Chapter 5

“I know you do.” Luther watched me fix the tea, his lips curving slightly. “You’ve gotten better at that. Do you remember when Ms. Lacey was making Thanksgiving dinner for your new business partners, rushing around because you’d forgotten to tell her Ted Brosner was allergic to nuts? You kept apologizing while trying to make yourself a tea and spilled the milk all over yourself. Almost knocked over the cup of boiling water before she took over.”

My cheeks heated as I set down the kettle after filling both cups. I’d been all of twenty-one, with more money then I knew what to do with after several of my designs were bought by fashion moguls. I hadn’t acquired the mansion yet, but I had a large house I shared with Luther, the butler who’d left my father’s employ to work for me, and several maids we’d had to hire to take care of the house.

An older entrepreneur had taken me aside at a big event and told me I should be producing my own designs, rather than selling them. Her name was Ashlee Madison, a transgender woman who worked on technological advances for several companies and had started her own business days before her fiftieth birthday, having established herself enough that even the most conservative were willing to work with her, even if in secret.

She came to my house with Ted Brosner, her long-time lover, both invested in my success for some reason I still couldn’t fathom. They’d built the kind of life I wanted to have, so I’d invited them over. I’d been nervous. A complete mess. And Luther hadn’t known how to calm me down.

But Ms. Lacey had. She’d worked for the elite before and considered me one of them, though I hadn’t seen myself that way. She sent me away to change my suit, then sat me down at the table while the turkey was cooking.

“Xavier, baby, you’re doing just fine. I wish you’d see that.” She set a cup of tea in front of me, just the way I liked it, even though she’d been there less than a day. She was a small woman, a mix of Chinese and Haitian, and one of the strongest people I’d ever met. “I hope you don’t mind me being informal for a moment, but you remind me of my son. You’re so young and you’re trying to do so much. Someone needs to tell you they’re proud of you. Will you let it be me?”

That was the last time I remembered crying. I’d gone almost four years after being kicked out of my home and never shed a tear. I’d been too obsessed with proving I didn’t need my father. Didn’t need his money. Didn’t care if he tried to cut me off from the only world I’d ever known. Didn’t need the pathetic excuse for a family…

“I’m not paying you to coddle me.” I lowered my gaze as the tears fell, powerless to stop them. “But…thank you. And please don’t tell Luther I…I let this get to me. He’s afraid that I’m not ready, but I am.” I lifted my head as she put her hand on my arm, the gesture making it so I stopped trying to hide my tears. “I am.”

She cupped my face in her hand. “I know you are, honey. But that man of yours loves you. Don’t be afraid to lean on him. He needs to know how much you need him.”

“And I need him to be here because he wants to be, not because he thinks I can’t do this on my own.”

“Xavier, he doesn’t think that. He believes in you. I hope one day you’ll realize letting people care for you isn’t a weakness.” She smiled and patted my cheek. “Not that I’ll give you a choice.”

If Ms. Lacey had been working for my fledgling company not long after, I’d probably have fired her for that. But she was part of the home I was trying to build, and she found a way to fill a role in my life that no one else could. I’d still learned to close off part of myself to her over the years, but no more than she allowed. She’d helped me become the man I was today by refusing to back off, while still letting me grow.

Even if she didn’t always approve.

Her disapproval was a sign that I still had a long way to go.

She’d been expressing that disapproval more lately. Ever since Alexander had come here. He’d been taken under her wing as expected. If I hurt him in any way, she’d never forgive me.

For the next week, I’d have to make sure she was never too far. Because I didn’t trust myself not to fuck up. Alexander wasn’t me. He’d managed to survive losing his family without becoming hard and cold and I wanted to keep it that way. But I was the last person to show him how.

“What’s bothering you, Xavier?” Luther stepped around the island, taking the mug I handed him and studying my face. “You’re thinking hard.”

Bringing my own mug to my lips, I inhaled the steam, letting the warmth and the first sip center me. The brew was strong, with no more than a splash of milk and half a teaspoon of sugar to bring out the flavor. I set the mug on the gleaming granite countertop, rolling my shoulders and trying to sort through my thoughts.

“Any uncertainty may come across as a reason for you to stay and I won’t allow that.” I stroked my thumb up the side of the mug, my hand still curved around it. “You’ve been eager to see your brother after being apart for so long.”

“I am cautiously optimistic, yes.” The edge of his lips tightened slightly as he looked past me, his expression troubled. “He couldn’t live with my ‘lifestyle’ before. Speaking to him over this past month has me believing he’s changed his views, but we’re strangers to one another now.”

“That could change.”

“And it might not.” He sighed and shook his head. “I’m not certain I want it too. He’s not the little boy who looked up to me, always wanting me to teach him things and tag along when I went out with my friends. He’s the man who looked at me with disgust before cutting me out of his life. That fucking hurt.”

I nodded slowly. We’d discussed this before, but Luther’s words hadn’t been so raw then. He’d been trying to talk himself into visiting his brother while giving me all the reasons he should. Had simply showing support been the right move? Telling him I’d be fine, that I’d spend time with Alexander, that I’d listen to Luther’s second-in-command and be safe…had any of that been enough?