The Breath You Left

"Help me."

Yuelin’s eyes widened as they connected with Meilei's above her, expelling a gentle gasp of shock and realization of her danger. The air was silent and still with the cloak of the night, not even the soft sound of bugs. Everything crashed into a frozen moment elongated as though the essence of time had ceased, and everything stood paused. Almost slowing things down so that the world itself stopped turning. Voices in the distance, music - all that was close seemed so far away, and they were trapped in an airlock. With nothing to grasp, she flailed but to no avail, and panic overtook her.

Her fingers outstretched, she grazed the tips of warm, soft skin. Fingers to fingers with Meilei, almost within her reach. Just one inch more from her friend towering above her.

Begging for help.

Despairing as gravity tugged her backward.

Her foot buckled with the agony and angle of where she had stepped back too far. Fear flashed like a knife across her expression.

One second. One moment.

Meilei's hand was yanked away with force out of her grasp. Like a cruel taunting. Her shred of hope. Eyes wide, connected to her savior but now her betrayer, so much transpiring between them in only a flash of a second. The heart-wrenching destruction of trust between friends.

Yuelin’s breath left her body with the sudden loss of upright position, crying out desperately with a frantic plea as she slipped backward into the darkness, leaving only Meilei's haunting figure shaded by the moon behind her. It’s all she could see. Receding, disappearing as her heart seemed to stop before the shock of impact and pain wiped out all that she had ever been.

The last thing she would ever see.

Her best friend was watching her fall.

"MEILEI!" She screamed with a blood-curdling cry of anguish and accusation that echoed in the air and reverberated against the buildings and gardens around them. A wracking, painful shriek of true brutality that traveled on the wind and stained the very air.

A flash.

A cry.

The nauseating crunch of a body hitting the stone, deafening in its small sound, yet somehow disconnected to her, and all went dark.

***

"Yuelin!"

Meilei gasped out into the darkness of her room, sitting bolt upright in sudden wakened terror. Sweat dampened her face and nightshirt, and she struggled to catch her breath through the gulping motion of a tightened chest. Her hands trembled as she became aware they were outstretched in the dull early hour of light and grasping at nothing in the air. Reaching out for that impossible connection. She sat stiff and poised for a second as she got her bearings, her vision coming around and settling on the familiar layout of her modest room. Bringing her back to the present and out of her head.

"Mommy…is it wake-up time?" The tiny croaky voice to her left, slow and soft with its sleepiness, dragged her focus back to reality, and she placed a hand on her chest to calm her rapidly beating heart before reaching out and smoothing a gentle touch over her daughter's little face in the bed beside her. Breathing slowly and deeply to combat the impending panic threatening to grip her lungs. She stared at her tiny figure on the wide mattress and found relief at the sight. Recovering quickly despite her frazzled state.

"No, baby. It's still early… go back to sleep. Mommy just had a bad dream." She kept her voice steady, holding back the lump in her throat. Her eyes were damp with raw emotion, but she swallowed it all down. It's not like she hadn't done this a million times before, and it got less difficult to control. She knew sleep wouldn’t return, and all she could do now was get up and let Yue rest a little longer.

"Kay, Mommy," the sleepy cuteness as Yue rolled over and curled into her bedsheets without opening her eyes melted Meilei. Bringing her back from the horror of her dream and grounding her in a way nothing else could. She watched the small, delicate, still features of the most precious child in her world and regained some calm. Finding comfort in the soft breathing and peaceful aura. She never knew she had the power to create something so beautiful until she looked at her child four years ago, and Yue had no idea how much her existence kept Meilei going.

She was worth the pain.

Meilei quietly adjusted the bedclothes and slid out as silently as possible to avoid disturbing her sleeping princess. She padded out into the hall, catching sight of the clock as she passed.

Six am… not as early as previous months. The dreams were coming to her later, affording her some much-needed sleep. Maybe they would cease altogether in time, and she could experience living without the trauma and tiredness.

"You’re up early.” A hushed whisper from the kitchen as she rounded into the open plan area brought her attention up, and she watched her roommate pad quietly around it. Fully dressed and ready to go as she packed her lunch bag for the day. Dressed in sweatpants and a hoody, her dark hair pulled up smooth and tight into a bun to keep out of the way, Suying was always a more boyish girl, but she had pretty features. Tall and athletic, and yet she had a sunny temperament. She was a girl with boundless energy and never seemed to waiver.

“So are you…early shift?” Meilei dodged, giving a reason for showing face at this time. Although Suying’s concealed side glance and furrowed brow of concern were an indicator, she knew why. Having lived with her for almost five years and having known her since kindergarten, there wasn't much Suying didn’t know. She said nothing.

“I had a patient with a rare disorder arrive yesterday. I want to cram in some hours before my rounds doing some research on it. I want to be able to give his parents a plan and a little hope.” Suying continued readying to leave, and Meilei meandered into the kitchen beside her to make some tea.

“You’re a good doctor.” Meilei quietly praised her friend.

“Only good? I’m the best..” Suying joked with her before patting her on the back in passing. A gentle comfort as a way of saying it would get better.

“Modest too.” Meilei smiled and turned on the kettle after readying her cup.

Suying yawned, stifling it with a balled fist, and swiped up her bag before heading past the foyer to retrieve her shoes. Bouncing along like always, she never seemed to experience a bad mood, no matter when she got up in the morning. She was born with excessive energy that never failed her, no matter how early it was in the day.

“Give our Princess a big kiss and tell her to have a good day. Tell her Auntie Suying loves her the mostest.”

“You do not.” A grumpy, irritable tone had them both turn their heads towards the tall, slender goddess appearing from her bedroom door. Like the main lead in an old romantic film, she somehow made a bold entrance without trying. Liling looked glamorous for just hauling herself out of bed.

“She knows Auntie Liling loves her more than anyone, and you are not a contender.” She raised a brow and moved swanly to the couch before flopping down and sprawling out dramatically. Her silk rob cascaded over the seat like some sultry heroin, exposing her slip of sexy nightdress, and Suying eye-rolled at her.

“Well, if you love her so much, why did you not attend the parent meeting yesterday to hear how our princess has been bullying boys again… Hmmm?” Suying smirked, amused at her goddaughter’s fiery and passionate soul, but Meilei sighed, and Liling pretended not to hear.

“Because Ling is adamant her princess can do no wrong, and the teacher is making up stories.” Meilei giggled, feeling lighter as though the last dregs of the dream were filtering away. She needed this every day to get through. The interactions with her two best friends, the safety and stability of this family dynamic they created to help her raise Yue all these years. They were her lifeline, her shelter, and they had no idea how much she needed them. This was her family, and she would not change them for the world.

“My princess does no wrong.” Liling closed her eyes and fanned her face, already hating this early morning heat. Summer was already upon them, and this little apartment had no reliable air con.

Poised and graceful, she twirled the long length of her sleek jet-black hair, arrogant in her beautiful way.

“Hmmm.” Even Meilei knew her little girl could be a diva. With the influence of these two crazy women since birth, it was no wonder Yue was a sassy and confident child who thought biting boys for being mean was proper etiquette.

“Well, when we get to teen years, and she is still roughly manhandling boys, maybe you can deal with the fallout,” Suying smirked, tying her last lace and jumping upright with a childish hop to signal her readiness to leave. “You are the one with the most boy experience. Maybe teach her that not all of them deserve a swift punch to the throat, and she may actually like one of them enough to bring him home… Wait, in retrospect, you are totally where she inherited her man hate.” Suying jested, poking fun at the endless dates Ling seemed to go on and yet had never found a man worthy of wasting her time. She had high standards, and her focus was on her career. To her, men were a plaything, a distraction at most, and she had yet to meet one that challenged her. She seemed to have an aversion to keeping one around for long.

Suying, in comparison, never dated because, in her words, she was ‘married to her hospital,’ and her hectic schedule gave her very little time for anything else. All her free minutes, she used to play with Yue or be with her little family.

“Go to work, you annoying little shrew.” Ling waved her away, rubbing her temple as though Suying was giving her a headache, and Meilei grinned to herself while pulling out a second cup for their goddess. She loved their relationship and felt that these two had never changed in all these years. From age four, when they first met, they stayed true friends and inseparable until they split ways to pursue their universities and career paths. She had never imagined her grandmother’s funeral would reunite them and be the starting place for a new life with them. It seemed like a lifetime ago now and not just five years.

“Why are you up at this hour anyway?” Meilei interjected, glancing over her shoulder to direct it at Ling, and met pretty deep chocolate eyes fluttering open. Even makeup-less, she was undeniably stunning.

Liling sighed.

“Our new management arrives today. I’m stressed and couldn't sleep at all. Today’s the day we discover how much our company will change.” Liling got off the couch, pulled her robe around her, and retied it before wandering over to watch Meilei make them tea. She was the least domestic of their trio, relying on the other girls to do the mundane things and keep her fed. She refused to let them pay rent in return, seeing as she earned more anyway. It was a good balance.

“It’s been months of them finalizing the sale….it feels surreal that it’s finally done.” Meilei sighed. Pausing a moment to gaze at nothing and elicit another heavy breath. The waiting would end, and work would feel stable again.

She worked in the same company as Ling, although in completely different departments. Meilei was in IT on the tech team who worked on developing apps … a team leader she had worked hard to become and was overseeing a project of her own. Ling was managerial on the upper floors, overseeing accounts. That meant the upper floor management affected Ling more than Meilei, as she had to interact and work with them daily. Technical rarely saw anyone from the higher-ups as they all reported to lower-level management. She wouldn’t know as much about what would happen if it were not for Ling.

“Well, we finally will see a new cash injection into our ongoing projects. The sale released the pending equity. I don’t know how much upheaval and reshuffling they intend to do. They informed us of the arrival of our new CEO, Chairwoman, and financial director today, along with a team from the Yanhue Corp to go through employee evaluations and redrafting existing contracts to suit their new policies.”

Meilei’s eyes widened in anxiety, biting on her lip, and she swallowed visibly. Nerves were getting the better of her, and Ling couldn’t miss the obvious distress that affected her posture.

Yanhue Corp was an international company, even though it had its main branches in China. They had bought over so many domestic subsidiary companies when Chang was going under, and they were just one. They were OTS’s lifeline, and she had no idea what to expect when they took charge today. She had no idea if the management would be Western or local and what they expected to do with the employees during evaluations.

“Don’t look so scared… I told you already. The evaluations are not going to affect you. You are the last person in tech they would fire. You’re very valuable and have so many successful projects on your resume. People like Zhang Cho should be scared…he’s a lazy good for nothing.”

Zhang was another leader in her department who swanned around using the skills of his team and contributed very little. She knew he used connections to get his position, yet no one dared to say anything to him. He was a smarmy letch who made lewd comments and treated women as brainless imbeciles.

“I can’t help being nervous. I have only been a team leader for six months and am still learning. I’m still young and have so much to learn. My project is still in its early stage.”

“Girl…you are twenty-six… you are experienced in OTS, as you both interned there and took a job right out of graduation…you know the workings better than most and are good at what you do. I’m the same age, and you have no fear they will kick me to the gutter.”

“You’re different….you are you…and you don’t have a …” Meilei trailed off, her face coloring with heat, and both women fell quiet for a second.

This was not a new subject to be brought up, and Ling knew how much Meilei worried about it. Not without reason. Workplace gossip ran riot in every company; some people would use anything to keep someone down. Destroying a reputation with erred facts and malicious rumors.

“No one at the company knows you are a single mom. It’s not on employee records; no one knows your past, only us. You are as good as anyone else in your department… better…. This is twenty twenty-three…being a single mom is not as shameful as it used to be. Besides…that would not affect your evaluation.”

“Not everyone is modern thinking in our society. You know this.”

Only the year before, a fellow tech developer in a neighboring company was outed for having an illegitimate child with a supervisor. It destroyed her reputation, and despite a good career and spotless resume, she lost face and soon after resigned. Despite not being Meilei’s situation at all, not even close to her story, Meilei had become so hung up on the fact that being a single woman with a child and no father to be found would harm her career. Even though they lived in a developing country, some attitudes regarding women were still archaic.

Ling fell quiet and sighed at her friend. Knowing this was not her real reason for anxiety. Just one of the many she tortured herself with.

Meilei was an overthinker, vulnerable in many ways, and her fears always shadowed her. It was almost like she found a new daily worry to add to her growing list. Maybe motherhood played a role in why she carried the world's weight on her soul, but Ling wasn't sure.

Despite her talents and beautiful nature, Meilei had no faith in her worth or ability. Her college senior year had taken a bright and shining light and smashed it. They were still here gluing back the broken shards after all this time, hoping Meilei would one day fully let go and learn how to shine again. She was no longer the sunny, sweet girl of their school years but instead lived with a shrowd of pain coloring her world no matter how much they tried to bring her out of the shadows. She had improved, but she still had a long way to go. If it were not for Yue, Ling dreaded to think where Meilei’s pain would have taken her.

“I’ll drink this and go shower. Maybe I can nap in my office after this morning's intro. I’m so exhausted.” Ling knew when to drop the subject and move on. Always aware of her friend's delicate disposition. She watched her as the now-ready tea was slid her way. The delicate, pretty features framed in brown wavy hair were tilted down, concentrating. And her large doe-like hazel eyes that Yue had inherited were half closed with fatigue, proof of another broken night. Ling internally sighed and felt that twang of maternal love and despair for her friend. She hated that her past still haunted her in her dreams.

Meilei looked younger than her years in many ways, and sometimes, her mannerisms reinforced her childishness. An aura of innocence was always around her that many tried to use over the years had it not been for Suying, and Ling acting as guard dogs while she recovered. She wasn't the best at standing up for herself, yet Yue had become the opposite. Biting boys who would dare to bully her.

“You won’t forget your appointment on Friday, right?” Ling asked flippantly and thoughtlessly without checking herself, knowing this subject was always like walking on eggshells. She had noted the date on her calendar and saw it when checking the time this morning in bed. Her worry made it spill out when she knew better than to raise this. Meilei was spacing them further apart, giving Ling a sickly feeling that her support was not as interactive as before.

“I never forget. You tell me to go, and I go. I promised, and I don’t break my promises.” Meilei stiffened, and her mood darkened, showing her irritation at the reminder. This topic was like poking a pin in an open wound.

“It’s for your own good because we worry….” Ling had instant remorse for ruining their morning, regretful at stupidly blurting it out like that, but the appointments were important. She often worried Meilei would relapse to how she was before without them. Therapy was needed and way above their ability to help her.

“Don’t!’ Meilei cut her off, her words grating with more sting to her attitude. A snappy cut through the quiet signaled that enough was enough.

“It’s been a long time, and I have Yue….I will never do that again. Let it go..” Meilei closed her down, showing that tiny spark of fire she used to wear so well. It rarely raised its head nowadays, but when it did, it relieved Ling. Knowing inside her, that fighter still existed.

“I’m sorry…it’s just you no longer take the medication, and I…..”

“I get it…. I don’t take them because I don’t need them anymore. Please, go shower.” Meilei’s stubborn set of mouth, clipped tone, and lack of eye contact told Ling that she should let it go. Today was not a good day to talk about this. She knew Meilei was anxious about work and should have left it alone.

She couldn’t help it, though, and as she swiped her tea and sipped graciously, she let her friend take hers and walk out, heading to the lounge to enjoy her alone time before getting Yue up.

She would leave her alone to simmer. She knew her well enough to know by the time they dropped Yue at Kindergarten, Meilei would be fine again. She would not bring this up again. This was just the reality of walking on eggshells around the topic of Meilei’s past.