Chapter 3: What a bloody mess

Lilly's P.O.V

Flashback

I can't do this! There's no way that I can do this without Killian, I won't survive on my own like this!

"Why won't she stop crying, I've done everything, but she just won't stop crying?!"

I was pacing back and forth, wearing out the already thin floorboards of the crappy apartment that Noah got for us to stay in. He said that we needed to keep a low profile until all the drama that Killian and I caused died down. Anyway, the horrible state of the apartment was not my problem, the crying six weeks old baby in my room was.

I was beginning to feel very frustrated, I hadn't had a good night sleep in a very long time and it was beginning to tell on me. Even since my 48 hours of labour, my life has changed drastically, I suddenly found myself the mother of a very demanding little person that doesn't know when to shut up. And to top it off, I had a scared little girl who was left alone in the world to fend for herself, counting on me to protect and keep her safe. How was I supposed to be there for her when I couldn't even be there for myself?

"Angel, you need to calm down, you're only going to freak her out more if you continue like this. Maybe she hungry, have you tried feeding her?"

I turned to glare at him. I wasn't a complete idiot, of course, I tried feeding her but she just wouldn't stop crying.

"I've tried everything, Noah, everything! She just hates me; every time I go near her she screams like I'm the devil."

I was an emotional wreck, I haven't been eating properly and I'm sure I was dehydrated. On numerous occasions, I've even considered ending my miserable existence, but it was only the thought of disappointing Killian that kept me going.

"She doesn't hate you,"

He reached for me, intending on offering support but, even since I lost Killian any touch from Noah felt like a betrayal to him. I stepped out of his embrace, wrapping my arms around myself. He dropped his arms with a heavy sigh, and we just stood there looking at each other until the apartment suddenly got quiet.

At first, I was relieved, but then I got concerned because a few seconds ago, Rose wouldn't stop crying. Both Noah and I rushed to my bedroom, only to find Freya sitting on the bed with Rose in her arms, rocking her to sleep.

I was happy that she was no longer crying, but I was distraught that my own daughter hated me, and to be completely honest, I wasn't sure that I very much cared for her either.

The only reason I allowed myself to get pregnant in the first place was to make Killian happy. I wanted him to have the family that he never had, but then that bitch Natasha took him away from me, now I have to raise our child on my own.

It wasn't long before she was sleeping, and to avoid waking her up, I let Noah be the one to put her in her cot. I smiled at Freya, telling her thank you as she got up to leave the room. She returned my smile, shyly before running to her own room.

I turned and left the room, I just couldn't bear to spend one more moment in that room. Noah followed right behind me, he had a pitiful look on his face which I did not care for.

"Don't give me that look, Noah, I don't want your f**king pity!"

He tried to touch me again and I lost it. My emotions were very high and I needed an outlet, so I decided that at the moment, he was it.

"Stop f**king touching me! Don't for a minute think that because you're being nice to me that I'm going to let you f**K me!"

Maybe my outburst was uncalled for and maybe that wasn't a very nice thing to say to the guy that basically been keeping me sane since seeing Killian get shot, but at the moment, I didn't really give a shit. I was hurting so I wanted to make him hurt too.

His look would have broken my heart if I wasn't acting so crazy and caught up in my own feelings. But his devastated look just made me laugh, and strangely made me feel better, so I continued with my insults uncaringly.

"What, Noah, you thought that since I was vulnerable you could take advantage of me? You thought that I would be a grateful little whore and fall right into bed with you? Is that it, is that what you thought? Well, think a f**king again!"

Deciding that he's had enough of my insults, he took two steps towards me, grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me.

"Shut the f**k up before I say or do something that we both will regret! I've done nothing these past nine months but be at your back and call whenever you needed me, and I've asked for nothing in return. I left a job that I f**king love and transferred to this god-forsaken town so that the FBI wouldn't find out about you, and all I get for my troubles is attitude!"

He let go and took a step back, running his hand through his hair.

"Look, I understand that you lost the love of your life, and by no means do I want to replace him, but the lease you can f**king do is be nice to me once in a while. I don't know how much more of this f**kery I can take before I go completely batshit crazy myself."

I don't know what was the matter with me, but I just wanted to push him. I wanted to get him mad or angry, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out why.

"So, what are you going to do then Noah, leave? Are you going to abandon us to this hellhole and go back to the job that you f**king love so much, is that what you're going to do?! Tell me Noah, is that what you want to do?!"

"Stop putting words in my f**king mouth, I never f**king said that! I'm not leaving you, I would never leave you."

I ran into him and started pushing and banging on his chest, I was fast losing control and heading down a speeding train to the loony bin.

"Of course, you would, just like he did! He promised to never leave me too, but what the f**k did he do in the end...he left me in this world to live without him!"

I felt pain so strong that it became crippling. I had to put my hands over my heart because it felt like it wanted to rip right out of my chest. My eyes became blurred to the point that I lost my vision for a while, which cause me to fall to the floor. My entire body radiated with pain that the only thing I could do was curl up into a foetal position.

I wanted to die, I thought that I was dying. It was like my entire system decided all at once to mourn the loss of Killian. Noah called my name and tried to get me to stand, but a simple touch from him felt like I was being burnt by acid. I screamed and crawled away from him, backing as far up into the corner as I possibly could.

All through my screams and cries, I kept chanting to myself that it was all my fault that Killian was dead.

"I killed him! If I didn't ask for his help he still would have been alive."

"No, you didn't, you weren't the one who pulled that trigger, you weren't the one who led him to that house intending to kill him. You can't blame yourself for this, he wouldn't want you to."

I thought about what he said, and just like that the pain stopped, and all at once my entire body was in agreeance that I wasn't the one to blame.

I sat up, "You're right, this is not my fault, I didn't cause his death, Natasha did and I'm not going to feel better until she's dead."

Noah's eyes widened, and he started shaking his head from side to side. My seriousness must have shown in my eyes because, a scared, horrified look entered his.

"Angel, you have to leave it up to the authorities, and don't even think about doing anything stupid."

I didn't reply to him, there was nothing that he could say or do to make me change my mind. Natasha had to die, and I was going to be the one to do it!

End flashback

"Do you know who I am?"

The poor soul looked like she wanted to wet herself, but the guy that was with her was acting brave. Obviously, he didn't know who I was.

I asked my question again, but this time it was not so nice. "I said, do you f**king know who I am?!"

She nodded her head, looking everywhere by my face, which I found highly irritating.

"It rude not to look at someone when they are talking to you."

Her head snapped to me instantly, but the guy still refused to give me the respect that I've come to earn. I ignored him because at the moment she was the one with the information that I needed.

"That's much better. Now, Mary, can I call you Mary?"

She nodded her head vigorously, "You see Mary, I'm not one for hurting people unless they push me to, and I'd very much like it if we all can go home alive tonight. So, why don't you make it easy on me and tell me where Natasha is hiding?"

Mary looked scared, I could tell that she wanted to confide in me, but the guy at her side kept shaking his head, warning her not to saying anything. Levi moved to knock him out, but I signalled for him to stay put. I knew that Levi did not like the blatant disrespect that he was showing to me, but I wanted to be the one to show Mary how far I was willing to go for my cause.

I sighed, "Do you think I enjoy being here? Right now, I could have been at the fundraiser that my daughter has put together for her school in order to get better faculties for the less fortunate kids, but instead, I got pulled away just when she was about to make her speech. So, I'm going to ask you one more time Mary, tell me where Natasha is."

She opened her mouth, but Mr brave beside her yelled at her, telling not to say anything.

I smiled, although my patience was wearing thin, "Is he your boyfriend Mary?"

She nodded, and I carefully got one of the knives off of the table that Levi brought out. Her eyes widen and Mr Brave puffed up his chest...idiot.

I twisted the blade in my hand, testing the sharpness with the tip of my finger.

"I wasn't really a fan of knives, it was more my husband's thing, but after he died, I kind of gotten used to it. it brings a sort of comfort, makes me feel closer to him in some way."

Levi instantly knew what I intended to do, so he stepped forward and held the boyfriend down. When I turned and finally face the boyfriend I could see that slowly his bravado was slipping away, and the reality of the situation he was in, hitting home, but it was already too late for him.

Without feeling anything, any remorse or pity, I brought my knife to his neck and with one swift movement severed his carotid artery. Blood was spraying everywhere, Mary started screaming, trying her best to wipe the blood off of her face.

Levi let him go and his lifeless body fell to the ground, then he offered me a rag to wipe the idiot's blood off of myself, which a readily accepted.

"I'm sorry Mary, but you'll have to find a new boyfriend the last one was an idiot who didn't have your best interest at heart."

She looked at me with fear and hatred, but there was also a determined look that was there too. I knew that she didn't intend to tell me anything, and I wasn't in the mood to play games, so I didn't even bother asking the question again. instead, I give her the same faith as her boyfriend.

I was tired and I wanted to go home to my kids, so I left Levi to do all the tidying up.

"Good job tonight, Levi, tell the boys that payment for a job well done will be in all of their bank accounts by tomorrow."

He smiled, pleased with the compliment, "Sure thing, Boss. And one more thing, do you need me to get Vicky to take you home, she wouldn't mind at all."

I laughed, "Vicky is eight months pregnant, the last thing she should be doing is driving, but thanks for the offer anyway."

"No problem, Boss, you have a nice night."

I left the tunnel feeling like Natasha was winning once again, but this time I wasn't going to go down without a very bloody fight. This book of ours was going to end one of two ways, either she dies or we both die. Whichever way it ended, Natasha's death was imminent.