Chapter 1 - Sick and tired

TARA'S POV

"Did you hear me?!" He barked for the third time. Of course she didn't hear him, she never hears him ...

I sighed, exasperated. "Lukas ..." I tried to mend, but of course, he was in for the kill, as he always is when it comes to her. I wonder, how can't he see the similarities? She's his carbon copy, for Pete's sakes. I wouldn't have been here with them, I wasn't supposed to be, but I knew they would fight and, as the counselor says, the more we are able to avoid conflict, the better. As mother, I'm obviously supposed to be the referee between them, try to tone down the conflict, but I gotta be honest, it's getting harder and harder day by day.

"Nicole!" He barked, my poor eardrums suffering it all. Glancing in the rearview mirror, predictably, I saw my daughter unscathed, still intent on listening to her music, which I could hear, too, given how loud it was. Good thing I dropped off Gloria and Zach before drama took place.

I don't blame my husband for being angry, this is the third school she changes in a matter of months, next step is going to be Catholic college, I'm afraid, he's determined, and I'm not that much against it either, if I gotta be honest.

I'm so tired of coming back home to their fights, they can never be in the same room without waging war. Ugh, it was so easy when she was a child ... daddy here, daddy there, now she hates even the sight of him. Sometimes I do, too, but that's different. I mean, I'm his wife, after all the crap throughout the years, I have every right to hate his guts.

"What?!" Nicky groaned when he slipped off her headphones, which obviously had a brutally cold stare contest follow. Eyes in slits, jaws clenching, teeth gritting ... the storm was about to hit us. Again.

Hence, I sighed, rolling my eyes as I turned to the backseat. "Nicky, grab your things and go to class." I ordered, trying to balance sweetness with authority. I'd never thought I'd be the good cop in parenting, but, well, I guess that when you marry a former bad boy, it's obvious you sign up for that role. My daughter is the result of two stubborn bulls like me and her father, so it's no surprise that she didn't budge. "Nicky ... you'll be late. Come on, go. We'll talk later."

Three never-ending minutes of unbearable tension later, my 16-years-old daughter finally decided to listen for once. She grabbed her backpack and, scowling, she stepped off the car, obviously ignoring her father as he yelled they weren't over yet.

"Why the hell did you let her leave?!" Lukas barked against me. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes as I gripped the wheel tighter. I wasn't in the mood to fight, not again, I'm so damn tired of all this, so freaking tired. Ignoring his rant about how am I supposed to stick by his side, back him up when he faces our daughter's tantrums, that if I keep on spoiling her, she's gonna wind up on a bad route – worse than she's already been, that is –, and blah, blah, blah.

It's my fault. According to my husband, it's absolutely and undoubtedly my fault if our daughter is so undisciplined, I spoiled her, I stuck by her side, stood up for her every time he scolded her, so it's my fault, I made of her the rotten, ungrateful smart ass she is.

I drove off, trying hard to tune my husband out, because, really, I wasn't at all in the mood for another fight, my job is killing me, I have two children to raise while the third one puts me through hell on a regular basis, and to top it all off, my husband is a jerk for crying out loud. No, I don't have the patience for this.6

When 18 years ago I accepted to form a family together, I really didn't imagine it would be so hard. Yes, I did consider there would be ups and downs, but I thought we could overcome them, when we met up for the high school reunion 12 years ago, I thought we could survive through everything, because we'd already had our crises ... I never fathomed this.

Being almost 40 and stuck in an unhappy marriage is not at all what I prefigured. Not one bit.

"Are you even listening to me, Tara?!" Lukas barked, so close to my ear that it trembled with the noise.

I clenched my fists so tightly against the wheel that my knuckles turned white, I gritted my teeth, and once I'd pulled over in front of the clinic where he works, I finally snapped: "Has it ever occurred to you that she is her father at her age?! She is you, Lukas! She is exactly like you! Did it ever help you to have your dad treat you like shit?! No! Then do not make the same fucking mistake!"

He glared at me, predictably, his face livid. "I had my reasons to be-"

"Ugh, don't drag your late mother into this! You were only a fucking asshole! And your daughter is the fucking same!" I raised my voice. My temples were already pulsing, and I was as tense as a bowstring, having barely slept, as usual, nervous because of the meeting I had at the office, and damn furious because of all the rest. I'm not 21, I cannot tolerate his shit anymore. I barely did when we were young, imagine now.

"So it's my fault?! You're the one that spoiled her!" Lukas accused, because that's his most favorite line of defense.

"I spoiled her? I? Who gave her everything she wanted? Who allowed her everything when she was a child? Who never taught her to respect authority?!" I argued back, just as livid as he was, turning to look into those blue eyes. I used to be a captive of those, you know, but 18 years of marriage wear out even the best couple, so now, in those blue eyes, I didn't see my future, the man I was looking at was not the love of my life. Not anymore.8

That's why, before he could say anything more, I turned back to the road, and murmured a simple: "Get out." Before I say something I might regret, that is.

"See? That's how you ruined our daughter! Always avoiding conflict, always picking the coward route! You never stood up to her, you just let her win, every fucking time!"

I closed my eyes once again, my jaw clenching so tightly that my teeth were starting to hurt. I'm so tired of being his safe valve, I'm so fucking tired of him blaming it all on me, while it's him to be in the wrong, it's him to have ruined everything with his fucking "mistakes", it's him to have spoiled what we had.

"Maybe, your daughter hates you for a reason." I spat, unable to retain myself, as I turned back to him, my eyes mere slits. "Maybe, had you kept it in the pants, hadn't your daughter caught you screwing her best friend's mother, maybe, she wouldn't hate you, don't you think?!"57

Lukas groaned, raking a hand through his hair. "How many times are you gonna use that card? For how long are you gonna hold it against me for something that happened three fucking years ago!"7

I gritted my teeth, eyes intently on the man I've loved more than my own skin. We've lived a real idyll, we've been so incredibly happy ... I should have known nothing lasts forever.

"Never." I unlocked the door for him. "Now get out."

"You're no saint either, Tara. You can't blame me when you've been just as bad."

"I didn't fuck my neighbor."

"You fucked your employer, though."18

I groaned loud, exasperated. "I did not!" I screamed, hitting the wheel. "You are the whore between us, Lukas! I did not once, not one single time cheat on you! Instead you ... you bastard made me the joke of our whole neighborhood!"

"As if you even needed help in that!"

I shot the most daggers I could, hoping to incinerate him just with one look. How the hell could I fall for him? Why the hell did I even marry him? I should have stuck with Aaron. I should have listened to my inner self when she told me what a mistake it would be. My sister was right, Lukas is a player, how could I ever expect he would be loyal?

"Get out." I ordered, my tongue barely tied. People outside were already trying to peek inside, to see what was going on in the car, but I didn't care. Let them watch, let them know the great Dr. Lukas Bennet, the man they adore, is only a cheating asshole.

"It's not over, Tara. We'll need to talk tonight, we-"

"Get. Out."

"For once in our fucking life, don't be a whiny child, for God's sake!"1

"I said, get out!" I conveyed the most hatred I could in one look and four words, my whole ribcage trembling for how loud I shouted. I could already feel nervous tears prickle behind my eyes, but I would not give him this satisfaction, I would not cry in front of him again, that time is over. I used to let go of my every weakness with him, I used to take refuge in his arms every time I needed to be weak. Not anymore. There's nothing left of the man I've loved. Or maybe the man I loved was never there in the first place.

"I was right." Lukas murmured as he placed his hand on the handle. "You are a whiny child. You were back then, and you still are. I don't even know why I-"

"What?! You don't even know what?! Huh?! You're only an immature piece of crap, trying to blame on me the failure you are as a man. The great Dr. Bennet ..." I snorted. "You might be good at your job, but you awfully suck with the rest, Lukas. You're a shitty father and a shitty husband. Your daughter knows that, that's why she hates you. You-"

Before I could finish, I felt the harsh sting on my face. My eyes widened. He didn't just ... "How ... dare you! You bastard!" I backed away, not in fear, but in anger.48

"Tara ..."

"No! Don't you touch me! Get out of my car! Right now! Before I call the cops, get out!" I screamed bloody murder, seeing red already. He just fucking slapped me! He did it! He dared hit me, his palm did actually collide with my face! 10

I used to think he was the best man I could have ever had, now I see light ... the old irascible bad boy never died, he's still there, hidden, waiting to come out at the unexpected. Well, I'm not gonna play his game, not anymore. I've forgiven him enough, I'm sick and tired of his shit.

"Tara, I'm sorry, I didn't mean ... I'm sorry. I was mad, you got me mad, I-"

"Lukas, get the fuck out. Right now. Get. The fuck. Out."

"Tara ..." He stretched a hand to brush my cheek, but I pulled back.

"I didn't mean to do it!" Ugh, they all say that. Every time. Stupid moron. My fists clenched. People outside were more than interested now, and amongst the small crowd, I could see the bitch. Valentine, his intern. 25, blonde, with a body made for sin. She's been planning to sink her claws into my husband since day one. I bet he's already screwing her. Judging by her grin as she watched us, she was enjoying the scene. They're screwing, I'm sure they are.2

"Tara, come on. Let's calm down, alright? We're both tense and angry because of the troubles with Nicky and-"

"Oh, and that justifies you hitting your wife?!"

"I didn't mean it!"

"They all say that!"1

"Ugh, you can't be seriously comparing me to such bastards! I've never once laid a hand on you!"2

"You just fucking slapped me!"

"I didn't mean to!"

"But you did!"

He groaned, punching the panel, causing me to flinch the slightest, mostly at the suddenness. "I'm so sick and tired of all your scenes, Tara. You keep on blaming me for everything, I'm sick of it all."1

I gritted my teeth, for once agreeing. "Good. So am I." I didn't even look at him as I finally spat it out loud, after having kept it tucked inside my throat for so long. I stared ahead, my eyes bloodshot, my heart aching, my mind hazy but determined. We cannot go on like this, it's time to end this lunacy. "I want divorce."