Chapter 4: Monday II

So the scare tactics worked on me and I converted to Born-Again Christianity that night. I kneeled right down on the sidewalk and did the three things I was instructed to do in the tract. One: I admitted out loud that I was a sinner. Two: I admitted out loud that I believed that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and Three: I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart as my Lord and Savior. I took only a moment and now, the tract said, Jesus had forgiven me of my sins and I was given the gift of Everlasting Life. Born-Again Christianity became a convenient place for me to hide from the shame of having those feelings, which I know now were sexual. And to this day, to this very moment in time with you in the Fellowship Room of Our Savior Presbyterian Church, every desire to lead a spiritual life is powerfully tied to these overwhelming sexual desires I can’t seem to control. I cannot have one feeling without the other, unless I turn both off and feel a kind of numbness, a feeling of being dead inside… I’m sorry. I should never have told you that story.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Laura said, arms crossed on her chest, staring straight ahead.

“There’s nothing to say. Thanks for listening.”

“I don’t hold you in judgment.”

“Oh I know you don’t, Laura. Listen, since you’ve been so gracious with your time and attention, and letting me recount out loud my crazy labyrinthine story, which I know probably made absolutely no sense, I’m going to be honest with you. I can see you’re a good woman, a good person, and you deserve that much from me. I lied to you earlier…”

“Lied? About what?”

“I lied about being transferred from my job. The truth is I’m not coming back next Sunday because I am leaving the Church and Christian Faith, for good.”

“No, no Stephen. You can’t do that. You mustn’t do that.”

“Listen, I’ve got to go. Thanks for the talk.”

Stephen stood up and moved to the door.

“Please don’t go like this, don’t leave.”

“I shouldn’t have come here, I should’ve stayed away. As soon as I saw you, if I truly was a Christian I would have turned around and walked out that door.”

“You’re being so dramatic. I should know, right? I starred in Arthur Miller’s play, “The Crucible”.

“Abigail, right?”

“Yes! How’d you guess?”

“I know the play. You’re perfect for that role.”

“We have so much in common, really. Stephen, I wish you wouldn’t leave the church. We could be friends.”

“Oh, Laura, that’s not a good idea.”

“Are you embarrassed about your story? I’ve heard much worse really, involving drugs, alcohol, crime, and adultery even, leading people to God. Your story was rather sweet, actually.”

“You’re very kind for saying so, but I can see that it upset you and I’m...”

“Listen, what are you doing tomorrow night?”

Laura heard herself talking, but suddenly it seemed there was another person inside her speaking the words, and she couldn’t stop this other Laura from talking. Her voice was even different from Laura’s voice, higher pitched, more feminine, full of hope and life.

Who is she? Who am I?

“I’m… working.”

“Where do you work? If you don’t mind my asking.”

“Uh… it’s a place called the A and E Club? I work security there.”

Stephen’s heart started pumping hard in his chest.

“I’ve never heard of it. Where is it located?”

“It’s around the warehouse district, just outside of town, off the highway, toward LA.”

“When do you get off, Stephen?”

“Around 8, but trust me on this, you don’t want to...”

“Maybe we could meet tomorrow night, talk and pray over this .We certainly don’t want you to drop out of the church. It’s really my responsibility as the wife of...”

“I don’t think it’s a very good idea, Laura.”

“Why not? We’ve had a pleasant time talking, didn’t we?”

“Yes. I did. Sure I did, but...”

“We could get a cup of tea. Anyway, I’ll be bored to tears without my husband around, it’ll give me something to do, if you don’t mind the company.”

“Laura, I appreciate your desire to meet me, I’d really like to talk with you again too, but...”

“It’s settled then. 8PM tomorrow night. The A and E Club, did you say?”

“Yes, but it’s a little hard to find.”

“That’s OK, Is there a website?”

“A and E doesn’t have a presence on the web, so...”

“Really, that’s odd. It’s OK. I think I know where those old warehouses are off the highway.”

Another worshipper popped her head into the room.

“Is it too late...”

“Oh Hi Mrs. Filmore. No there’s still time, come on in.”

Laura looked at Stephen and whispered.

“Tomorrow night then, Stephen.”

“Have a seat, Mrs. Filmore. I’m glad you could make it. My husband couldn’t make it this evening so I’m filling in for him. How are you? Would you like a cup of tea?”

Stephen walked past, saying hello to the new guest and looked back at Laura once more as he made his way out of the church.

Stephen’s Diary Entry: Monday Night

God, if you exist, if you can hear me, I‘ll make one last prayer before my prayers will go silent forever. Protect Laura, don’t allow her to meet me after work tomorrow, don’t allow her anywhere near the club in a sweet but misguided attempt to rescue me, to save what’s left of my soul. It would be dangerous for her to come here…

After his prayer, Stephen opened his eyes and listened for that soft still voice within, hoping he would hear, “Yes, Stephen. I will protect Laura; I will answer your prayers. Worry not. You never gave her the address; she’ll never find the place.”

Stephen listened for that soft still voice within. He shut his eyes when he heard it.

“She is the one. The one you’ve been searching for. Take her. Collar her. Make her mine.”

Laura’s Diary Entries

Dear Diary, I can’t sleep. What is happening to me? I can’t sleep, I have no appetite. My thoughts are scattered this way and that. I am quite sure it has everything to do with meeting Stephen again. Now I wish I hadn’t said yes when Roger asked me to fill in for him tonight. Stephen told me this intensely personal story of how an encounter with a girl when he was thirteen led him to become a Christian. He tried not to tell me. He warned me about the story but his nervousness about telling me made me want to hear it even more. He said his nature was conflicted by these strong sexual urges. He wants to drop out of the church; he appears so tormented by these urges. I wish there was something I could do to help him, but I’m sure I’m not the right person for him to talk to about it.

Why did I arrange to meet him tomorrow night after he gets off work? He told me it wasn’t a good idea, but I persisted anyway. Was I flirting with him? I think I was, God forgive me. The truth is, I don’t know what I believe in anymore. I tried to pray about it tonight, but when I closed my eyes all I could see was Stephen. Even though I know how wrong it is, I can’t help it, I am drawn to this man. I want to see him again, just one more time. But I know how dangerous it is for me to keep seeing him. I’ve decided that after I meet him tomorrow night at this strange place where he works, which by the way, dear diary, for some reason I cannot find the exact actual location of. (I’ll go early and snoop around until I find it I guess) I will forget about him and return to my boring, predictable, but safe life.

Dear Diary, I just woke from a strange dream. I was in a dark cold place, lying on a hard surface. My wrists and ankles were shackled by something metallic, cutting into my skin. I was naked and blindfolded and I couldn’t move. I tried to scream, but my mouth was gagged by a scarf. Suddenly I heard a door opening and a voice.

“Are you alright, Elizabeth?”

I nodded yes. Suddenly I felt the person unlock the chains that bound me. He picked me up and carried me away into a warm place, laying me down on a comfortable bed. I stretched my arms and legs out again and allowed my rescuer to tie my wrists firmly but not painfully to the posts of the bed. I remember distinctly in the dream of how aroused it made me to give myself to him like this. In fact, I remember wishing he had tied me to the bed tighter. I felt his hands cup my breasts and the tips of his thumbs sweep over my nipples. He took my gag out.

“You’re safe now Elizabeth.”

He removed my blindfold, but I already knew who it was.

Stephen was right. I walked through the door and I can’t find my way back home…