uncontrollable

4 months after the challenge

I glance at my reflection projected on the window. I don't look like much with my hair styled in a hurry, my expressionless face and my gaze revealing how lost I am. I would have liked it to rain, it will go perfectly with my mood for some time. I turn my head to the groups forming in front of the fraternity. I have no desire to join them, not after what happened.

I hear the door open slowly. The idea that someone has come to resonate with me so that I can come party with them does not please me more than that. I don't want to celebrate anything without him, especially not the end of college. It would be like saying goodbye to all those memories in this house, my memories with him.

I think I need to put words to what I feel. I have never felt so devastated by someone's departure and I find it difficult to get up.

-I never thought I could love a boy. Do you believe it ? Me, the guy who sleeps with all the girls who pass in front of my eyes, I look at the sky without looking at it too much, No, I'm not gay if you're wondering. It's just him. Yes, just him. I will never love another guy, it's impossible.

I stop for a few seconds, I feel my eyes mist up. He had become so much to me that I still can't believe he was gone. I need to say it out loud, maybe it will make me realize he's not by my side anymore.

-But he's gone now, leaving me here, alone, without him. I don't even know who I really am anymore, it turned everything upside down. And when he left he took everything with him except my memories, I let out a nervous laugh running a hand through my hair, I can't even pretend to be happy to have finished my studies because I know that 'he won't be there to celebrate. I know that at this precise moment I lookpitiful but I don't care. Nothing really matters to me anymore.

I stand there in front of this window looking at all these young graduates who are happy to have graduated. Why did he have to leave? Him, the guy I fell in love with. Him, the guy who completely changed me. The one who showed me that falling in love wasn't something I should run away from.

I put on my best suit, the one he liked best. I had bought it especially for the evening of the graduation ceremonies where I had to go there, accompanied by him. But that will surely not happen. I sigh for the thousandth time since this morning, I can't get him out of my thoughts.

The young man behind me hasn't said a word since he arrived. I guess he came to see me like every day since he left without expecting anything from me.

He takes the floor to do nothing but always repeat the same thing for a few weeks.

- I'm sorry, it's because of me. I should never have challenged you. You can't even imagine how much I regret all this. If I had known...

- If you had known, what would you have done? Nothing, absolutely nothing. You've always been like that, throwing challenges right and left without worrying about the consequences, I declare in a cold tone.

-You are my best friends! If I had known it would go this far, I would never have launched this stupid challenge, he cries, not angry but disconcerted by what I have just said.

I know I'm hurting one of my best friends by acting like this but it's stronger than me. He is the cause of everything that has happened. It's been a few weeks since the challenge ended and I haven't heard from him. His hasty departure touched me so much that the minute he said goodbye to me I collapsed. All because of this challenge, because of the guy standing behind me. I don't even know how we got there, so many things have happened.

-You know the worst part of all this is not this stupid challenge. No, that's not it... But the fact that I fell in love with this jerk, this coward and let him go without saying anything, I say, banging the wall next to the window with my fist.

-He loved you too, I'm sure! It was visible, it was obvious, he replies.

-Really ? So why are you using the past like it'll never come back! If he doesn't come back, I conclude that he never loved me, I shout in a hateful tone.

-I...

-I can not stand it anymore! I've been going crazy since he's been gone. I'm not interested in any girl, I've given up on rugby, I don't do anything during my days. My life doesn't look like fucking shit anymore!

I hit the wall again and I feel blood dripping. But I don't care, it doesn't matter to me. I need to vent my anger, my sadness and my lack of him.

- Go away, leave me alone.

- No, I'm afraid for you. He wouldn't want that, he whispers.

-Whore ! But what do you know about what he would like or not?

-I...

- Get off James! , I scream with all my might.

I feel him take a step back. He will end up leaving one day or another. James doesn't like to see me angry and he knows what I'm capable of. I'd rather scare him into leaving than hurt him.

"I don't want to hear from him anymore..." I whispered to myself.

"If you ever need anything, we're all downstairs," he said in a reassuring voice.

He sighs in exasperation, he doesn't know what to do with me anymore. I hear his footsteps move away and then the door closes.

-I hate him..., I say aloud to try to better convince myself of this lie.

I can't help but love him despite the fact that he abandoned me. I can't hold back the tears that escape from my eyes.

I hear laughter and shouts of joy through the window. I turn helpless in the face of so much joy. I let myself slide slowly against the wall. I have no more strength, I come to a point where I tell myself that I will not be able to live without him. My hand is bleeding but I love this pain. It reminds me that I'm alive. It reminds me that it was not a dream, all those nights spent by his side and his kisses existed. No, I didn't dream all that.

-Come back to me, I said in a last sigh.