5

“I’m going to take this slowly.” Dr. Pesch sat next to her bed. Vincenz had opened the window coverings wide to let the sunlight stream into the room, but it was his presence that held back the darkness. He sat on her other side, squeezing her hand.

Dr. Pesch had already given her the sedative and she felt the cottony numbness fill her from the outer edges to her center. The fear wasn’t so hard to manage. She needed to be grateful it wasn’t the same heart-pounding terror she’d wrestled with only a few hours before.

But it wasn’t enough. As much as she wanted otherwise, what had happened to her still lived inside. The memories fresh enough that she flinched and made an animal sound when Pesch held up the cap. Vincenz kissed her wrist, and Julian rubbed his hands up and down her legs where he’d settled at the foot of the bed.

Pesch fastened the nodes to her chest and set the monitoring machine. The steady hums and clicks brought a sheen of cold, sticky sweat.

“I need to put the cap on. I want you to take a deep breath and blow it out. Do it three times.” Pesch’s manner was calm and competent. But the tears still came until she closed her eyes rather than look at anyone.

The cap fit snug and the contact points shocked a tiny bit when they established contact with her brain waves. It was the oddest thing she’d ever submitted to willingly. The burn in the drip on her hand told her they’d administered the second dose of sedation. Pesch spoke to her, but it was Julian’s continual slide of his palms against her legs and Vincenz’s hand in hers that kept her eyes closed and let the oblivion of unconsciousness set in …

She surfaced two hours later, sitting straight up, nausea and cold sweat an assault. Fear clawed at her, making it hard to see as she screamed, pulling at the cap.

“Shh. Hannah, it’s Vincenz. Honey, I’m here. Calm down. Let me help you get the cap off.”

She slapped at his hands, the memories still so fresh she could taste the stench of the disinfectant they’d used back in the lab. The cold of the walls pressed against her.

Vincenz held her, gently but firmly, as he undid all the nodes in the cap and finally pulled it free.

Not a moment too soon as she rushed out of bed, tripping and falling right onto her knees as she made her way into the bathroom where she threw up the scant contents of her stomach and spent another however many minutes dry heaving.

A cool cloth against the back of her neck then drew her from the nightmare of the dream, brought her there to the place where Vincenz and Julian had let her nest and make a home.

“You’re here with us, Hannah. With me and Julian. We contacted Dr. Pesch. He’s on his way over. You surfaced quickly, he said.”

She nodded, the nausea returning at the movement. “You don’t need to stay.” She leaned against the tile, letting the shock of the cold help push the sickness back. She used the cloth to clean up.

“Of course I don’t.”

But he didn’t go.

Instead when she was ready he helped her to stand and walked with her back to bed, pulling the blankets back and helping her slide inside. The shakes came then and without a word, he got in with her and held her tight.

Dr. Pesch came in and checked her vitals. “As I explained, the first times will be the most difficult. Everything you’ve repressed since you’ve been away from the lab is really just there right beneath the surface. It’ll be the first thing you’ll have to confront. I’m sorry you were so ill when you came out.”

He was gentle and kind, making adjustments for the next round of treatment that she’d insisted she was ready for, but she was relieved when he was gone.

“You can let go, baby.” Vincenz kissed her temple. “Let yourself fall apart a little while if that’s what you need. I’m here to hold all the pieces until you’re ready.”

At every turn, when things got to be so much she wasn’t sure if she could hold herself together, one of them had been there to help her do it. Not to do it for her. But to help her do it, letting her get better on her own terms. She closed her eyes and pressed into him as much as she possibly could. The feel of his arms around her was more than comforting, it seemed integral. And so she let him be.

He’d been on his way back to the house when the sun had glinted off the wind chimes, catching his attention. Julian paused as he listened to the deep hum as the breeze sounded through the tubes, the louder resonant bong as they slid together.

She’d like that.

Julian had handed over the credits and was carrying the package to the house before he realized he’d done it.

She’d been there with them for four weeks. He and Vincenz had watched her try to regain herself. At first she couldn’t leave her room alone, and then Vin had drawn her outside to the small garden the windows in her room and the dining area overlooked.

In between her treatments, she’d made that little garden her home. Vin had brought chairs out. Had made sure she had hats and other protection from the sun. And she’d sit out there with her face tipped toward the light, at peace.

Which is where he found her when he got home.

She twisted in her seat to greet him.

“I brought you something.” He handed her the package and sat alongside her on the chaise as she opened it.

No ripping of paper from her. She always made a slow, steady study of the packaging on the various little gifts he brought home. And when she finished, she would fold the paper into whimsical shapes of all sorts.

He knew the following day there would be a bird or a horse sitting on his workstation. He’d come to look forward to whatever she’d gift him with.

“They’re chimes for the wind.” He stood, taking the chimes up. “Where would you like me to hang them?”

She paused as the breeze kicked up and the chimes sounded. “I can feel that sound in my belly.” She nodded. “There perhaps?” She pointed at the corner of the overhang at the back doors.

It was quick work and not too very long before the sounds filled the air.

“Thank you. I like it when I can hear things inside.” She said it solemnly and he knew it was a compliment.

In the time since she’d arrived, it had become his and Vin’s goal to make her happy. To help her through the rough spots. They’d opened up the family the two of them had created and she’d fit there as if she was always part of it.

It helped Julian to know that not every part of his life was dark. He found refuge in Vincenz and now with Hannah.

Vincenz looked up from his comm as Julian entered the room. Hannah lay on her bed, the treatment cap on her head, nodes attached here and there; the steady click and hum of the machines monitoring her were quiet enough for him to hear her breathe.

He stood and went out into the main room, hugging Julian.

“Hey you.” Julian smiled and dipped his head for a kiss. Soft at first, then the scratch of his beard against Vincenz’s face as he deepened and his tongue found its way into Vincenz’s mouth.

Vincenz slid his fingers into Julian’s hair, which had grown out from his usual shorter cut. It was long enough to tug to pull Julian closer. Close enough to thrust his hips, stroking his cock against Julian’s. Vincenz swallowed Julian’s tortured groan, suckling his tongue as Julian broke the kiss.

“I take it you missed me too.” He’d been out all morning with Ash Walker, another of the leaders of one of Ellis’s special teams. They’d coordinated some of their efforts and mapped a few new ideas. They’d spent a great deal of time going over the films of Julian’s interrogations back on Ceres and more recently those he’d done with some high-placed prisoners of war. They’d gained a great deal of intel and between the two of them, they’d been able to put some of their plans into motion.

It took him away from home more than he wanted, but it was his job and more and more lately it had felt as if they’d been making real headway.

“How’s our girl?” He tipped his head toward Hannah. Ever since the first treatment he’d hated the way she looked while under. Hated the way she’d held on to Vincenz’s hand as tears had slipped past her closed eyes the first several days. Hated the hard tremble in her legs and really had despised the way she’d shrank away from the cap with that sound, that hurt animal sound. It lay in his belly every time they started a new session, making him resent having to be gone.

And then the doctor had found the marks she’d scratched into her scalp. She’d explained in her medication-slurred voice that it had been her way of keeping track of time after they’d removed the tally marks she’d made on her wall multiple times. They hadn’t seen the ones at her hairline. Brilliant woman, their Hannah. But the story of it, that she’d had to mutilate herself to hold on to her sanity, burned in his gut.

“Who knows? Her vitals are fine. She’s lost that tremble she had in the early days. I hope this helps because I can’t stand the thought of her confronting all this and it not working.”

“Was it any better the second and third round?” She did her first treatment each day in the early morning and he’d been there that day before he’d gone to meet Ash. She had to follow with another just after the midday lunch and then another after the evening meal.

“She’s not crying anymore. It seems better for her now.” Vincenz paused, his Adam’s apple sliding up and down. “Still, it’s hard when she comes out of it. I had to do a vid comm with Andrei and when I’d come back she was in her corner again. Nearly tripped over her blankets to get to me when I walked in. She held on tight, trembling from head to toe, apologizing.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I’d like to kill a few people after that.”

“At least three times.” Fucking Imperialist pieces of shit. Julian wanted to hunt them all down to make them pay for Marame. For Vincenz and Carina, the children Fardelle had driven away and continued to threaten. For Hannah, who in only a little longer than a month standard had become his too. “Oh, baby. I wish I could make it better for you. For our pretty Hannah. For this fucking ’Verse.”

Vincenz brushed a kiss over his jaw before moving behind him to knead his shoulders and down his back. Julian let his anger out and put it all away. Here with Vincenz there was no need for it. Vincenz’s hands kept all that away.

Vincenz encircled him from behind, pressing his body to Julian’s back. “You do make it better. It’s what you do. It’s who you are.”

He smiled, leaning back to kiss Vincenz. “Are you flattering me so you can … have my virtue?”

“In my mouth.” Vincenz moved around to face him, leaving Julian a little breathless.

“You want my virtue in your mouth?” He ducked his head down to lick up the side of Vincenz’s neck.

“No. I want your cock in my mouth. Maybe I’ll let you put your virtue elsewhere.”

Julian laughed as he backed Vincenz up to a nearby wall, pressing himself against his body.

And then all joking had passed. Replaced by the fire of need. Need to be touched and understood.

Julian had considered a long, slow seduction that evening, but Vincenz clearly had other ideas. His hand was down the front of Julian’s trousers until he finally stopped, grasping Julian’s cock and pumping a few times.

Julian arched, fucking himself into Vincenz’s fist until the way became slicker as pre-come beaded at the slit of his cock and Vincenz gathered it with this thumb. The pleasure of each swipe of the pad of Vincenz’s thumb through that slippery, sensitive spot brought shards of bright pleasure and a tortured yes.

He wanted in. Vin’s mouth, his ass, his fist, whatever. Julian wanted to be in him, to be surrounded by Vincenz, craved that.

“Turn around. Pants down. Shorts down. Hands on the table.”

Julian swallowed, obeying. By the time he got his pants off, Vincenz had returned, placing a bottle of lube in Julian’s line of vision. Julian’s dominance was in his physicality. Vincenz … well, Vincenz liked to dominate in a different way. He used his mind, used Julian’s needs, even those he couldn’t say aloud.

To be known like that was ridiculously sexy. And reassuring.

Vincenz kissed the back of Julian’s neck as he dragged his square, blunt nails down Julian’s belly and thighs, ignoring his cock.

Urgency consumed Julian. “Hurry.” He said it knowing Vincenz wasn’t in any hurry. Knowing Vincenz would give Julian exactly what he needed, when he decided it was time.

Vincenz picked the lube up and shortly after that, the cool, slick of it slid over his hole and he may have groaned. It was hard to think with all the blood in his body currently in his cock.

“Do you know how hard it is not to just slick my cock up and thrust hard and deep into your ass?” Vincenz murmured this as he reached around Julian’s body to grasp his cock with one hand and held his own cock with the other. Brushing slowly, slowly over his hole.

He wanted to thrust back, swallow Vincenz’s cock, to feel the burn and stretch all around the invasion. Patience wasn’t his strong suit, but he knew Vincenz would reward it.

“Why are you not doing it then?” Julian rolled his hips, fucking slowly, tortuously into Vincenz’s slick fist.

“Because you want me too so badly. You want me to rush. But I want it slow. Because you feel so good.”

In time with the strokes around his cock, Vincenz used his fingertips and then fingers to stretch Julian, readying him. Never with another man had Julian given this. Had Julian received this. But with Vincenz there was nothing to do but give him all, and to take all Vincenz had given equally.

The burn gave way to the right kind of heat, especially when Vincenz found his sweet spot and stroked it while jerking him off.

“I think you’re ready.”

Julian groaned … so close …

“You’ll get there. I promise. But for now, widen your stance so I can fuck you like you’ve been squirming back on my fingers, begging me for.”

Past blushing, Julian stretched to get a better grip on the table’s edge as he stepped wider and put his cheek against the cool of the wood.

She panicked as she began to surface to consciousness, her brain quicker to respond than her body in long moments of paralysis. Then remembered and swallowed a scream.

The treatment. Yes.

The sedatives had left a dull film on her brain, leaving her thoughts sluggish. But the longer she forced herself to breathe slowly and keep calm, the clearer things became.

Things had slowly improved the longer she’d undergone the treatment. After the first week or so she didn’t panic as much when she came to. Her heroes, Julian and Vincenz, had what seemed to be a bottomless well of patience with her. They seemed to greet whatever mood she had with an ease that had allowed her to accept those quirks along with any bumps in the road to recovery.

It had been an unexpected but very needed gift. They let her get through things. If it was too much, they gave her support, but they seemed to understand how important it was to her that she do this on her own when she could. Everyone else wanted to do for her. They wanted her to do it for herself but were there if she stumbled.

Which is why she trusted them more than she would have in any other circumstance. They’d been nothing but her champions and had listened to what she needed, not just what others thought she did.

And because of them and that understanding, this time her eyes fluttered open and adjusted to the lower light of evening. No tears. The trembling in her hands and legs was gone too.

As she lay there, getting her bearings, she let herself find comfort in her room. Lights were on in the rest of the house and she could see the outline of her chair at the window. The chair Vincenz had brought her. With the wrap Julian had left on the seat for her to discover when she sought the space out to read or just daydream.

When she turned just a little she heard them.

The soft sounds of hushed speaking. Mumbling?

Her eyes fully adjusted as she set to remove the cap. And her hands stilled as she realized just what it was she was hearing.

A tremble went through her, but it wasn’t from fear. No, it was something she hadn’t felt in over a year.

Julian was bent over the worktable in the main room. The light gleamed off his bare legs and ass. Strong, powerful thighs. Tawny skin. He was so very big and braw. Vincenz stood behind him, one arm around Julian’s waist, his hand clearly on Julian’s cock.

A flush heated her neck and face.

She’d never, in her life, seen anything so beautiful. Breath quieted, she watched, unable to tear her gaze from Vincenz’s ass as he thrust forward. Until Julian groaned, ragged.

Afraid to move or even breathe loudly and break the spell, she watched, her gaze snagged on this powerfully sexy and intimate moment between her two saviors. Vincenz groaned.

“All the way in. You’re so fucking tight.”

Julian’s response was a strangled laugh. “Move. You’re going to kill me if you don’t move.”

“Wouldn’t want that.” Vincenz leaned down and kissed Julian’s neck and the tenderness of the moment tore at her. Strong, brusque Julian went soft when he was with them in private. And this … well this was beyond her wildest imaginings. Though she had imaginings in her life, she was pretty sure she couldn’t have made up something as hot as what she watched just then as Vincenz began to move, fucking Julian.

She swallowed hard as Vincenz braced his hands on Julian’s shoulders.

“Fuck your fist.”

She blinked several times and held absolutely still, not wanting to interrupt and not wanting the moment to end.

Julian moved his hand and she wished so much that she could see just exactly what he was doing then. Wondered what he looked like stroking his cock.

This was wrong. It was wrong to spy on them. She knew it. But she couldn’t look away or close her eyes even though she knew it’s what manners dictated.

Vincenz continued to murmur to Julian. “So, so good. I never imagined it could be this good.”

Julian’s movements sped and she imagined what he would feel like in her hand. She opened her fist, flexing her fingers. The wave of this newly surfaced sexual desire washed through her. Quieting the chaos. It was as if her body and her brain realized there were other things to feel. Remembered things like pleasure and joy. She did close her eyes then, against tears of relief that she hadn’t completely died inside and been left with only the capacity to survive at the basest of levels.

In the background she heard a snarl and opened her eyes to watch the last moments of this beauty between Julian and Vincenz. Heard Julian’s moan. “Gods, yes, yes, right there.” He hissed and then Vincenz’s posture straightened as he cursed.

“Can’t last. Gonna blow.”

And then he pushed in a few more times and with a long moan, stilled for several moments before pulling his shirt off and cleaning Julian up. They stood, face-to-face, smiling. They had something, and instead of envy, she was grateful to see it. Grateful to know such connection existed still in the world after she’d been in the dark for so long.

They moved into the washroom, still talking quietly, only now about work, she could tell.

When they came out, she gave them a few more minutes before she began to stir loudly enough they heard and came in.

“You’re awake.” Julian bent to kiss her. The same way he had for the time she’d been there. A brief, comforting touch to reassure her. But this time on the mouth. A whisper of a touch. And she gulped, licking across her lips and tasting him.

His gaze snared with hers and she realized she’d probably burst into tears if he apologized. Please, not pity.

“There you are,” Julian murmured as if there’d been no pause and made it better. He removed the last few electrodes carefully.

Vincenz fluffed the pillow at her back and helped her to sit up. “I bet you’d like to eat.” He kissed her temple and she scented clean sweat and Julian.

“I’m not very hungry.” Her head didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel bad. She wasn’t in pain. But it felt as if someone had riffled through it, like a drawer of clothing. Pesch had warned her, but it left her off balance and out of control.

Which wasn’t so very uncommon anyway.

“You should eat. You didn’t touch your meal earlier. But if you don’t want to, at least have a cup of tea.”

“I know you have work to do. I know where the kitchen is if I need to eat.”

“If you don’t eat what I cook, I have less opportunity to cook. It really is about me.” Julian winked and kissed her knuckles. Sex apparently made him jovial. Watching other people have sex made her sort of antsy and sweaty.

“Would you like me to run you a bath? You can do that first and then eat?” Vincenz used to brush the hair back from her face, but he seemed to realize she needed that veil to block out the world. So now he drew a fingertip down her jawline.

There was so much other stuff all the sudden. Like a ship, she mentally and emotionally listed to the side. Some of the anger had gone, but the other emotions, long repressed and absent from her life in the time she was held at the lab, had returned.

“Hey.” Vincenz simply pulled her into his embrace. “Would you like to talk about it?”

“No.” She tried to shake her head, but he held her so tight she couldn’t move. And that’s when a rush of pleasure brought a gasp from her lips. So much sensation to be held so tight. So much dark sweetness that she could struggle in his hold and it wasn’t fear. It felt so good to be totally surrounded. The sheer amount of sensation was ramped up a thousandfold. Gooseflesh broke out.

She was wrong to feel this way. Wasn’t she?

“Are you all right? Did I hurt you?” He pulled away, examining her flaming face.

“No. No.” She licked her lips and he looked, just a little too long. Was it too long? Did she imagine? Yes. It was the treatment stirring stuff up, had to be.

Hannah shook her head again, this time firmly. “You didn’t hurt me.” She could still see the way they looked together. He wasn’t interested and she was not a good bet anyway.

She needed to learn how to live again. On her own.

“I’ll run my own bath.”

Julian looked to Vincenz and it annoyed her enough to get out of bed.

“Do you want company?” Julian looked at her carefully.

That was a good question and one she didn’t know if she could answer. She did, of course, like it when they were around, but she wouldn’t be there forever.

“I can do things on my own.” She stomped to the door and turned, sorry. “I apologize. You’ve both been so good to me. I’m out of sorts right now.”

Julian snorted. “You’re entitled, you know.”

“I’m not an animal. I’m capable of acting like a human being. Eventually I’ll have to go about my life. When my parents are contacted I’ll go to them. You can’t possibly keep me here much longer. I know you have jobs to do.” Watching them together showed her they had a life. They’d let her share in it, never made her feel excluded. But the fact was, she wasn’t a soldier and they were at war.

And she felt fragile, brittle in places. To go depending on these men when that wasn’t how things worked would be stupid.

“Are you unhappy here?” Vincenz asked, simply following her into the bathing suite and opening the taps to fill the tub.

“I’m all sorts of things,” she mumbled, standing motionless in the doorway.

“This is your home as long as you wish it to be.” Vincenz walked back past and retrieved a drying cloth.

She sighed and pulled her clothes off, not thinking about it until she stood naked and his eyes skated down her body. Then she blushed. Again. “I’m sorry. I say I’m not an animal and then flash you.”

His smile settled her jangled nerves a little. “I’ve seen a lot of animals.” He shrugged. “None of them look like you.” He put his hands on her shoulders and kissed her lightly. “Get in and soak. We’ll be just outside getting a meal together and working. Come when you want to.”

She stepped into the tub and sighed at the warmth. This was something else she couldn’t seem to get enough of. Baths and showers had been totally absent while she’d been in the lab. Her entire body submerged in nearly scalding hot water was a delicious treat. Julian joked she was going to grow a tail where her legs used to be and turn into a sea nymph. She found some peace in the large bathing tub. Weightless, she could close her eyes as the water supported her, surrounding her. Like a warm, full-body hug.

She knew they’d ask her how she felt. How she thought the treatment was going. Or worse, that they wanted to ask but thought she was too fragile to say. But really she just didn’t know. She hadn’t felt normal in so long she wasn’t sure she’d even know it again. But the anger that sat in her belly like acid seemed to have lessened enough for her to take a deep breath.

She did, filling her lungs and then falling beneath the waterline to listen to the world that way. Her heartbeat thundered in her ears until she came back up. Alive still. The thing they hadn’t stolen from her.

Her anger had lessened and now she was sort of titillated by what she’d seen. The difference in how these two things felt was enough to give her pause. The memories of her life before had begun to flit around her brain and she hoped they’d settle in so she could figure out whatever it was they did to her and why.

No matter how much she’d wanted to stay in the tub and ignore the other two, the scent on the air as Julian began to cook set her system to rebel against her dumb ideas. Her stomach growled enough to make her sigh and go about the business of getting clean.