Chapter 4: The Wages of Sin

When I wake up I am relieved to see no demon eyes staring at me from across the room. I take a shower, put on a bra, change into the most conservative clothing I own and prepare myself to hear a sermon about the wages of sin. Tonight there will be no misfit gentleman from church named Miles or Willard or Randolph to meet me. My Mom pulled out the big gun to guide me back upon the path of righteousness. It’s much more intimidating to see him in person than on the raised pulpit in church. I’m dreading the inevitable after dinner lecture on morality from him.

By the time I arrive, Pastor Orman is already there in the living room. I’m given several Christian hugs. Pastor Orman sits on the couch in the middle of the room and my Mother fawns over him, offering various appetizers and refreshments. My Father stands humbly and silently beside the couch with a tray in his hand as my Mother chats with the minister. I look around the living room and notice my parent’s wedding picture with Pastor Orman between them, displayed in a place of prominence on the mantle. The Pastor has played a central role in our lives for as long as I can remember. He makes jokes, tells stories and engages my parents in convivial conversation. He’s the kind of effervescent man everyone likes to be around, full of good cheer. After exchanging pleasantries we all go to the dining room table.

My Mom has spared no expense with a large pre-Thanksgiving turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy and all the trimmings. It seems an absurdly huge feast for just four people. I know Mom went to a lot of trouble for this dinner and has probably been cooking all day. Suddenly, I miss my sister Eloise terribly. I wish she was here to enjoy all this good food with us. But she was gone… gone.

We hold hands as Pastor Orman leads us in a prayer before dinner. It feels funny shutting my eyes with everyone, after not praying for so long. Luckily the prayer is short, by Pastor Orman’s standards. He must be hungry, I assume. As everyone starts eating, my Mother continues talking to Pastor Orman, thrilled to have a celebrity at the table.

With his napkin tucked under his chin, I watch my Father place a fork in his mouth and chew. He rarely speaks to me and when he does, he merely repeats something Mom asked him to say. “Your Mother wants you to do this; your Mother wants you to do that…” He’s been an insurance salesman all his life, works hard for his family and I love him, even though I don’t really know who he is, inside. I wonder if I’ll ever know. I always fantasize one evening my father and I will have this intimate conversation where he actually reveals to me what he thinks and feels apart from Mom, but it never happens. I know he was as devastated by the death of Eloise as I was. We have that in common at least.

After Mom finishes her plate, she sits perched on her chair with a straight, stiff back, listening attentively to every word the minister says. Sated after a second helping, the Pastor pushes his plate away.

“Thank you for the delicious meal, Gladys. Now I know why Bob always looks so happy!”

My parents laugh like it was the funniest joke they ever heard. We all get up from the dining room table and move to the living room. Pastor Orman sits down on the couch and fixes his eyes upon me. My Mom and Dad sit on either side of the Pastor and I sit opposite, facing them. It’s three against one. The moment I’ve been dreading has arrived.

“It’s good to see you again, Grace. It brings a feeling of joy to my heart. Where’ve you been? Your parents are concerned for you. Why haven’t you been attending church services? I haven’t seen you at First Assembly in several months,” the Pastor says.

“I just needed a break I guess,” I say.

“Well, I certainly don’t blame you, Grace. You’ve gone through quite a spiritual trial, first with the passing of your sister and then just a few months later, the unfortunate death of your husband who served our country so honorably.”

My husband served our country, but not so honorably, if you’re counting the bodies his unit, the A-Team, buried on his base at Command Outpost Nerkh in Wardak Province. Instead of dredging up the past, I stay silent.

“No one ever said it’s easy to live a Christian life. Sometimes God gives us trials to test our faith in Him, Grace…” the Pastor says.

I nod. Pastor Orman has large crowds hanging on his every word every Sunday and isn’t used to being ignored, but I have a headache and I’m not in the mood for his words of enlightenment this evening. I could tell Mom was getting annoyed I wasn’t talking to him. She gives me one of her tight-lipped smiles.

“Grace, Pastor Orman took the time out of his busy schedule to come here and talk to you.”

“I know but… I don’t know what you want me to say,” I mumble.

Pastor Orman adjusts his glasses down to the edge of his nose and looks at me directly in the eyes.

“Grace, may I ask you as a Christian… do you believe in the power of demonic possession?”

As soon as he said it, my heart stops beating. I picture the horns of the beast in the mirror last night. There seems to be no escaping from the demon, even in the privacy of my parent’s home. Ever since I was a child he was always scaring the shit out of me, preaching about the power of Satan and the eternal fires of Hell and damnation. I finally had enough.

“Well, to be honest with you… No, Pastor Orman. I don’t believe in the Devil anymore. In fact I think the idea is silly…”

A terrible silence descends upon the room. Out of the corner of my eyes I see the shocked and angry face of Mom. I know my behavior was upsetting her. She sets her jaw and crosses her arms across her chest.

“Silly is it?” the Pastor says. “You think it’s silly? Didn’t you listen to any of my sermons on Sunday? The Evil One is not some figment of the imagination. He is a powerful and wicked force, cunning. He is everywhere. He sees all and there is no place to hide. He tests you when you’re at the most vulnerable. By staying away from church, your soul is no longer protected by the Blood of the Lamb, Grace.”

“Well, thanks for your concern, but my soul is fine Pastor.”

“Is it?” the Pastor says, leaning toward me. “Is it really? It doesn’t appear that way to me.”

I look away from his hard piercing eyes.

“Your Mother and I have been very worried about you Grace,” my Dad adds, stiffly.

“Thanks Dad, but I don’t want you to worry about me. I’m fine, really…” I say, smiling.

During another awkward pause my Mom offers the Pastor a cup of coffee.

“No thank you Gladys.”

He sits back on the couch and crosses his legs.

“The way I see it, there are but two choices in life Grace, two paths. You can follow the Lord and live in the community with other believers in the Holy Spirit, or you can go out on your own, pursue earthly desires, and live in the world of the flesh.”

When I don’t respond, Pastor Orman bows his head and reaches his hands out.

“Let us pray for understanding…”

We automatically bow our heads, join hands in a circle and shut our eyes, while Pastor Orman leads my family in prayer.

“Lord God Above, Creator of All Things, who gave His Only Begotten Son Jesus Christ to die for the sins of mankind, please give guidance to your humble servant today to minister to this lost young woman, Grace Madsen, who passionately seeks the truth of your Infinite Wisdom…”

As the Pastor drones on, I stop listening and open my eyes. It’s the first time I’ve ever done that during a prayer before. Although I know it’s a simple thing, but it seems like a world-altering act of rebellion to me. I’m quite nervous and can almost hear my heart pounding through my veins. I wonder if anyone at the table knows I’m not praying. I look into the faces of my parents and the Pastor during the prayer. I observe their tightly closed eyes and bowed heads. My Mother and Father seem much older when I look at them closely, with graying hair and lines of worry wrinkling their foreheads. Suddenly I realize the Earth has not cracked open and swallowed me underneath for opening my eyes during the prayer. Pastor Orman finishes praying and raises his head. When he opens his eyes they look strange, transcendent.

“The Spirit of God wishes to convey to us gathered in fellowship here today the meaning behind the story of the serpent and the temptation of Eve in the Garden of Eden.”

Pastor Orman opens the Bible which he always seems to keep at arm’s reach and reads.

“In Genesis 3:1 the Word states: “Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.’ Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate.”

Pastor Orman solemnly shut the bible.

“Do you see Grace how the serpent tricked Eve into eating the forbidden fruit by appealing to her pride, to “be like God” and to Eve’s desire, how the tree was “pleasant to the eyes.” Second Corinthians 11:3 states “But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtlety, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.” It is always better to be simple in your faith and follow the commandments of God without question, Grace. The devil can always enter your thoughts and beguile your mind. Do you understand what the word of the Lord is trying to tell you today?”

“It says in the Bible that God created all things, right?” I ask.

“The Lord Almighty created the Heavens and the Earth. That is correct,” the Pastor says.

“So… if God is the Creator of all things, He created the serpent that tricked Eve too, didn’t He?”

“I’m… not sure what you’re getting at here, Grace.”

“Well, if God created the serpent, then… God is the one who tricked Eve into biting the apple, not the snake…”

I didn’t mean to upset anyone and I regretted saying it as soon as the words left my mouth. The voices cry out all at once.

“What?” the Pastor exclaims, shocked.

“Grace!” my Mom shouts, angry at my words. “How could you…”

“How could you say such a thing,” Dad spits out, finishing her sentence.

“How dare you? How dare you say such a thing in our house?” Mom yells.

“How dare you?” Dad repeats.

“You like to humiliate me in front of our Pastor, don’t you?” Mom blurts out, teary-eyed.

“No Mom. I didn’t mean to humiliate you,” I say.

“Let’s calm down everyone. Please. I think she’s just confused Gladys and perhaps we’re not understanding what your daughter means,” Pastor says, patting Mom’s shoulder to calm her down.

I try my best to clarify.

“I know this isn’t coming out very well, but what I meant to say is… if God created the serpent, then God was really the one who tempted Eve and not Satan. And if God created all things, then God is also Satan, isn’t He?” I ask.

My parents and the Pastor stare at me, stunned by my words.

“God is Satan? Is that what you just said?” the Pastor asks in shock.

“Grace! How embarrassing!” my Father shouts.

“How could you say that? How could you say that!” my Mom yells over the voices of the two men.

Before my Mother tries to flay me alive, the Pastor intervenes.

“Remember, patience is a virtue Mr. and Mrs. Madsen. Please don’t lose patience with your daughter. In her ignorance, she is completely missing the point,” the Pastor says. “I will pray that the Holy Spirit bestows upon you the gift of discernment when it comes to understanding the Holy Scriptures. Let me try to explain quite clearly what God is trying to tell us in the creation story, Grace. As a result of their disobedience, Adam and Eve become aware of their naked bodies and feel rightfully ashamed. They are guilt-ridden about their transgression of God’s Commandment and as a result, they’re no longer in direct spiritual communion with God. They are cast out of the Paradise. Because of the curse of Adam and Eve, our bodies must suffer sickness, disease, aging and eventual death. But the true message of the story is revealed in John 3:3. ‘I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the Kingdom of God.’ So after accepting Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, we once again have direct access to God by inviting His Holy Spirit to come live inside of us. Do you see Grace?”

“So, that’s why God wants us to cover ourselves and that’s why we feel ashamed of our bodies, because of original sin?” I ask.

“That’s not the main point of the lesson, but yes.”

“And because Adam and Eve disobeyed God, the world is now filled with horrible diseases, like the one my sister suffered and died from?” I ask.

“Disobeying God’s command is a serious matter, Grace, with serious consequences,” the Pastor says.

“But… don’t you think it was petty… cruel even… for God to punish mankind so severely just because Eve took a bite out of a delicious piece of fruit?”

Another deathly silence fills the room. My Mother places her hand over her mouth and tears fill her eyes. My Father looks down at the dinner table in shock. Pastor Orman shakes his head.

“You’re calling the Lord Our God… petty and cruel?” the Pastor says, incredulous.

“I think so, yes. I’m not presuming to know more about the bible than you Pastor Orman, but if Eve didn’t know the difference between right and wrong, how could God hold her accountable for eating the apple in the first place? And is it really so bad to open one’s eyes and choose to seek wisdom or pleasure? Isn’t that what being alive is all about? Yes, I think it was petty and cruel of God to punish Adam and Eve and make them ashamed of their bodies, just for taking pleasure in something they desired. I’m sorry if this upsets you but if being a Christian means worshipping a God like that, then I guess I don’t want to be a Christian any longer…”

I never admitted out loud to anyone that I didn’t want to be a Christian any more, even to myself. I suppose it was a bold statement to make in a family of Pentecostals. There’s another long awkward pause as Mom, Dad and the Pastor stare at me. Pastor Orman makes one last bible quote, his favorite, the one I was expecting to hear from him.

“Grace, whatever you are dealing with right now, whatever demons are tormenting your mind, remember that God loves you. But also remember Our Father in Heaven is a Loving God, but he is also a just God. Romans 6:23 states ‘For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.’ Do you know what that means? The wages of sin is death, Grace…”

“I’m sorry Pastor to cut this short, but I’m afraid I have a bit of a headache. I’d like to lie down for a moment, if you don’t mind. Thanks for dinner Mom. It was a pleasure seeing you again, Pastor Orman,” I say, smiling politely.

I go upstairs to the quiet of my old bedroom to take a nap. It feels empty without Eloise running around, eyes full of mischief. I often think of my sister and me in the hospital, fresh out of our Mother’s womb, our skin conjoined. Lying in my bed, I stroke the thin faded scar on my hip and think of Eloise. Even after we were separated she was still a physical part of me. It makes me sad to visit my childhood home now. I listen to a tree branch brushing up against my window in the breeze and drift off to sleep.

An hour later I wake up feeling refreshed. My headache is gone. No bad dreams. No demons lurking in the shadows to torment me. It suddenly realize… I’m free! In my entire life I never went against the opinion of Pastor Orman or my parents. But now I’ve done it. A great weight lifts like a heavy cross from my shoulders. I can finally let go of all my Christian guilt and shame and fear.

I go back downstairs to the living room. Pastor Orman has left. My Mother sits next to Dad on the couch with a shawl over her shoulders. I can tell she’s been crying. She looks angrily away when I come into the room.

“Your Mother and I are very disappointed in you Grace,” my Dad says.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life. How could you say such dreadful things with our Pastor here? How could you?” my Mom says.

“It wasn’t my intention to embarrass you Mom.”

“Pastor Orman thinks you might even be possessed by some sort of demon, by the way you’re acting.”

“Just because I happen to disagree with Pastor Orman doesn’t mean I’m possessed by a demon Mom.”

“OK. Then perhaps you can explain the reason you stopped going to church and why you’ve been acting so strange lately?”

“I’ll be happy to Mom. I’ve wanted to talk to you about this for a long time. I’ve been going through some changes lately and -”

“By changes do you mean speaking disrespectfully to our Pastor who came over especially to help you?”

“I don’t think it’s necessarily disrespectful to question something you’ve been taught.”

“Does questioning what you’ve been taught mean you start speaking rudely to others and behaving like a woman without any morals?”

“Mom! Listen to me!... I’ve fallen in love with someone…”

“What?” Mom utters.

“He’s a sweet and kind gentleman named Jim Jefferson. I’m tired of keeping this part of my life hidden from you, so I’d like to bring James over to the house this Sunday for you to meet him. We’ll drop by after you get back from church around 2, if that’s OK with you. James and I have been together for 10 months now and -”

“What? 10 months? Grace, your husband died 10 months ago.”

“That’s right. I moved in with him soon after Patrick’s death.”

“You mean to tell me that you jumped into another man’s bed when the corpse of your husband wasn’t even cold yet?” my Mom shouts.

“Mother, I know you were very fond of Patrick, but I was never in love with him. It was a mistake to have married him. The truth is he was a horrible husband. He was physically violent to me on more than one occasion and also did some horrible things in Afghanistan that made me lose respect for him.”

My Mother starts crying again and my Father just stares at me in shock. Perhaps I said too much. I put my coat on to leave.

“I’m sorry if what I’ve said upsets you. Let’s talk again on Sunday. We’ll be here at 2. Please be nice to James, Mom. He’s a nice person and a sensitive man and I intend to stay with him for the rest of my life. He’s a thousand times nicer to me than Patrick ever was and I’m sure you’ll like him if you give him a chance. I’m very happy Mother, for the first time in my life. Doesn’t that matter to you, that I’m finally happy? Mom?”

My Mother doesn’t look at me.

“I think you should probably go now Grace,” Dad says.

My Father puts his arm around my Mother’s shoulder. I let myself out.

On the ride home the demon is sitting in the back seat.

“Ms. Madsen, I must say, you were brilliant in the theological debate this evening. You’re line of reasoning tied the Adam and Eve story up in knots! The expression on Pastor Orman’s face was priceless. It was about time someone stood up to that blowhard. I never liked that story anyway, being represented as a lowly serpent, however cunning I am.”

I look at the demon in the rear view mirror. He no longer frightens me.

“Will you just please go haunt someone else?”

I turn up the volume on the radio to drown out his voice. To take my mind off the demon, I stopped off on the way home at my favorite store and pick up a few juicy surprises for my Dom. Some changes are in order. Serious changes.