Celebrating Life

…Tyler POV…

Have patience; all things are difficult before they become easy.

And things have been really difficult; things are not getting better. Jenna has not responded to treatment, and I can see that she is losing hope.

Today is her birthday, but she cannot seem to get out of bed. She got really sick last night and has no strength left at all today. So I am sitting here and just holding her hand while she seems so peaceful as she is sleeping.

I know that she does not feel like it, but she is doing a great job. On today, I want her to know that she is the most selfless person on the face of the planet and that for 364 days a year, she puts everyone's needs before her own. But this year, on her birthday, it is about her and no one else.

For most of us, as we get older, we stop celebrating her birthday; we don't like to keep count of how old we are, but not Jenna. She welcomes it. Most people stop doing it. She, even though she only had half a birthday today, she celebrated it.

It has now been three weeks, three weeks since chemo started. Each day looks a bit different. Some are just really hard and are filled with a lot of tears. It has taken me so many days, but I have only now recently learned that it is okay and that everything is going to keep on being okay.

One thing that surprises me a bit is that we spend many days with lots of laughter. Despite what some people think, we still laugh. Maybe not quite as hard as we used to, but we even laugh. And we laugh often.

We talk about the future a lot; we talk about the babies a lot. We have come to the realization that we are going to have fun as a family; yes, it is going to be hard work, but we are looking forward to being a family. Of everything, it is the only reason that makes us look forward to the future.

I just hope that she knows that I am trying my best each day to be better. I have given up on the idea that I will ever be as strong as she is. I just can't, but then I am sure there is a lot of people that cannot either. She is the greatest of all time, and that is hard to live up to.

And there are so many that I need to live up to.

I am trying to be a better listener, even when I don't know what she is talking about and even when it is absolutely boring.

I am trying to be a better cuddler. I have always been the one that when it is time to sleep, I like to sleep and don't care to be touched. I have never done as well as she does. I have the tendency to push her away when she is spread all over my body. But now, I eventually embrace having her all over in my space.

I am trying to show more interest in the things she loves, especially the rocks that she picks up by the river that fascinates her so much. Now, I encourage her to come to display them here in the kitchen.

I am trying to be a better friend. When she became really ill, she stopped seeing all her friends. I want her to know that even if she might have lost a friend that she gained a better friend in me. If I can fill the role that they held for her, I will fill them to the best that I can. I don't think that she expects too much from me, and I hope that I am doing okay.

I want to make sure that she knows today that today is about finding ways to give her for the things that she asks. Even if it is just a cuddler, a listener, or a friend, I will give her everything that she asks for. I strive today and every day to love her more like she does.

I want to reassure her that even though we have two big fears that I will not lose hope and faith. Not even close; it will never happen.

She is the thing that brings us together; when other people give up and fall apart, she is the thing that keeps us together. Yes, it is hard at day, and sometimes we do want to give up, but all it takes is one smile, and we are stronger than we were before.

On a day like today, I want her to know that I will always take care of her. I want her to know that she is loved and that there is not a moment that there goes by that she is not. No one will ever love her more than I did.

I know that we are okay, and I have realized that it is okay to be okay. For such a long time now, I have thought that it is wrong to feel okay, that it should not be okay when you are going through something like this, but then I realized that all we need to be is okay.

So today is about celebrating everything that makes her special and deeply love. But the truth is, it is still hard. Things is not just the same this year, but today is not about comparing it to last year; it is about her and celebrating her life, who she is, and what she means to me.

And as I sit here while holding her close to me, I am reminded that today we should be joyful; even though our faces do not carry it, we should at least feel it in our hearts. She needs to know how incredible she is. I hope that she can see that. She is full of love, kindness, generosity, and patience. She is filled with hugs, beauty, and grace.

She has, what so many people never could accomplish to do, but she has made my world a better place. I love her, and yes, there are days that I miss her. She is my love and my soulmate, and no matter what, I always want her to be happy.

So as she lays here, in what seems like quiet agony, I want her to know all these and more. And as she slowly starts to open her eyes, there is that beautiful smile.

"Hey."

"Hey, yourself."

"Have you been here the whole time?"

"Where else would I be? How are you feeling?"

"A little bit better than before."

I lean in and pull her into the depths of my chest; I take a deep breath and pull her in even deeper, "I have something for you."

"I thought we said no presents?"

"No, it is not a present."

I reach over to the bedside table and hand her the love letter that I wrote earlier on this morning.

"Ah, Tyler, it is so sweet. Can I read it now?"

She does not even wait for me to answer; she rips the envelope open and starts reading out loud.

"My dear loving wife,

As you can see I have decided to go bigger than texting, bigger than the little note with the roses, and bigger even than the birthday card. I felt like writing what I know I don't tell you enough.

By the way, before we begin, I want to wish you a very beautiful birthday. Today is for you; I hope it is happy, and I will do all that is in my power to put a smile on your face. But that's not all I have in store for you.

This birthday also made me realize that time flies and that our marriage makes me as happy as ever. I wanted to tell you, or rather write you, many things in the hope that you will never doubt it.

I show you those things in my own way. Yet I seldom say them and write them less. I am aware of that. But I have come to understand that even if actions are more important than pretty words, it doesn't mean that sincere speech should be ruled out entirely. And these words make even more sense when written down. Because it makes them last, engraved in memory just like actions, and they become precious souvenirs worth keeping.

The "I love you's" whispered in your ear are indeed beautiful to hear, but they fly away the instant they are confessed. When a single handwritten "I love you," as shy, simple, or even clumsy as it may be, will stay.

Today, as a man, I am complete.

Because I am lucky enough to share your day, to be at your side for your birthday, but I am also, most of all, a happy husband, for I have the joy of sharing your life, of accompanying the woman I love.

No, you haven't misread; yes, I have indeed written it. I love you. I am not the most romantic husband in the world, nor the most demonstrative, that much I know. But what you must know is that I am a man and a husband who is totally in love with his wife. With you.

These three words, for me, are difficult to say. I chose to write them today in the hope of turning your birthday into a pretty emotion-filled moment. But I write them most of all because they are what I feel deep inside of me.

Never doubt it.

I promise that from now on I will try to tell or show you, my love, more often.

With all my love for your birthday,

Your husband."

She breaks down in tears that consume every corner of her rosy cheeks; then, after what seems to be the better half of five minutes, she looks at me.

"Tyler, I don't want to leave you behind."

Now how do I remind myself to have patience, that all things are difficult before they become easy?