Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Wesley

I debated going to the repast after the service or not, but eventually decided it was more important to quickly get some food for Aerial since she had not eaten since breakfast. Now I’m wishing we had just gone home for my own sanity.

I tend to only be able to take people and crowds in small doses, and I am reaching my limit. Aspyn arrived a little late with her oldest son and having her and my parents at the table is helpful, but I should wrap this up before it ends with me doing or saying something I will end up regretting. Which is generally how these situations end.

I am just finishing settling Ariel with her plate and watching to be sure she is eating when I hear someone say, “I would ask if this is her, but I don’t need to; she looks just like her father.”

I look up to see who is speaking, and a middle-aged couple with their teenage son is standing in front of our table, the woman's eyes are swimming with tears when she continues. “I didn’t even know he had a child until we got here yesterday; Laura never said anything.”

I am unable to place the woman for a moment then recognize that she is Erik’s aunt, his mother's much younger sister. I feel myself tense, ready for a confrontation. She must sense that because she holds up her hand in a gesture of surrender.

“You have nothing to fear from me. Laura and I haven’t been close for a long time. I'm Janet, by the way. This is my husband, Andrew, and our son, Hunter.” She gestures to both men, respectively. “Would…would you mind if we joined you? We don't know anyone else here, and I really want to keep as little company with my sister as possible. “

“Of course,” my mother nods her head with a smile, saving me from speaking. “I remember you from the few times you came to the house for baseball gatherings or to pick Erik up when the boys were kids.” The ladies reminisce and I start to remember more about this aunt.

She is much younger, as I said. At the time was in a tough age of not relating to her older sister, but still too old to truly hang out with Erik and his friends. She only came to town a few times then stopped when she started dating Andrew. Once they got married, she invited Erik their home for school breaks and a week or so every summer, and I distinctly remember that he could never wait to go and talked about it for a weeks after he came back.

When he was mature enough to really articulate his feelings, he said it was because they were so different. He could hardly believe Janet and his mother were related. That people think money is everything, but there was more love and family in his aunt’s and uncle's blue-collar life and home then could be found in one corner of his parents’ mansion, especially when Janet and Andrew started having children.

I am brought out of my reverie when she directs her conversation to me.

“I am so glad Erik gave his daughter to you, Wesley. "She begins, much to my surprise. “I tried to give him a reprieve from my sister and brother-in-law as much as I could. I could see the change in him in just a few hours of arriving in our home, usually. I knew he didn’t have much of a family life.”

Andrew nods and speaks too. “Yeah. I mean, Janet even begged for him to come live with us, you know… back when you two were in high-school and we were afraid that mental health issues were starting to show themselves, but Laura and Jack refused.”

Aspyn’s face is slack jawed at this news and my mother gasps in disbelief. My dad and I are shaking our heads.

“Seriously? They didn’t want to get him help?” I ask.

Janet grimaces. “Technically, that isn’t what they said. But yes, Laura refused to even consider the idea that there was a problem, and Jack straight asked what we felt that we could give him that could compare to what their money could provide. He made it clear that what we could offer wasn’t even worth the breath it would take to talk about it.”

“Not to mention he didn’t want to ruin all of Erik’s chances with college scouts and baseball clubs watching him play. By then, Jack had his heart set on having a son in Major League Baseball,” Andrew snipes, to which I scoff.

“You mean, after he finally realized Erik was good at it and stopped hounding his son to be some reincarnated version of himself? To play football so he could have a chance at a son in the NFL?”

Andrew raises an eyebrow in acknowledgement as he sips his drink. He clearly gets where I am coming from and thinks the whole situation is as messed up as I do.

“The point is,” Janet interrupts before the conversation goes off the rails, “that they refused us, and all I could do was watch as we lost touch and things spiraled out of control. It was horrific trying to follow along via sports broadcasts and social media postings.” Tears start to trickle down her cheeks. “Erik was wise in his choice. I couldn’t bear it if another child had to endure his upbringing.”

I open my mouth to tell her that I will never let that happen and that I welcome her and her family into Ariel’s life anytime but don’t get the chance because Mr. O’Brien stands up, tinkling his wine glass with his fork, and the crowd quiets down in response.

“Hello, everyone. Thank you for coming today. It means so much to Laura and me that you would come and celebrate the life of our son, Erik...” I must admit, if I did not know the story and I did not have Erik’s own words, I’d buy this grieving father act.

The audacity. The unmitigated gall. The outright narcissism of this man has me feeling a low growl rumble in my chest. The low-key anger that I have been keeping at bay is “this close” to bursting into flame. I grit my teeth, rolling my head and reaching a finger into my suddenly too tight neck collar in a bid to try to control myself.

I hear him invite people to say a few words in personal remembrance of Erik, Laura nodding, the lace handkerchief making another appearance. The stories start, and people start to lie. Especially the kids we went to school with (some who mercilessly bullied him, calling him “Bizarre O’Brien” when his behavior started becoming erratic). Especially his college classmates who lured him down that destructive path and then left him there to fend for himself. Everyone claims to have always thought he was so great. Claims that they were best friends. Claims that they wish he would have called; they would have dropped everything to help. Helped with anything at all.

B. S.

The hypocrisy, the phoniness that Erik would have hated and most of all, my own guilt for abandoning him are threatening to choke me to death; I have to get out of here! Before I can make good on my escape, Mr. O’Brien singles me out.

“Erik’s childhood best friend, Wesley, is here. Would you like to say a few words? You certainly have had plenty to say today.” There is a hint of steel in his voice that tells me this is not a friendly question. It is a challenge.

Is this man seriously trying to test me right now? His face is smiling gently at me, but his eyes tell the story. He is so----

Ok, I can’t use the adult words that are on the tip of my tongue because I’m trying to be better for Ariel. Just know that he is beyond angry that I defied him by being here at all, that I did not give a flying fig about trying to protect their lie (which the whole town is talking about now), and somehow, he is still stupid enough to come at me again?

Bring it on, man!

My agitation is such that I stand a little too quickly, making my chair scrape harshly against the floor. At the same time, I feel my mother grab my wrist and hear Aspyn’s soft, “Ahem.” I turn to watch her gently play with a lock of Ariel’s hair and place a soft kiss against her temple.

Ariel!

Thankfully, she is absorbed in her faithful, purple companion and seems perfectly content. If I do not get control of myself, though, she won’t be. I will my emotions back in check by taking a few deep breaths before I open my mouth.

“Um...yeah, sure.” I begin. “Um...I have been listening to all of you tell your stories, and uh, it’s nice to hear everyone say they loved and were willing to be or do anything that Erik needed.”

It takes everything in me not to not react to the lie I just told; I am no better than anyone else at this point. I try to find a way to tell the truth without completely ruining this moment.

“It also strikes and saddens me that I don’t think Erik knew.”

I hear murmurs, whispering and the occasional clearing of the throat spread across the dining hall. Yes; I am going to hit a nerve, but if I am really going to stand up for Erik, I need to say this.

“It is true that Erik made his own choices in life, choices that often ended with poor outcomes. It is also true that he didn’t take his own life, but he did think about it. He actually thought about it and made plans to make sure his daughter had the best life he could find for her when he was gone.”

I know that will feel like a right hook to the chin for the O’Briens, but I don’t care. In fact, I look them straight in the eye when I continue.

“Why did he do it? Didn’t he know how much we loved him? Supported him? Would be there when he needed us? He must not have.

“I know some tried more than others to reach out.” I lock eyes with Janet and Andrew and with Miss Mamie across the way. “And I know mental health illnesses are not linear disease processes. They are hard on everyone involved, especially on the one that suffers daily. In the end, I think we—and I am including myself – could have done better, tried harder.”

I look at Ariel as I finish. “Is there a lesson for us, for me? What should I have done differently? What can I do differently going forward? It is something I’m going to have to think about. Because I will not look at his baby girl—as he called her—I’m not going to look at his baby girl every day and tell her his suffering was in vain.”