Chapter 4 - Do You Remember Me?

JAMES

“Are you okay?” His hand squeezes mine harder, but it's the only move he does.

«Do you remember me? Do you know who I am? » Stares at me with those big brown eyes without saying a word. He seems to be struggling with himself, having no idea what he's supposed to do. Some people pass by and stare at us, honestly the sudden attention makes me very nervous.

«Come on, remember me». I repeat in my mind over and over again, hoping that understanding will cross through his eyes and realize that the kid from the hospital... Is me.

“Jimmy?” My brother's voice startles us both, and he finally frees my hand. I feel the cold of losing the warmth of his touch, and disappointment settles in my chest when our time alone is over.

“Hey, Nate.” I smile and put my glasses back on my eyes. I pick up the pair of books and my backpack from the floor and hang it on one of my shoulders.

“Where were you?” Approaches and gives me a short hug. “I was worried about you; I searched the entire cafeteria.”

“Yeah, I'm sorry.” I save almost the complete package of M&M's in my pants pocket, feeling nervous at Jasper's glance still on me. “I was struggling with this thief.” Gesturing to the big vending machine next to me.

“Ah, old Maggie.” Nods and snorts. “It’s a pain in the ass when you don't know the trick, but…” Suddenly, notices someone else's presence and turns to face him. “Jas? What are you doing here?”

“Huh?” That's when he shifts that intense focus away from me and sticks it on my brother. “What did you say?” Still looking a bit dazed.

“What are you doing here?” Frowns. “We were going to look for you in the bathroom just now.”

“Yeah, buddy.” A guy I don't recognize hits his back and smiles. “We thought you went down the toilet or something.”

“Don't be an asshole.” Jasper puffs with annoyance. “Stop watching so many cartoons.”

“Here, this is heavy.” Nate lifts one of the bags he was carrying on and passes it to him. “But how did you find my brother?” Expression changing to one of confusion. “I don't remember showing you a picture or telling you what he looked like.”

“Well, that would have been ideal, you idiot.” Jasper puffs again. “I was just helping him with Maggie when... Wait.” Eyes open wide. “Is he your brother?”

“Yeah.” Nate smiles and lays a heavy hand on my head. “This is my Jimmy. Isn't he adorable?”

“Nate!” I scold him and push his big hand away, laughs at my shame.

“Hey, a pleasure.” The stranger extends a hand to me and I shyly shake it. “I'm Stephen, but you can call me Steve.”

“James.” I mutter, and exposes his white teeth.

“Welcome to the prestigious University of Michigan, where dreams come true and all that shit.” Moves closer and whispers. “If you happen to be in a class with Professor Jones, I advise you to sit at the end.” Whispers even quieter. “He tends to fart.” That makes me laugh and I cover my mouth with the back of my hand. Nate slaps the back of his head and Steve complains. “Wtf, man?” Steve does a pout and rubs the area. “That’s advice that will work, nobody wants to spend two whole hours inhaling stinky farts.”

“It's his first day, let him explore things for himself.” Crosses the arms over his chest.

It's a silly excuse and everyone knows it, my brother is very overprotective. Ever since I confessed four years ago that I am gay, he doesn't like men too near me. If this were the medieval age, I'm sure that, thanks to Nate, I would die single and virgin.

“Nate.” I toss his shirt sleeve and he turns to see me. “Where's the library?”

“It took you longer than I thought to ask that question.” Denies amused and holds my hand. “Come, this way.”

Jasper and Steve are following us, talking about things regarding the practice they had before, and something about bees or whatever. The college halls are slowly emptying, so we don't run into many students on our way to the library, which is great considering I don't like crowds.

When we arrived, it was closed due to the completion of the classes, but at least it served me to discover its location. I can get a vague glimpse of its interior through one of the windows and it's huge. I feel the familiar tickle in my stomach as I watch the gigantic number of books piled up next to each other, imagining the different textures slipping through my fingers and the smell of the old pages.

I place the palms on the crystal and my rapid breathing mists the glass, my heart pumps hard, and I know that I will not be able to sleep today wishing that the hours pass faster so that I can obtain some of those relics, and swim through that knowledge contained inside.

“I see you like it.” I hear his laugh. “Too bad it's already closed.”

“Nate, it's amazing!” I wrap my arms around his waist, jumping up and down in excitement. “It’s so much better than you described it!” He tenderly strokes my hair. “I can't wait till it's Monday.”

“Well, it's illegal to break in now, so you'll have to do it.” Scoffs. “Now, come on. I'll take you home.”

“No.” I rush to answer, separating. “No, it's okay. I'll take the bus.” «Please, Nate. Please don't push it»

“Don't be silly.” Snatches my bag and I cling to the books before he takes them as well. “I brought my car; I can give you a ride.”

“Nate, I live in the opposite direction from you.” «Please stop. Don't insist anymore». “It'll take you a long time to return home. I can take the bus, it's not a big deal.”

“Do you think I'm going to let you go alone?” Frowns and starts walking towards the exit. “No buts, Jimmy. Let's go, it's gonna be late.” «No, no, no...».

“Are you okay?” Jasper asks with concern; I swallow thick and try to chase away the tears that threaten to come out. I feel unable to answer, so I just nod, sticking my fingers into the rough material that the book covers are made of. “Are you sure? You look like you've seen a ghost.” Approaches and I catch him raising a hand in my direction, but I back away quickly.

“Yes... I’m fine.” I whispered, beginning to walk behind my brother.

He doesn't persist, and I'm grateful. Fear creeps deep into my bones, and I concentrate on remembering the paragraphs from that book by Patrick Rothfuss that I like so much, but it doesn't seem to work now. By the time we reach Nate's car, he's saying goodbye to Jasper and Steve with high-fives, putting the big bag in the trunk and mine in the back seat, before sliding behind the wheel.

“Hey, see you tomorrow!” Steve waves at me, I answer with a trembling smile.

He jumps in the car and Jasper watches me carefully. For a moment, while those eyes are connected to mine, I forget everything. The fear slowly creeps deep within my mind, replaced by a warmth in my chest. He takes a step towards me, apparently wanting to say something, but Steve hits the car horn to attract his interest, and I'm back on my feet in front of my brother's car in the university parking lot.

“Come on, Jas.” Steve shoves the head out the window. “It’s getting late, what are you waiting for?”

“Yeah, I'm coming.” Before getting in, he looks at me again. “See you.” Says simply, and soon after that, Steve's car is leaving the parking lot.

Disappointment crushes any hope I might have had for him to recognize me, and with a heavy sigh, my fears reappear. My fingers tremble as I open the passenger door and climb in, fastening the seat belt around my torso.

“Does your father have a shift at the pharmacy?” Questions absently, tapping with the thumbs the screen of the phone. «I hope so. Oh, God, please let it be so».

“I don't know.” I mumble.

“Well, if he's not there, tell me and I'll take you for a burger, okay?” Smiles and puts the phone away to start the car.

“You know I can't, I have a curfew.” I watch out the window when we start moving.

“Shit, I forgot about that.” Snorts. “I still don't understand how you dropped those bottles on your head. The bruise on your forehead lasted for days, Jimmy. You should be more careful.”

“Yeah, I was careless. It won't happen again.” I sense more words leave my lips, but it all seems so distant from me as we continue to drive home.

«Please, please, don't let him be there». The rest of the road is silent, and when he slowly parks on the side of the street, my pulse races, my heart beats hard against my ribs when I see one of the lights on.

“Oh, he's home.” I unlock the seat belt, obtaining my bag from the back seat. “We're kinda late, do you want me to talk to him?”

“No!” Frowns at my sudden reaction, I punch myself mentally for being so stupid. But the beating will come physically as soon as I walk through that door. “I mean.” I try to get a convincing answer. “It’s too late, Nate. You should go home, you know it's far from here, I don't want anything to happen to you, plus...” I squeeze the books against my chest. “It’s Friday, don't you have plans?”

He is quiet for a long moment, studying my face with a penetrating gaze. I try to appear as convincing as possible, without showing the true feelings moving like worms inside me.

“Yeah.” Sighs and nods. “The guys and I are going to the Blue.”

“There you go.” I force myself to smile and open the door. “You'd better go now; I'll text you later. All right?”

“Okay, don't forget.” Points at me with a finger. “Last time you fell asleep and I waited like a fool.”

“I promise.” I smile, praying that he'll hurry up before my father loses patience and rushes out.

“I love you, Jimmy. See you tomorrow.”

“I love you, too, Nate.”

Winks at me before I close the car door and drives off, abandon me on the sidewalk with my turbulent thoughts. I see him drift away until turning a corner, I take a deep breath, attempting to summon courage.

I remain shaky as I slide the key in the lock and turn the knob to open the front door. Father is waiting for me, standing in the living room with his favorite leather belt hanging from one hand, breathing heavily.

“I told you I didn't want to see that son of a bitch here again.” Mumbles, the jaw tightly clenched.

“I'm sorry, Father.” I'm backing out gradually, though I know it won't do any good. “It won't happen again.”

“That's what you said last time.” Steps in my direction, my eyes blurring with tears. “But you keep disobeying, you are still a spoiled child who does not appreciate the great effort I make to provide for you.”

“That's not true.” I quickly deny, my back bumps against the wall when I have no more room to escape. “I appreciate... I appreciate it a lot.”

“Are you calling me a liar?” The low voice is even scarier than before, I'm starting to tremble. “Don’t cry!” A hard strike with the belt hits my thigh, I bite my tongue to avoid screaming. It's always worse when I scream. “Stop behaving like a filthy faggot and start doing it like a man!”

“I'm sorry.” My fingers are pressing the books so hard against my chest that it hurts.

“I don't think you do.” Rips off my backpack and throws it on the floor with the books. “On your knees.”

“Father, I...”

“On your knees!” Tremors agitate my extremities; tears continue to moisten my cheeks. Without wanting to postpone any longer the inevitable, I lay down on my knees, with open hands on the ground in front of me. “It will be twenty this time.” Warns me, but I never bother to count them anyway. “And we shall see if you stop defying me for good.”

“Yes, Father.” I reply quietly, before feeling the first unbearable heat on my back.

“Do you feel it?” Another hit.

“Yes, Father.” Another strike again. My lungs start to fail, I need my inhaler, but my bag is too far away.

“Are you sorry?” The next one impacts on my shoulders.

“Yes...” I clench my hands in fists while the tears continue to flow. My throat burns as I beg my lungs to resist a little longer.

“Will you do it again?” The next one slams into my lower back much harder than the others.

“No!” I scream, immediately realizing my mistake.

“Fucking faggot.” Mumbles.

That's the last thing I remember before passing out on the living room carpet.