11

Most people tossed and turned when they

couldn’t sleep. If I did, I would wreck even

this high-quality couch, and so I carefully shifted

my dense body, feeling my fat slosh around. One

would think someone with as much padding would

have no trouble finding a comfortable position.

Well, they’d be wrong. Lying on my back had been

out of the question for years as I couldn’t breathe

properly with my own weight pressing down on my

lungs, and in all other positions, I had to rearrange

myself constantly so I wouldn’t lie on my own

flesh. If you haven’t been there, you don’t get it.

Believe it or not, being fat, even super fat, isn’t so

bad as long as you’re healthy, a productive member

of society and have a cute partner. Not having or

being either, it was hell. I had myself to blame for it

but it was hell nonetheless. I’d lied when I’d told

Ela it was a long story how I’d ended up at the

bridge. In fact, it was as short as being wretched: I

ate myself into a whale size, got kicked out and

wanted to end it all.

M

That strange girl with the as strange as fitting

name Ela had gone out of her way to help a blubbery mountain of a stranger who had done nothing

but snarl at her and dirty her previously germ-free home. She’d probably saved my life. If I’d lain on

the freezing ground for much longer, I wouldn’t

have been able to get up even if I’d wanted to. This

part of the woods probably saw one car per day, if

any. Well, and today it had been hers. She’d taken

action and not let my whining put her off nor

pestered me with questions. In fact, except for my

name and if there was somebody I wanted to call

the woman with skin as pale as her name hadn’t

asked me anything.

She looked like a veritable Snow-white with that

skin, her jet-black hair and the red lips she kept

gnawing whenever she felt uncomfortable. What

was different from the fairy tale was her impressive

height, the slight gap between her front teeth and

her buzzed hair on the right side with spirals shaven

into it. She was one hot package and yet she had

looked at and treated me like a person, an equal.

She hadn’t seemed put off by my size the way skinniest people were, at least not until I’d gotten too

close to her. Yeah, I was a freak show but I had

never made anyone jump like that. I had seen the

actual fear in her cat-green eyes. What did she think

I was going to do? Up until she’d flinched, I hadn’t

even planned on touching her. Well, at least not

with my hands. These days I was barely able to

stand close to someone without my body touching

them.

Why did it feel like I had screwed up when I’d

cut her off instead of listening to her explanation? I

mean, surely it couldn’t have been anything but my

weight that had made her jump, and did I have to listen to that? Hell, no. Still, I should have known

better than to snap at my rescuer like that. And now

she was lying one room away, probably wondering

if the tub of lard would wreck her couch. No,

somehow that image of her didn’t fit:

She had offered the couch to me instead of a

chair.

She had exchanged the wooden plate for a tray

that I could be balanced on my lap.

That girl had even remembered to give me two

duvets instead of one, and with the safety pins that

had held my makeshift clothes together. Earlier, I

had been able to pin them together and cover myself completely.

It was as if she could see the world through my

eyes. Also, the way she had yelled at me for leaving

a mess in the bathroom had told me she was someone who judged people by their actions, not their

appearance. Silke had never kicked my ass the way I

would have needed it, the way that skinny girl had.

Who would live out here by themselves in the

middle of nowhere? The bus station close to the

Autobahn where I had gotten off was two miles

outside the city but Ela had taken us even further

into the woods, uphill and onto a smaller, clearly

not much-frequented road with bumpy pavement.

There had been a single demolished house on the

right that seemed to have been a restaurant a

decade or so ago, and finally, that invisible little

turn-off hid by trees that led to this house. I would have expected a cabin but despite its

small size it was definitely a house, and it didn't

contain rough-hewn log furniture but high-end

equipment that would have looked more fitting in

some metropolitan condo. The layout was perfect

for one person, with a small, open kitchen and a

rectangular wooden table on the left side, a desk

with a computer tucked into the far-left end and the

living area to the very right. The front door faced

two other doors, the one to the bathroom and the

other to the bedroom I hadn’t seen yet.

And I would never see it either. She and the reason for her isolation were none of my business and

she didn’t seem eager to share. I didn’t feel like talking anyway, and not just because I was staring into

the face of some pretty tough questions I had no

answer to. Silke would drive me up the wall with

her chatter sometimes, although right now I’d give

anything for her prattle. Even if I managed to drop

enough weight to convince her I had changed, that

would take me at least one year and Silke wasn’t the

type of girl who stayed on the market for long. And

even if she did, hers was no guarantee she’d take

me back. If I had let myself go this much once, I

could backslide anytime.

Again, I pushed myself onto my back until gravity took over and I staggered onto my right, feeling

everything settle into place again. Did anything

hang out? No. Good. The sight would be sure feeling to give Ela nightmares. What was I going to say

to her in the morning? Probably not much since I’d

reassured her and she’d be getting rid of me soon.