4- Mixed Feelings And Unanswered Questions.

4-Mixed Feelings And Unaswered Questions

[Zayn P.O.V.]

Why is he taking so long to come back? It’s been half an hour already!

Well, I should stop thinking like that. I mean he has a life and he won’t just sit there and talk to me all day, I’m just being selfish here. But, oh boy; how I love talking to him! I can tell just from those little chats how innocent he is, just like I call him; an angel.

I wish I can hear his voice once more. I could never get enough of his voice; it’s still ringing in my head. This deep and husky voice that sent chills down my spine and tingles all over my body. Even though it killed me to hear him crying, I can’t deny that his voice was the best voice I ever heard. I believe that I’m kinda stupid cause I only heard his voice for just five seconds; but then when I think of how those five seconds affected me, I couldn’t care less.

I love how he never asks me questions; he just leaves me to ask him. This shows that he is a shy boy but I know how deep down shy boys are, hmm wild maybe? Wow! I amaze myself and how I can make myself chuckle while sitting all alone in my room.

Anyways, back to the real problem here. Well, it’s not really a problem but I just have this weird feeling inside of me telling me that Harry is in trouble and I can’t just sit here knowing nothing!

I am now pacing back and forth in my room, my phone in my hands; just waiting for a single reply. A simple “Back” would be fine with me! Maybe he just forgot about me and went out with his friends? Or maybe he thought that I’m not worth his time. Well, off course an angel like him wouldn’t wanna waste his time with me.

I’ve sent him three messages already though, so now he would think I’m so desperate. Great! Well, he can think whatever he wanna think. I can’t shut down my feelings and just forget…No.

“Zayn! Dinner is ready sunshine!” Mom screamed from the kitchen downstairs.

“Coming mom!”

Maybe if I have some dinner with my family, it would take my mind off of him a little. So, I placed my phone on my bed and strutted downstairs. I saw my mom placing the food on the dinner table, her back towards me; so I jumped behind her and hugged her from behind. She shrieked and slapped my hand which was around her shoulder jokingly.

“Zayn! You scared the living hell out of me sunshine!” She said.

I kissed her cheek and said, “You know I love you mom. What’s for dinner?”

“Chicken caesural. Your favorite!” She cheered.

I kissed her cheek again and sat down before anybody else. Chicken, oh how I love chicken!

“No! I said give me my poster back! It’s mine! MOOOM! Waliyha took my poster again! Make her give it back to me please!” Safaa came in while screaming and running behind Waliyha who found it funny to tease our little sister. After running two laps around the dinner table, I stopped Safaa when she neared me and placed her on my lap.

“Zaynie! Let me go, I want my poster!” She cried.

I rolled my eyes. What’s with girls and posters? And for God’s sake Safaa is just ten years old, she shouldn’t have posters of guys! Where are her little barbies and dolls? Are they so last year now?

I kissed her forehead and said, “I’ll buy you a new one tomorrow. What do you say?”

Her eyes directly widened with an excited glint in her eyes. “Really?!”

“Yes really, we can go tomorrow after school and buy you a magazine.” I replied.

She instantly hugged me so tightly and cheered, “Yaaaayyyy! I love you Zaynie! You’re the best brother ever!”

“So I’ve been told.” I smirked.

“What about me? Don’t I get one too?” Waliyha asked.

“Nu-uh. You are the reason we are getting one in the first place, so you don’t get one.” I answered.

After that, Dad and Doniya entered the kitchen and we sat around the table and had this delicious dinner; all while Waliyha was busy pouting to show me that she is sad. Well, maybe I’ll surprise her and get her one too. I just hate seeing my sisters sad.

After helping mom with cleaning the table, I excused myself and climbed back upstairs to my room. As soon as I entered, I remembered Harry. I have to admit my sisters really made me lose thoughts about him completely. I wonder if he ever replied.

I walked to my bed and laid down, taking the phone to see if I had any messages; and I did.

I quickly sat up straight and unlocked my screen to see it was Harry indeed. I opened the message excitedly and I wished I never did.

It said:

-I was busy getting beaten up.

Beaten up…

Who would have the heart to beat up such a beautiful soul? How? But why? What?...

I am at a loss for words. My angel...Is he alright?

I wanted to text him back but every time I try to type, my fingers start to shake and I couldn’t even make up some words. Those words that he sent made me feel so- so weak. I don’t even know why. Is it cause I can’t be there with him and comfort him? Or cause I remembered my old self when I was a punching bag for my dear Liam?

Back then, I didn’t have anyone to comfort me when Liam hit me. He would leave me all alone, crying and desperate for some help. He would leave me wondering what I ever did wrong for him to beat me up, and at the end of the day, no one would ever know what happened. I would just enter my front door and run upstairs to my room to avoid my parents and sisters. Off course, they shouldn’t know anything cause I can’t imagine what their reactions would be.

So, after my terrible experience, I know for a fact that if Harry didn’t have anyone with him, he won’t be fine at all. Now, if I asked him if he’s alright and he assured me that he is, I’m sure he would be lying. I just know.

I took a long deep breathe and started to type my reply. Harry needs someone right now and it’s gonna be me.

-My angel. Are you alright? I donno what to say. Just please tell me truthfully how are you feeling? Who did it?

Well, I rambled as a reply…

Right now, I totally regret accusing him of ignoring me or forgetting about me. I’m the most selfish bastard on earth!

I wish I’m in Holmes Chapel, Cheshire right now. If I was there, I wouldn’t stop on hugging him so close to me, to make him feel loved and secured. I would help him clean his wounds and cuddle with him all night if he asks me to. I would shower him with warm assuring kisses if I had to. I would never leave his side, but only if I was there.

However, the most important thing I would do there is beat the fucked up person who dared to lay a finger on my angel. I was angry; no furious at whoever did it! All what I can think about right now is that he doesn’t deserve this and he would never deserve such a thing.

I grabbed the nearest thing to me; which was a pillow, and threw it across the room. It hit the opposite wall with a loud thud but I don’t even care about it right now. Why am I feeling like that? How, just how can a freaking simple voice affect me so much?

I ran my fingers through my black hair, frustrated. Why isn’t he answering? Doesn’t he know that worry is eating me up over here?!

Arghhh! Who will answer all of my questions?

[Harry P.O.V.]

I never regretted anything in my life the way I regret sending this last message.

Why did I tell her that I was getting beaten up? Wasn’t I thinking? Who am I kidding? Off course I wasn’t thinking! I never think!

Now, she would think that I’m a weak boy who can’t defend himself. She would think that such a wimp is not worth her time. I mean why would she wanna talk to me? I deserve the beating I get cause I think that me not remembering what happened the night my brother died is because I was involved in it. I think that the memory of that night is erased from my mind cause I want it to vanish. As stupid as it might sound, I can’t help but lay these options in front of me. So, maybe dad is right. Maybe I did kill Sebastian.

Maybe I am a cold blooded killer.

Just then, I felt my phone slip out of my hands to the floor next to me. I was shaking uncontrollably; I couldn’t even hold a freaking phone. My shaky hands clutched my brown curls so tightly, I’m sure my knuckles turned whiter than a ghost.

But, I am wrong right? I couldn’t have killed him because if a person kills someone, they would never be able to forget how it happened. They would feel so guilty, and I don’t. So it can’t be true.

For how much longer would I be able to handle this? Will I live like that forever?

I always sit and think about my future. No one will ever love me if they knew that I’m damned. No one will ever wanna be with me knowing that I’m an abomination, to my family, to my home-town, to everyone in this world. So, I will always be lonely and hated by everyone around me. I will rot in here, hiding in these walls. The walls that make up my room. But, is my room really safe?

I don’t have an answer for that.

I just wanna be free. I wanna live a normal happy teenage life, where I open my eyes in the morning, knowing that I have my best friends waiting for me in school to start a new day together. A life where I get down to have breakfast with dad and mom and Gemma every morning, just because I can and then at the end of the day, we would sit around the dinner table sharing the events that happened to every one of us during the day.

“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!” I suddenly yelled at the top of my lungs. It’s like a bomb was buried deep down in the ground and finally blew up. I just, I just needed to let everything out.

I quickly stood up and started to throw everything near me across the room, just to ease this pain and anger inside of me. I could hear the sound of glass chattering indicating that I broke something but I didn’t care. How can I care?

How?

I then collapsed on my knees again to the hard welcoming floor.

“HOW?! How, just how can I care?!! Ahh Why don’t you just let me know what I fucking did to you all?!! I was the perfect child anyone could ask for! I still am! Why don’t you leave me alone?! Why? Why? WHY?!” I was at the point where I just screamed random words at nothing in particular. Or maybe it’s the fact that I knew they could hear me downstairs, so I just shouted my unanswered questions. I was sobbing and crying my eyes out, but I donno if there was any tears left to poor down my face…

I know that I won’t see tomorrow though cause I can hear my father’s footsteps climbing up the stairs towards my walls. Will I get another round of beating now? I’m positive I will, cause this time I walked past my limits. In one way or another, I screamed at my dad. Let’s face the hurtful truth, the words I said were unconditionally aimed towards him and I can’t deny that.

I closed my eyes, preparing myself for what’s about to come. I heard my door being opened roughly that it bumped into the wall behind with a loud thump. I could hear his approaching footsteps, arriving so slowly, one at a time until they stand still in front of my weak fragile figure.

Pain seems to be the reason why I live now. Is it weird if I say that without pain, my life feels kinda wrong? It’s just that pain became a huge part of my life that I find it hard not to have it at all. Call me suicidal but that’s the truth.

So that’s what I did. I let the pain reach every single part of my body until I blacked out under the merciless hands of my father when I could hear the fading sounds of his shouting, saying how I deserve to die and all the usual painful stuff he says.

I blacked out as the last thought that came to my mind was, please let me die.

“Ughh” I groaned as I felt a huge weight on my body. It’s like I couldn’t move at all and if I try, pain will directly shoot through my whole body.

I felt something soft caressing my forehead, which made me open my green eyes to find out what it could be. As soon as I saw a hand in my plain of vision, I flinched and tried to move backwards away from whoever is trying to hurt me; which in turn caused every single inch of my body to ache, earning a whimper out of my mouth.

“Hey, relax. It’s just me, I won’t hurt you.” I heard the voice of non-other than my sister.

I looked up to meet her eyes. “G-Gemma?” I was shocked to see her here.

“Don’t act so surprised and don’t think too much into this. I’m just here cause you blacked out and there wasn’t anyone willing to help you out other than me. Other than that, you wouldn’t even see me here.” She quickly explained.

To say I was hurt is an understatement.

“W-What happened?” I asked.

I was now lying on my bed and I could swear that the last thing I remember was me sprawled on the bedroom floor, gasping for air after each one of dad’s blows.

“After you blacked out Friday night, I- with a lot of struggling- carried you to your bed. Then I just took a look at your wounds and they seemed fine to me but you wouldn’t even wake up. It’s now that you finally opened your eyes.” She said.

What does she mean by now? For how long have I been sleeping?

“What do you mean now? For how long-“

“It’s Sunday Harry.” She just said that with a sad smile and walked out of my room; but before she closed the door she said, “And take a look at your stupid phone will you? It hasn’t stopped beeping for two days!”

Sunday? It’s been two days?! He really went overboard with the beating this time cause I never blacked out for such a long period of time. I guess I was really exhausted and needed to shut my body off for some time.

My phone? Who could it be? Is it Zelda?

I looked at my night stand to see my phone there. After much of struggling and groaning, I finally had it in my hands. I was shocked to see that I had over twenty messages, all from her. Mostly, they all said that she was really worried and pleading for me to say something so that she knows I’m fine.

So, I dug deep into my brain to think of suitable words to reply to her. It was hard because I wasn’t so sure if I can trust her with everything. But on the other hand, she did live far away from me and it’s not like I will ever see her. Maybe I can turn my misery into words and send them to Zelda after all.

Maybe.

[Zayn P.O.V.]

He didn’t reply again after I sent him my message and this left me restless. I couldn’t even close my eyes to try and sleep that night, knowing that Harry might be in deep trouble.

Morning came by and I was still sitting on my bed, holding this stinking piece of technology, waiting for my angel to reply; but he didn’t.

I got up and plugged my phone in the charger then entered my bathroom to take a relaxing shower before it’s time to school.

After that, I put on clothes that brings out the bad boy image and fixed my quiff to match perfection. However, looking in the mirror, I noticed that I have bloodshot eyes from the lack of sleep. So, I put on a pair of black sun glasses to avoid questions from my friends which have no reasonable answers.

I put my phone in my back pocket and ran downstairs.

“Zaynie! Are you still taking me out today like you promised yesterday?” My baby girl asked.

I bent down and scooped her in my arms with a tight hug. “Sure, I’ll tell mom that I’ll pick you up from your school to take you with me directly. What do you say?”

She just nodded eagerly and started yawning. I just have the cutest little sister ever don’t I? I kissed her forehead and placed her back down then talked to mom and agreed about everything. After that, I turned my motor-bike on and drove to school.

Since mom didn’t agree on the idea of Safaa with me on the motorcycle, I’m gonna have to go home later to get her so that we go buy her what she wants. I just want this day to end already.

I parked my bike in the nearest parking spot and walked through the school doors. I wonder if I will ever see Harry, like face to face. I bet a million dollars that he is beautiful the same way he sounds. Ughh , right now I should worry more about his condition, not the way he looks like!

I was too wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn’t notice Niall trying to speak to me.

“Zayn! Z, are you alright man?! I’ve been talking to you for like five minutes now!” He said.

“Uh, yeah yeah I’m good.” I replied.

“Uh-huh. I donno why I’m not believing that.” Ni retorted.

“Just forget about it!” I snapped. Niall flinched at my sudden change in tone, instantly making me feel guilty.

“I’m sorry Ni, I just have too much stuff going on.” I apologized.

“It’s fine Z. Come on let’s find Lou and head to first period.”

By the time lunch break came around, I was practically giving up on life. I just can’t take this slow day anymore or maybe it’s just the fact that Harry never replied that’s keeping me on edge I donno.

I am now sitting with Niall and Louis at our usual table when that bitch appeared again from behind me. I felt her bend down to reach my ear level and whisper, “So babe, won’t you ever change your mind about me?”

Now this finally made me lose my cool and snap. She just pushed my last button.

“Listen here Grande, this is one of those days when I won’t mind hitting a girl; especially if that girl is you so you either back off which let me tell you is the right thing to do, or let me show you who the real Zayn Malik is! So, what do you choose?!” I boomed at her in the middle of the cafeteria.

She stared back at me with fear so evident in her eyes, and then ran away with tears streaming down her face.

“Zayn, man what’s up with you today?” Lou asked.

“Just, just leave me alone!” I said and quickly stormed out of the cafeteria and all the way to the back of the school to sit there under the school’s famous huge tree.

I took my phone out and started to type a message.

-Angel, please answer me. You’re making me sick with worry! Just at least let me know if you’re fine.

After that, I found myself finally heading home to get Safaa. However, I wasn’t so excited for our day out together like I was yesterday. It didn’t feel right.

It was seven pm when Safaa and I finally came back home. She was satisfied by her magazine, candies, chocolate, and every goody she might ever need for a week; and I was so tired, I could probably sleep for a whole month.

So, after surprising Waliyha with the magazine I bought her and after receiving lots of sisterly kisses from her, I slumped down on my bed; willing sleep to kidnap me towards the land of darkness.

I woke up early on Saturday morning and my mind directly slipped to my phone. I reached out for it and saw that I had no messages. After that, I couldn’t even act like I’m happy cause I was so worried, so worried Harry might be dead. I kept on dodging all the questions from my parents and sisters, not having an answer to any of them. And, by the time night time rolled by, I was lying on my bed willing sleep to kidnap me yet again.

Me:-Harry, my angel. I need to tell you something.

Him:- What is it Zelda?

Me:-This is actually a confession. I just wanna say that I’m so sorry for lying to you about this and I’m sorry for telling you this now after everything that happened. Harry, I’m actually a boy and my name is Zayn Malik. I didn’t tell you that before cause I was afraid you wouldn’t wanna talk to me when I really wanted to talk to you. Angel, I’m really sorry..

Him:- What?! How could you lie to me all this time?! I thought you said you loved me! I thought you were the only person who was true to me. I thought you really cared!

Me:-But I do care Harry! I do love you! That’s why I lied. I’m such a selfish bastard who wanted to talk to you and didn’t tell you the truth when you deserved nothing but the truth! Harry, please forgive me! I really love you! I love you so much it hurts!

Him:-No! Stop lying to me! How could you say that?! Just, don’t ever talk to me again!

“No!” I shot up in my bed. I was sweating and I could feel the cover sticking to my body.

I looked around me, searching for my phone to see it laying on the night stand next to me. This was just a dream? A nightmare? Oh thank God! I couldn’t handle it if it was real!

I confessed to Harry and the result was really bad. This left me thinking of weather I was doing the right thing or not. Maybe hiding the truth isn’t so useful after all. Maybe this will lead to further problems that I don’t wanna get into.

Maybe I should tell Harry everything..

And that’s when I finally heard my phone vibrate on this fine yet scary Sunday morning.

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Fin.