Chapter 4: The Confession

There was no one at the back of the chapel. My heart is racing.

“OK,” I say.

We stand up and go into the dark, intricately carved confession booth without anyone noticing. I sit down and slide open the small partition separating us. I can see Dorothy’s profile through the veiled screen. She fidgets in her seat. I feel nervous too. She takes lipstick out of her purse and paints her lips a brighter shade of red. God, how lovely she is.

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been over a year since my last confession,” she says.

I had looked forward all through my years as a seminarian to easing the troubles and relieving the guilt of people during confession, but now I feel at a loss. Who was I to give absolution for the sins of others or understand their troubles, an inexperienced man who has never tasted the joys of life?

“Dorothy, I don’t think you should give your confession to me. Perhaps one of the ordained priests can…”

“I told you. You’re the only one I feel comfortable telling this to…”

I take a deep breath in and exhale.

“Ok. Tell me what’s troubling you, Dorothy.”

“I don’t know how to start… I’m a little nervous to talk about it.”

“No matter what it is, I promise I won’t judge you.”

“I know you won’t. OK… During my last year of college, I knowingly engaged in a mortal sin… with my boyfriend… and with others… many others. I have engaged in forbidden sexual behavior with a number of different men and I continue to do so, without a feeling of regret or remorse... I can’t seem to stop doing it, nor do I want to.”

“Dorothy, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you how risky it is to have sexual intercourse with multiple partners.”

“No, you don’t understand. I don’t have intercourse. I’m still a virgin.”

“Oh. Then, I don’t understand. Why are you upset? I’m sure whatever you did is not that bad. I think most people tend to exaggerate their sins.”

“Not in my case...”

“It’s perfectly normal for you to have sexual feelings…”

There was an awkward silence on her side of the partition.

“Did you allow one of the men to touch your breasts?” I guessed.

“It’s worse than that. Much worse. You seem open-minded, Joseph, but I’m afraid you might find my story rather… crude. I don’t want to offend you.”

“There’s nothing you can say that will offend me, Dorothy.”

“God, I wish I had a cigarette…”

I gaze her pretty face and painted lips though the opening of the partition. Her red lips, her lovely face, her full bosom. She is the most beautiful women I had ever seen in my life.

“Dorothy, do you think you’re alone in this struggle?” I ask. “Do you think you’re the only sinner here? There’s nothing you can say to me that’s worse than the sins I’ve already committed.”

She smiles at me, as if I’m teasing her.

“Really? What sins could you possibly have committed, Joseph?”

“If I tell you… will you share with me what’s troubling you?”

Dorothy looks directly at me through the screen.

“You tell me your sins and I’ll tell you mine.”

“OK… That’s fair. But what I’m about to say might make you… uncomfortable.”

“I think I can handle it…”

I look away from her, shut my eyes and tell her.

“From the moment I saw you kneeling before the statue of our Lord and Savior, I’ve been… sexually attracted to you.”

My heart is pounding and my breath is shallow. God, why did I tell her? Why couldn’t I have kept it to myself? I bury my face in my hands for a moment. When I glance up she is sitting in the same position, as still as a stone, just inches away from me across the petition. A long moment passes.

“Go on, Joseph,” she says.

As I continue my confession, she takes cosmetics and a small pocket mirror out of her purse and touches up her makeup. She applies rouge to her cheeks, draws a line of mascara under her eyes and paints the lids of her eyes a brighter shade of blue.

“I’m sorry, Dorothy,” I utter. “But I seem to have developed an unhealthy infatuation with you. In my case the spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. Your sweet voice and red lips, your pretty face and… lovely breasts… I can’t control the way I feel. I like being around you and… God help me… I’ve been aroused, sexually aroused, off and on, all afternoon, since I first saw you. When you touched my shoulder, though I know it was a completely innocent gesture on your part, it made me feel so good inside. Even though my robe, your hand felt warm on my skin… During the last hour together, I’ve entertained one sexually impure thought after another about you… You can report me to the authorities of the church, if you’d like. Perhaps that would be the best thing for me at this point, to be removed from my position within the church. But you must believe me when I say I will never put you in an uncompromising position, despite my attraction to you. I’d rather remove the skin off my back with the scourge than touch a single hair on your head in an inappropriate manner. I’m sorry, Dorothy, if what I’ve said has made you uncomfortable…”

After I finish my confession, she puts her makeup away and turns to face me with a dazzling smile. She comes so close to the partition that her lips are nearly touching mine through the screen.

“There’s no need to apologize, Joseph. It’s OK, really. I kind of assumed you were attracted to me when I saw you standing in the doorway with an enormous hard on. It’s not your fault. I’m not wearing a bra and I know my dress is short. I’m fine with it and I won’t tell anyone. It’s no big deal, really. Don’t worry about it so much. You take everything too seriously. I don’t think you should quit over this. You’re a really good guy and I think you’ll make an excellent priest, if that’s what you want to do. And, by the way, you don’t make me feel uncomfortable at all. It’s kind of flattering, actually, that someone like you would be attracted to me. Most of the guys I hook up with are total douchebags…”

The graciousness and generosity of her response amazes me. It reminds me of what Jesus said, coming to the aid of the adulterous woman who was about to be stoned for her sins. “If your slate is clean, then you can throw stones.” Rather than judging me, I feel redeemed by her. Accepted.

“I don’t know what to say, Dorothy… Thank you for not judging me.”

Dorothy looks down at her lap and shuts her eyes.

“You held up your end of the bargain. I suppose I should make my confession now. I’ve never told this to anyone before. Well, here goes… Though I’m still a virgin, over the last year I’ve brought several men to an orgasm… with my mouth. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve performed fellatio. I’m not forced to do it. I do it because I enjoy it. I’d be in a bar right now, flirting with some guy, if I wasn’t in this cozy booth talking to you, Joseph…”

I take a deep breath in and out. Her words are intensely erotic to me.

“Joseph? You’re not saying anything. Have I offended you?”

“No, not at all.”

“Should I continue?” she asks.

“Yes, please,” I say. “Tell me your story.”

“It was my final year of college and I was the only girl left in school that hadn’t done it yet with a boy. Everyone made fun of me for being a 23 year old virgin. I had this long-suffering boyfriend, Trey, who had constantly begged me to have sex with him, but I was trying to save myself for marriage like the good girl my Catholic Mother always wanted me to be. Trey was attractive and a bit of a frat boy, not the kind of person I wanted to marry. His roommate had already left for spring break, so Trey invited me over to his dorm room to celebrate the end of mid-term exams. It was my first time I would have an extended period of time alone with a boy and I was excited about it. I had held back my entire life, never letting anyone kiss my breasts or touch me under my panties, so I decided to let go for once in my life, despite my Catholic upbringing. We started kissing and he began petting my breasts, as usual. I was feeling friskier than normal so I allowed him to completely take all of my clothes off, even my panties. After kissing and fondling my breasts and rubbing himself against me, Trey removed his clothes, took out a condom and put it over his penis. Just before he was about to penetrate my hymen and take my virginity, I took the base of his shaft in my hands and started sucking on the head of his penis as hard as I could. After I got over the rubbery taste of the condom, I realized I liked the feeling of his penis on my lips and the sensation of having it thrust into my mouth. He began to rapidly pump himself in and out of my mouth as hard as he could. I held the soft underside of his scrotum in my palm as I sucked on him. Suddenly, I felt it contract several times. Trey moaned and released his semen into the condom while his penis was still inside of my mouth…”

Dorothy glances over her shoulder at me through the partition.

“Do you want me to continue, Joseph?” she asks.

“Yes,” I say.

“Well, Trey really enjoyed having oral sex with me, which was no big surprise, so he kept me locked in his dorm for the entire spring break as his love slave, naked the whole time except for my panties. He brought me my meals and kept me locked inside whenever he left the room. I have to admit, it was extremely sexy to be held captive. I gave Trey oral sex several times over the next few days. It was very easy for me to do it, and it took the pressure off me in some ways. I thought if I could learn how to satisfy a man in this way, I could wait until my wedding night to go all the way, just as I was taught I should do throughout Catholic School.”

She stops, as if embarrassed to talk further.

“You know, we’re not much different really,” I say. “I’m a virgin too, just like you, Dorothy.”

“You are?”

I nod, somewhat ashamed to admit it. She seems to relax.

“When I entered the Priesthood I made a vow to be celibate. But even though I’m unable to have a… sexual relationship… I’m still a man. I have needs. I often feel lonely and… relieve myself… on occasion. I don’t see how that’s any different from your situation. The way I look at it, celibacy has been imposed on us and we’re both struggling with it.”

“Thank you for being so understanding, Joseph.”

“Of course.”

Dorothy continues her story, no longer ashamed.

“So, after a few days of using a condom, Trey told me he preferred the sensation of being kissed directly on his penis without a condom. I told him I was afraid I might not like the taste or wouldn’t be able to swallow it, so he tried introducing me to his semen a little at a time. I had overheard other girls talking about it and I was curious, so I went along with the idea. First, Trey straddled my body with his knees, rubbing his penis over and over between my breasts until he ejaculated. Afterwards, with his fingertip, he started painting my lips with the thick creamy substance, over and over. I licked my lips until the semen dissolved onto my tongue. It didn’t taste at all unpleasant, just a little salty and a little sweet. I didn’t mind it, really. And for all the thrusting and moaning guys do, hardly much comes out. I didn’t know what I had been so intimidated about.”

Dorothy crosses her legs in the confession booth, remembering.

“So, after he painted my lips with his semen, we advanced to more advanced sexual games by the end of our week together. I know it sounds terrible, but I went along with it. He told me I could eat nothing all day. All he’d allow inside my mouth for the next 24 hours was his semen. He asked me if he could tie me up on his bed with his neckties, just to make sure I didn’t try to escape. He was my boyfriend for over a year and I trusted him, but I still made him promise not to take off my panties when he tied me up. He agreed, so I let him do it to me. He pulled my arms over my head, spread my legs apart, and tied my wrists and ankles to the bedposts. I was unable to move and immediately liked the sensation of being tightly bound and unable to stop Trey from doing whatever he wanted to me. He got up on the bed, straddled my chest with his knees, put his penis in my mouth and I sucked as hard as I could on it. He began thrusting it in and out of my mouth over and over until he pulled out and ejaculated again on my breasts. This time he used a teaspoon to collect his semen. He lifted the spoon up to my lips and I easily swallowed the small amount. Even after finishing all over my breasts, the entire amount fit into only two or three spoonfuls. Later that day Trey tied my ankles together so I couldn’t run away and had me kneel on a pillow on the floor beside the bed. He asked me to rub on his penis with lotion until he ejaculated into a glass and then asked me to swallow the full amount all at once, which I did. It was quite easy. The more of his semen I swallowed, the more I began to like the taste of it and the smooth texture of it in my mouth…”

I pictured Dorothy swallowing her boyfriend’s semen and became aroused by her story.

“Are you listening, Joseph?”

“Yes. What happened next?”

“The next morning I woke up hungry, but not for food. I knelt down in front of him beside the bed with my knees on the pillow and sucked on his penis until he ejaculated directly into my mouth. I had absolutely no difficulty swallowing the full amount and I didn’t choke or gag on it. It was a very easy and natural act for me. I realized it was something that I was quite good at. After making the mistake of sharing with Trey how easy it was for me to swallow his semen, he began to call me a pet name: his cute little slut. At first the name sounded crass, but after he used it a few times that morning and I got used to the sound of it. I started to like the name. After giving oral sex to Trey so many times in a short period of time, I discovered how much I liked the act of fellatio and realized I wanted to do it more and more. The name seemed fitting to me now and I wasn’t at all ashamed when he called me his slut. I… craved his semen now… the sight of it… the taste of it… the feel of it on my tongue and the sensation of it pooling in the back of my mouth and sliding effortlessly down my throat. I had become Trey’s slut. His cute little slut…”

Dorothy stops her story, reapplies the lipstick from her purse and continues.

“It was the end of our Spring Break and school was to resume the next day. That night, Trey told me he was throwing a party for some friends and went out to buy some beer. Before he left he sat me in a chair and tied my wrists behind my back and my ankles together so I wouldn’t get away, even though I promised him I wouldn’t leave. When Trey returned he untied me from the chair. I showered, put on my makeup and got dressed for the party. By the time I came out of Trey’s bedroom, his friends had already arrived. I noticed there were only guys there. When I asked Trey where the girls were he said no one else could make it over. We sat down in the living room, watched a basketball game and drank beer. The guys didn’t say much. After a few beers I noticed the guys giving me looks. I wondered if Trey told them what he’d been doing with me in his dorm room the past week. I just ignored the guy’s looks. Since I still hadn’t eaten any food in almost 24 hours, I became quite tipsy after only one beer. Trey offered me another beer, but I said no. I left the living room and went to Trey’s room to use the bathroom. When I came out, Trey met me in his bedroom and asked me to undress down to my panties. I was surprised when he told me he wanted to have oral sex with him again in the middle of the party.

“And put this on,” he says, handing me a black blindfold.

“Will you lock the door first?” I asked.

“I will,” he said.

I know it was foolish of me to trust him, but I was a little drunk and ready for anything after the week of kinky sex we had, so I did what he asked. I undressed down to my panties and put the blindfold on. I heard him leave the room and I sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for him to return. When Trey came back in a few minutes later, I heard his friends come into the room with him. I felt embarrassed to be sitting on the bed in front of everyone naked. I reached up to remove my blindfold so I could put my clothes back on, but a pair of hands stopped me.

“Don’t remove it, honey,” Trey’s voice whispered into my ear, “it’s sexier this way.”

As he spoke, Trey put my hands behind my back and tied my wrists together.

“My friends from the party are all here. Don’t be nervous. They understand the situation, how you’re saving yourself for marriage and they promised me that they’ll be polite with you.”

After Trey tied my wrists behind my back, he took my breasts in his hands and kissed me with his tongue.

“If you don’t want to do this Dorothy, just tell me and we’ll all leave the room. But I promise you, if you give it a chance, you’ll like it. This is going to be a night we will all remember for the rest of your lives…”

I sensed the boys move closer to me and could feel them sit down on the bed. I felt a pair of lips on my mouth, another pair of hands squeezing my breasts, a mouth sucking on my nipples and hand rubbing my thigh near my panties. The boys picked me up and passed me from lap to lap. Each boy freely kissed me and fondled my breasts, while squeezing my ass and rubbing my vagina over my panties. I could feel their erections pressing against me. After they were done kissing and fondling me, they picked me up and placed me on the floor next to the bed with my knees on a pillow. I heard a zipper opening and a boy sat down on the bed directly in front of me. I could feel his thighs next to my arms and his erect penis touched the soft part of my cheek. I heard Trey’s voice say, “If you’re uncomfortable and you want us to stop, just say so Dorothy. If you don’t want to do this, just tell me and we’ll stop, OK?”

Dorothy stops her confession. There is a lengthy silence.

“Did you tell them to stop, Dorothy?” I ask.

“I wanted to, at first,” she says. “I was angry at Trey for allowing me be treated like a whore for the amusement of him and his friends. But then…”

“What?”

“I realized… I liked it, just as he said I would. I was sexually excited by it. I liked being tied up and not having control over the situation. I liked the humiliation of being exposed and kissed and fondled like that. I knew exactly what Trey expected me to do for his friends. And I did it. I could’ve resisted, but I chose not to. I gave oral sex and swallowed the semen of all five boys at the party. It was done in a completely consensual manner on my part. And rather than being a difficult and unpleasant experience, it was surprisingly easy to do. I feel guilty about it, but the truth is I liked it…”

She sits back in her chair, remembering.

“Looking back, you would think I’d be nervous about the situation, but I wasn’t. They were all very well behaved, for drunken college boys. They were very polite, just as they promised. My panties stayed on the whole time and no one attempted to remove them. They were so excited by seeing a pretty, naked, blindfolded girl willing to give them oral sex that it didn’t take much work on my part for each one of them to release their semen directly into my mouth, one after the other. I sensed their eyes on me, each one waiting patiently for his turn. No one treated me in a rough manner. I just sucked in a calm fluid motion on each penis, providing enough lubrication with my saliva and tongue, and brought each of his friends to an orgasm. When I became thirsty I asked for water and a bottle was held up to my lips. After a drink, I started on the next one. I had absolutely no problem doing it and wasn’t bothered by it in the slightest. I hardly could believe how easy and simple it was for me to suck on and swallow the semen of all five of Trey’s friends. By the time I had finished and it was time for Trey to take his turn with me; I calmly stood up.

“Trey,” I asked in my sweetest voice, “would you be so kind to untie my wrists? After all that water, I need to use the restroom.”

“Sure, honey,” he said.

Trey untied my wrists. I took my blindfold off, went into the bathroom and shut the door. When I came out I patted the sides of my lips with a tissue and began slipping back into my dress and bra and putting my shoes on.

“Wait! It’s my turn honey,” Trey said. “Don’t get dressed. The party just started!”

I didn’t say a word and grabbed my purse.

“Where are you going? Why are you leaving, Dorothy? Are you mad at me?” Trey asked, following me to the door at my heels like a love-struck puppy.

I put my lipstick on in a slow, sexy manner, while he and his friends watched.

“You know, you could’ve asked me, Trey,” I said. “I’m your cute little slut. I probably would’ve said yes, if you had just asked nicely.”

I turned and left Trey’s dorm room. The next day I sent him a short text, breaking up with him. He apologized, sent me love notes, flowers, but I had moved on. After my week of uninhibited oral sex, my reputation grew. Needless to say, I became quite popular at the university, transforming almost overnight from the Catholic prude to the college slut. I turned down all of Trey’s friends who had found out about my particular talents and were clamoring to go out on dates with me. I gave the cold shoulder to the five boys who took advantage of me at the party. When I needed a break from studying, I went off campus to find older men who wanted the companionship of a young, pretty student for the evening. I never went out with a boy from college again. I finished the last semester of college, got my undergraduate degree and moved home. My Mother never found out about what happened. I started hanging out in bars where lawyers and investment bankers had a drink after work. After a time, it was only natural for me to be offered money for my services. Over the last six months I’ve earned several thousand dollars going out on dates where I give each client a happy ending at the end of the evening. I would’ve continued doing it too, but I made one stupid mistake. Rather than taking me to a hotel, one night a client asked me to give him oral sex in his car. He drove me home and parked around the corner from my house. My Mother must have seen the strange car parked there. When she came out to investigate, she caught me with the man in the back seat. She was, of course, shocked by my behavior. My Mom had a huge fight with me and that’s how I ended up getting sent to the abbey. Whether I like it or not, I’m to spend the next several months here, as punishment for my crimes.”

I don’t know what to say or how to respond. After a long pause, she breaks the silence.

“So… am I going to burn in the Lake of Fire, Joseph?” she asks.

“No, I no longer believe in that,” I say. “Actually, meeting you has caused me to rethink everything I formally believed, including the concept of sin.”

“Then, I must be a bad influence on you.”

“No. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Dorothy. The best thing.”

“You’re sweet, Joseph. You know, I really like you. Seriously. And I feel much better after talking to you. Maybe I just needed to tell someone, to get it off my chest.”

“I’m proud of you for telling me, Dorothy. I know it took a lot of courage on your part to trust me. You have my word I will never repeat what you said to anyone else at the parish. Your past will not affect your chances at candidacy here, Dorothy, should you chose to stay. I know you’re being forced to come here, but I do think some quiet contemplation for a couple of weeks or a month can’t do you any harm. But over the long run, this place can get pretty boring. Not to state the obvious, being a nun is probably not the right lifestyle choice for you.”

“Probably not,” she says, smiling. “Thank you for not judging me, Joseph. I know all the other Priests would’ve made me say a million Hail Mary’s.”

“Dorothy, if you want my opinion, I know you were always told to remain a virgin until marriage. But contrary to Catholic teaching, I don’t think you should wait any longer to start having normal sexual intercourse with a man you’re attracted to, as long as he uses protection of course. You’re an extremely sensual person and I think all the pressure imposed on you to remain a virgin has led you to develop this obsession with oral sex, which is not a bad thing or even a sin in my opinion, which is again contrary to Catholic teaching. I’m not a sexual expert, far from it, but if you incorporate sexual intercourse with other forms of intimate expression, it may lead to a more balanced, less one-sided sexual relationship with your sexual partner or partners, I think.”

“You’re telling a Catholic girl that it’s OK to have premarital sex? You’re the coolest Priest ever, Father Joseph!”

“Thank you, but as I said, I’m not a Priest, nor will I ever be… The one thing I will tell you is this. Be careful what you try to fill your emptiness with. Whether it’s sex, or drugs, or in my case, God, I’ve discovered that no matter how hard you try, the emptiness within can never be filled…”

Our time in the confession booth had come to an end. I become afraid that when we come out, Dorothy would have to go home and I may never see her again.

“Would you like to say the Prayer of Contrition together?” I ask, just to keep our confession going a little longer.

She agrees. Looking at each other through the partition, we whisper the prayer we had been indoctrinated to say since childhood. I hoped it may bring her comfort and soothe my tormented soul as well.

“Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for my sins, because of thy just punishments, but most of all because they have offended thee, my God, who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of thy grace, to sin no more and to avoid all occasions of sin.”

We come out of the confession booth and immediately embrace. My erection presses lightly against her. Priests and nuns walk by and give us their dirty looks again, but I don’t care.

“That’s the longest time I ever spent in confession,” she says.

“Me too,” I reply, smiling. “I guess we had a lot to confess.”

After we end our embrace, Dorothy looks at me for a long moment and bites her lower lip, hard. I stare at the tiny tooth-shaped indentation she leaves behind in the flesh of her skin. She abruptly turns away, grabs her cell phone out of her purse and checks her messages.

“It’s getting late,” Dorothy says. “I suppose I should be leaving. My Mom keeps texting me.”

I don’t want her to leave.

“Can you stay just a little longer?” I ask. “I haven’t shown you the interior of the main chapel yet.”

“I suppose so. How can she be mad at me? I’m at church, right?”

Dorothy sends a text to her Mother and we continue the tour, walking down the side aisle of the chapel. The back of our hands inadvertently brush against each other and she gives me a sideways glance. I want to hold her hand, I feel so incredibly close to her. As we explore the main section of the nave, I realize the gloom and depression I’ve struggled against for years is miraculously gone. I feel truly happy for the first time and it is directly because of Dorothy’s presence. The moon has risen and beams of light shine through the stained-glass windows, illuminating the raised main altar and the imposing cross that looms overhead. We both notice it.

“It’s beautiful,” she says.

“It is,” I say. “Come with me, Dorothy. I want to show you one last room.