chapter 7

3 years ago...

I felt my angry tears rush down my face. He did it to me again, I walked in on him and another woman in our bed. I couldn't take it anymore, I was done. I began smashing everything in my path, I screamed to the top of my lungs and finally allowed myself to feel everything I felt each time he did this to me.

I watched every single memory pass my eyes, every woman, every position, each of them moaning his name as he gave into them, cherishing their bodies like they were mine. He didn't fuck these woman, he didn't have sex with these women, he made love to them. He pleasured them in ways that I didn't even get to experience. Witnessing their naked bodies clashing together pierced every organ that I was born with.

He had broken me in ways I never knew was possible. My heart was ripped in two and I just wanted to break everything around me, I needed something other than my heart to hurt. So I threw whatever I found, I punched whatever I could and I violently beat his bare chest as he tried to wrap his arms around me. "NO!!! DON'T TOUCH ME."

I screamed as I tried to force my way out of his hold, the adrenaline running through me let me out of his arms as they were gating my fragile body. I slapped him with all of my might making him stumble backward, he cupped his cheek as he felt the sting of my broken soul hit him. "YOU DID IT TO ME AGAIN. YOU PROMISED - You promised."

My screams turned into whispers as my sobs got louder. The adrenaline pumping through my veins had me towering over him until I felt myself break for that final time. I felt my heart break into a million pieces when my knees dropped to the cold floor.

I was damaged goods and he did this to me, he made me this way. He broke me beyond repair. I wanted to numb all of this pain; the violent pound in my heart, my torn organ leaking out of my chest and my soul ripped from my body. Everything that I was, everything that I am was no more. He had not only broken my heart but my trust, my willingness to love another again and my soul.

"Baby please - I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I am so so sorry. I have a problem baby, I was trying and trying but then -" He breathed heavy as his eyes started to pool with tears. "Please don't leave me beautiful, I ne - I need you. I can't live without you, please." His voice cracked as the violent tears waterfalled down his eyes. And the worst part was my heart hurt more for him than it did for myself.

I sobbed as he begged and pleaded with me, it was like his emotions meant more to me than my own. I had lost all care for my own self and it was only him. I had lost myself in him. "I need you. I need you Monroe. Who can love me like you princess? Who can make me feel like you do? NO-ONE BABE, NOBODY!"

He screeched as he was tearing through my walls of brokeness. "Roe, just listen to me, please? I'm begging you." My lip quivered as I let out a whimper trying to hold back my tears, I looked up at him seeing everything he was feeling on his face. I saw the tiredness on his face, his bright eyes were dark and underlined with dark circles and all I wanted was to make it better.

No matter how much he did to me, I felt like I had to fix it. He was right; no-one could ever love him like me but I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

I slowly lifted myself up, almost stumbling over as I felt the heavy pain in my knees and just before I could topple over I felt his hands around me and my hands already in position to grab onto him. It was a reflex because he was my safety net, he was my carrier, he was my lifeline and in that split second, I thought how could I live without this man?

I looked up into his sorrowful eyes as he searched mine for acceptance, for forgiveness. I had to look down, he had once again soiled all over our marriage and I wanted to be strong enough to walk away but how could I? How could I start again? And who could ever love me?

I felt my chin being brought up as his thumb and index finger took hold, he wanted me to look into his eyes because from the day we had met he had always told me my eyes would never lie to you and I always believed them, they were sorry but I didn't know if he was.

"Baby I am so sorry. I know I said it the first, second and now the third time but I am genuinely so sorry. I'm just not made for monogamy babe. I hadn't cheated since we got married and I finally thought that I could do it, I wanted to give you everything that you ever wanted and I did but this one thing I couldn't. I don't want you to leave me, regardless of everything I love you, I just don't think I am cut out for this type of love."

I whimpered at his words "Chase, why didn't you just leave? Why put me through all of this? Why - why would you break my heart again? I don't deserve this."

"You're right." I heard his voice break "I was selfish, I love you with everything in me but I am selfish and I never put you first. I put my needs first, but I just couldn't let you go. You are my safe space, my peace, my tranquility, my home. And I wouldn't know who I am if I didn't come home to see your beautiful smile every single day. I need you Roe."

"I'm not enough Chase, if I was then you wouldn't need them."

"Baby you are enough. I don't deserve you but I'm just too selfish to let you go. But is that what you want? Do you want me to let you go? Because if that's what it takes for me to show you how sorry I am, to stop being selfish and let you be happy then I'll do it and I'll live out my miserable life without you. I love you so much and it's time that I show you, I'll let you be free babe."

My tears started to fall at an uncontrollable rate, my mind and my heart were torn. He was giving me an out, an exit strategy and even though my mind was telling me to go, my stupid heart was telling me to make it work. "I don't want to be free, I want you to love me the way I deserve. I want you to show me that your words don't just mean nothing. You tell me you love and I'm you're everything and then you go and do that?"

I say raising my voice as I gesture to our soiled marital bed. "I know, I know. But you feel this right?" He places my hand on his chest to feel his racing heart. "That's what you do to me, my heart is pounding so hard at the thought of losing you. My heart is literally forcing itself out of my chest trying to show you that it only beats for you. I hate that I did this to you but I have a problem and it's either we work through it together or we live our lives without each other. It's your decision."

"What are you saying Chase?"

"I'm saying - I'm saying why don't we redefine our love? I love you and you love me but we both knew that I wasn't cut out for marriage but we both don't want this to end, right? Why don't we try an -"

"An open-marriage?" I felt my throat go dry as I finally understood what he was suggesting. I was confused, I wasn't crying, I wasn't hurting but at the same time, it sounded like a solution to everything. "I want to come home to you every night and I want to be open and honest, I never want to lie to you ever again. I never want to see the look of heartbreak on your face and I think what you suggested is an amazing idea. Our love knows no bounds and if we can make it through this we can make it through anything. You're my number 1, beautiful."