Chapter 10

Thinking of the conversation he’d overheard between Reed and Matt, Curtis nodded slowly, passing his tongue over his teeth. “He wants to play hardcore and doesn’t think it’s something he could have with me. That’s why he was fighting with Sin. Why he told himself a story about not having decided whether to throw the fight yet or not when he’d promised me he wasn’t planning to do it.” Passing a hand down his face, Curtis breathed deep when his fingers brushed over the bruise from Lawson’s slap. “I don’t normally play that way, he’s right. But I’d do it for him. I’d do anything to see him happy again.”

Lawson nodded slowly, taking his time with his next sip. “I’ve never known Reed to have that much foresight, Curtis. When he took Tracey’s nail polish, he was in the moment, reacting on what came to him right then. He probably didn’t know exactly why he did it. So when asked, he struggled to come up with reasons.” He drew in a measured breath. “I truly believe he meant that promise. But maybe you know his motives better than I do.”

“I doubt it. I’ve had to work harder at reading him than anyone I’ve ever known.” Standing, Curtis waded over the flooring boxes he’d had to leave in the middle of the living room until someone could help him move Lawson’s heavier furniture. He palmed the back of his own neck, staring down at it. “Getting the same flooring throughout is proving a challenge. There’s going to be more mess before there’s less mess.”

There was the soft sound of Lawson’s leathers against the sofa as he shifted, resting his calf on his opposite knee. “That’s usually how it goes. We’ll all put in the work, share the weight of it...along with the rewards.” His lips curved as his gaze took in the space. “Once, the chaos would’ve aggravated me. But you helped me to see the potential beyond the process. It’s made many of the changes exciting. I love coming home from work and seeing what you’ve done.”

“I’m planning to have it done before the holidays. Classes are on break until then.” Most of his students were no-shows for two or three lessons between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, so he’d decided to take some time to focus on finishing up the loft before then. “We can put the living room furniture in the other half and I’ll do the floor in here along with the trim work before we decide what to do with the other living room space.”

“That sounds good. I still can’t lift as much as you or Matt, but I have two good hands.” Lawson brushed his hand down the center of his chest, a subconscious gesture he didn’t seem aware of as he studied every area of the room Curtis had mentioned. “And I’ve noticed Reed enjoys doing a lot of the work with you. I’ll have to find that other boot so he’s doing it safely. I’m wondering if the boot was with the shoe because he couldn’t find it and improvised.”

Curtis snorted, able to picture just that. Scanning the room, he mentally searched out where he thought the shoe and boot might be. “I’m building him a walk-in closet. With lots of organizers. And a giant mirror surrounded by flashing neon. That much I do know.”

“He’ll love that.” Lawson's expression softened as he let out a quiet laugh. “He still won’t be able to find a single thing. But at least it’ll be a bit easier to help him. I’m looking forward to walking in there and seeing him putting on his own personal fashion show. I asked Jacks to make him a custom piece the other day when the whole glitter repair came up. I may end up regretting it, but the man looked excited.”

“I miss watching you two together…” It had been a while since Lawson had the surgery to remove the tracker the mercenaries had embedded in his heart tissue. His body was ready, but Curtis sometimes wondered if maybe his mind wasn’t, and he didn’t want to press. The statement was the closest he’d come.

Lawson’s brow creased. “Me and Reed? Or me and Matt? Because I recall some mornings where you’ve proved you’re still quite the voyeur and you don’t mind being woken up as much as you pretend. My husband doesn’t mind having you there either. Then again, I don’t think he ever did.”

It had been a long long time since anything had made Curtis blush, but apparently Lawson had touched on a nerve he didn’t know he had. Heat raced across Curtis’s cheeks, forcing him to look away.

“I’m going to get his favorite sheets on the bed and pick up the bedroom.” Curtis glanced at his phone. “How long do you think he’ll be? Do you think he’ll be hungry? I could ask Keiran to make him something light that won’t upset his stomach.”

Rubbing his hand over his mouth, Lawson shook his head. “I’m not sure, but it couldn’t hurt? I’d imagine his stomach will be sensitive after something like this. But also very empty. He’ll likely be thirsty too, but water will probably be best.”

Having a purpose felt better. Settling. Pushing through the plastic, Curtis went to the bedroom he’d shared with Reed since moving into Reed’s loft and giving his own over to Garet. He yanked the sheets off the bed, throwing them and the duvet to the floor, along with the pillows. Dragging sheets from the bottom dresser drawer, he began to make the bed.

If only life were so easy to unmake and put back together.

He’d planned to propose to Reed tonight in front of everyone. Instead, he’d only trashed their relationship and aired laundry as dirty as the sheets on the floor. His boy lay in Jared’s arms, receiving care from another Dom. A doctor. All because Curtis hadn’t been able to hold his shit together.

The pain registered first, and then the glass on the floor, the window cracking beneath his fist. Sliding to the floor in the heap of blankets, he bundled Reed’s Raincloud Bear in his hand and buried his face in its belly.

Rapid footsteps came down the hall, Lawson shoving open the partially closed door. He rushed to Curtis’s side, crouching beside him and raking his fingers through his hair. “Curtis, look at me. I need you to listen to me very carefully.” His dark green eyes held Curtis’s. “It’s going to be okay. I’m going to help you through this. All this talk about trust… Trust me.”

“I trust you, Lawson. With everything.” Voice hoarse, Curtis swallowed hard, his eyes shockingly dry. “I don’t trust myself.”

“Well, then I’ll have to trust you enough for the both of us. Tonight was shit, I get that. Tomorrow doesn’t have to be. Things reached a breaking point and it’s what we do next that matters.” Lawson leaned in to brush a kiss over Curtis’s lips. “I’ll be right here. We’re in this together.”

He closed his eyes, needing to believe Lawson’s words. “I should’ve been able to help him. Why am I so blind to his needs? I can help Matt...the boys when they were younger… How?” Curtis opened his eyes on the last part. “And I made you go places tonight I know you never wanted to go.”

The last seemed to hit Lawson as though Curtis was taking a swing at him again in the middle of a blind rage. But he nodded, sliding his hand from Curtis’s hair to trace his fingers down his cheek. “I love you. I saw when you came back to yourself. I’m sorry for slapping you, but also...not. Because I knew you wouldn’t have liked yourself very much in that moment. And I needed my man back. The one who I’ve been fucking grateful to have standing at my side for years. The one who was there for both our boys when I couldn’t be.”

“I enjoy it more when you do it while my ass is tied up in the dungeon.” Making a bit of a joke felt better than remembering that moment. And yet, his man deserved more… Curtis covered Lawson’s hand with his own, pressing it tight to his cheek. “Thank you. I’ll do my best to make sure you never have to do that again.”

“I’d appreciate that. But…” Lawson blew out a breath, laughing lightly as though trying to keep things from getting too heavy himself. “It was validating in some ways. I’ve gotten a bit too big for anyone to easily push around.”

Curtis chuckled, raising his brows. “Are you actually telling me to act out like Matt when I want your attention? So you can flex your Dom muscles?”

That got him one of Lawson’s rare smirks. “You weren’t doing that already? I need to up my game, I thought I was pretty good at reading you.”

“Yeah, but it never worked since we stopped fighting in the ring.” Winking, Curtis gave Lawson’s shoulder a tiny punch, hissing when his fist impacted. He brought his knuckles to his mouth, speaking around them. “Ow.”

Snorting, Lawson pushed to his feet, holding his hand out to help Curtis up. “We’ll get back in the ring one day, my man. And honestly, that might be a good place for you to work through some of this trouble between you and our boy. You both reach that edge in different ways, but you also seem to find release when you can hit things. And you’ve had some interesting conversations when you’re facing off between the ropes.”

“That’s not a bad idea. He hasn’t been coming to the dojo. That first time still lingers, I think.” If there was anything Curtis could envision sharing—though there were many—fighting Reed, training with Reed, working their bodies into a sweat and falling into a slippery heap after, was at the top of that list. “We haven’t. Since the glitterscapade after I came back.” He followed Lawson to the kitchen, sitting on a stool while his man took an ice pack from the freezer. “The dungeon needs to see more fun, but...I’m beginning to feel like Noah about audiences.”

Lawson inclined his head as he wrapped the ice pack in a dish towel and brought it over to rest it gently against Curtis’s knuckles. “It’s our space. You could always follow Noah’s example—or Jared’s—and use it when the place is closed. I have. Rarely, because play between myself and Matt doesn’t usually need props, but we’ve had some good scenes together. The feel of the dungeon when the whole space is yours is very different.”

“Thank you.” Curtis tipped his head, indicating the ice pack. “I always wondered if Matt’d enjoy more if he weren’t so shy about things. It’s like he thinks he shouldn’t. Some internalized prejudice about the lifestyle, because the times I’ve pushed him he goes real high, real fast.”

“Yes. But I think he needs that emotional connection to get there. It’s why you watching us doesn’t bother him, but being disciplined in public, or even the idea of it, freezes him up.” Lawson braced his forearms on the island, relaxing a bit. His expression turned thoughtful. “Reed doesn’t have that issue, but he likes having some control over how people see him. Only putting forward what’s expected. He goes back and forth between doing the same with us. The only time I really get to reach beyond all that blinding glitter is when he can’t sleep. His guard is down. He opens up on a different level. Sometimes, I still feel him holding back, as though he’s afraid to lean on me too much, but I’ve made some progress not letting him.”

Standing, Curtis went to the living room to pluck up the bourbon, then brought it back to the kitchen. “That explains why Matt straightens up when you draw that line. I never saw anything so simple and effective. And it’s also why I get the heck out of the loft the few times you’ve brought him up for punishment.” Pouring a measure in a drinking glass, Curtis smirked when Lawson made a face at the social faux pas. “I hope you don’t think you’re chasing me away.” He brought the glass to his lips. “I need you to teach me how to draw Reed out. There are a few times I’ve tried where it becomes some weird circular argument and I end up feeling like I did something wrong. It’s fucked up.”

Lawson took Curtis’s glass, giving him a dry look before leaving the room and returning with their glasses from earlier, filling both. He set them down on the island. “I can see that. Even with me, he’ll try to shift the focus. Make it so we’re talking about me. What I’m dealing with. He does it so casually, it’s easy to get drawn in. I make sure to indulge him a little, then control the conversation so I can get the answers I need.”

“He doesn’t seem to get as pissed off with you. I get sidewinded when he brings up things I didn’t even know were an issue. Then I’m scrambling to defend or apologize for a position I’m not even aware I had.” Another sip rolled over Curtis’s tongue, this one tasting the same as it had in the ordinary drinking glass. Which he resisted mentioning. “It’s a real off balance place to Dom from, and I keep feeling like if I could get my hands around it I could have better conversations with him. I want him to tell me what he’s thinking and feeling, but I can’t deal with the whole sink at once.”

“Hmm, yes, I can see that.” Lawson gestured at Curtis with his glass. “Noah does that, but in a calculated way. And you always got defensive. I don’t blame you. I tend to counter-attack. But Reed isn’t a thirty year old man with a penchant for games. He’s still young. He holds things back until he’s ready to burst from it. We just need to find a way to make sure it doesn’t go that far.”

“Want to hear something that’ll really blow your mind?” Needing to offer up a slight change of subject—shelving the internal freak out that he might never read Reed well enough to keep his boy from going over the edge like he had tonight—Curtis slanted Lawson a grin.

Lawson’s eyes narrowed slightly, but he seemed to decide not to press Curtis on his evasions. “You have my full attention.”

“You’re hot when you get all ‘dry Dom’ like that.” Curtis raised his glass to Lawson in salut, then tipped his chair back on two legs. “No, that’s not the thing… I was looking for my tax file the other day and came across your high school diploma. You and I went to the same snooty prep school. I never knew you existed. Of course, it didn’t help that I cut class most days.”

Snorting, Lawson shook his head. “That doesn’t surprise me in the least. But I didn’t know that. It makes sense, I guess. I only did extracurricular activities that were approved by my father. I didn’t spend time with many other students. I’m assuming you weren’t in the library very often or we definitely would’ve met sooner.”

“Hm. Remember the library fire that closed the school for that week after spring break?” Curtis raised one brow meaningfully, taking a sip of his bourbon.

“Yes…” Lawson’s eyes widened. “You didn’t. Damn it, I was furious. That was the one space I had and…” He exhaled roughly, shaking his head. “Which you couldn’t have known. I imagine you were struggling in your own ways at the time.”

Feeling a little bad now, for something that happened over a decade ago, Curtis settled all four legs of his chair on the floor. “I’m sorry. I never thought about the geeks needing somewhere to hang out. My only concern was impressing my brother, and he put me up to it. Said I’d chicken out. My crew called me ‘four-fifty-one’ until I disappeared just before graduation.”

Staring down into his own drink, Lawson drew in a measured breath. “I don’t think you would have cared, Curtis. Not then. But you’re a very different person now. One I love and respect. I’m grateful I met you when I did. We were in the right place. Both of us.”

“I...always cared…” Looking down at his hands, Curtis shifted the ice pack, fidgeting with it. “It was survival to look like I didn’t, and that instinct didn’t leave me for a long, long time and not without a lot of Noah’s conditioning.” He met Lawson’s dark green eyes, hoping the apology for all he’d put the man through in their early days could be contained in one look. “I was scared to death to care. It was always used against me. One way or another. So I got attention the only way I could.”

There was only acceptance in Lawson’s eyes. Understanding. He reached out to cover Curtis’s hand with his own. “I know. Our pasts give us a lot to fight through. A way we approach the world. And even the people we love.” He lowered his voice when the front door opened. “And so many fears that take a long time to get past. Some will always stick with us. But those who can see past that? They’re worth the fight. Every damn time.”