04

So in the hours that followed, with a sparkly plastic tiara propped clumsily on my head, a hot pink feather boa slung over my shoulders, a fruity mocktail in my hand, and a dozen or so kiss prints on my face sticky with candy-scented lip gloss, I cried, laughed, danced and cried some more as I celebrated the first actual happy birthday I’ve had in twenty years.

Surrounded by family and friends I thought I’d lost, held steady on my feet by the strong arms of a man who couldn’t stop smiling every time our eyes met, I felt like I was floating on an effervescent dream.

Marlow’s wasn’t really a place people booked parties and events at but it seemed to have been magically transformed as people ate, talked, danced and even played games on the vintage arcade machines Felicity had rented.

When I’d asked who masterminded the entire event, no one would admit to it directly. Brandon, Jake, Anna, Tessa and Felicity kept pointing fingers at each other that I eventually gave up. It was a group effort by people who actually really knew and understood me.

Other than picking out Marlow’s for the venue, serving my favorite food and having my favorite local band play (the same band at our wedding) in a make-shift stage, they also made sure to invite the kids along—Mattie, Rose and Zach were all there.

Which was why I’d discreetly asked Gilles to sneak out for a bit, after I’d shoved a plate full of food to his face first, of course, and see if he could convince Riley to attend. He would call me when he got there so I could talk to the boy. He may be an old soul but he was a kid. He deserved every opportunity to be a child and enjoy life a little.

I’d just seen Gilles off when I walked back toward Marlow’s and saw an unexpected person nervously hovering by the entrance.

“Jason ?” I asked, recognizing the tall, lanky, still-married architect Anna was involved with. “What are you doing here ?”

He seemed quite surprised to see me. He fell silent for a moment before giving me an abashed smile as he scratched the back of his ear like a boy caught red-handed with his hand in the cookie jar. Well, make that two cookie jars in his case.

“Hi, um… I know it’s rude of me to crash your party but I was… well, you see I, uh…” He glanced down at his feet as his voice trailed off, an awkward silence taking over his stammering.

“You’re not going to find a tele-prompter on the ground,” I said dryly, drawing his attention back up to me. “You should’ve brought flash cards instead. Or cheat sheets.”

I inwardly winced at my pun while he outwardly grimaced.

I wasn’t really sure what to make of Jason Reid.

He was a good-looking guy—ash blonde, light, coffee brown eyes, an almost intellectual look to him.

I didn’t know him very well except for what I knew of him from Anna. Unfortunately, what I did know wouldn’t recommend him much.

He was married to a wife he couldn’t leave while stringing along Anna who both loved and loathed him.

The fact that he was cheating on his wife alone wouldn’t get him a ringing endorsement from me. Even though I’d kept my opinion of the situation mostly to myself, I wasn’t going to hold back if he was here to hear it.

“You don’t like me,” he stated in a matter-of-fact tone.

I arched a brow. “Do you like yourself ?”

It was a simple question but from the way his eyes cleared with understanding, he heard the words I didn’t have to say.

He actually smiled faintly as he jammed his hands into his jeans’ pockets. “Not very much these days, no. It’s hard to like a total ass.”

“Then why keep him around ?” I asked, mildly amused.

He earned a sliver of my respect when he met my eyes directly. “Sometimes, you don’t quite realize you’re in bad company until you’re in too deep. It makes getting out a little bit harder.”

I actually smiled a little. “I always say, if you’re going to dig your own grave, make it shallow.”

“Or don’t dig one at all,” he said sardonically.

I felt a pang of sympathy. I knew how it was to be in a hell of my own making. “I don’t think anyone plans on it in the beginning.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, I promise,” he said in a mocking voice, his mouth twisting in derision, more like the self-directed kind. “Yeah, I’ve tried that excuse before and it’s honestly the most God-awful thing one can say in self-defense.”

I couldn’t help the ironic laugh that bubbled out of me.

He hit the nail right on the head—even on his own coffin.

I motioned to the weathered wood and iron bench that was just by Marlow’s door, sandwiched between two large concrete planters still full of flowers turning dry and brown.

Jason almost looked relieved as he took a seat next to me, his shoulders slumping a little. “You have no reason to trust me or let me see her. If I were a better man, I would leave her alone but…”

“If our lives were only to be judged by our past mistakes, we’d be a sorry lot—all of us,” I told him with a pained smile, pulling an old advice from a faraway memory. “The neat thing about time, in the common human experience anyway, is that it moves in a forward direction. While the past steers us a certain way, it’s how we keep correcting our course that will take us wherever we want to go.”

Jason’s expression was that of a man holding a dagger to his own heart, suffering with every twist of the blade yet unable to pull the damned thing out.

“It’s not for me to say what you should do about your situation,” I told him gently. “At the end of the day, it’s your decision to make.”

I paused and leveled my gaze at him so he wouldn’t miss my meaning. “Because you do have to make a decision, Jason. You will hurt them with a choice, but you will hurt them more without one.”

He swallowed hard and nodded ever so slightly. “I know.”

It took only a moment to see the guilt and suffering show plainly on Jason’s face. While in my heart, I knew he was responsible for a lot of it, I couldn’t resent him any more than I could resent myself for doing something I knew I should never have and rendering myself at the mercy of my own guilty conscience.

It was a slow, agonizing kind of torture I recognized too easily.

My heart hurt—for the flawlessly beautiful sister I dearly loved despite her inner flaws, the other woman in this equation who might or might not already be suffering through a betrayal no one deserved, and for the man I hardly knew except for the haunted look in his eyes that told me more than words could ever say.

Pain was as contagious as happiness—just like a numbing cold could seep into your bones as deeply as the warmth of a sunny day that chased away the chill in your soul.

I was given a second chance today. Who am I to deny someone their turn at it ?

I patted him on the arm, flashing a smile. “Come on, join us inside. I can’t promise she’d talk to you but I can promise food—lots of it.”

Jason hesitated even though he looked quite desperately hopeful at my invitation. “Are you sure ? Anna’s not the only one who hates me right now.”