Chapter 1: Episode 6

Present

The weeks pass by, and everything is slowly falling into place. I attend my classes and rowing training, not thinking about the fact that I’m a target. I’m aware Oliver hasn’t abandoned his cruel game. He still wants to get rid of me. Dora spends a lot of time in the house Jacob’s shares with Oliver and a few other guys. When we have a chance to see each other, she gives me a full report on what’s going on over there. Only last week, she mentioned that she saw at least three girls leaving Oliver’s bedroom in the span of a few days. Mackenzie being one who left his room more often than the others.

Each time Dora mentions him and who he’s sleeping with, my gut twists with jealousy. I don’t even know why I care about those girls. They have him and they own him. He’s my dark past. He’s still living in the shadow of his brother, no matter how much he’s changed.

October passes and nothing has happened since that day in the canteen when Oliver ruined my food. I don’t see him often, and when I do, he treats me like I don’t exist. I tend not to notice him, but sometimes I feel like he’s watching me, waiting for a moment of distraction.

I stayed and he doesn’t seem bothered, but deep down I know he’s planning something. Christian was perfect in everyone’s eyes, but I saw his dark side, his sadistic games, and twisted thoughts. I understood him on a much deeper level than anyone else ever had, and that’s why he chose that time at the party to show me his true colours. The pain he caused shredded my soul and it still does. Bullying Oliver helped me deal with the nightmare of what happened. If I made him miserable, I felt healed.

Rowing training is going well. In the past week, I’ve been seeing Oliver more than I want because he’s picking Mackenzie up just after our sessions. Every time they leave, she gives me a smile, like she wants to show me that he’s hers.

I beat her a few times, but she’s much fitter than me. I don’t know what I’m trying to prove to myself. That I’m better than her? That Oliver would change his mind and look at me the way he looks at her? He’ll never forget what I did to him, and he’d never choose me.

* * *

In the beginning of November, I walk to the library hoping to study a few cases for the assignment due next month. I choose a quiet corner since I’ve got a few hours. I’m the only person in that section, and I need to get on top of my reading. Some of the classes are tough, so I need to work harder for the good grades I want.

I haven’t posted anything on my blog, but I’m planning to go to the cinema this weekend with Dora, if she hasn’t already made any plans. It will be hard to persuade her to see a horror film. The library is peaceful, and I’m glad that I’m the only one in the room. Braxton is my new home now, and it’s much more than I imagined it would be.

I’m alone for the first hour, but after that, a student takes the table in front of me. He’s studying Economics, judging from the materials he has with him. He’s tall, built like an athlete, with longish baby-blond hair and a flat nose. He stares at me for several seconds before he returns to his books.

“Hey, have you got a pen?” he asks, smiling after a few minutes of intense searching in his pockets. I reach into my bag, wondering if I brought any extra pens. Luckily, I find one and pass it to him. I have to give him points for a nice smile and his fabulous T-shirt. Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems like he has a foreign accent. Swedish or Norwegian maybe.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

I get back to my case, and he starts taking out all his books. For the next hour and a half, we both work in silence. Occasionally, I have to read the text several times because I think the guy in front of me is staring at me. I glance at him once or twice, but he doesn’t look at me. My mind wanders off to Gargle. Mum insists that I visit before Christmas, but I’m not quite sure if I can take a break, I’ve got so much coursework to hand in before December.

“Hey, I’m going to be that lame guy and ask—what are you studying?” The blond guy with the cutest accent on the planet unexpectedly interrupts my thoughts. “I’m only asking because I need to have a reason to talk to you.”

I lift my head and look into his incredible blue eyes. “I’m doing law, as you can see. Boring and predictable.” I smile back at him.

“Law. Wow, so you’re brainy then?”

“No, just determined and probably stupid. I have no idea what’s coming to me in the near future.” I laugh. My films pushed me into studying criminal law. I’m just fascinated about the power that I could gain because of who I am. “By the way, I’m going to ask a lame question. Your accent, is it—”

“Swedish. Yeah, it’s noticeable, I guess.” He chuckles.

“So, what’s a guy like you doing studying in the evenings instead of enjoying university life?” I ask, chewing my pen. It’s only the beginning of the term.

He frowns, scratching his head, still staring at me. Then he gets up and walks to the table next to me and sits down. “The same as you, trying to study, but it was just a waste of time because I’ve been distracted since I came into the library.”

“I don’t get it; this is the best place to read. It’s quiet.” I feel a little nervous talking to him. Since Christian’s death, I’ve mostly stayed away from men. I survived because I hated Oliver. I tried to date a few other guys, but after losing my virginity to some loser, I gave up on acting normal. The panic attacks kept coming back, so I decided to stay away from the opposite sex.

He smiles, tapping his pen. “It’s difficult not to get distracted if a beautiful girl like you sits in front of me.”

I blush. “Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to distract you.”

“It’s okay. I just needed an excuse to talk to you. I’m Alexander, by the way.”

“India.”

“Are you done with your reading?” he asks, getting up.

I don’t know what to say or how to react. My stomach is in knots, and I glance around wondering if this is one of Oliver’s traps, or if he’s watching me. “No, but I doubt that I could concentrate on this right now. I must have fried my brain.”

“You’ll probably think I’m crazy or rude, but I want to take you out for a coffee. I know we just met, but I might regret this for the rest of my life if I don’t ask.” He folds his large arms across his chest, likely waiting for my response.

I have to admit, his accent is super cute, and I like him being forward. My demons won’t leave me alone if I don’t even try to move on. I need to give myself another chance and just start seeing men. Not all of them are bad.

“I think that might be a bit difficult as the coffee shop is now closed. It’s after nine.” My voice cracks and I blush again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Alexander’s probably a nice guy, and I’m panicking because he took an interest in me. I need to get a grip.

He starts closing my books, smiling. His blue eyes are so different from Oliver’s. I shake my head. Stop thinking about him. He isn’t worth it.

“Don’t worry, I know where we can go.” He watches me intensely. “If you want to, that is.”

What the hell. I can do this. “Yeah, sure. Why not?”

“Are you sure?”

I pack all my books in my rucksack and push him forward. “Chill, it’s fine. I need to get out of here, anyway.”

Maybe I’m out of my mind pretending I’m emotionally stable and agreeing to go out with some random guy I just met, but I have to at least try. I can’t stay miserable for the rest of my life.

It’s raining when we get outside, but Alexander’s prepared. He has an umbrella.

I keep telling myself I’m going to be fine. Fifteen minutes later, we run to a small cosy bistro. He comes back with a liqueur coffee that I accept with a smile.

We start chatting away, and soon I realise that Alexander is a decent guy who’s been in the UK for a while. He studied in Braxton last year and loved it so much that he decided to come back for the next year. He’s originally from Oslo, studying Economics. Alexander sounds like he really wants to get to know me. He asks the right questions and doesn’t talk about himself all the time.

“So, your friend Dora bailed on you for that new hot guy?” he asks, once I go over my past few weeks on campus. Dora’s always a hot topic, and I wish she could be here with me. She knows how to behave when it comes to guys. She can just wrap them around her little finger. Dora’s an expert in flirting, like I used to be—before that terrible party at Christian’s house.

Sipping my amaretto coffee, I start ranting about films and my blog for about half an hour. When I finally let him say something, he shares with me his obsession with extreme sports. It turns out that he’s some kind of adrenaline junkie. He’s doing a bungee jump next month somewhere in Cornwall. He lives in the south part of the city with a few French guys. We talk for a while, and before we even know, it’s after eleven and I need to get going as I have an early lecture.

He walks me to my apartment. “I had a really good time. Is it all right if I take your number?”

I hesitate. I have this odd gut feeling that I should say no, but Alexander seems like a nice guy.

He narrows his eyes, watching me closely. “Okay, I’m backing off. I know I shouldn’t ask, but I feel like I’ve known you for years.”

“It’s okay, of course. I’m such an idiot. I had a really good time as well.”

Alexander types his number into my phone and smiles. “You’re not an idiot; you’re just careful, I presume.” He stares straight into my eyes. “I’m taking you to the cinema this weekend…of course, if you don’t have any other plans.”

“That sounds good. I really want to see that new horror film, and I don’t think Dora would go. She’s not a big fan of scary movies.”

He laughs. “We got a deal then.”

I turn around and walk back to my apartment, and he goes on his way. Once I get in, I try to take a few deep breaths because my heart beats faster with every step. I can only hope it’s not another panic attack. I don’t think I can handle any more disappointments. Our attraction is mutual. Alexander wouldn’t ask me out again if he wasn’t interested.

Instead of dwelling on what’s going to happen, I take a long bath and call Dora. After all, she’s my best friend, and when I tell her what’s happened tonight, she nearly has a flip. She’s going to ditch Jacob tomorrow and meet me for lunch to discuss my new hot crush.

When I finally get her off the phone, I go to sleep wondering if I’ll be able to handle the date.

Then I remember the past and the way I treated Oliver.

Past

Me and the rest of my pack had been spreading rumours around school that Oliver had an STD. Girls believed me even though I knew that Oliver didn’t sleep around. It was just easier to hate him, rather than carry on being friends with him and pretend nothing had happened. Last week he was beaten up by Big Richard because he stared at him too long. I should have felt bad, but when I saw Oliver’s face this morning, I felt liberated from the pain his brother had caused me. My physical wounds were healed, but I’d been left with large burn patches all over me. I lost the ability to function that night, and even after my mother informed me that Christian died, I didn’t feel better. The relief sank in later. That night, I wanted to slash my wrists and die. I told no one. Instead I held onto the secret, kept it to myself, and lived with the nightmare and pain. After all, Christian was now dead, so he couldn’t pay for what he’d done.

Hurting Oliver was just part of the healing process. When I passed him in the corridor, he looked at me with those empty eyes, expecting me to apologise that he was beaten up. I was the only one who knew the rumours about the STD were false, but I carried on hurting him, fighting for my own survival and not caring about the pain I was causing him. Because it made me feel better.

The first couple of years, I thought I loved him unconditionally. Then after Christian’s death, I hated him. He never understood why, but it was better that way. He never reacted when I insulted him in front of the girls, he just stood there, watching me like it was all my fault that he couldn’t stand up for himself.

Present

When I meet Dora later on for lunch, she doesn’t stop nagging me with questions about Alexander, while Jacob stares at her like she’s the only girl in the canteen. Today is my second official date with Alexander, and I’ve been chewing my nails all day, wondering if I should cancel. We’re going to the cinema, but still, I have that bad gut feeling like something isn’t going to go according to plan and I’ll screw everything up. People are staring at me, more than usual. I feel like I’m under surveillance twenty-four-seven, like people are waiting to see how Oliver’s going to win his bet.

It’s just after lunchtime, when I see Oliver walking in with Mackenzie, scanning the space. I don’t know if he notices me, but he tightens his grip around her shoulders, heading towards the opposite side of the canteen. He seems relaxed and happy. I’ve never seen him like that, not even when his brother was alive. I try to spot Alexander, but he doesn’t seem to be around.

“Oh, India, are you even listening?” Dora breaks me away from my thoughts about Oliver.

“Yeah, sorry. I am now,” I reply, pulling my hair in a tight knot. It seems like every girl in this room is aware that Oliver’s here. Most of them are staring, the others whispering or giggling nervously. People used to react like that when I walked into the room. Others were aware of me because of Christian. He had power and people looked up to him—but I was the only one who knew about his dark, vicious side. No one else.

“So, what’s the deal with that Swedish guy? I thought you didn’t want to date at all.” She stares at me intensely, waiting impatiently for my response.

I glance around and lower my voice. “Dora, can we not have this conversation in front of Jacob? It’s kind of personal.” As soon as I start, Jacob leaves her table to talk to a group of guys.

“Chill out. Jacob’s fine. He’s on your side, so don’t worry about him.” She waves me off like it’s no big deal talking about my personal life in front of her new boyfriend—who’s also a friend of the guy who made a bet to destroy me. Yeah, this can’t get any more promising.

“If you want to talk to me, then I’ll be home after twelve.” I stand from the table.

“But, India! I want to see him. Don’t be a bitch, come on,” she calls after me. But I ignore her. She can’t keep her mouth shut. A few people glance at me as I pass by carrying my tray.

Before I turn toward the bins, I trip over something and fall on my face. My tray flies through the air in slow motion, sloshing food everywhere. I crash to the floor, making a hell of a noise. For a split second or two no one reacts, as I try to pick myself up off the ground.

“Sorry there. I didn’t see you,” someone says, and I hear laughter erupting all around me. I turn to see a tall dark-haired bloke, smirking. Then he gives a thumbs-up to someone on the other side of the canteen. I follow his gaze, pissed, but my jaw drops when I spot Oliver, who’s laughing with Mackenzie and nodding towards the bloke.

A cold sweat covers my body from head to toe; our eyes meet only for a moment. He looks satisfied and humoured by my humiliation. Everyone in the canteen is staring and laughing at me. I get to my feet, trying to cover my scarlet face. I run towards the entrance, forgetting about the food, still hearing Oliver’s laughter behind me.

He should be satisfied. He got what he wanted. I fell and made myself look like a right idiot. God, I hate Oliver so much that it hurts. I’ve been squashing the truth deep inside me when he was around, not able to let it go.

A year after he vanished from Gargle, I bought a ticket to Edinburgh. I was ready to see him. I had a year to think about what I’d done and the way I’d treated him. A year to gain the courage to tell him the truth. The day I was scheduled to leave, I went to see his mother to tell her what I planned. When I got there, she was lying unconscious on the sofa with a bottle of pills in her hand. That day I didn’t go anywhere. I stayed until the ambulance came, and then later, her husband. I wrote more letters, but again, I never had the guts to send them.