Seize The Day

...Tyler POV...

Jenna is twenty weeks pregnant. She is overjoyed that she has come this far. Every day she is more and more proud that she is going to be a mother. It has given her that one rare thing that she is looking forward to. She has two reasons to live and two reasons to fight. And I am there every second behind her, behind her driving force. The boys and I will get her out of this, and she will see that there was never anything to have been scared about.

One thing that I should be scare about…it is Chemo today.

Jenna is losing her hair.

Her long beautiful locks are down to few strands. I am cutting it off for her this afternoon. It is going to be a very emotional experience for us both. I told her I would cut all my hair off as well, then we can make a good couple, but she said it would only be like mocking her. My heart breaks. I saw the way she cried this morning when she ran her hand through her hair, and once again, for so many times now, there are just strands that keep on falling out.

I cannot imagine how it must feel like; I don't want to begin to think about the type of scar that it leaves. Jenna is a beautiful woman; she a perfect hourglass figure with the cutest ass that I have ever seen. That was Jenna. Jenna is carrying the babies well, as, for the rest of her body, she has lost whom she used to be. It does not matter to me, but I know that it does matter to her.

But what does matter, she does not want to do this with me anymore. She does not want me to come into the room when we go to the hospital for her Chemo. It breaks me; I know that she does not want me to see her that way, but it breaks me that she is pushing me away.

So I am left outside to wait.

Should I just ignore her and go on inside. She can only be as mad at me for so long?

They say don't hesitate when you should act.

Well, I shall act.

So I very shyly sneak myself into the room and go sit next to her while she has her eyes closed.

…Jenna POV…

Tyler has just snuck in here after I told him not to. The man is so damn stubborn. I know he means well, but I hate being seen like this.

Today I am wearing a hoody; it is hot outside, it is a perfect summer's day, and I have something that is covering my head.

Why?

I have been losing my hair. And this afternoon, I shall be losing it all. It is like my mind that I lost a while ago as well. I have stopped caring and worrying. I know that my time is coming. I am hanging on until these boys are born.

I have only one purpose now, and that is to bring two healthy children into the world. And I will pray while I am high above that they will never have to feel this sickness in their life. Tyler will make sure of that. He is going to love this to with this whole heart and will do absolutely everything for them.

The only thing that I need to do is get them here healthy.

I know I keep on talking like that, and that is not going away. You know when things have come full course when you have served that purpose. It is said that everyone is placed on this earth to serve a purpose, and mine, mine was to have these two boys.

Yes, perhaps, as Tyler says, don't hesitate when you should act.

I wanted a normal life. I did not ask for this, and I never even did anything wrong to deserve this. I lived my life as sweet innocent Jenna. But then I became Jenna, the girl with the Cancer.

And who was there? Tyler.

Then I had the courage and confidence that I will be okay, now I lack both of these qualities.

There is that old Roman proverb, "Carpe diem," meaning "Seize the day."

More often than not, we fail to act due to a lack of confidence or courage. The hesitation keeps us from moving forward and puts us in a cage of wondering what might have been. They say when you feel like this, it is time to act, take action.

I am in a cage, but there is no action that I can take that will change what is happening to me. If there is one single thing that I can do to take cancer away, then I will.

Chemo is not guaranteed.

It is not taking action to get me out of the cage; it is trying when the odds are stacked up against you.

How can I act when I don't have the choice to act?

…Tyler POV…

She has that look on her face again; I want her to stop thinking the way that she does. I know that she can fight as hard as she wants, and the chemo might still not work. And that is the sad fact and the terrible reality that we both live with every day.

I just hope that, and yet I am even too scared to ask if she has lived all the things that she wanted to. I know that coming here a little over a year ago, that she came here for peace and quiet, that she was happy with the way she had lived her life. Since then, a lot has happened, and she lived a lot more but is this still the way she wants to live her life.

We still have time to act.

We still can make all her dreams true, fulfill those things that she always wanted to do. Yet, saying this, though, she can not really move a lot around with the boys. So, this is her life, and I hope this is the life that she wanted to choose.

But that is her talking, she is only but going through the stages, and she shall see when we take those tests again that she will be fine.

I love Jenna; I want her to live, for now, live for today; I want her to stop focusing so much on the future. She needs to be positive for today and not be negative for today because tomorrow might be negative.

The simple fact is.

Jenna is pregnant.

Jenna has Cancer.

Jenna might be dying.

That won't go away. I want her to live. Goddammit. I want her to live her life and stop thinking about the day that she is going to die. When that day comes, then we deal with it. But now, now she is still alive, and she will be alive for a long damn time still.

And every damn day, I am trying to tell her that.

CARPE DIEM.

Seize today. Don't worry about tomorrow.

Yes, I am also tired. I am tired of fighting with her EVERY SINGLE DAY about not giving it. I sound like a broken record that she is not even listening to. I am talking to myself and convincing myself that she knows what I am trying to say.

Fuck. I don't know how it feels to have Cancer, and god knows I don't want to either. It is a nasty illness, and I cannot think of having anything else worse happen to you in your life.

But every morning I get up, I put that fucking smile on my face; I motivate myself because I know that I have to live for today. Not that I have to, I WANT TO.

I am not going to tell Jenna how I feel. I will do this every day, and when she is going, I will still keep on doing it because I have two little boys.

The fact, my fact.

She is not going to die.

She is tearing herself to pieces every day over and over again. I feel she has forgotten how to live and that she does not want to live. If she does not act now, she will lose the best years of her life. If she does not act now, she will not see our boys grow up.

How do you tell the woman that you love that she must stop acting as if today does not exist anymore and that tomorrow will never come? You don't.

You listen every day to how she tells you that she is going to die. And then you take yourself into a quiet corner, and all you can do is cry.