you love hurting everyone around you. Tell me that behind this beautiful smile is not hiding a wounded soul. The other time, you called me, asking me for advice for your sister. I understood that you were not well. So you called for my help, even though it obviously failed. But it's obvious you need someone.

He stares at me intensely. His wrist holds mine firmly. All his words resonate with me and haunt me. He's right all along, I have to admit, I'm not happy. I feel like I'm killing men, but I'm not.

The fact that he comments on my smile makes me lose my senses. I immediately turn my face away and my eyes burn. Fuck it. I hate that he knows how to bring out all my demons. I try to get away from his touch but he doesn't want me to run away.

- You see ? You need someone.

- Stop it, I let go curtly.

“Only if, and only if, you seriously consider including me on the team.

I crush my cigarette against a low wall and put one of my locks back. My eyes are watery, I'm fighting against myself, trying to control myself even though I know he's right. He holds out his hand to me.

"So are you finally ready to trust me?"

My hand unconsciously slips into his and I immediately resume my professionalism. I straighten up and dare to face him completely. At worst what have I to lose? If he did it to us backwards, he'll die.

“Fine, if you insist. I might have something for you. Then we'll see if you're worthy of my trust or not.

Immediately I see what mission would be suitable for him. I smile, it's going to be cruel and enjoyable excrement. But after all, he wants to earn my trust, I have to set the bar high.