10

"It's alright," he muttered, making Austin groan. Jared watched as his friend muttered the word 'no' in quick successions as he waved his hand over his head.

"Just alright? Come on Jared, give me some detail. It's the least you can do," Austin said, and Jared's face just warmed up more as he sunk into his seat a bit.

"It's great."

"You can do better than that," Austin scoffed, making Jared look down at his desk as his face warmed up. He was wondering how to say 'he makes it seem he actually wants to be there with me' without sounding ridiculous and laughable. But to be honest, that was the greatest appeal of his arrangement with Darnell. The younger man put a lot of effort into pretending he liked Jared's attention — well, Jared assumed it was pretending since he felt there was no way someone would feel that excited about spending time with him. He didn't mind, he was paying for the illusion of a relationship, so why would he be angry that the person he was in an arrangement with was such a good actor?

"Okay, since you're not answering that I'll ask you something else," Austin said, catching Jared's attention. "Do you two use toys?" The question made Jared's face go bright red again. He didn't have to ask for clarification about what kind of toys. He knew exactly what Austin was talking about. Austin was grinning at him as he placed his meaty arms on the desk. "Well?"

"No."

"You're boring."

"I suppose so," Jared answered, watching as his friend sighed before resting back on his seat. He looked the man over, wondering if Austin used toys with his own partner. It was difficult to believe the man had such an active sex life, and that wasn't a judgment on Jared's part, but more of jealously wondering why a man in his sixties was so active while he himself was so fizzled up and uptight. He supposed a part of it had to do with growing up in such a conservative setting, but he believed most of it was rooted in his hatred of his own body. He never really looked at porn or masturbated because there was just an innate fear and intimidation that came from looking/observing physically attractive people that refused to go away. And masturbating was just a mess of emotions when you couldn't even find your own body attractive. Who would touch or look at you when you didn't even want to touch or look at yourself?

Once upon a time, Jared's greatest goal was to make enough money to have as much cosmetic surgery as possible, but when he finally did reach the point where he made enough money to afford surgery Jared realized that surgery wouldn't take away the fears and anxieties he had built around the concept of attractiveness. Plus, it wouldn't really do well for his reputation if he drastically transformed into an unrecognizable person in the span of a year, because that was the only option. If he wanted to be attractive it wouldn't just be tweaking a body feature here and there, it would be reconstructing him until he was virtually unrecognizable.

Austin drummed a beat on the wooden desk with the tip of his fingers, making Jared snap out of his thoughts before looking up to stare at him. "When are you meeting Darnell next?"

"Tomorrow," Jared answered, wondering what Austin was planning. When the man sucked on his lip and had that frown that made his forehead turn into a ripple of wrinkles Jared knew he was thinking of something.

"Are you free today?" Austin asked, making Jared look at him for a while before nodding.

"I have some toys I had shipped in but won't be using, do you think you can come to pick them up?" Austin asked, making Jared's face warm up as she rubbed his nose. He didn't know what to say in reply. He knew Austin was trying to help him come out of his shell, but this was a bit too racy and fast for him. Besides, if he did take anything from Austin, he wasn't sure he would be able to ask Darnell if they could use it. He'd die of embarrassment before he could even get the words out. They've had sex a few times and Jared couldn't still communicate that he wanted to help Darnell out with prepping.

"Just set the toys on the table like you would the condoms, he'll get the gist," Austin said as if he had just been swimming in Jared's head. Jared didn't seem convinced he just stared at Austin as the man lit another cigarette.

"He probably thinks you're no fun," Austin said, making Jared's eyes go wide. "If it's the same routine every time you meet, he's going to think you're a chore—"

"I'll come and pick up the box," Jared said, cutting Austin off before he could finish his sentence. That's one thing he never wanted to hear out loud because it stung. It stung because it was true. Jared couldn't think of one sex partner he ever had that didn't treat him like a chore. And there was another issue that was building up inside him, but he couldn't admit it to himself yet — it was the fact that he sincerely cared about Darnell enjoying sex with him.

Austin smiled, nodding before he started talking about something else. Austin liked to talk about himself a lot. His partner, his friends, the places he went to etcetera, and although the conversation had drifted to an entirely different topic at the end of their discussion when Jared had to leave his office, Jared couldn't still get Austin's words out of his mind.

Later that evening he drove over to Austin's place to pick up the toys like he said he would. As he drove back to his own place with a box of sex toys sitting in the back seat, a lot of thoughts bounced around his head. He wondered if he was the top equivalent to a starfish — someone who never really did anything and let their partner do everything when having sex. Now that he thought about it. Darnell did do everything while he just sat there and got 'serviced.'

Jared let out a small sigh as he took a turn before looking out into the road. He couldn't help it. He was either too shaken up or embarrassed to do anything when Darnell came over. Also, he had very limited experience with sex in general, and only ever had sex with sex workers who just wanted it over and done with. Jared searched his mind, gripping at things Austin would throw into the casual conversation they had together where he was boasted about how great sex with his partner was. Jared wondered if he would do any of those things with Darnell with the future. And he briefly considered asking Austin how to go about those things before is face warmed up as his grip on the steering wheel tightened.

"Toys first," Jared muttered under his breath, shaking the other thoughts off his mind. Toys first, then he could worry about being a keen student of sexual foreplay.