Chapter 8

I just wanted to wash away everything that happened. I scrubbed and scrubbed but the shadow of what happened yesterday still loomed over my head like a dark cloud.

I was so embarrassed to even show my face at work. Maggie was right. How am I even supposed to have a relationship with this guy? He's my boss for Christ's sake, he clearly hates people, and hates the world for that matter.

I have the worst luck with men.

My last boyfriend, Matt, was my first ever boyfriend. Yeah yeah I had my first boyfriend at 18.

I lost my virginity to him and then he cheated on me and left me crying my eyes out. From then on, I looked at men differently. It seemed as if all they wanted from women was sex.

No one wants a relationship anymore, no one cares about bonding and starting families. This world is fueled by sex crazed men and women.

Granted, I couldn't even look at my parents' relationship for advice. They didn't even have a relationship. I don't remember the last time my mom and dad hugged, or told each other that they loved one other.

I don't remember the last time my mom left her house to go socialize. My mom was miserable and my dad was in prison and still is.

My brother John has been in the Middle East for over 3 years now and every time he comes back home he goes to Minnesota to see his girlfriend.

I barely know my own brother, I have no one. I don't have anyone in this world to keep me sane. I only have Maggie, and she probably hates me now.

My biggest fear in life is to be hurt by the one I love the most. I'm scared that if I trust someone, they'll just use it against me and I'll end up being alone and miserable like my mom.

As I walked into my office, I immediately buried myself in my work. I didn't even want to stop by Ryan's office to say good morning because I was so embarrassed.

As I walked into my office, I immediately buried myself in my work. I didn't even want to stop by Ryan's office to say good morning because I was so embarrassed.

At around 1 in the afternoon I received a knock on my office door.

"Come in" I chirped.

Ryan walked into the office and sat down in front of me.

We just stared at each other for a good 2 minutes.

"Good afternoon" he said rudely with a hint of humor in his tone.

I smiled "good afternoon. Nice weather we're having right?"

He shook his head and from the corner of my eye I saw a small smile playing on his lips.

"Your roommate seems very...assertive" he said.

"Your roommate seems very...assertive" he said.

"Oh yes she is. I managed to have my first fight with her because of her assertiveness" I drowned.

He sat up straighter in his chair and straightened his collar "how come?"

I looked at him and folded my arms on the desk. "She thinks you're no good for me, and I wasn't having any of it. What happened yesterday meant nothing. You're way out of my league and I'm well aware of that. It was just spur of the moment"

He swallowed and nodded while pursing his lips "well first, I would like to say that in no way shape or form am I out of your league, and  secondly, you have no way of assessing my feelings for or about you. Have a good day Maddie" he stood up and left briskly.

Did I just...hurt his feelings? I have never been more confused. He actually seemed hurt at my comment. I thought he'd agree with what I said.

"Ryan" I said as I knocked on his office door 30 minutes later. There was no response. I knocked again and opened the door to see a lady sitting on his desk in front of him with her skirt halfway up her thighs.

My eyes widened and almost fell out of my head. Ryan quickly stood up and was about to say something but before he could, I slammed the door in his face and went back to my office.

First of all, this was completely inappropriate, for a man of his power and societal ranking to be fooling around in his office was absurd.

Why should I care? We're not dating, we're not married. This isn't my problem and shouldn't be. I tried pushing the thought of him kissing another girl away and out of my head for good but when the thoughts came back, they made me want to physically vomit.

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I came home and changed into my most hideous pajamas, and took one good look at myself in the mirror.

He wants nothing to do with you. He wants nothing to do with you, you stupid donut!

I pulled up my shirt and looked at my stomach. I wish I could just cut it off, maybe then I'll be perfect. I just want to be perfect like my dad wanted my mom to be.

I instinctively touch my hip where I have a small scar that couldn't even be seen without close examination. Even though it's small, it holds so much pain behind it.

I closed my eyes to keep myself from crying. Keep yourself together. You have a career to focus on, not establishing a relationship.

As I sat in bed reading my book, I got a text on my phone.

Maggie.

"You can't be mad at me forever. Sorry for being a bitch yesterday. I'm bringing home Chinese in a couple of hours. Sounds good?"

"I'm sorry too. I'm stupid and naive. I'll talk to you when you get home. Chinese sounds perfect"

"Are you Okay? Do you need something?"

"I'm fine. No, I don't but thanks for the offer :)"

"No problem. I have your back. Love you girie"

"Love you too babe. See ya later"

As I flopped down on my bed, part of me hoped that I could find someone who could love me for me, who would be there for me.

I sound like a desperate lost cause. There has always been so much pressure on me to be the best I can be. And now that I'm here, no one acknowledges what I have achieved.

"You have to push it Maddie! What team is going to want a lazy ass?!" Coach Filips used to scream at me every single softball practice.

"You have to want it Maddie. What university is going to want a dumbass?!" My mom yelled at me all throughout high school.

"I'm not your father. Your whore of a mother couldn't keep her fucking legs shut for one minute and she got knocked up with you and ruined my fucking life!" My dad used to say to me every day when I called him my father.

"Get yourself together kid. No man wants a fuck up" my nana used to laugh out while smoking a cigarette on her porch.

"Maddie, leave me the fuck alone with your stupid fucking math homework. No one gives a damn" my Aunt Ingrid used to tell me when I stayed over at her house when my mom couldn't take care of me.

"Do me a favor and shut up" uncle George muttered as I recited my favorite poem by Mother Goose.

"Maddie. I'm proud of you, you're my little sister and I'll always be here for you. You have to work hard to get out of here. Please, I love you. I love you so much" my brother John would tell me every night.

I miss John in every way possible. He was my rock and my ray of sunlight in the middle of a terrible storm.

In the middle of my reminiscence of my terrible childhood, I got another text message. This time it wasn't from Maggie. It was Ryan?

I didn't know what to say so I waited a minute or so. Okay so maybe I waited 10 minutes.

"We need to talk..." He wrote.

"What's there to talk about?" I wrote back. Real clever mads.

"You know exactly what...don't pretend like yesterday didn't happen...and what you saw today wasn't what it looked like"

"Why should I care what it looked like?"

"Why should I care what it looked like?"

"I understand that. But there seems to be a conflict of interest when it comes to me being your boss"

"Okay. We kissed. It happened. You're way out  of my league anyway"

"Excuse me?"

"I said, you're way out of my league. Do you have comprehension problems?"

"In what universe would a beautiful woman like you be out of MY league? I've seen many women in my lifetime and you, are the most beautiful. By far. And to answer your question, I most certainly do not have comprehension problems. I won my second-grade spelling bee"

I blushed at his comment

"And I also know that you blushed at that comment"

My eyes widened and I had the urge to look around the room.

"Thank you. So what is it that we have?"

"I don't know. And I know many things. After work tomorrow would it be okay for me to take you out on a formal date?"

"That's so...generous of you"

"I aim to please"

I smiled at his comment and heard Mags walk through the front door. I couldn't wait to tell her that this "evil" guy may not be so bad after all.

I had a feeling she would not take it so well.