Chapter 4

MELISSA

Melissa

Days and weeks passed like a hiccup that comes, bothers and leaves. It had been three months since the funeral, three months since I stopped going to school and, contrary to expectations, studying at home is not all bad, in fact, not having to wake up so early and face the daily dramas of school life is extremely advantageous to me, maybe it's the maturity I acquired in the face of all the losses I've had to deal with, but I never had any appreciation for those stages of adolescence that most young people appreciate. Tranquility and security represent me.

No risk.

On the other hand, I am glad that the grief did not succumb to my family and that time passed quickly enough for us to move on. Not that the pain has completely disappeared, I believe it will never happen, but we are living well with what life has given us. The only thing that never changes is the desperation that runs through my body every time I see his sad eyes, despite all my efforts to make him happy every day, in moments when he thinks I'm not seeing the emptiness fills everything. his being and he locks himself in his office, however in the last month, Uncle Enzo seems really happy with our life and always smiles in my direction when I look at him, showing the adorable little mark on his chin. The bad luck was that he turned thirty-one exactly one month and two weeks before his tenth anniversary of marriage to Auntie and as much as he tried to deny it, I know how much it tormented him. It also means that those were terrible days for everyone in this house, especially for me, his mood was so bad that I chose to stay away.

It turns out that it hasn't been that long since I had a birthday either, I feel that my seventeen years haven't brought changes just to my body, I can feel thoughts and sensations arising right now. Sensations that happen when I'm thinking about him or close enough to smell him.

I run my freshly painted turquoise nails down my pleated black skirt, face the locked door again and spy myself in the mirror that takes up half of one of my bedroom walls, stare at the image in front of me.in front of me for a few seconds without understanding the real reason for my curiosity. I can't help but get nervous with all the hormones crowding inside me, they bring me new sensations and thoughts every moment. For example, I never wanted to stare at my naked body and assess what it looked like, yet here I am. I bite my lip and take one more look at the locked door.

Breathe, Melissa.

The big bluish eyes that I inherited from mom, descend all over my reflection and paralyze in my hands resting on top of the side zipper of the skirt, I lower it and it falls to the ground slowly, I throw it to the side and return to myself. look. My hands go to the sewn fold at the end of my white shirt, the hem and I pull it up. I'm only in black lingerie and an "oh" leaves my lips when I realize that I look attractive dressed like this. The birthmark on my hip makes the lace edge of my panties stand out even more against my pale skin.

I shake my head and take a step back ready to put my clothes back on, but stop in my tracks. I'm tempted to know how my breasts are contoured and how they look on my body. I bite my lower lip as I unclasp my bra, when the whitened mounds appear I feel embarrassment invade my entire body. My cheeks burn with embarrassment when I think of what Uncle Enzo would think if he saw me like this, in this situation.

I hear the door rattling, I hear Olga's voice and another woman, she must be my grammar teacher. I quickly put my clothes back on and run into the living room.

“Melzinha, honey, your teacher has arrived.” Olga says and I walk to open the door, she smiles when she sees me and we go down the stairs together. As if everything was in the most proper order.

I smile at the woman as soon as she spots me, her serious demeanor would fool anyone who doesn't know her, at least a little. We start the class and I get lost in her explanations, totally involved in her words.

I lose track of time and it's weird when she ends the class. I check the watch on my wrist and see that it's almost six o'clock, in an hour and a half he'll be home. The woman says good-bye and I run to the kitchen shortly after, pour myself some juice and head upstairs for a long shower.

I turn over in bed without being able to find a good position, the noises outside make my mind create an apocalyptic scenario. I climb slowly on the large and comfortable mattress, in light and precise movements so as not to wake him up I lie down next to him on the bed , I pull the warm, soft duvet over my body and snuggle into the only available pillow. There's a storm making a lot of damage outside, with loud bangs that prevented me from sleeping alone.

"What are you doing here, princess?" A snort pulls me out of my thoughts and I stare at him puzzled. His eyes remain closed. I wave my hands over his eyes, still seeming oblivious to what's going on as he mutters gibberish. I bring my face closer to his to check it out better.

“You smell good.” Speaks in a hoarse and lazy voice.

“It's the moisturizer, are you awake?” I ask. Her mouth is pulled back in a mischievous smile.

“What you think?”

“You can be sleepwalking and you won't even remember this conversation tomorrow. His pupils stare at me, the yellow looks more intense up close. I can't take my attention away from them for indefinite seconds.

“ I like your moisturizer.” My attention rushes to her mouth. She looks so rosy.

“It's strawberry and whipped cream.” I speak, returning to his eyes and preventing my hands from exploring his lips, despite the fact that they seem to be clamoring for attention.

“Why are you here?” He asks again, keeping in touch with each word spoken.

“ The thunder. I explain and he nods understandingly.” I return to my side on the bed.

“You used to come into our bed when you were little on nights like this.” His face turns towards mine and I observe the existing marks there.

“So I've always been a wimp." I bite the inside of my lip with my teeth

There is a small scar just above his left eyebrow. I run my fingers through it, without permission.

“It was an accident when I was about ten, I was never a very well-behaved child.

"Explain it to me."

We are silent, the sound of rain hitting the roof of the house and the wind blows against the windows, I drag my fingers across his face.

“You're not a fearful person, but I thought that fear of yours had passed.” He says, taking my hand away.

“It never passed, but I was at school in the rainy season. So when I came back here I didn't have to deal with thunder, so I stopped sneaking into your bed.”

"What was it like there?" At boarding school. I never asked you if you wanted to go there in the first place, but I didn't consult with you about leaving either. “ I let out a sigh loaded with memories and he adjusts himself to look at me better, resting his head on his left hand.”

I remember all the moments spent with the girls, my few friends. Every event and consequence, the shared secrets, the laughs and jokes. I don't hide the sadness that was to leave them, but I keep our eyes on a single straight line to pronounce my next words.

“I made friends, had a great time and I miss the atmosphere there.” I miss my girls however I am where I should be and I am happy with that.

“I'm a selfish son of a bitch for taking all that away from you, but even though I'm aware of that, if you ask me to come back now, I don't know if I'll allow it.”

We continued to stare at each other, listening to each other's breathing in the silence. The noise of the rain envelops the environment in a warm and pleasant climate, I guide my lips towards yours and the soft skin turns specific points of my body on fire with seconds of contact, maybe it was your words that made me so needy to prove that I need him too, we only have each other.

My skin is heated when I feel his hand on my neck, I wait to be pushed away, but his hand just stays there. I move my lips and ask permission for my tongue to enter her mouth, when the two collide a moan escapes me and her hand tightens against my neck. I explore his mouth with all the teaching I got from the novels I read, I look for the experience I never had he growls against my lips.

It wasn't a long or needy kiss, but it was enough to take my breath away and feel really good. We broke up in what seemed like seconds later, a strange feeling runs through my body when I feel him pull away and I can only think how sorry I should be, but all I can think about is doing it again and again.

“Let's go to sleep.” He says, taking his body to the edge of the bed, getting as far away from mine as possible.

I nod, even though he can't see it. I lay my head against the pillow and try to sleep.