Wild Memories

STELLA

Jeremy, Hendrix and my Dad descend into conversation about law school and I’m relieved that the attention has shifted away from me. I take this opportunity to check out the restaurant. The décor mirrors that of a sports bar and Virginia Tech photos and memorabilia litter the place. The televisions at the bar are tuned to several different college basketball games and being that it’s a Saturday evening, there are tons of college kids and men at the bar.

“What about you?” Jeremy’s question interrupts my reverie and I return my attention to him. “What about me, what?”

“We were rehashing our freshman year. Have you made a wild memory yet?” Hendrix asks and I hesitate.

“You do realize our father is right here?”

Hendrix snorts and tosses a satisfied smirk my way. “I’ll bet you don’t even have one. Have you been to one party yet?” he raises an eyebrow at me and I feel my cheeks warm again. Hendrix is a great brother most of the time, but sometimes he has a way of making me feel like a baby.

“I don’t have time. I have to study.” It’s a weak lie at best. I’m a chemistry major and while I often do have a lot of homework, I also have an eidetic memory. I usually spend all of my time in the library just so I can avoid my roommate and whatever male company she brings home that night.

“All I’m saying is, you should get out more.”

“And be like you,” I counter. I pretend to consider it as an attractive idea and Hendrix’s smile fades.

“On second thought, you’re right. Maybe just focus on school.” I laugh at his sudden change of heart.

Just then, the waitress returns with our food and serves us. She leaves this time, without all of the theatrics toward Hendrix, and returns to the kitchen. They all eat in silence and I try to, but my stomach is still in knots from being so close to Jeremy. I twirl my pasta on my fork and just stare at my plate. I try to discern why I’m so affected by him. I’ve always had a crush on him, but ever since I became a student at the university he went to, every time I went near him, I clammed up and got inside my head. I often wondered if it was because of the hormones or just because he got older and more handsome with each passing year. Or both. All I know is, I’m tired of pining after him. I haven’t been on a single date since I turned eighteen because part of me is still hanging onto this idea that Jeremy will realize that he wants me as much as I want him.

Just then, I feel Jeremy’s hand brush against my thigh and my entire body stiffens. Electricity surges through me and I feel like I’m going to melt into a puddle of my own lust. I feel wet between my legs and I cough to stifle a surprise moan. Taking a drink from my glass, I swallow it down and glance up at Hendrix and my father to make sure they’re not paying attention to me. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see that they’re deep in a debate about which type of law Hendrix should specialize in.

For the rest of the dinner I try not to focus on the way that Jeremy’s touch made me feel and shift my attention to something else. Anything else.

By the time the bill is paid and we’re leaving the restaurant, I’m glad to finally be getting away from Jeremy. My nerves are fried, and my panties are soaked through. I need to get home so I can finally relax.

Back at my dorm, I’m grateful to be alone. It’s only ten ’o clock and my roommate, Lina is no doubt, pre gaming at a frat house right about now. I pull my dress over my head and toss it into my hamper, then eye myself in the full-sized mirror. I sigh. If you could will your hips and ass to grow by staring at them, I’d have a Beyoncé butt by now. I can’t help but stare at my slender frame and wish I had more curves. I’d gotten my mother’s lean, willowy genes, whereas Hendrix looked more like our father. He’d filled out in the last eight years and was well-built and muscular. I hated comparing myself to my brother, but it’s not fair. We’re polar opposites in nearly every way. In high school, he was popular. He’d been a star basketball player, class president, and valedictorian. Things were no different when he’d gone off to college. When I was in high school, I was president of the chemistry club and the closest I’d ever gotten to sports was the Varsity Debate Team, which he’d also been president of. Go figure.

On occasion, I catch myself wishing I was more like him. He’s the very best parts of both of our parents. Confident, funny, charismatic, charming. He always tells me that I have my own good qualities but for the life of me, I wish I knew what they were.

I grab my shower caddy from my bedside and after I cover my body with a towel, I head to the showers. My flip flops squeak against the floor of the hall as I make my way to the girls’ bathroom.

I find it comical how, right now, while everyone is getting ready to go out, I’m getting ready to go to bed. The girls on the second floor of my dorm hall never missed a Saturday night and tonight is no different. Winter break begins in less than one week and with finals staring Monday, everyone wants to go out and let off some steam.

I sigh. I know how I’d like to let off some steam.

I trudge through the bathroom toward the empty shower stalls and set my caddy on a chair. After tugging the curtain aside, I turn the handle to start the water.

While I shower, I can’t help but wonder what Jeremy’s doing. He and my brother are probably out at some bar or club, playing wingman for each other.

The thought depresses me. I don’t like thinking about Jeremy with other girls. I recall how earlier, at the restaurant, he’d brushed against me. I wonder what his hands would feel like all over me and a soft moan escapes my lips. I clamp my hand over mouth and listen to see if anyone heard me.

When I’m sure I’m alone in the shower stalls, I exhale and let out a giggle. I’m wound like a top. If I don’t have sex in the near future, I’m going to combust into flames. Ever since I turned sixteen, my hormones kicked into overdrive and now I’m horny nearly every single day, no matter how many times I masturbate. However, for some reason I just can’t bring myself to do the deed.

You know the reason...

I need to just suck it up and accept the fact that Jeremy and I are never going to happen. Even if by some miracle, he is attracted to me, my brother would never approve.

I sigh.

Fuck. Me.