Chapter 5: Robbie's POV

Damnit, Sam! Damnit me. I'm such an idiot. Why did I tell her I loved her? Because I do. I'm old enough to admit that now. Old enough to know what rejection is. She didn't say it back. How can she fool? She's engaged. But she came back to my house.

We haven't been that close in ages. It's been so long since I touched a woman. I thought I did the right thing. I stopped when I was supposed to. And asked permission. All the things I know Sam would like.

I wasn't planning to have sex with her. She just wanted to test the waters out. But for what, to find out the truth? And she still isn't at my side.

God, I'm such an idiot. Maybe, I can blame my feelings on the alcohol I had with Percy. Alcohol makes me talk; Sam knows that. I'm pissed at her. She didn't even say anything. What am I supposed to do now? I can't be at the wedding; I can't watch the wedding. It's decided I'm not going.

I grab my keys and head out the door. The air on my face makes me feel alive. My mom pulls into the driveway. I wish I had my own place to live. Luckily, I'm invisible enough to come and go whenever I want. I pay rent and am making my way through school.

I wish I were brave, brave like dad. He fought for our country. He killed men, saved men, and was awarded the medal of freedom. He was a war hero. But, if I tried hard enough, could I be brave?

My future isn't looking so bright. Maybe, I should join the army and be turned into a man. My dad died when I was in high school. I don't like to talk about it because it was my fault. It's my fault a war hero died. He died because I'm reckless.

If I joined the army, it wouldn't bring my dad back. But it would help me come to terms with it. And with Sam rejecting me, there's nothing for me here. I always thought Sam would grow old with me. We'd be in our thirties and realize we were meant to be together this whole time. But then she went to England and met someone far better than I will ever be.

Despite telling her my feelings, she rejected me by not accepting me. The army would be my chance to start over. I have no woman holding me back, no family obligations tying me down. I'm the perfect candidate. It's decided then, tomorrow when the sun comes up. I'm joining the army.

I sit at the desk in my bedroom and decide to write Sam a letter. I don't know if I will ever give it to her. But it will help me get my thoughts out. So I grab the pen on my desk and write a letter the old fashion way:

Dear Sam,

I've done a lot of thinking. I want you to be happy, and I know you will never be with me. But that's fine. Despite all our years together, it is what it is. I know these last few days have been confusing for both of us.

I don't know who I am or what I want. I thought that was you. But the truth is you're getting married, and I'm letting you go. I'm letting you go because I can't make you happy the way Mark can. I'm letting you go because it's the right thing to do.

I've decided to join the army. I want to follow in my father's footsteps. There's nothing left for me here; I realize that now. So please don't feel bad for me; I'm excited about this. I will get to be who I was born to be.

I meant what I said to you the other day. I do love you; that will never change. Perhaps I've always known I've felt this way toward you. But, for me, it started on Prom night when neither of us had a date.

The army is perfect for someone like me. I have nothing tying me down or holding me back. I won't be at your wedding; I'm sure you understand. Just tell me where I can send a gift.

All the best,

Robbie Garvie

This letter looks pathetic and desperate. But it's how I feel right here and now. I don't show my feelings, and I think keeping this letter to myself is for the best. If Sam read it, she would want to talk; out of guilt, she might be mine. If she ever does like me, I want it to be because it's what she wants. I don't want her to be with me out of guilt or obligation.

I know what it's like to be an obligation. I've been that to my mother my whole life. I don't need that with Sam. I could try dating Missy or Hazel, but I fail to see the point. None of them are Sam. I wanted Sam, but she closed that door.

When doors close, that's it. No windows are opening for me. No cracks are breaking through. Either you're in, or you're out. And Sam decided to be out. So be it. Who needs Sam Laplow anyway?

I chug a beer and hit the sack. I want to feel numb and drown out the world, all because of Sam.