Chapter 1: Episode 5

Past

Christian and Oliver showed up at my school when I was around ten.

Their mother went to talk to the headmaster, and she asked them to wait for her on one of the benches outside my class. On the break between classes, Oliver kept looking at me, but it was Christian who came up to me first and introduced himself. I wanted to be friends with them because they were older and not from Gargle.

We became best friends shortly after that. Christian was loud, confident, and he obviously liked me. Oliver was just a boy who was easy to talk to. He was quiet, lost in his own thoughts, and liked to keep away from others.

They didn’t have an easy life. Their mother had bipolar disorder. She shouted and threw things all over the house during her low times. It seemed to happen most often when she’d had too much to drink or when she fought with her husband. And being alone as often as she was didn’t help her mental health. Mr. Morgan always worked long and unsociable hours, travelling around the world with his business. He didn’t seem to care about his family; to him, his business was more important.

When I was fifteen, Christian kissed me and told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Everyone always knew we would end up together, but it took me a year to realise I didn’t love him. I preferred his younger brother. My heart raced every time I saw Oliver. But I was a coward. I didn’t want to say no to Christian. He was an athlete and popular. Everyone in school was afraid of him. I was confused, but I hid my emotions well—no one knew my true feelings.

I carried on going out with Christian, afraid I would lose all my friends if we ever broke up. Oliver was a loner, and people didn’t like him. He’d always lived in Christian’s shadow—even at home. No one would ever understand that I wasn’t happy, so I just continued as Christian’s girlfriend.

If Oliver knew the truth about his brother, maybe he’d understand my behaviour from a few years ago. Maybe he’d understand why I’d treated him as I had.

Present

It’s just after six the next day when I emerge from our apartment, glancing around, and wondering if anyone is watching me. Today is my first rowing session and I’m excited. Dora hasn’t even come home since Tuesday, so I assume she’s spending another day with Jacob. I shake my head, telling myself Oliver has better things to do than watch me. He’s part of my toxic past and I have to forget him, put him out of my mind.

I hate his new look. I hate that he’s that hot handsome guy everyone admires. He has everything that Christian had in high school. Girls hang all over him. It’s my fault we can’t even talk to each other now. After what happened with his brother, I told him he failed me, and I treated him like dirt, like I didn’t have a heart. He didn’t fight back and accepted the monster I’d become. Now I regret that I lost my soul; I should have told him the truth. When I first got here, seeing him pulled me right back into my old insecurities and nightmares. I accept what he’s doing; after all, it’s nothing new. I was like him two years ago, except I was the one in control.

I reach the gym, feeling slightly nervous. I’ve been looking forward to this all week. I sign in at reception and change quickly, wondering if I’ll be the only one from the first-year students.

I approach a group of girls. “Hey, I was told that this is the practice for the rowing team?”

“Yes, great you could make it. Let me introduce you to everyone,” a tall girl says with a bright smile. “This is Piper, Jenna, Olivia, Mackenzie, and I’m Joanna.”

I nod to everyone, and we start chatting about my experience. I notice that Mackenzie stares at me a bit longer than everyone else. Then I realise she’s the girl from the party, the same girl Oliver was kissing in front of me. She stares, eyeing me from head to toe. Mackenzie’s pretty, with long blond hair and a perfect waist. I’m used to being fit, but this girl looks like she works out at least five times a week. She has a full-glow tan and large, bow-shaped lips. Oliver never had a girlfriend before, but obviously he has one now. I’d shamefully spread rumours in high school that he was gay and had an STD. That was why all the girls stayed away from him. Now he’s not only popular, but it seems like all the girls are ready to jump into his bed.

After our short chit-chat, we take our places, each in a rowing machine for a short warm-up. When Oliver left Gargle, I ditched the cheerleading squad and started training in rowing. I felt like I needed to push out the pain and frustration, so I killed myself on the rowing machine. Oliver was gone, and the memories from that night at the party kept hunting me down. After a few months apart I wanted to write to him and apologise, but I never sent the letters.

When he was no longer around, I kept going to talk to his mother, feeling that in some small way, I could ask for his forgiveness. Oliver’s mother was always alone in the house, one son dead, the other on the other side of the country, and a husband who was never at home. Our conversations went on for hours, but I never revealed that terrible secret that’s haunted me since her son’s death. I helped her to make friends and feel better about herself, because it felt (in a strange sort of way) like I had Oliver back, and I was somehow making amends for being so cruel. During the two years that he was gone, he never visited his mother, but I continued visiting, ready to apologise to him if he showed up. She never told me he changed his mind about Scotland.

At the time, pain shattered through me, punching me in the gut each morning when I opened my eyes. I slowly began to withdraw from all the parties and, most importantly, from my cruel nature until I became a new person, the one I am now.

Mackenzie’s voice brings me back to the present. We have to do five miles so she can figure out what level each of us are on. That’s only half of the team, though—the rest of the girls have a session after us. Our coach is a middle-aged Eastern European guy in his forties. He seems cool enough.

I feel great after the session. All my muscles are pleasantly numb. I change quickly, as I need to do some grocery shopping before I get home. Dora never bothers to think about supper. I need to remember to check if she’s actually coming home this evening.

“Hey, India, right?” A melodic voice stops me, just as I’m about to walk out of the changing room. I turn around to see Mackenzie watching me again. I don’t get this girl. Why does she need to check me out all the time?

“Yeah, hey, what’s up? Did you enjoy the training?” I feel a little insecure standing in front of her with no makeup on.

She lifts her left eyebrow and smiles. It’s not a nice smile, either, but one of those mean ones. I’ve only seen her twice, but my intuition tells me that she always gets what she wants.

“I’m not here to chit-chat with you about the rowing competition… that I’m going to win.” She smiles again. I hate that smile.

“I don’t get it.” I shrug my shoulders.

She smirks, tossing her perfect blond hair behind her. “I just wanted to see what was so special about you.”

“I’m sorry, but you’ve lost me.”

“From what I’ve heard, Oliver’s adamant about making your life a living hell.”

I try not to let on that her words affect me, but it’s not easy. I feel like the world is spinning too fast and I can’t do anything to stop it.

“Listen, Mackenzie, I don’t really care about Oliver. If he wants to play games, then that’s fine.” I take a breath, feeling anger rise inside me. “I worked my ass off to get here, and I’m not going to leave just because of some stupid bet.” I might be pushed to a point, but after that, I’ll fight back. “What’s it to you, anyway?”

She doesn’t smile anymore but looks at me like I don’t deserve Oliver’s attention. “I’m interested in him. And I’d be careful if I were you. Oliver’s going to win no matter what, so I’d pack today and get the hell out of here. I’m telling you this as a friend.” She stares at her nails and then back at me.

“You aren’t my friend and I’m not leaving, so you can tell him to bring it on… Whatever it is he wants to do.” I don’t wait for her to respond and turn on my heel, leaving the changing room.

As darkness falls on the streets, I walk home, still clenching my fists. It’s official: Oliver will do anything to pull me back into misery. Maybe I should be worried. First Dora, now Mackenzie. Things really must have changed since he left Gargle. He’s much more confident, and he’s running the show around here.

I stop in the supermarket and do a bit of basic grocery shopping. Then I head home, feeling completely deflated. The apartment is empty. Dora just texted me saying that she isn’t coming home tonight, that she’s in the south part of Braxton with Jacob. I never thought I would be sitting alone with no one to talk to, regretting what I’d done, that I’d hurt Oliver so much in the past. After Christian’s death, my coping mechanism stopped working when the pain began tearing me apart.

After doing some reading for a few of my classes, I dial Mum’s number. I’ve only spoken to her once this week. Mum finished work a few hours ago—she’s probably watching soaps with my sister.

She picks up straightaway. “Hey, Indi.”

“Hey, Mum.” I feel a little homesick when I hear her voice.

“So, are you going to tell us all about Braxton? You’ve been awfully secretive lately,” she says in her usual high-pitched tone.

“Classes started, I got my timetable sorted, and I went to my first rowing session today,” I announce proudly.

“That’s great, sweetie. How is Dora settling in? Do you like the campus?”

I don’t respond immediately, wondering if I should mention anything about Dora already finding a new boyfriend. Mum knows Dora, but I don’t think she realises that my best friend doesn’t settle in well in strange places without the company of men. “She’s dating someone. A guy from the rugby team.”

“Dora isn’t wasting her time, I see. So how did she meet him?”

“By accident. Oliver threw a ball, and it hit me, and—”

“Hold on. Oliver? Do you mean Oliver Morgan? Christian’s brother?” She automatically makes that terrible assumption. Mum can tell I’m talking about “my” Oliver because of my tone of voice. She always used to ask me why I went out with a guy like Christian. I want to bite my tongue and just forget about what I said, but I know Mum won’t let me.

“Yeah, turns out he’s here in Braxton.” I keep my voice quiet as heat blazes down my spine. Even talking about him brings an unexpected twist in my stomach, a warmth I can’t get away from.

“Indi, what’s he doing in Braxton? I heard from his mother that he was in Scotland.”

“That’s what I thought,” I mutter. “But now he’s here, Mum, and he’s changed. He cut his hair, started working out, and he plays rugby.”

“I sense you aren’t very happy about that, Indi. From what I remember, you guys kind of drifted apart.” Mum always knows what’s going on in my life, even if I don’t. She knew I stopped talking to him right after Christian’s death.

“He’s nothing like he was in high school. Here, he’s the captain of the rugby team, and the girls hang all over him. Dora thinks he’s amazing, but I’m annoyed he ended up in Braxton. He knew I always planned to go here.”

“Maybe that’s why he’s there, because of you. I haven’t seen his mother in quite a while, but he had a scholarship in Scotland. He was doing really well, so I don’t understand this sudden move.”

She’s right. Oliver’s decisions are confusing. He’d always been interested in politics, and he was adamant about moving far away from his family. That’s why he ended up in Scotland. He achieved that, but I don’t understand why he decided to throw all that hard work away. Dora mentioned that he’s studying Sports and Management. I’ve known him half my life—he’s never been interested in sports, until now, obviously. He couldn’t even kick a ball. This doesn’t make any sense. Maybe Mum’s right; maybe Oliver moved here because of me, because he wants revenge.

But even if I agree with her, I don’t intend to drag her into the subject of Oliver. “I don’t think I have anything to do with his decision. We don’t talk, Mum, and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

Mum and I chat about my classes, about Braxton, and my plans. Mum has been out with a few guys, but she isn’t dating anyone seriously. It’s been nearly five years since Dad died, and she’s finally starting to return to normal. Then I chat with Josephine a little. My sister is currently studying for A-levels. She wants to be a doctor and plans to come to Braxton in a few years.

Later, I curl up in bed with my books and text Dora, trying to find out if she’ll be home tomorrow. She assures me that she needs a little time for herself, so I should expect her at home.

Then I fall asleep thinking about Oliver, wondering if deep down he really wants payback for what I’ve done to him in the past. It’s been two years. Maybe it’s time to let go. We’ve both changed, but he still doesn’t know what happened to me at that party.